The bewilderment lasted for several seconds. Now that I was stripped of my powers, there wasn't much I could do on my own to bring Garfiel and Patrasche back.
"We have to find them, soon!"
Otto nodded and let out a sharp whistle to summon his insect friends. They gathered around him quickly and scattered after receiving instructions.
"I'll go tell the others!"
After saying that, Otto hurried toward the mansion. For a brief second, I thought about taking one of the dragons and heading out to search for Garfiel, but I knew that in my weakened state, I would do nothing more than put myself in useless danger.
As I stepped away from the stables, Clind suddenly appeared and approached, observing me with sharp eyes. He didn't seem surprised by my agitation.
"I have seen young Garfiel leave the mansion with your land dragon a few minutes ago. Insight. If you wish, I will pursue them. Efficiency."
His offer caught me off guard, but I didn't hesitate.
"Do it."
I answered immediately, and he nodded before disappearing in a burst of speed. I felt a slight wave of relief; he was immensely skilled, so his assistance would be invaluable.
Nevertheless, I still felt deeply uncomfortable leaving everything in the hands of others. I was supposed to be the one handling these things.
Besides, I was partly to blame for this mess.
"Tsk."
I returned to the mansion feeling an empty void inside, as if I had lost a limb. I finally had an excuse to stay put and not have to run around frantically from one place to another, but it was no comfort—it was a bitter reminder.
The world refused to give me a single moment of peace, and now I had no powers to set things right. Stripped of my abilities, I had no choice but to resign myself.
As accustomed as I had grown to being on the front lines, I couldn't force myself into it now.
"Leandoor!"
I heard Ram's voice and saw her running from the far end of the long hallway I was standing in. Despite the dozens of meters separating us, she caught up to me in no time.
"If you're going after Garfiel—"
"I'm not."
The speed at which I shot down her assumption seemed to surprise her a little. Noticing my foul mood, she knit her brows slightly and crossed her arms.
"What happened between you two?"
"He asked me to help him win you over."
"Oh."
Ram understood instantly what had transpired, leaving no need for further explanation.
"You were rather direct."
"I think it would have been worse if I had lied to him or made up some excuse."
She seemed to agree, though she refrained from commenting further.
"So you aren't going after him?"
I smiled mockingly, shrugging my shoulders.
"I'm exhausted and weak. I couldn't do a thing even if I knew where he was. Since I can't help, I'm just going to mind my own business."
She had told me recently that I would never be a burden. I wished my heart agreed with her.
"It's not like I'm leaving him to his fate, though. Clind is looking for him, and Otto sent insects to track him down. I have to trust them. It's not like I'm the only person who can solve problems around here."
"Of course, because you're so mature and it doesn't bother you at all not having control over everything."
Ram saw right through my fake acceptance. Her sarcasm poured salt straight into the wound of my ego.
I bit my lip, suppressing the surge of anger rising within me.
"I know I have issues with how I view things. I'm trying to change, but it's not easy when it feels like the lives of the people I care about depend on my actions."
Ram looked at me intently and reached out her hand, lightly poking my chest with her finger.
"Don't be ridiculous. We are free to make our own decisions, and sometimes those decisions are bad, but that's how we learn from our mistakes. If you try to guide everyone and never let them fail, they will never truly learn anything—they will just become dependent on you. Is that what you want? A flock of useless fools who rely on you for everything? Just so you can feel powerful or something?"
Her words brought a flush of shame to my face. I lowered my head to break eye contact.
"To feel important… I always wanted to be important…" I confessed with a trace of melancholy.
Ram grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her.
"Well, you succeeded. You are important to many people, so don't act like a grieving child with me. I am neither Rem nor Lady Emilia—I have no intention of letting you weep on my lap."
I let out a soft laugh, feeling the knot in my throat loosen slightly.
"I'm terrified that another powerful enemy will show up. If something bad happens to any of you… I won't be able to do anything this time."
It could be a Doppelgänger or one of the original figures of this wretched world, which was bad enough on its own.
In the worst-case scenario, I was a latent hazard myself. If I had been a monster in other timelines, that darkness could affect me now too, especially if I kept regaining those memories.
Ram placed her hands on my cheeks, giving me a gentle stroke despite her stern expression.
"Then stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on your recovery."
"Ram…"
Impulsively, I pulled her into a tight hug. To my surprise, she didn't resist.
"I wish things didn't have to be like this…"
"What things?"
I didn't answer right away. Ram raised her head to look at me.
"Tell me."
"Roswaal isn't wrong about me. If you knew everything I've done, you would hate me…"
"Are you referring to pretending to be from this world and spinning a fake story about your past?"
"So Rem told you about that."
That saved us a lot of complicated questions and answers.
Ram gave a firm nod. I shook my head.
"No, that's not what I mean."
"Is it something you haven't told Rem?"
"No, she doesn't know either. She said she doesn't care about my past."
"To be honest, neither do I."
That almost brought a smile to my face. I expected nothing less from her.
However, I couldn't stop now.
"What if I told you I've killed thousands of innocent people? That I toyed with everyone's lives? Would you still say the same thing?"
"Are you saying you actually did those things? Truly?"
"Yes."
Ram remained silent for several long seconds.
"Do you regret it?"
"Yes."
"Then I stand by what I said."
I frowned.
"It's not that simple. Regretting it doesn't erase the terrible things I did."
"And what do you want me to do? Insult you? Strike you?"
"No, but…"
"Listen to me, Leandoor. It is far too late to try and push me away. I would only turn from you if you harmed Rem, but you are utterly incapable of doing that."
My chest constricted painfully.
"Of course," I whispered softly. "As long as I remain myself."
Ram narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean by that?"
I glanced around. Nobody appeared to be anywhere nearby, so I braced myself to speak about my greatest anxiety.
"Imagine if you could reset the world and live through it as many times as you wanted. You'd have the power to do and undo whatever you wished without consequences… except for the fact that you would remember everything you did—the good and the bad. You'd remember how you treated others and what you felt while doing it."
She stared at me without blinking. "How many times?"
"More than I can count."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe it was boredom, or maybe it was because back then, I didn't see this world and its people as real. It might even be tied to my mission."
"Mission?"
"When I arrived in this world—before the very first reset—I made a pact with certain Witches, and my memories are sealed away. I know I have a purpose, but I still don't fully remember it. Every so often, as a test, a double of mine appears and tries to kill me or those close to me. If I manage to eliminate it, I regain fragments of memory from the worlds I left behind. The problem is… my mind is getting clouded. The feelings of my other selves are bleeding into mine."
My voice began to tremble, and so did my hands.
"And I'm terrified that if this keeps going, my personality will warp until I'm unrecognizable. I don't want to turn back into a damn psychopath who plays with people's lives. I don't want to stop being who I am. I don't want to hurt the people I care about…"
By the time I finished, my voice had broken. My eyes welled up with tears that I refused to let fall.
"I hate myself for being like this! If I didn't have this darkness inside me, I wouldn't have to be afraid! I'm not some damn victim to be crying over my own mistakes!"
I let out a harsh noise of frustration. Nothing was worse than being unable to control myself—than being my own executioner.
"I did all of that because I wanted to, and because I could. Nobody forced me to become that. Now, my past is returning to destroy the few good things I've managed to do."
Suddenly, Ram yanked on my ear, making me groan in pain.
"Ow!?"
"Stop whimpering like that. It's pathetic."
"Ow! I get it! Will you let go of my ear!?"
"Not until you wipe that foolish look off your face."
"I can't change my face!"
She completely ignored my protest.
"Do you truly believe a life is defined by who you used to be? If that were true, I would never have fallen in love with Roswaal… nor with you."
"..."
"Rem would still distrust you for smelling like a cultist. Lady Emilia would still be a fragile, dependent girl… even more so than now. Garfiel would never have stepped outside the Sanctuary."
"..."
"Do you understand? Everyone can change. And most importantly, to change, you need to remember your mistakes. If you forget the past, you condemn yourself to repeat it."
"But I did unforgivable things…"
"In a previous world. You are no longer in that world, nor are you the same person. Get over it."
"It's not as easy as you make it sound."
"Nothing ever is! It is never easy! But if you don't even try, you will ruin everything you've accomplished! If you become that monster you claim to be, all your efforts and ours will be in vain! Do you want to lose the people you fought for!? Are you going to give up on yourself without considering the consequences!? That would be, by far, the most selfish thing you have ever done!"
Ram's words rattled through my mind like a sharp slap waking me from a trance.
What the hell is wrong with me? Since when did I get so dramatic and edgy? I'm not fifteen years old anymore to be weeping over my inner demons.
I wanted to laugh at myself, but I didn't have the energy.
I quickly wiped the tears from my face and let out the lingering stress in a deep sigh.
"You're right. Thanks for opening my eyes."
"Hmph, don't get used to—"
Ram couldn't finish her sentence because I silenced her with a kiss that caught her entirely off guard.
Her hands moved instinctively to grip my shoulders, but instead of pushing me away, she pulled me closer, moving her lips in tandem with mine.
Suddenly, another woman's voice echoed through the hall, startling me. Ram and I broke apart abruptly to face the newcomer.
"Master Leandro!"
It was Frederica, bearing a thoroughly indignant expression.
"Do you think it appropriate to indulge in such acts while my brother is missing!?"
Ram let go of me and faced Frederica directly. "This has nothing to do with Garfiel."
I cleared my throat. "Actually, it does. Garfiel ran off because I told him about my relationship with Ram."
Frederica gasped. "So that's why he reacted like that!"
"Garfiel has always been terribly impulsive," Ram dismissed his feelings as if he were merely a child throwing a tantrum. Perhaps there was truth to it, but it didn't make it any less important. If he was in danger, we couldn't ignore it.
However, Frederica didn't know that I was completely deprived of my powers, which became glaringly obvious from what she said next.
"I understand my brother is acting childishly, but he is taking a massive risk by running off like this. Master Leandro, you could have stopped him—why didn't you?"
"Because I don't have my powers. Since I woke up, I've been unable to use any form of magic."
The maid stared at me in shock. "I see. My apologies for troubling you."
She offered a strained bow and began to walk away.
"Frederica!"
She paused. "Yes?"
"I sent Clind to find Garfiel, so it's only a matter of time before we have him back…"
Since Frederica had her back to me, I couldn't read her face.
"I certainly hope so, Master Leandro."
I wanted to say, 'I won't let anything happen to him,' to reassure her, but it wouldn't have been genuine. I really wasn't sure if everything would turn out alright this time.
Clind tore along the trail at full speed, tracking Patrasche's footprints, moving like a streak of blue lightning that left a trail of wind and dust in his wake.
The butler of the Miload manor could traverse dozens of kilometers in mere minutes without expending notable effort. In fact, he hadn't even considered resorting to his dragonkin form.
Clind was acutely aware of his own capabilities; that was precisely why he felt uneasy. He knew Garfiel had only a few minutes' head start when the pursuit began.
By simple arithmetic, Clind calculated that it should take him less than half an hour to catch up to the demi-human riding the land dragon Patrasche.
Yet the sun was already setting, and Clind, who had expected to catch sight of Garfiel and Patrasche long ago, saw only an empty horizon with no sign of progress.
His immediate thought was that he had somehow taken a wrong turn, but looking down, he confirmed that the distinct tracks of Leandro's dragon were right there on the ground.
"What is the meaning of this? Mystery. It is impossible for her to be faster than me. Incoherence."
Baffled, Clind began questioning the logic of the situation. Then a chilling realization hit him. Looking closely, he noticed that he was surrounded by the exact same trees, the same scattered rocks on the ground, and the same terrain irregularities.
He had been running in the exact same spot, without advancing an inch, for hours.
Along with that realization, Clind sensed two presences that materialized out of nowhere, as though they had been standing there all along, imperceptible until now.
The butler came to a dead halt and turned toward those he assumed were responsible for the anomaly.
One was a young man with spiky black hair and brown eyes, similar to Leandro's but lighter in tone. The other was also a young man, though far more striking in appearance.
He had stark white hair and golden eyes, dressed in an elegant white outfit trimmed with gold and black details.
Clind studied them coldly before speaking with composure.
"Who are you? Suspicion."
"Hey, it's quite rude to demand someone's identity without introducing yourself first. Don't you have any manners, butler? Your conduct leaves much to be desired, as does your intellect. You should have noticed you were running in circles a long time ago, don't you think? I would have figured it out infinitely faster."
"..."
Clind ignored the white-haired youth entirely and fixed his gaze on the other. Upon inspecting him closely, he sensed something profoundly disturbing.
"That soul… is a fragment… And it matches Leandro's!"