"What the... how the hell are you still here?" Wally blurted out. It was August 3rd, and I'd just gotten back to the cave after a... break from super heroing at Wonder Woman's insistence.
"Well, I didn't actually kill anybody on US soil, so I'm not a criminal here, and the government of Santa Prisca... declined to press charges or ask for my extradition. Hence, I'm still a free man and therefore a hero," I explained. "You see Wally, getting away with murder is easy, you just have to do in places where people don't care, to people everybody else doesn't like. Or carefully dispose of the body with acid, bleach, and preferably a touch of fire, while making sure you have an alibi and no documented reason to want your victim dead." Wallace gave me a look that as two parts disgusted and one part terrified while backing away slowly.
"So... you're still on the team because... why?" he asked suspiciously.
"I helpfully pointed out that without League oversight there was just no telling what I might do," I chuckled. That little conversation had done interesting things to the dispositions of pretty much every League member except Wonder Woman, because she was an actual saint. And, possibly coincidentally, the only one who didn't treat me like a rabid human shaped attack dog slash WMD. It had certainly made my mandatory counseling sessions with Black Canary awkward. Oh, Dinah did her best to hide it, but I could see her pulse increase whenever I sat down in the chair across from her.
"You know what? I'm done talking to you," Kid Flash sighed in disgust before zipping off.
"Yeah, well fuck you too, you ADD riddled, tactless, rash, piece of shit," I muttered under my breath. Most of the others I could handle. Robin didn't like me, but his training with Batman ensured that he treated me a professional respect. M'gann was just a sweetheart, although a hideously naive and sickeningly stereotypical teenage one. Superboy and I limited our interaction to grunts of acknowledgment, and Aqualad was really quite pleasant and refreshingly tactically minded. But Kid Flash. Good fucking god, Kid Flash. Every time he opened his worthless halitosis riddled sound hole I felt the overwhelming desire to to punch his throat into applesauce. He contributed literally nothing except to make our missions more "exciting" via his fuck ups.
I took a deep breath and counted to ten, just like Black Canary had taught me. Finding that it did literally nothing to help mitigate my dislike of Kid Flash, I decided to use my patented method for calming down, which was to plan out the deaths of everyone I didn't like, beginning with Wally and ending with... huh, I wasn't actually sure. There were a lot of people I didn't like, ranging from fellow heroes, to villains, to public figures like G Gordon Godfrey. In fact, the only reason I hadn't killed that piece of shit, muck raking, fear mongering, unsubstantiated yellow journalistic taint on reporters anywhere was because Wonder Woman had kept me locked in the Themiscyran embassy for the past month. At least I liked Greek food.
"Recognized, Super Boy, B-04," the zeta tube's computer announced. Sure enough, everyone's favorite scowling clone stomped out of the bright light and marched right through Kaldur and Wally's holographic air hockey game. Way to be a dick Super Boy.
"Everybody ready for training?" Black Canary asked as she emerged from deeper in the cave, accompanied by none other than J'onn J'onzz himself.
"Uncle J'onn!" M'gann squealed excitedly, rushing forward to wrap him in a tight hug.
"M'gann," J'onn returned his nieces affectionate embrace, "I was in the are and thought I'd stop by, see how you're getting along."
"Stick around," Black Canary called after Super Boy, who had turned and started to walk away. "Class is in session. I'm proud to be your teacher, and I'll be throwing a lot at you," she continued, wincing slightly as she took off her signature black leather jacket, revealing a fresh bandage on her upper left arm. "Everything I've learned from my own teachers, and my own mistakes."
"What happened?" M'gann asked, pointing to her injured arm.
"The job," Black Canary replied evasively, but I already knew differently. I could smell seared flesh beneath the antiseptic and coagulants. She'd gotten burned, presumably by some kind of energy weapon, based on how she was moving her arm. There was more muscle damage than skin damage.
"Combat is about control, putting the battle on your terms. You should always be acting, and never reacting. I'll need a sparring partner." she declared.
"Yeah, right here!" Wally called out confidently, noisily chewing on a banana. With a confident flick he tossed the peel into the trash can and sauntered into the ring.
"After this, I'll show you my moves," he taunted, winking saucily at the older woman. I just grinned, a look mimicked by Black Canary. Wally had no clue how badly he was outmatched. Without a word of warning, Black Canary jabbed at his face, causing Wally to reflexively throw his arms up to block. This was a mistake, since it broke his line of sight and allowed her to sweep his legs out from under him. It was nicer than what I would have done, but I also wasn't supposed to maim my teammates, so... yeah. Either way, watching crash down onto floor in a grunt of pain was quite cathartic.
"Ugh, hurts so good," he wheezed, trying to recover his wounded pride.
"Good block, but did anybody see what he did wrong?" Black Canary asked as she helped Wally to his feet.
"Ooh, ohh, he hit on teacher and got served?" Robin called out gleefully.
"Dude!" Wally threw up his arms in the universal "what the hell, bro?" gesture.
"He was unprepared for combat to be initiated, and when he blocked your punch he also disrupted his vision of the target, allowing you to sweep his legs. An amateur mistake caused by over reliance on powers, and one commonly found in upper tier meta-humans," I rattled off, almost subconsciously.
"Correct," Black Canary nodded.
"Oh please, Super Boy scoffed, "with my powers, the battle is always on my terms."
"Incorrect," I countered, "your enhanced Kryptonian senses make you especially vulnerable to sonic weaponry and bright flashes. A flashbang grenade would, in fact, neutralize you for approximately four seconds, which would be more than enough time for a skilled combatant to kill you, either with kryptonite, or a suitably durable meta material sharpened to a monomolecular edge inserted into your brain through you auditory canal. Or your eyes. In addition, you possess no inherent resistance to magic, meaning a magically enchanted bullet would kill just as easily as a normal human being. Such projectiles, while rare, are not overly difficult to obtain, and can be fired from otherwise normal weapons. Your need to play hero, along with over confidence in your abilities, would lead to you or Superman deciding to simply tank the bullet, rather than dodge and risk civilians being endangered. On a more advanced level, it is not unreasonable to assume that if Cadmus could get their hands on Superman's DNA, they could also design a biological weapon to kill you. In addition, your hand to hand skills cause me physical pain every time I see throw one of your hideously telegraphed haymakers," I sighed. "Let me show you how it's done."
I stepped onto the training mat before anyone could object, with a massive grin on my face. Black Canary was easily one of the best martial artist on the planet. I could beat her, but it would be challenge.
"Does anybody else find it disturbing that Realis apparently knows at least three ways to kill Superman.
"Ten, actually, but four of them aren't feasible without the help of a dedicated science team," I replied as Black Canary and I slowly began to circle each other.
"You really think you can beat me?" Black Canary asked, her own smile mirroring mine. I suspected it had been years since she'd had a proper challenge in a fist fight, and she was looking forward to this almost as much as I was.
"Canary, I can hear your heartbeat, smell the adrenaline coursing through your veins, see your muscles twitch. I know every fighting style you do, and how you like to combine them. I can reset my own bones with the proper muscle movements, control my metabolism, and possess a degree of spatial awareness and grasp of angular geometry that would have Deadshot screaming bullshit. Your loss is a foregone conclusion. But I do expect you to put up a decent fight," I taunted. There was an instant of tense silence, and then we both attacked.
Canary led with a left jab to test my defenses, which I deflected with a slight hand motion even as I lunged forward with a jab of my own. Canary tilted her head slightly to allow my fist to just barely miss her face before twisting her arm around to try and put me in a front facing headlock. For my part, I passed her arm over my head with with my right hand as I retracted my left, and then attempted to brace her elbow against my left collar bone to brace her forearm for a wrist lock. She countered perfectly, and predictably, by slipping into Krav Maga's joint lock flow, slapping my right elbow up and breaking the hold before pulling her left elbow down. However, she had to lean forwards to do so, which was what I'd been counting on. I pulled up my shoulders and braced my neck before rocking my upper body forward into a headbutt that glanced off her jaw. She'd pulled back at the last second, but had thrown herself slightly off balance in the process, allowing me to slip under her guard and smash my fist into her ribs.
Black Canary grunted in pain, but retaliated with an open handed slap to my right ear that, while not as effective as a proper ear clap, still gave the breathing room she needed to skip back a step and regain some space. I spotted the twitch in her right shoulder, letting me know that she was going to lead with a right straight before she did so, and I shifted my body towards her "dead side" as she committed to the strike. Her eyes went wide as she realized what was about to happen, and to her credit her reactions were superb. She was already turning her head to absorb the impact of my left cross to her jaw even as I threw the punch. It wasn't quite enough, and the impact rattled her enough for me to slip in a vicious right hook to her solar plexus. I'll give Black Canary credit where it was due, however. She realized that she was going to take the hit no matter what, and used the the split second that my guard was non-existent to land a brutal elbow strike that dislocated my jaw.
The pain was distracting, and as she staggered backwards gasping for air I took a second to tighten my Masseter and Zygomaticus muscles, resetting my jaw. She had just started to straighten up when I launched a upward front kick into her groin. Most people didn't realize this, but women were almost as vulnerable to "not shots" as men were. As a general rule, things with lots of nerves, like eyes or sexual organs, were extremely vulnerable to blunt force trauma.
Black Canary let out a gasp of pain and turned her body's instinctive reaction to curl into a ball into a forward roll and mule kick aimed at the back of my left leg. I twisted my hips, moving my knee out of the path of her kick and causing her boot to scrape against my calf. I transitioned this twist into a spinning back kick that smashed into her right knee. There wasn't enough room for me to put the proper amount of force into it, so her knee didn't break like it ordinarily would have, but getting kicked in the knee joint is never fun and Canary was forced to throw herself into another roll to try and regain her balance.
I was determined not to give her a chance to regain her bearings, so I leapt after her with my leg raised high, poised for a vicious ax kick that brought my heel smashing down onto her spine. Black Canary seized the opportunity to surge upwards, trying to throw me off balance, and against anyone else it would have worked. But I spotted her leg muscles tensing and flexing just before she did so, so all it did was buy her time to spin around.
"See Canary, this is why you're my favorite," I explained as she blocked my retaliatory flying knee strike, only to catch my followup hammer strike on her collar bone. "Anybody else would have been dead by now."
"It's so nice to be appreciated," she grunted back sarcastically as she threw a swift but predictable uppercut that glanced off my jaw. I slammed my shoulder into her chest and grabbed her hips, shoving her backwards and dipping under her lightning fast right hook.
"Careful, what would Arrow think if he heard you talking like that?" I mocked as I smashed my fist into her hip bone with a quick rabbit punch. It wouldn't do much more than hurt, but with a little luck it would interfere with her ability to move her left leg properly. You didn't have to beat your opponent with one masterful stroke, a death of a thousand cuts would get the job done just fine too.
I was already lunging forwards with my left hand as I rose back up from underneath her hook, intercepting her attempted palm strike and deflecting it off to one side. I got in a solid punch that smacked into her cheekbone instead of her nose as I'd intended, and was rewarded with with a knee to the groin. Canary didn't have to proper positioning to put the full force of her body behind the blow, but it was enough to wind me. I gasped, but fought through the pain, aided by the sudden adrenaline rush that usually followed a nut shot. I tucked my left arm up against the side of my head, curling my hand back to protect my neck and absorbing the blow of her followup strike. Instead of retaliating with a right straight, like she expected, I slammed both my palms into her ears, disorienting her and giving me the time a needed to hop back and smash a forward punch kick into her pelvis, forcing her to double over. I followed my assault up by wrapping my hands around the back of her head and driving her face down into my knee.
Black Canary staggered backwards, blood seeping from her nose, but recovered admirably, planting her feet and swaying only slightly as she did so.
"Okay, okay, I concede. You've got the upper hand now, and I still need to teach the others," Black Canary suddenly declared, bowing properly, with her hands at her side and her head down.
"Gah, you tease! That was to most fun I've had in months!" I exclaimed, mimicking her motion. Bowing after a fight was stupid, in my opinion, but Black Canary was certainly worthy of such respect. I hadn't been joking when I'd said that anyone else would have lost much sooner.
"What the fuck was that?" Wally asked, sounding thoroughly bewildered.