The city was still asleep, drenched in that deep indigo just before sunrise, streetlights blinking slow and distant, the roads hollow and smooth beneath the car.
Tae-Hyun stared out the window.
His hand was still in Joon-Won's. Warm. Steady. Their fingers fit too well for something that wasn't supposed to matter.
He could feel the edge of Joon's wedding ring brushing his knuckle every time they shifted slightly. That part always brought him back. Like reality knocking softly from inside the dream.
They hadn't spoken much afterwards.
Joon hadn't pushed. Hadn't asked for explanations. He just got them into the car, still half-dressed and quiet, driving nowhere with one hand on the wheel and the other holding him like an anchor.
And Tae hated how safe it felt. How loved.
Because it wasn't real.
Not to Joon-Won, anyway. Not fully. Not forever.
The phone buzzed once, a soft tap against the center console and something in Tae's stomach knotted before the screen even lit up.
He looked.
Ha-Eun:
'Can we talk soon? I feel like I'm losing you.'
There it was.
Tae let go of Joon's hand immediately.
He didn't say anything. Just pulled his fingers away and crossed his arms tight over his chest, turning back toward the window like he hadn't seen it. Like his heart hadn't just slipped out of his chest and fallen onto the floor of Joon-Won's car.
Joon noticed the change immediately.
"…Tae?" His voice was low, concerned. "What's wrong?"
No answer.
"Tae."
"Why do you still answer her?" Tae asked, his voice flat. Too quiet.
Joon blinked. "What?"
"I said, why do you still answer her?" Tae turned his head slowly, eyes rimmed red but now burning. "If you're on a break — if this," he motioned vaguely between them, "actually means something to you — then why does she still get to say shit like 'i feel like im losing you.' and you don't even blink?"
Joon's hands tightened on the wheel. "That's not fair—"
"Isn't it?" Tae snapped. "She texts you that and you just keep driving like you didn't even see it. Like it's normal."
"Because it is normal!" Joon raised his voice, frustrated now. "She's my wife, Tae. We're separated, not divorced. She's allowed to be confused. This is hard for her too."
"Oh, I'm sure it's hard for her," Tae laughed bitterly. "God forbid your poor 'wife' feels like she's losing you—"
"Don't do that," Joon warned.
"'Can we talk soon?''" Tae mimicked in a high-pitched voice, mockingly soft. "'I feel like I'm losing you.' That's so romantic. You gonna go kiss her on the forehead next? Hold her hand and drive her around too?"
"Tae—!"
"What, you're mad now?" Tae turned fully to him, voice rising. "I'm the one sleeping next to you while she gets all your promises! You tell me you want me, then read that shit and stay quiet? Do you know what that does to me?!"
Joon slammed his palm against the steering wheel. "I didn't reply to her, Tae!"
"But you will!" Tae shouted. "You will, eventually! Because you always do! And then what happens to me? What happens to this?! You'll leave! You'll go back!"
The car swerved slightly as Joon-Won's voice cracked. "Don't put words in my mouth—"
"Then SAY something!" Tae was near tears again, but this time, it wasn't soft. It was angry. Desperate. "Tell me she means nothing now. Tell me I matter more. Tell me I'm not just a phase while you figure out how fucked up your marriage is!"
Joon stared straight ahead, jaw clenched, breathing hard through his nose.
Tae was panting. His chest rising fast. Fingers clawed into the sleeves of his hoodie.
"God," he whispered bitterly, almost to himself, "I'm such a fucking idiot…"
Joon-Won's knuckles were white on the steering wheel. "You really think I don't care about you?"
Tae didn't answer.
"You think I'm just using you?"
More silence.
"I've changed everything in my life for this," Joon growled, finally looking over. "You think that was easy? You think I'm sleeping peacefully at night while my entire world is falling apart?! I'm trying, Tae."
"Then why does it still feel like I'm the only one hurting?" Tae shouted, voice cracking again.
Joon didn't answer right away.
The silence dragged ugly, too loud now.
Until finally, with a breath like it hurt to take, Joon said quietly:
"…You're not just mad about the text."
Tae blinked, still seething.
"You're not mad because of her. Not really."
Joon glanced at him again, and this time, something in his voice dropped gentler, slower.
"You're mad because you feel something for me."
Tae froze.
"I see it now," Joon continued, voice barely above a whisper. "That's what all this is. You feel something. Don't you?"
Tae's mouth opened.
No words came out.
His chest rose. Fell. Shook.
And then he turned away, slowly, almost trembling, eyes wide and glassy, hands curled into fists. Completely silent. Completely still.
Joon didn't speak again.
He just drove.
And beside him, Tae-Hyun said nothing.
Didn't confirm it.
Didn't deny it.
He just stared out the window, heart exposed, pretending he hadn't just been caught.
.
.
.
.
The silence inside the car was a different kind now.
Tense. Loud in the worst way.
Tae-Hyun sat curled toward the window, jaw clenched, lips pressed tight to keep everything from falling out. His heartbeat was a hammer against his ribs. He didn't look at Joon-Won. Not after that line. Not after—
'You feel something for me.. don't you?'
He hadn't answered. Couldn't.
Because it was true. And saying it out loud would make it real.
And real things could be taken away.
So he stayed quiet. Distant. Closed off.
Joon didn't push. Just kept driving.
Until the phone buzzed again.
Tae didn't even hesitate this time. His hand darted out and grabbed it off the console.
"Tae—" Joon warned.
But Tae had already unlocked it.
Ha-Eun:
'Joonie.. I really fucking miss you. Can I call you later? I just want to hear your voice.'
His hands trembled.
He read it aloud like poison.
"I miss you. Can I call you later? I just want to hear your voice."
Joon flinched.
Tae threw the phone into Joon's lap like it burned. "This is a joke."
"She's just emotional, Tae."
"You're the joke, Joon-Won."
That got his attention.
"You don't get to sit here and hold my hand while she's begging for your voice. You don't get to kiss me and sleep in the same bed as me and then act like this is something you're confused about!" Tae was shouting now, shaking all over. "Just drop me off. Take me home."
"No."
"Joon!"
"I said no."
Tae's eyes burned. "What the fuck do you want from me?!"
Joon gritted his teeth. "I want you to stop acting like you don't know how complicated this is for me."
"And I want you to stop pretending like I'm temporary. Like I'm just some phase you're gonna fuck your way through before you tuck your little family back together and pretend none of this ever happened!"
"That's not what I'm doing!"
"Then what is this, huh?!" Tae gestured wildly between them. "What am I to you?!"
Joon didn't answer.
Tae laughed bitterly, eyes still wet. "God. She's so fucking pretty, too."
Joon's brows furrowed. "What?"
"Ha-Eun. She's perfect. Beautiful. Classy. Real." Tae's voice was cracking again. "I can't compete with that."
"Tae…"
"I mean, let's be honest. You're not even—" He stopped himself. But it was too late. "You're not even into men."
Joon-Won's face darkened. "Don't."
"You're not!" Tae snapped. "You said it yourself — you used to think you were straight. Well, surprise. You still are. You just needed a distraction for a while."
"That's bullshit."
"No, it makes perfect sense," Tae said, voice shaking, eyes shining. "Guys like you — tall, clean, successful — you experiment. You get curious. But you always go back. You always choose the safe thing in the end."
"Tae—"
"You were never gonna stay."
Joon-Won swerved the car into a sudden turn, not dangerous but sharp. Intentional. He pulled over into a quiet street, the city blinking drowsily outside the windshield.
He threw the car into park and turned toward Tae, eyes dark and chest rising.
"You think this is easy for me?" Joon's voice was low, trembling with restrained emotion. "You think I just… use people like this?"
"You're married, Joon."
"And you're married, Tae!" Joon snapped. "Don't you fucking forget that."
Tae recoiled like he'd been slapped.
"I see the way you talk about her," Joon added, voice quieter now but still sharp. "Your wife. Your perfect little life. You say I'm going back — but you've never even left."
Tae opened his mouth. Then closed it again.
"You think I don't see it?" Joon continued, bitterness curling in his throat. "The way you light up when she texts. The way you still wear your ring unless I take it off. You act like you're the only one who's jealous, but do you know what it does to me when you talk about how pretty she is? Or when you laugh at something your son said and I realize I'll never be part of that world?"
Tae's breath caught.
"I hate it," Joon said softly. "I hate knowing you still belong to someone else even if she's supportive of all this. You're still hers."
The car went quiet.
Tae sat frozen.
Joon looked away, exhaling through his teeth, as if realizing what he just admitted.
Tae's voice came out soft. "You get jealous?"
Joon didn't answer.
But he didn't need to.
His knuckles were white again. His throat moved. His silence said it.
And for the first time… Tae-Hyun didn't know what to do with it.
So he just turned back toward the window again. Quiet. Guarded.
Joon didn't say anything more.
And the car sat in the silence of two men too afraid to admit they were already in too deep.
And once again.. The car was too quiet again. Not the kind of quiet he liked.
Not the kind where Tae-Hyun leaned against the seat and let his hand be held. This was the kind where he pulled away. Again. And again. And again.
Joon sat there, trying to breathe, the image of Tae reading Ha-Eun's text still burning behind his eyes. The hurt in his voice. The way he threw his phone like it meant nothing, like he meant nothing.
Joon didn't know what to do with that.
He didn't know how to make him stay.
So he snapped.
"I hate it, you know," he said into the silence. "The thought of you with someone else."
Tae-Hyun didn't turn. Just stared out the passenger window.
Joon gripped the steering wheel harder. "I fucking hate it."
Tae's jaw shifted. Just slightly.
"Even thinking about you letting another man touch you—" Joon's voice cracked. "Laughing with him. Letting him kiss you the way you let me. The things you say to me. The way you look at me. I can't stand it. I can't even breathe when I think about it."
Tae's voice came low. Icy. "Right. But it's fine when it's women for you."
Joon looked over. "What?"
"You get to sleep with your wife for years, get kissed and touched and loved and called all those stupid little names," Tae hissed, finally turning to face him. "You get to have memories. And then I come along and I'm not supposed to be bothered by the fact that you've had a whole fucking life without me?"
"That's not fair."
"None of this is fair, Joon-Won!"
The air in the car snapped tight. Joon pushed the door open suddenly and got out.
So did Tae.
He walked fast down the sidewalk, hoodie pulled over his head, breath visible in the early morning cold. The streets were still mostly empty — just dim storefronts and flickering lights and silence.
Joon slammed his door shut and went after him. "Tae—!"
"Don't," Tae shouted over his shoulder. "Just leave me alone."
"I won't."
"Why?!"
"Because you're fucking running again—!"
"You're the one who's always running back to her!" Tae yelled without turning. "Go text her back! Go let her hear your voice!"
Joon jogged forward, grabbing his arm roughly but not violently, just enough to make him stop.
Tae shoved him back.
Joon grabbed him again.
"Let me go."
"No."
"Joon."
"No," Joon said through gritted teeth. "You don't get to run away every time you're scared. Every time you feel something."
"I don't feel anything!"
"Bullshit!"
Tae shoved him again, harder this time. Joon didn't move.
"I don't!" Tae screamed. "I don't feel anything! This was a mistake. You were a mistake—"
"Say it again," Joon said low, stepping forward. "Look me in the eye and say it again."
Tae looked away.
"Exactly," Joon whispered.
"I want it to stop," Tae said suddenly, voice shaking. "I want this to end."
It hit Joon like a slap.
He froze.
Didn't breathe. Didn't blink.
His grip on Tae's wrist loosened slowly. The world around them felt blurry.. too quiet again, but this time in the way that only heartbreak could be.
He stared at Tae like he didn't recognize him.
Tae's chest was rising and falling too fast, his eyes glassy but defiant. Like a cornered animal who bit just to survive.
Neither of them spoke.
For a long time.
And then finally Joon's voice came low. Barely audible.
"…You don't mean that."
Tae didn't answer.
But his lower lip trembled.
And Joon still didn't let go.
Not fully.
Just held on. Quiet now. Staring.
Because he knew.
They were both standing on a cliff edge.
And neither of them knew what came next.
The street was still.
Too still.
The kind of quiet that felt like the world was holding its breath, like even the morning wind knew something fragile was breaking between them.
Tae's wrist was still in Joon-Won's hand.
Held gently now, but firm. Possessive. Like letting go wasn't an option.
And Tae hated how much he didn't want to pull away.
So he did.
"Let go."
Joon didn't move.
"Let go, Joon."
His grip tightened.
Tae tried again, more forceful this time, trying to twist free. "Please—just let me go. I can't—"
"I won't."
"Why?!" Tae shouted, eyes glassy again. "What the fuck do you want from me?! I already told you—!"
"I think I'm in love with you."
Silence.
Tae froze mid-motion, arm still twisted, mouth parted slightly like the words had knocked the air out of him.
Joon didn't let go.
Didn't blink.
His chest rose with a deep breath, the kind you take before diving underwater. "There. That's it."
"Don't—" Tae whispered, voice trembling. "Don't say shit like that."
"You want the truth? You keep asking me why I do this—why I let this happen," Joon said, eyes locked on him. "That's the reason."
Tae shook his head.
"I didn't plan this," Joon went on, voice thick. "I didn't look at you and think, 'I'm going to fall for a married man.' I didn't want this."
"Then why—"
"Because I couldn't stop."
Tae's whole body felt numb.
"I tried," Joon said, a bit quieter now, the edges of his voice fraying. "I tried to stay calm. To keep my distance. You kept asking how I could be so composed around you, remember? That's why."
Tae blinked fast.
"Because I knew the second I let myself feel it — it wouldn't stop. And I was right." Joon's eyes glinted wet in the dim streetlight. "I can't stop."
Tae took a step back.
Joon followed.
"I told myself this was just desire. Curiosity. A phase. Something I'd regret."
Another step back.
"And maybe it is. Maybe I should regret it," Joon said, voice rising with him. "But I don't. I regret everything before this."
Tae stopped walking.
Breath stuck in his throat.
Joon's voice cracked. "Because now I know what it feels like to want someone. Not just out of habit. Not just out of comfort."
Tae swallowed hard.
"I think I married Ha-Eun because she was safe. Familiar. She loved me first. She didn't ask questions. And I thought that was enough."
His voice was hoarse now, too honest. "I thought affection and guilt and taking care of someone could pass for love."
Tae's shoulders curled in slightly. He hated how much he wanted to believe it.
"But then you happened," Joon whispered. "And I realized I've never really been in love."
He took a step closer.
"You make me feel everything I didn't know I needed. And I hate it. I hate how much I crave you. How much I wait for your texts, how I notice every small thing about you, how I remember how your voice changes when you're nervous—"
"Joon—" Tae breathed.
"I know this is fucked up. I know it's wrong. But if you really think I'm a mistake—if you really want this to end—" Joon's voice dropped to a near-whisper. "Then say it."
Tae stared at him, heart slamming against his ribs.
"Look me in the eye and tell me I was just a distraction," Joon said. "Tell me you feel nothing, and I'll walk away. I swear."
Tae opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Joon's jaw tightened. His chest visibly shook.
"Because if you don't… I'll fall harder. I'm already halfway there."
Tae's hand trembled at his side. He couldn't speak.
He couldn't move.
Because there it was — the truth. Raw. Shaking. Unfiltered.
Joon-Won, standing in front of him in the pale morning light, eyes wide open, heart unguarded for the first time since they met.
And Tae-Hyun had no idea what to do with it.
Except want to hold him and run at the same time.
His mouth parted, but the words were tangled somewhere behind the fear.
So instead.. he just stared.
Breathing uneven. Torn in every direction.
And Joon waited.
He didn't press.
He just stood there, finally still, finally silent.. holding Tae's gaze like it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.