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"They didn't have to die. They did it to save my life. And my dad expected you to look after me afterwards. They both did."
Sirius turned to look at Harry over his shoulder, his expression anguished.
"I know I failed them. It's my fault. That's why I have to kill Peter."
No! If Sirius left now, Harry might never see him again!
As Sirius moved to open the door, Harry lunged at Sirius' back. He shoved Sirius into the door as hard as he could, slamming the door shut again in the process.
"If you leave me again, you'll fail them" he snarled into the prison-issued robes as he fisted two wads of fabric. "You'll fail him."
There was only one him in Sirius' mind. It was a low blow and desperately manipulative besides. It was a tactic worthy of a Slytherin. But it worked. Under him, Sirius stilled. For several long moments there was just the two of them, breathing harshly.
"It was my idea to make Peter the secret keeper" Sirius insisted, sounding less implacably certain and far more worried, as if he was trying to explain something that should be obvious to Harry. "I have to kill him."
"Sirius… Sirius my dad and mum could've just said 'no.'"
"James trusted me to pick the right secret keeper!"
"No, he trusted Peter to be a good secret keeper. He trusted you to look after me and be a good godfather to me."
Well…Harry was not entirely sure about that one. But it sounded good. James Potter was Sirius Black's largest and most obvious weakness. Harry actually had some unpleasant suspicions about that statement. If he was right about Professor Dumbledore, there was a very real possibility that there was never any way Sirius could have saved Harry's parents or held onto Harry after their deaths.
Sirius stiffened. "Then I've already failed him. I should go kill Peter."
"You were in Azkaban without a trial. You got here as soon as you could." Why the hell hadn't he thought to kidnap Remus when he had the chance? He knew Sirius was coming. Everyone had. So where was Remus when Harry really needed him? "I still need my godfather."
"You live with your muggle relatives."
"And spent the first eleven years of that being called a freak and playing their house elf and living in a boot cupboard."
Sirius made horrible sound. It took Harry a few moments to realize that he was growling.
"If you hurt them, you'll go back to Azkaban and I'll be stuck with them."
Sirius twisted out of Harry's grip and shoved him back a few steps so that he could turn to face Harry.
"I'm not allowed to kill Peter or your muggles. What good am I to you?"
"When the year ends, I'm going to come live with you" Harry said with more confidence than he felt. Dumbledore could not make him live with the Dursleys now that he was a legal adult. Right? "We're going to have fun and you're going to get better."
"But Wormtail…"
"I already caught him and turned him in to the Aurors. They're going to try him. Hopefully, you'll get a trial too."
Sirius seemed to have trouble understanding that. "But it's my fault… my fault… my fault…"
Harry bit back a sigh. "I don't think it was ever your fault. My parents could have saved themselves. They chose to die for me."
"James and Lily would never choose to die!" Sirius' eyes blazed with his rage and pain.
"Not even if it was the only way to save my life?" Sirius was quiet so Harry added, "I don't remember much about them but I do remember that. They must have loved me better than anything. And they loved you enough to give me to you if anything happened to them."
It was a bit embarrassing to talk about himself like that even if it must have been true but if that's what it took to refocus Sirius, Harry could put up with a little embarrassment. Sirius suddenly sagged, like his energy had left him with his overwhelming sense of purpose.
"But I failed them" he argued, sounding pitiful and young.
'And I failed you' Harry thought as he looked at the damaged man before him. He remembered something that the other Sirius had done for him several times when they had both been at Grimmauld Place. Harry had secretly enjoyed it even though was embarrassing and he never quite knew how to respond to it. Harry had never done it for anyone, not even Sirius.
Harry gently wrapped his arms around Sirius in a hug.
"They would have forgiven you." As Harry remembered the train station he amended, "They'll forgive you. They won't be angry with you. Everything's going to be okay."
For a moment Sirius was stiff and clearly as bewildered and uncomfortable as Harry had ever been during a hug. Then a moment later Sirius was hugging Harry desperately.
It took awhile to detach Sirius and herd him into the bathroom. It involved promises not to leave and a bit of shoving. When Harry returned to the common room all of his current textbooks were neatly stacked on a corner of one of the tables. Grabbing the one for Charms, Harry settled into the squashy armchair that Sirius had touched before.
It was a couple of chapters later when he realized that someone was staring at him.
Harry looked up. Sirius, clean and in new black robes, was sprawled in the squashy armchair across from him and staring intently at Harry. Harry blinked and tried not to look as uncomfortable as he felt.
"Hey. Um… er… Do you need anything?"
Sirius slowly shook his head.
"Can I get you anything?"
Another negative head shake.
"Do you want to talk?"
Again, the answer was a silent no. Harry tried to go back to reading. The eyes were burning into him. Exasperated Harry looked up only to realize that at some point Sirius had fallen asleep. He was in the same chair and his face was turned toward Harry but he was definitely unconscious. A quick mobilicorpus spell later and there was a thick blanket waiting for him on the table in front of the fireplace. Harry gently spread the blanket over Sirius, switched his Charms book for Herbology, and settled in to read his assigned topics.
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