3:02 AM — Somewhere
The bar was frozen in the middle of a bad song while a white haired man with long hair drank directly from a bottle as he sat in front of the counter together with a friend. It would have been a somewhat normal sight if apart from the two seated men the others weren't lying on the ground between broken chairs and tables.
"How boring." He muttered to himself, somewhat disappointed. "I should've brought a Sudoku or something."
"Told you, we should have just gone out ." A raspy voice came from his "friend" seated beside him. "I could be fighting some strong guy by now, but here I am, in a shit bar, babysitting your ass."
"How was I supposed to know that? Yesterday I got ambushed five minutes after summoning you. Statistically, tonight should've been worse." The white haired man complained to his companion as if he was being treated unfairly as he caressed a little white bird resting on the table. "I mean, after a rough start like that, what else was I supposed to think?"
"Fuck if I know. Do I look smart to you Master?" His companion snapped back at him as if he was crazy.
"Right, my bad. You obviously look dumber than a mule." The man he referred to as Master turned to look at him with pity as if he had some type of disability.
"Don't look at me like that, bastard. You are the one who was so sure of himself and brought me to this bar just to sit around after beating a few drunkards." He sneered, flashing a row of teeth that definitely looked like it could chew off a person alive.
"Guess I did. But you still agreed with me so it means you are at least as stupid as me if not worse."
"You really wanna get wrecked, Master, don't you? Come on, keep running that mouth of yours."
The white haired man didn't even flinch. He took another swig straight from the bottle and snorted. "Oh, please Berserker. You couldn't land a punch on me even if I stood still and gave you directions."
"Oh yeah?" Berserker stepped forward, cracking his knuckles loud enough to echo through the wrecked bar. "Guess we should try it out, what do you say?
The white haired man lowered the bottle just enough to flash him a grin. "Sure, go ahead. First one to bleed buys the next round."
"You better have deep pockets then, 'cause I'm about to repaint this floor with your teeth."
'Dumbass, everyone has passed out for a while now, so even if I lose there's no need to pay.'
The white haired man's grin twisted into a madman's smirk. He suddenly threw his arms wide and shouted at the top of his lungs as he pointed his right hand to Berserker, voice booming with mock authority:
"BY MY COMMAND SEAL, I ORDER YOU–"
Berserker froze mid step, eyes going wide. "Wait, the hell?! Are you seriously using one now?!"
But before the panic could even set in–
"–TO BLEED FROM YOUR BUTTHOLE!"
Berserker paled. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"
He brought his hand to his butt covering it in fear. He turned to glance at his back to see how bad the incoming calamity was going to be and maybe try to limit the damage.
However he noticed that no change was happening to his butt, thankfully, but then that meant he fell into a trap.
But it was too late.
The white haired man spun the bottle in his hand, the liquid inside sloshing wildly as he dragged his finger along the glass with absurd precision, tracing out a glowing rune with one swift motion.
Then, without a single speck of hesitation, he smashed the bottle over Berserker's head.
CRACK
Shards exploded outward, liquid flying in all directions as the rune flared once then fizzled. The bird shrieked and flew up into the rafters on the roof, the bar fell dead silent again.
The blonde haired man stood there, glass sticking out of his hair, as he gave a dead stare to his Master. He removed his hands from his butt as he thankfully suffered absolutely no damage at all, not even a scratch to either his rear and head, especially his butt.
The white haired man slowly lowered what remained of the shattered bottle from his hand, now holding just the jagged neck of the impromptu weapon.
The bird on the rafters chirped twice, as if laughing.
"...Well, shit."
"You…" Berserker said slowly, voice tight. "You absolute piece of shit." Veins bulged on his forehead as he roared to action and grabbed him by the neck of his white shirt. "Pray to whatever god you believe in, bastard. Because you are gonna need a miracle to save you from this."
"Look, on the bright side… your butt's fine."
"That should be a given!"
"Now, now my most precious brother Berserker. Let's try to calm down a little." The man shamelessly started to try to defuse the situation by spouting whatever flattery came to his mind, albeit maybe reasoning with a Berserker to calm himself was not his smartest move. "Let's perhaps breathe, reflect, and try to discuss this civilly like this the reasonable gentlemen we so clearly are."
"Speak for yourself." Berserker snarled in response, though he did exhibit an extraordinary level of awareness and intelligence for someone called Berserker. "I am no fuckin gentleman for sure and now I want nothing more than to just punch the living daylights out of you."
"Oh please don't be like that. I know you would never do that, you act all tough while hiding your deep feelings of friendship and comradery, you say you hate me but I know you love me."
Berserker's fists clenched, his Master was really such a shameless bastard and he lacked the brain to argue with him so he just gave up and slammed his knee against his stomach.
"Urgh!?" The white haired man buckled as he leaned on the counter while holding his abdomen in pain. "See? You couldn't even 'punch' me as I stood still."
Berserker scowled. "Congrats. Want a medal for guessing?"
"I want a refund." the man muttered, shaking from the pain. "I can't even tell one joke to my bro without getting my ribs caved in."
"BECAUSE I THOUGHT MY ASS WAS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!" Berserker roared, hands thrown to the sky. "YOU SHOUTED BUTTHOLE! BUTTHOLE, MASTER!"
The two of them stood there in the silence that followed, the bar soaked in booze, blood, and the vague echo of a song that had started looping for the third time.
"Hnn." Berserker's nostrils flared, and his jaw clenched as he stared at his master, who was still doubled over, wheezing from the knee strike to the gut.
THUD
The white haired man slowly slid down the side of the counter and collapsed onto the floor, arms sprawled like a broken puppet.
A few seconds passed like that. They both didn't move from their spot as the song carried on. A few seconds became a minute, a minute became two and then three until finally the song finished again.
"…You done?" The man asked, still lying on the floor, with only one eye open as the song started playing from the beginning again. "Because if not, just step on my head and get it over with. I'm sure that would knock me out so well It'd make a good night's sleep for me."
Berserker crossed his arms and snorted. "…You're pathetic."
"And yet somehow still prettier than you." The man groaned, coughing slightly. "God, I think you cracked something. My spleen feels like it's playing the bongos."
"That's good then."
Berserker exhaled and sat back down on a half shattered barstool, his expression unreadable as he stared ahead.
"…What now?" he asked.
The white haired man blinked, caught off guard by the sudden calm. He raised himself to a seated position and leaned back against the bar.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… What now, Master?" Berserker said again, quieter. He suddenly felt extremely lucid at this moment and the usual roughness deep inside his eyes disappeared. "We've been waiting all night and it didn't work. So now what do we do?"
The man didn't respond immediately… or rather couldn't as even if he wanted to he wouldn't know what to say so he just let the words hang in the air. It's only been a day since he met his Servant and their start was pretty messy so this was the first time the two of them talked without trashing each other.
"I'm sick of just standing around even if it was just for a day, I was summoned to fight." Not receiving any answer Berserker continued talking albeit a bit flustered. "That's it. Not to sit in a shitty bar and argue about Sudoku, command seals and buttholes."
Seeing his eagerness he couldn't help but crack a smile at it, he had never met someone so honest before. "Still not over that?"
"I'LL NEVER BE OVER THAT."
"Well… I guess that's fair."
There was another pause between the two. They both got this awkward feeling about the situation that now they weren't sure of what to say after that.
"So." Trying his best to break the awkwardness, the man sprawled on the floor opened his mouth first. "You really like fighting?"
Berserker raised an eyebrow at the question and thought about it for a second before answering. "Yes, I have no interest in grail in itself but in the grail war, I want to fight with the heroes from the various eras to test my strength and win." He had no interest in the wish granting cup but in the battle to obtain it. He was not after the product but the process.
"So that's why you fight in this war huh?"
"Yes, that and because you summoned me."
The man blinked. "What do you mean by that?"
"Of course it means I'll fight for you as well. You called for a hero and I answered, even if you are a bastard, I may be long dead but I'm still a warrior.
So I'll do everything I can and beyond to make you win in answer to your plea as you asked me for help, so just tell me what do you need me to do. I'll fight every battle as if it were my last to help you achieve victory because I'm the hero you summoned and formed a contract to help your desire come true." Berserker gave him a ferocious grin as he said those words and offered his hand to help him stand up.
CLAP
"I guess yesterday messed us up a bit so let's start from the beginning again." With Berserker's help he got up from the ground and now the two stood face to face at roughly the same height. "My name is Haldor, I am the Master who summoned you to answer my call in order to obtain the Holy Grail."
Surprised by his seriousness, Berserker's eyes widened in surprise slightly before his grin got even wider than before. "I am the Servant Berserker, my true name is Beowulf. I was once the king of the Geats but that doesn't really matter. Let's go beat them up, Master."
"Oh, and that's Pierre, he's my friend." He said pointing at the little bird gave a nod back in greeting. "I think we have no choice now but to pick up the slack then, we lazed around for an entire day after all."
"Now we are talking, so what's next?"
As they made peace the little bird got down from the rafters and settled on Haldor's shoulder pecking him a few times. He was mostly white with gray wings and a round belly, he looked overall somewhat cartoonish especially for the fact he had an eyepatch that covered his left eye.
"Well, let's see." Haldor started weighing his possible next moves but there wasn't much he could really do to find the others if they decided to stay hidden. "We don't really have much of a chance to find the others' hiding places."
"Haa…That's a real problem. Do you have any idea, Pierre?" Haldor sighed caressing the bird, apparently asking for his opinion.
"PEEP PEEP." Pierre gave him an annoyed look that was very uncharacteristic for an animal and started pulling his owner's hair in complaint.
"Ack ack ack, wait a second please stop pulling my hair. I'm sorry, I won't ask again, fine?" Haldor made a little exaggerated scene which only made Pierre pull harder than before.
"Is there nothing else we can do?" Berserker got worried we would have to pass another day or even more seated doing nothing again.
"I'm thinking about it, give me a second man." Haldor still struggled with Pierre before finally calming him down.
"Then please do your best, I'd rather watch a snail fight than staying seated like this for all day again. Drinking is good but only doing that for all day eventually becomes boring."
Haldor blinked, halfway through dragging himself back onto a stool. "…Wait. What did you just say?"
Berserker glanced sideways at him. "I said drinking all day gets boring even if I like it."
"No, no, before that. About the snail fight." Haldor corrected him trying to make him understand what he meant.
Berserker's brow furrowed. "Oh, that. Yeah, I said I'd rather watch a snail fight to death than stay seated all day again."
Haldor stared at him. Something about him and that line sparked something in his mind.
Then it hit him.
"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."
He suddenly remembered a dimly lit basement, two guys, a punch and a crowd. That movie was the one where everything spiraled out of control in the most glorious, testosterone drenched chaos imaginable.
Haldor's eyes widened slightly. "Holy shit…"
"What?" Berserker asked, genuinely confused.
"Beowulf." Haldor said, slowly, the wheels in his head now turning at full speed."Do you… want to start a fight club?"
The room went quiet for a long second.
Berserker blinked. "Like… get a bunch of dudes together and beat each other's faces in?"
"Exactly that."
"…I'm listening." Berserker was now extremely invested in the discussion.
***
SLAP
"Hah.. Haaa…. What happened? Where am I?" A man suddenly woke up after feeling the pain on his cheek, he had no idea where he was or how he ended up in this place.
"Shut up."
SLAP
"Argh… What was that for?"
"I told you to shut up."
SLAP
"Stop!"
"Just shut the fuck up, man."
SLAP
"Fine I'll shut up, please stop."
"I'm still hearing your voice, man."
SLAP
"..." The man finally shut his mouth to avoid getting slapped again.
"Good boy." Haldor praised the man in mockery.
The man didn't rebuke him as he didn't want to be slapped again, he was already feeling pretty bad even without the slaps. Coincidentally if a certain necromancer had been there he would have recognized the poor man as the scrawny man he met in the morning.
Haldor was crouching in front of him keeping a slightly higher eye level, seeing that the man was shocked enough he brought his hand before the man's face and started using suggestion magecraft.
"What's your name? How old are you?"
"Takagi Arata, I'm 19 years old." Takagi answered the question as if he was in a daze with no emotion in his tone.
"Holy crap… are you sure man? You really look like shit, are you really only 19 years old?" Haldor was very surprised as the Takagi, albeit scrawny, looked like he was nearing his forties.
Takagi barely reacted as his expression was still dazed even though he seemed to get slightly more gloomy due to Haldor's comment. "Yes, I really am. People often say that to me and it makes me very sad."
"..." Haldor was caught off guard by the sudden trauma dumping that he needed a second to get his bearing back.
"cough cough, anyways I need you to do something for me my friend." After saying this Haldor started swinging his hand before Takagi's face dramatically and started whispering to him. "After you wake up again you will forget about this conversation and then you will…"
***
"Sigh, I'm so tired." Haldor complained as he tiredly threw himself on top of a sofa like a sack of potatoes. "I guess that's what happens when you overuse the jedis' mind trick on so many people while having such a shitty amount of midi-chlorian, not everybody is the chosen one."
"Already?" Berserker, oblivious to Haldor's reference, just brushed it off as some magecraft term. "Hope you will get better by the time you find yourself a woman."
Haldor shivered when he heard him. "Yeah… well, let's not talk about it, it won't be a problem anyway."
Berserker's eyes narrowed. "What, you shy or something?"
There was a beat of silence.
Haldor let out a half-hearted chuckle. "Maybe."
"…Wait, there's no way a shameless guy like you could be shy." Berserker leaned forward, suspicion suddenly written all over his face. "Hold up. Could it be that you…" He recoiled just a bit, eyes widening in horror. "You're not… into men, are you?"
Haldor blinked at him, confused. "What? Hell no!"
Berserker still gave him the stink eye, apparently not buying it. "I think I've heard of people like you Mas…dude, I won't judge but I'm not into that kind of thing. So please do them far away from me."
'Did this motherfucker just change the way he refers to me mid sentence?'
"Oh my god, shut up." Haldor groaned, he was holding his face for the second hand embarrassment as being mistaken as a homosexual dude. "I'm not gay, definitely not."
Berserker still looked wary. "Then why'd you sound so wary when I said 'find a woman'?"
Haldor visibly winced.
Berserker leaned in again, this time more curious than scared. "...Wait a minute. Don't tell me you're actually…"
"Let it go, man, just drop this matter." Haldor muttered, trying to turn away the discussion.
"You're scared of women?"
Haldor didn't say anything in response.
"HAHAHAHA, you are scared of women." Berserker was now grinning like a wolf as he laughed.
"I'm not afraid." Haldor snapped, turning red. "I just… prefer not to engage. That's all."
"Sounds like fear to me!" Berserker laughed. It was indeed pretty funny and for him it was also a way to get back at Haldor for his previous prank as well.
'Shit, am I seriously losing an argument against a Berserker?'
"Oh come Master, don't feel embarrassed." Berserker said comforting words but his face told a completely different story as he continued snickering.
"Bah! Fuck you man. I should have let your asshole bleed for real."
And so as the two continued their back and forth banter until morning arrived, all they needed to do now was set up the place for their… brilliant strategy.