Panic is a funny thing. For most people, it's a cold, sharp-edged emotion that prompts a fight-or-flight response. For Kazuma, it was a full-body experience, a tidal wave of ice-cold dread that drowned out all rational thought. His party, however, processed the news of a Demon King's General with their own unique brands of insanity.
"A Demon King's General!" Darkness gasped, her face flushing with a mixture of terror and exhilaration. Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. "The danger level is astronomical! The potential for grievous, soul-crushing injury is off the charts! This is the moment I have been training for!"
"A general? Here?" Aqua scoffed, though her bravado was undermined by a slight tremor in her hands. "He has chosen his battlefield poorly. This town is under the divine protection of a goddess. Me, specifically. He will learn the folly of challenging the heavens."
"Ooh, a boss fight! Already?" Deadpool chirped from the back of the group, where he was still carrying the unconscious Megumin like a sack of volatile groceries. "The pacing in this world is fantastic! No boring fetch quests, no tedious grinding, we just jump straight to the good stuff. I hope he has a good loot drop. I'm feeling a real need for some enchanted leggings."
"THIS IS NOT A GAME!" Kazuma shrieked, grabbing Deadpool by the front of his suit. "This is a General from the Demon King's army! He's going to kill us all! We need to run! We need to hide! We need to find the nearest deep hole and pull it in after us!"
"Relax, kid," Deadpool said, patting Kazuma's head condescendingly. "Have you ever seen a movie? The hero never runs. He walks slowly and purposefully toward the danger, preferably while something cool explodes in the background. We already have the explosion part covered, thanks to Naptime Nancy here." He gestured with his head toward the wizard on his back. "We just need to handle the slow, purposeful walk."
He started walking. There was nothing purposeful about it; it was more of a jaunty, carefree saunter toward certain doom. Left with no other choice, the rest of the party followed, a walking parade of neuroses and poor judgment.
The scene at the main gate of Axel was one of controlled chaos. The town guards, bless their brave but hopelessly outmatched hearts, had formed a thin, trembling line. The townsfolk were either hiding in their homes or peering from a distance, their faces pale. In the center of the road, astride a nightmare of a horse with glowing red eyes, was the source of the commotion.
He was a knight, clad in jet-black armor that seemed to drink the light. He had no head on his shoulders. Instead, he carried it tucked under his left arm. The head, encased in a matching helmet, had eyes that glowed with a malevolent crimson light. This was Beldia, the Dullahan.
"...and I shall ask you one last time!" the head boomed, its voice a deep, echoing baritone that carried across the square. "Which one of you degenerate fools is responsible for the sacrilege committed against my castle? Which one of you dares to practice forbidden explosion magic day after day, disturbing my rest and taunting my power? Show yourself, and I may grant this town a swift end!"
Kazuma, who had been trying to blend in with a large rain barrel, froze. Day after day? But Megumin had only cast it once.
Deadpool, however, stepped forward, clearing his throat. "Excuse me! Point of order!" he called out, raising a hand.
Beldia's glowing head turned slowly to face him. "You dare to interrupt me, mortal?"
"Yeah, hi, Wade Wilson, Red Guy, resident smart-aleck," he said with a little wave. "Just a few quick questions for you, Mr. Doesn't-Get-Head-And-Shoulders. First, logistics. When you get an itchy nose, what's the procedure? Is it a whole two-hand operation or can you sort of scratch it on your pauldron? Second, and this is the big one, do you get a discount on hats? Because technically, you're not wearing them."
A stunned silence fell over the entire square. The guards stared. The townsfolk stared. Beldia's horse let out a confused snort.
Beldia's head glared, its crimson eyes narrowing. "Insolent worm. Do you have any idea who I am?"
"A Dulla-hottie? A no-neck-romancer? The poster boy for 'thinking with your other head'?" Deadpool rattled off. "Look, I'm just saying, the whole headless horseman thing is a classic, but you've gotta accessorize. Maybe juggle the head a little? Put a tiny little propeller beanie on it? You have to build the brand."
It was at this moment that Darkness, seeing an opportunity, strode forward and planted herself between Deadpool and the Demon King's general.
"Desist, foul creature!" she boomed, though her voice was trembling with barely concealed excitement. "If you wish to harm my comrades, you must go through me! I am Darkness, a Crusader! I shall be your shield! Do your worst! Curse me! Strike me down! Let your malice wash over me like a… like a warm, tingly bath!"
Beldia stared at her, utterly bewildered. "What is wrong with that woman?" his head asked his own body.
Deadpool leaned over to Kazuma. "See? I told you she was weird. Even the bad guys think so."
"I am a goddess of the celestial realm!" Aqua suddenly declared, stepping forward and pointing her staff, trying to reclaim the spotlight. "In the name of all that is good and just, I command you to return to the hell from whence you came! Begone!"
She unleashed a flash of holy light that would have made a lesser zombie crumble. It hit Beldia and… did absolutely nothing. The general was a powerful devil, not undead. He was completely immune.
"This town is an asylum," Beldia's head muttered, looking from the ecstatic Crusader to the useless goddess to the red-suited lunatic. He then noticed the small, unconscious girl slung over the lunatic's shoulder. His eyes widened as he sensed the immense, residual magical power clinging to her.
"You," he said, his voice dropping to a deadly whisper. He pointed a gauntleted finger at the sleeping Megumin. "It's you. You are the one who destroyed my outpost. My entire legion… reduced to dust."
"Who, this little firecracker?" Deadpool said, patting Megumin's back. "Yeah, she did that. It was awesome. You should have seen it. There was this big boom, and then all your spooky scary skeletons went poof. 10/10 performance."
Beldia's head began to glow with a furious, crimson aura. The temperature dropped several degrees. "I was going to offer you a choice. To give me the magic-user and I would spare the town. But your collective mockery has tried my patience. Your very existence is an insult." His glowing eyes settled on Deadpool. "Especially you."
"Me? What did I do?" Deadpool asked, feigning innocence. "I was just offering some friendly branding advice. Trying to help a fellow professional."
"You will all pay," Beldia hissed. "I will mark you. I will place a death sentence upon you. In one week's time, you will die a miserable, agonizing death. There is no cure. There is no escape. It is my curse, and it is absolute!"
He raised his hand, and a sickly purple energy, swirling with images of skulls and tormented souls, began to form in his palm. The air grew heavy, thick with the promise of death. The guards cried out in terror. Aqua shrieked. Kazuma finally dove headfirst into the rain barrel.
"A curse that guarantees death!" Darkness cried out, tears of joy streaming down her face as she spread her arms wide. "This is it! The ultimate debuff! The pinnacle of suffering! Grant me this honor!"
But as Beldia thrust his hand forward, ready to unleash the curse upon the weirdly ecstatic knight, Deadpool moved. With a speed that defied belief, he sidestepped Darkness and planted himself directly in the curse's path.
He spread his arms wide, striking a dramatic pose.
"Hit me with your best shot!" he taunted, his voice ringing with manic glee. "Fire away!"
The purple ball of screaming energy shot from Beldia's hand and flew directly toward the chest of the Merc with a Mouth.