[ | Operation: Who The Hell Are My Parents | Age: 4 Years, 3 Months]
Day 1 of my very serious investigation.
Objective: Figure out what exactly Mom and Dad do when I'm "not allowed in the room."
Clues so far:
Mom has six passports. None have her real name.
Dad answers the phone like:
"Tell him if he touches my shipment again, I'll send back his spine gift-wrapped."
Marc flinches when I ask where "Uncle Luka" went.
I've never been allowed to visit school more than twice.
(The principal fainted the last time Dad picked me up in person.)
---
Today, I snuck into Dad's office.
Slipped past two guards, disabled a laser tripwire with a juice box, and crawled under the biometric scanner while faking a cough so loud the system glitched.
(Okay fine, I bribed Jules with a chocolate bar. Tactical maneuver.)
Inside?
A black briefcase.
Shiny. Locked. Glowing red light.
Obviously evil.
I poked it.
It beeped.
So I whispered:
"Open Sesame."
Nothing happened.
Then I tried:
"Blood and honor, this child commands thee."
It… clicked.
It clicked.
OH MY GOD IT WORKED?
Inside—
Stacks of photos.
Papers with red stamps that said things like CONFIDENTIAL. HIGH VALUE TARGET. TERMINATE ON SIGHT.
Also:
A picture of Mom from ten years ago.
Long coat. High heels. Dragging a man by the collar down a staircase.
He looked terrified.
She looked bored.
---
I shut the case.
I sat back.
And I whispered, very quietly to myself:
"My mom is John Wick in eyeliner."
---
Later that night, I confronted them.
Sat across from them during dinner, arms folded like the serious interrogator I was.
"I know everything."
Mom didn't even pause stirring my soup.
"Do you?" she said, eyebrow arched.
"Yes. You're both assassins. Or mob bosses. Or warlords. Or possibly dragon smugglers."
Dad blinked once.
"What gave it away?"
I gaped.
He just kept chewing.
Mom laughed into her wine glass.
"He's yours," she said.
Then she leaned across the table, eyes twinkling:
"We were going to tell you when you turned five."
"Five?! I already have trauma!" I shouted.
"You haven't even seen trauma yet," Dad muttered, sipping coffee.
---
And that's when I learned the truth.
They didn't hide it from me because they were ashamed.
They were just waiting.
Because one day, they said, when I'm old enough—
"You'll take the empire. If you want it."
I didn't blink.
Didn't flinch.
I looked them dead in the eyes, chocolate milk mustache and all—
"I want a dragon with it."
---