Consequences and space.
An hour later the twins were playing a game on the living room television and Zavier was scrolling through the data on his scrapers. His mind wasn't focused, though, and he couldn't tell what he'd just read. He knew Tess needed space but he didn't know how long to give her. He didn't want to force her but they couldn't afford to just sit.
Steeling his resolve, he walked to the bedroom and tapped lightly on the door. When no one answered he cracked the door open and spoke to the darkness within.
"Honey, are you okay?"
No answer.
Zavier stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. He reached out and slowly traversed the room in the dark, going off of memory. He reached the bed and ran his hands across it until he felt a thigh. Moving upwards he found Tess lying on her side facing away from him. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her back was hunched forward. He wondered if she was asleep until he heard a sniffle and felt her shift under him as she wiped her face with her hand. He rubbed her back in slow circles with one hand and gently rubbed her thigh and hip with the other. On the dark days, when the medication and meditation couldn't pull her out of her darker places, he would stand at the edge of the bed like this for as long as it took for a little comfort to break through the morass and sludge that were her emotions. It never fixed anything, but it always helped. In those moments she didn't feel like everything in the world was darkness and pain. The small candle of light Zavier cast in the worst moments of her life brought her back from a cliff's edge that she wouldn't have hesitated to step off of before him. She thought back to the time he hadn't been around and she hadn't hesitated to step off…
He leaned over to kiss the side of her face but her elbow came up and blocked him.
"No." Her voice cracked but the resolve was unbreakable. "Just leave me alone."
His heart cracked at hearing that. She'd never pushed him away when she was hurting before. Then again, he'd never been the reason before. "Honey, please," his voice was pleading. "Can we please talk about this?"
"I can't right now Z. I just need you to leave."
He didn't know what to do. He never tried to force her to accept his comfort if she needed it, but after all this time together he knew when she needed support, even if she didn't want it in the moment. He did the only thing he could think of and took a few tentative steps backwards as he felt for the chair in the room. He sat down in it, prepared to sit in silent darkness until she was ready to talk. He knew the conversation wouldn't be a good one and that she was going to have a lot to say, but he'd be there when she was ready.
"I said I need you to leave." Her voice was stronger this time.
"Tess," he said.
"I SAID LEAVE!" He heard her shoot up in bed and knew she was sitting upright, facing him.
He was frozen in indecision. "I can see you, you know," her voice said from the dark. "I can see you opening your mouth to talk, I can see the look in your eyes that says you just need to think of a way to make this okay. But what I don't see is you listening to what I'm saying and respecting what I'm asking! I said leave!"
Zavier stood up and turned towards the door but his feet didn't move. What should he do? He couldn't leave her like this, he couldn't leave them in a bad spot. He knew he'd hurt her and he just wanted to talk about it and get it all out in the open. His thoughts were interrupted by something flying past his face, missing him by a hair's breadth.
"I don't have to miss," Tess said. "We've never been violent with each other when we're upset before, but I don't know what I'm going to do if you don't stop trying to force this situation when I keep telling you what I FUCKING WANT!"
The swearing hit Zavier as hard as any punch. She wasn't afraid to swear but she was religious with their rule of never swearing at each other during an argument.
"Okay Tess, I'm sorry. I'll go. I'm going to give you as much space as you need. I'll take the walkie-talkie and head across the street to Owen's house. I'll wait to come back until you call, okay?"
"That's fine," Tess said, slumping back onto the bed. "It's not like anything I say will matter anyway."
The crack in Zavier's heart broke open fully and he felt like he was going to throw up. Without another word he stepped out and gently closed the door. He took a moment to collect himself, tears welling up in his eyes. His hands were balled into fists and his muscles were bunched taut as he tried to get his tears under control. When he finally trusted himself to speak without his voice cracking he went into the living room.
The kids were playing but he could see their heart wasn't in the game.
"Hey kiddos, your mom and I aren't in a good place and I told her I'd give her space," Zavier said.
"What you did was messed up, dad," Cass said.
"I know."
"Not just to mom, but to us," Luna followed.
The tears were coming again and there was no stopping them this time. He just nodded his head in silence, not trusting his ability to speak.
"You're always telling us that taking care of ourselves is taking care of each other, because if we can't love ourselves how in the hell are we gonna love somebody else?" Cass said. Zavier hiccuped a small laugh at the Ru Paul reference, even if the tears didn't stop.
"I know, Honey," he croaked.
"But the first chance you got you chose something that may kill you, and it doesn't sound like you thought of us at all when you were talking with the Architect," Luna said.
"We're not dumb, Dad," Cass said. "We know this world is dangerous, but you chose something that is guaranteed to be life or death every time. You would never have let us choose something like that."
"You are my kids, it's my job to take those kinds of risks," Zavier said to them.
"We can't afford to be your kids anymore," Luna said.
"We need to be as strong as you and mom," Cass continued.
"If you treat us like kids we're going to be at risk."
"And if you die trying to 'hack the system' then we'll have to survive this world without you. I don't know how long we'd last like that," Cass finished.
Zavier absorbed all of this as he slumped onto the edge of the couch. He'd always thought of himself as a good father, but in this moment he couldn't see it. In one decision he'd potentially undone everything he'd worked so hard at to keep his family safe. He pictured what they'd feel if they had to watch him die or, worse, go into a trial and never come out, and his heart broke again for what his decision would inflict on them.
"Kids," a sob escaped his throat, "I'm so sorry. I didn't think. You're right. Your mom is right. I'm so, so sorry."
When he felt their arms encircle him he couldn't hold anything back.