Waking up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I drank the glass of water V had left on my nightstand, feeling a bit better already.
Physically, I was fine. A bit sore and dehydrated, but that was alright.
Mentally, that was a different story.
I slept in so long that V was already gone when I went downstairs. He had left a Hangover Hero Tonic for me to drink in the frozen box. I sipped on it, my stare on the garden in the atrium.
I just want to be close to you.
The images of the night flashed before my eyes.
You drank too much, Sade.
Go to sleep, Sade.
Good night, Sade.
I held my throbbing head, groaning.
Why was I so stupid? The Love Machinas at the meetings had been clear in their recommendations: always follow the wants and needs of your owner. Even though I could easily guess V was attracted to me, he had also never shown any intention to act upon it.
Why did I have to ruin it all?
This alcohol thing was terrible! I should never have it ever again.
I tried to push all the memories away by getting myself busy.
After checking the garden, I continued my study plan on horticulture. I also researched the new words I had heard during dinner yesterday, but I couldn't find anything interesting. I 3D-printed a few more gardening tools I had seen in a book at the library, made after the approximate sketches I had drawn of them. Norah had warned me it was forbidden to take pictures of the books, so I had no choice but to draw them.
I only wished I had a better idea of their real size, I thought, as I held up a tiny rake between my fingers.
Is this love?
It felt like an electric shock.
The memory of his hands holding my wrists, his dark eyes looking down at me... The kiss of his lips on my forehead.
What was wrong with me?
I could have enjoyed living this luxury life, paying my debt, helping V with his research... But no, I had wanted too much.
I shook my head, wishing I could go back in time.
I felt no shame in feeling attraction to V. How could I not? Without even mentioning all the kind things he did for me, V was an attractive man. I realized I had tried to ignore this fact, tried to pretend he wasn't the most handsome man I had ever met.
No, I was ashamed of myself because I had almost ruined the incredible chance I had to be here.
And for what? For sex?
I didn't think V would send me back over this misstep. But still, how could I be so reckless? I had acted against all the other machinas advice. Instead of listening to him, following his lead... No, I had taken the lead and been wanting to direct him to a place he had clearly no interest in visiting.
Even ordering my new favorite dish on the food app, the Wild Garden Glass Noodles, didn't cheer me up.
The only comfort I had was realizing he was still thinking of me, at least. Finding the tonic in the morning was a nice gesture, but reading about the research he had been doing during the day was even better.
Risks of Ethanol Exposure in Synthetic Humanoid Systems
A Study on Machina Alcohol Consumption
Potential Corruptive Effects of Alcohol on Machina Cognitive Systems
He was thinking of me, caring for me.
And I was getting greedy.
I remembered my conversation with Kira yesterday.
I didn't even know you could have so much, she had said, looking down at the dinner party.
As for me, I realized I didn't know you could want so much. I had no idea you could feel that much passion for someone.
Thinking of Kira now, I remembered the weird encounter we had yesterday. Flashes of a woman's black dress flowing down the stairs... That was so strange. They clearly knew each other. What were they doing upstairs, in Malik's home? The same thing had happened at Chaoxing's house last week... What was Kira up to? She was on a mission here, just like me, and we were both being irresponsible with it.
These new thoughts distracted me so much that I almost didn't notice when the entrance door opened.
V stepped in, as usual, neatly getting rid of his satchel and shoes by the entrance. I pretended I was very focused on what I was reading on the tablet's projection.
I wasn't going to say anything.
I was going to keep quiet and follow his lead. Yesterday, I got carried away and regretted it. I wasn't going to let that happen again.
In my peripheral vision, I noticed he hadn't moved from the kitchen.
Giving up on my cold demeanor, I turned to look in his direction. He was leaning over the counter, staring at me, his face impassive.
I blinked, glaring at him, and he did the same.
"Are you scared to approach me?" I taunted him.
"Should I be?" he answered right away with an eyebrow raise.
I scowled before rolling my eyes away, looking back at the wall in front of me. I had been half-joking, but I was seriously hurt at the idea that he could be wanting to hold his distance from me.
Just yesterday, we had held hands for the first time... And now, he didn't want to be near me? It felt like such a step back.
After a moment, he left his kitchen island's position to walk in my direction, hands in his pockets.
"About what happened-" he began, and suddenly, I realized it felt unbearable for me to hear him talk about it.
"No need to discuss it," I cut him right away, bringing my knees against my chest, my eyes fixed on the wall. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." I left my words floating in the air. "I'm sorry," I repeated. "It won't happen again."
I found the courage to look at him.
"Ever."
His expression seemed confused, a crease appearing between his brows.
He looked away too.
"I just want you to know," he continued. "I didn't get a Love Machina for... that."
I knew what he meant. And deep inside, I knew he wanted the weight of his sentence to land on that.
But all I heard was get.
He didn't get me, he didn't purchase me for... that.
I was purchased. I was a possession.
Just like yesterday over dinner, a wave of emotions surged up my throat. I felt them, but I couldn't name any. I was so used to repressing all negative emotions, I had not expected that one day they could get stronger than me.
I didn't want V to see me in this weak moment, so I hid my face in my hands, trying to breathe as I wrestled with them.
"Sade..."
I heard him step closer, his soft voice wanting to comfort me.
Somehow, it angered me even more. The violent turmoil I felt inside of me could only be answered with more violence. These were the only tools I had in my possession at that moment.
"What did you get me for then?" I snapped back.
I looked back at him, my stare angry. He was so surprised by my tone that his whole body recoiled on the sofa.
They tested stuff on you? Even when you were a kid?
Kira's voice vibrated red through my body.
But only V's worried eyes stared back at me.
"Answer me!" my voice cracked, my eyes brimming with tears.
What was wrong with me? I knew what I was supposed to be here.
A machina.
Why was I so hurt that he reminded me of that?
I think we all know why she was hired...
That woman's dragging voice. Her husband's sneer. Them looking at me like a dirty object. They didn't even know I was supposed to be a machina, and yet, they didn't even hesitate to objectify me.
Bought. Used. Discarded.
V's pupils shuddered at me. He looked unable to speak, as if the force in my voice had taken all of the strength in his.
"Tell me what I'm doing here!" I moved on my knees, meeting his eyes as he was sitting on the sofa.
He closed them for a second, as if trying to gather his composure, before opening them again, colder on me.
"You were drunk, Sade," he spoke with an apologetic tone, enraging me even more. "You couldn't give your consent. I didn't want to-"
"Why does it matter?" I cried. "Whether I'm drunk or not, does it matter? I'm a machina, V! You bought me! I couldn't consent to any of this!" I opened my arms to the living room around us. "It doesn't matter if-"
"It matters to me!" he shouted back over me.
I froze. This time, it was my turn to look at him and feel like all the air had left my lungs.
Even though his neck was red and strong veins appeared pulsing around it, he seemed in control of himself. He released a long sigh, rubbing his face between his hands before pushing his hair to the back.
"It's already hard for me..." he continued after another deep breath, looking at the ground between us, "to come to terms with my humanity..."
His stare came back to meet mine, dark and intense, a hand coming on his chest.
"How could I take away what's human in you?" he opened his hand toward me.
His dark pupils shuddered on me, his face falling apart before he buried it between his hands.
"I thought you wanted me to treat you like a human," he spoke between his trembling hands.
I felt burning hot tears trail down my cheeks and immediately put my hands over his wrists, wanting to break them open for me. Instead, he spread his arms wide and pushed me against his chest.
"I'm sorry-" I blurted out between warm sobs.
"I don't want you to ever feel pressured to do anything because-"
"I didn't feel pressured!"
I sobbed again, a sob so big my whole body spasmed against his, my lungs begging for air. V's arm circled me and brought me onto his lap, holding me like a baby.
"Sssh," his worried eyes looked down at me, his cold fingers brushing the hairs around my warm, teary face. "Breathe. It's okay... It's alright..."
He held me tight against his chest, and my breathing tried to match his. The strong hold of his arms around my body helped me calm down.
Still, the swirl of emotions felt so confusing, I couldn't even tell what I was crying for. V's words had moved me in a way no one had ever before. His willingness to give me a choice felt both beautiful and hurtful at the same time. I couldn't explain why I felt this way.
Perhaps because, at the end of the day, he was the one holding the options in front of me. Just like Love Machina Inc. did before, offering me this mission. Just like the clinics did before that. When will I be the one holding all the options? When will I be able to give myself options?
It wasn't fair.
And yet, I felt... grateful.
Grateful that he was my owner. That our paths had crossed.
My mind couldn't settle between these opposite feelings.
But in any matter, I knew V had done nothing to deserve the way I had spoken to him.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-:"
"No, I'm so sorry, Sade..."
I sobbed once again and pushed my face into the crook of his neck, ashamed of my behavior.
He held me tighter against him, letting the sobs pass, one by one.
"Are you that unhappy being here?" I heard his quiet voice speak against my hair.
You bought me! I couldn't consent to any of this! I had just spat these words at him.
I pushed away from his shoulder to find his eyes. His dark pupils were waiting for me, worry painted all over his beautiful face.
"Did I get it all wrong?" he blinked fast, studying my face for answers. "I thought you wanted to be here..."
"I want to be here."
I brought my hands around his face, and it was my turn to caress the hair framing his face.
We both studied each other's faces in silence, silent tears still rolling down my cheeks. Where was all of this sadness coming from? I wanted to move away from it and sink into the soft cocoon of comfort V's arms were offering me.
"Did your research show anything about machinas drinking alcohol and becoming... too emotional?" I asked with a soft chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.
"No, I didn't find any... Wait," he froze. "What did you say...?"
He stopped rocking me in his arms, looking down at me with a dubious look. I also froze, realizing too late I had dropped some information I never meant for him to know. The next split second, his eyes drifted to the kitchen's screen, his pupils widening, before looking back at me in disbelief.
Busted.
I was sure I'd never get to see any more messages pop up on that screen from now on.
I burst into even more hot tears, hiding back into the crook of his neck, circling my arms around it.
"Hey!" he held me tight between his arms. "It's fine, it's okay, it's alright..."
I cried a bit more in his arms before I needed a tissue for my nose. For what felt like forever, V pulled away from me to grab some.
"Thank you," I said after blowing my nose.
He tapped my cheeks dry with another soft tissue in his hands. Finally, the flood of tears seemed to stop.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yes," I nodded, my breathing calm and steady.
He opened his palm for me on the couch, and I placed my hands in his. His fingers interlaced around mine, and I noticed his thoughtful expression as he looked down at our hands together.
"Do you feel well enough to go out?"
I looked at him, surprised.
"Where do you want to go?" I frowned, so curious to know where he might want to go now.
He hesitated again, his gaze drifting as if still weighing his decision. But then he looked at me, and something seemed to shift again.
"I'd like to show you a place."
His eyes were so dark and intense on me, I felt intrigued.
"What kind of place?"
"A place where you decide what happens next."
🗓️ Next chapters: this Thursday, September 4th 🗓️
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