Resident Evil
The translucent screen still floated in front of me, reminding me how gloriously underqualified I was for this job:
[MORTE 2.0 — SYSTEM UPDATE: 50%]
[HARD MODE: ACTIVE — Reason: You embarrassed yourself in front of Death 1.0]
[MENTAL DISCIPLINE: 30/100 — Planetary accidents unlikely but not impossible]
[SELF-CLEANING: MAXIMUM — At least you're spotless]
Alice was still staring at me, gun raised, expression switching between curiosity and disbelief. I couldn't blame her. Minutes ago, she was fighting zombies, mutants, and the usual bioweapon horrors — now, she had me, an interdimensional idiot fumbling cosmic power.
Wesker, standing near the burning remains of a building, adjusted his shades like he owned the place. Typical villain energy.
And Nêmesis? Oh, Nêmesis was PISSED.
The hulking bioengineered monster roared, cracked the pavement with each step, and pointed his rocket launcher at… well, everyone.
"Great," I muttered, side-eyeing the screen. "Mental discipline's low, city's still intact… let's not think about obliterating the timeline."
Guess what I thought about? Obliterating the timeline. Instantly, the ground vibrated, cracks of blue energy webbing across the street.
Alice noticed.
"Hey—whatever you're doing, stop it!" she barked, ducking behind a car that promptly polished itself because of my 'clean freak' aura.
Wesker smirked, clearly amused. "You're losing control, aren't you?"
"Losing? Buddy, I never HAD control," I shot back.
[SYSTEM WARNING: Cosmic Thought Instability Detected]
[Suggestion: Stop Imagining the Destruction of Raccoon City]
Easier said than done, system.
Nêmesis let out a guttural roar and fired a missile straight at my head.
Alice flinched.
I… stood there.
BOOM!
The explosion engulfed me. When the smoke cleared, I was still spotless, hair perfect, outfit cleaner than hospital sheets.
"Right… forgot I'm immortal," I whispered to myself, adjusting my jacket. The debris around me shimmered, vanishing in a sparkling wave of cosmic sanitation.
Alice blinked. "Okay… what are you?"
"Death," I shrugged, "the replacement version. Still under warranty, apparently."
Wesker's sunglasses reflected the chaos, his smirk widening. "Death 2.0? I expected more finesse."
So did I, pal.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped. A chilling aura spread across the street. Everyone froze—except me. A figure materialized atop a nearby rooftop.
Death 1.0.
Bones, black cloak, oversized scythe — the whole 'grim reaper on steroids' aesthetic. She was swinging her legs like a bored teenager at the mall.
"Daniel…" she called down, voice dry as desert bones, "stop dodging missiles. You're immortal, remember? And stylish stunts aren't part of the job description."
I sighed. "Yeah, I know…"
"And another thing—" She pointed her skeletal finger. "You keep forgetting: just touching someone? Fatal. Even your stray thoughts can accidentally erase half a species. Stop flexing unnecessarily."
Wesker adjusted his coat. "Who's the skeleton? Your… supervisor?"
"Mentor. Pain in my cosmic rear. Technically still my boss," I clarified.
Death 1.0 waved at Wesker. "Hello, future corpse."
Wesker frowned. "Excuse me?"
Alice raised an eyebrow. "Is she serious?"
Before I could answer, a portal ripped open midair. God peeked through, looking mildly annoyed, beads of sweat on his forehead.
"Daniel… stop making me intervene. You're supposed to hit your quotas, not accidentally destroy timelines."
Death 1.0 snorted. "You chose him, remember?"
God huffed. "We're not having this argument again."
Death 1.0 smirked. "Want to settle it in the ring? Like last time?"
God's eye twitched. "We agreed to never speak of that match again."
The portal vanished. I was left awkwardly between two cosmic beings arguing like divorced parents at a school play.
Meanwhile, Nêmesis, fed up with being ignored, barreled toward me, fists raised, pure rage in his glowing eyes.
Alice shouted, "Duck!"
But I didn't.
Nêmesis swung — his punch connected with my face — or, well, where my face was. His arm passed through me like mist.
"Intangibility perk," I explained.
The giant roared louder, frustrated.
Behind me, Wesker actually laughed. "This… is entertaining."
"Welcome to my life," I muttered, focusing again. The translucent screen updated:
[MORTE 2.0 — SYSTEM UPDATE: 52%]
[MENTAL DISCIPLINE: 35/100 — Accidental mass extinction probability decreasing]
[SELF-CLEANING: Still Maximum]
I squared my shoulders, facing Nêmesis, Alice, Wesker, and the absurdity of my cosmic promotion.
"Alright…" I cracked my knuckles, blue energy swirling harmlessly this time. "Time to actually train. Starting with not thinking catastrophic thoughts."
Death 1.0 gave a thumbs up, grinning skull and all.
Alice loaded her weapon. "So, are you helping… or making this worse?"
"Bit of both," I replied, grinning, eyes glowing faintly. "But mostly? I'm here to clean up."
Nêmesis charged again. The night promised more chaos — but for once, I was ready for it.