Scene: The Jedi Temple, Council Chambers. A young Padawan Ezra Bridger stands before the assembled Masters, looking far too pleased with himself. His Master, Aayla Secura, is already regretting every life choice that led her to this moment.
Ezra: (bows dramatically) "Masters of the Jedi Council, today I present to you… the future."
Yoda: (ears twitching suspiciously) "Hmm. Future, you say? Elaborate, you must."
Ezra: (grinning) "Gladly. Through my groundbreaking research into psychometry and Hyper Perception, I have developed a revolutionary new application of the Force—one that will end Jedi celibacy-induced grumpiness FOREVER."
Mace Windu: (already massaging his temples) "Oh no."
Ki-Adi-Mundi: (leaning forward) "This sounds… concerning."
Plo Koon: (adjusting his mask) "Or fascinating."
Aayla Secura: (whispering through clenched teeth) "Ezra, I swear to the Force—"
Ezra: (ignoring her) "Behold! The Bridger Method of Erotic Force Amplification!" (dramatic hand flourish)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (immediately reaching for his flask) "Why is it always like this?"
Shaak Ti: (covering her montrals) "This is a sacred chamber!"
Kit Fisto: (grinning) "I fail to see the problem."
Ezra: (demonstrating with hand motions) *"Imagine—a stressed Jedi, burdened by the weight of the galaxy. One gentle Force nudge later, and—BOOM! Instant, mind-shattering release. No awkward temple hookups. No repressed emotions. Just pure, unadulterated bliss."
Yoda: (horrified) "Degenerate, this is!"
Mace Windu: (standing abruptly) "He's too dangerous (for men) to be left alive!"
Ezra: (undeterred) "Think of the practical applications! Interrogation? Just crank up their libido until they spill secrets to avoid the tension. Peace negotiations? Everyone leaves too satisfied to argue. Sith Lords? One well-placed pleasure wave and boom—no more Emperor, just a very confused old man in a bathrobe."
Aayla Secura: (grabbing Ezra's ear) "WE ARE LEAVING."
Ezra: (being dragged out) "WAIT! I HAVEN'T EXPLAINED THE GROUP MEDITATION TECHNIQUE YET—"
Door slams. The Council sits in stunned silence.
Plo Koon: (leaning forward) "…Hypothetically. How does the group technique work?"
Yoda: (bonks him with gimer stick) "NO."
Ki-Adi-Mundi: (stroking chin) "Though… if applied responsibly…"
Obi-Wan: (already halfway through his flask) "I'm retiring."
Mace Windu: (pouring himself a glass) "We're all retiring."
Cut to Ezra later, scribbling furiously in the Archives.
Ezra: (muttering) *"Fine. If the Council won't embrace progress, I'll take this to the Sith. At least they appreciate innovation."
(Bonus Scene: Anakin Skywalker bursting into the Council chambers mid-meeting, pointing at Ezra.)
[The Council Chambers, Five Minutes Earlier]
Anakin Skywalker: (bursting through the doors, wild-eyed) "WHY WASN'T I TOLD ABOUT THIS?!"
Mace Windu: (deadpan) "Skywalker. You are on this Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master. And this?" (gestures to Ezra's notes) "This is Master-level technique. Hell, this is Master-Baiter-level technique."
Anakin: (voice cracking) "I COULD'VE SAVED MY MARRIAGE!"
Obi-Wan: (pinching the bridge of his nose) "Anakin, no."
Anakin: "ANAKIN YES!" (turning to Ezra) "Teach me. Right now."
Ezra: (grinning) "Step one: Locate the midi-chlorians in the—"
Yoda: (force-yeeting Ezra out the window with a gimer stick) "NO."
Mace Windu: (watching Ezra tumble into the Coruscant skyline) "…Actually, maybe we should have told him."
Ki-Adi-Mundi: (nodding solemnly) "It would have prevented… a lot."
Plo Koon: (muttering) "I still want the holocron."
[HOLONET LIVE STREAM COMMENT SECTION]
🔥 @Jedi4Life: "This is why the Order fell."
💀 @SithLordThirstTrap: "SIGN ME UP FOR THE DARK SIDE HOLO-NET SEMINAR."
🤣 @MaceWinduFan69: "Mace was right. Execute Order 'Nut Crusher.'"
⚡ @PalpatineOfficial: "I would like to personally fund your research."
🤫 @NotASithSpy: "Asking for a friend… where's the instructional holocron?"
🚀 @EzraTheHornyArchivist: "SEQUEL WHEN?! THE PEOPLE DEMAND EROTIC FORCE TECHNIQUES 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO."
[END TRANSMISSION]
___
[Few Hours Later]
The Chancellor's office was all soft lighting and sinister shadows, the perfect setting for a Sith Lord's casual evil scheming. Palpatine sat behind his desk, fingers steepled, looking at the small, disturbingly confident child seated across from him with polite interest.
Palpatine: "You wished to speak with me, young one?"
Ezra (nodding sagely): "Yes, Chancellor. I come bearing ancient wisdom. Tell me… have you heard the tale of Darth Pleasuris the Wise?"
Palpatine's eyebrows lifted. A fellow scholar of the Dark Side?
Palpatine (leaning forward, voice dripping with gravitas): "Ah, Darth Plagueis the Wise. A Sith legend. He was so powerful and so wise, he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create—"
Ezra (cutting him off with a wave): "No, no, no. Not Plagueis. Pleasuris. Different guy. Cousin-brothers, actually. Same lineage, very different career paths."
Palpatine blinked. "…I beg your pardon?"
Ezra (gesturing dramatically): *"Darth Pleasuris the Wet. The Thirsty. The Unrelentingly Horny. He could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians… to create orgasms."
Silence.
Palpatine's face cycled through several emotions—confusion, intrigue, a brief flicker of oh no, this child is onto something.
Ezra (nodding solemnly): "It's not a story the Jedi would tell you."
Palpatine (slowly): "…Go on."
Ezra (leaning in, conspiratorial): "Darth Pleasuris was so powerful, he could make entire systems clench with a single thought. His enemies didn't just die—they finished, screaming his name in ecstasy before collapsing into shuddering heaps. He once ended a planetary blockade by Force-amplifying the entire Hutt Cartel into simultaneous, debilitating climaxes."
Palpatine's fingers twitched. "That's… disturbingly effective."
Ezra: "Right?! And the best part? No messy lightsaber battles. No collateral damage. Just pure, unadulterated victory via dopamine overload."
Palpatine stroked his chin. "Fascinating. And… hypothetically… could this technique be… refined?"
Ezra (grinning): "Oh, absolutely. Imagine—instead of Order 66, you just hit every Jedi with a galaxy-wide Force orgasm. They'd be too busy recovering to stop you."
Palpatine's eyes gleamed. "You're a visionary, my boy."
Ezra (modestly): "I try."
Palpatine (suddenly serious): "Tell me. Would you be interested in an… apprenticeship?"
Ezra (shaking his head): "Sorry, Chancellor. I'm more of a freelance pleasure consultant. But I do offer premium holocron tutorials. First lesson's free—wanna test it on the Senate?"
Palpatine considered it. Then, very slowly, he smiled.
Palpatine: "…Make it the Trade Federation, and you have a deal."
[Cut to: The Jedi Temple]
Mace Windu (suddenly shuddering): "I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in pleasure… and then were very confused."
Yoda (grimacing): "Ezra Bridger, this is. Find him, we must. Stop him, immediately."
Obi-Wan (already packing): "I'll get the restraining cuffs. The heavy ones."
[Comment Section Reactions]
🔥 @SithSugarDaddy: "Palpatine's face when he realized he could've nutted his way to victory is everything."
💀 @JediHoeOrder66: "This is how the Sith actually won. Change my mind."
🤣 @DarthThicc: "Darth Pleasuris' holocron is just 24/7 ASMR moaning."
😳 @AaylaSecuraSimp: "Aayla finds out about this and immediately defects to the Dark Side."
🍿 @MaceWindu'sHairline: "Mace is this close to inventing Force Blue Balls just to counter Ezra."
⚡ @PalpsPleasurePalace: "Sidious out here taking notes like 'DELETE HISTORY AFTER READING.'"
🚀 @EzraTheHornySithLord: "SEQUEL WHEN? DARTH PLEASURIS VS. THE TWILEK DANCERS OF RYLOTH."
[END TRANSMISSION]