May 29, 2244
Hey! I don't know if this is how you start these things, but here we go.
Luce told me just to write.
So here I am. We'll see where we land.
After some thought about what this journal will even be, I think I'll address it to my parents. Makes it easier. Feels less… stupid.
So here we go.
Hey Mom.
Hey Dad.
I miss you both. So much. It's been seven years since I lost you, Mom. And… I think four days since I lost you, Dad. Hard to tell anymore. Feels like forever already.
I rarely sleep. When I do, it's not good.
I met your old gang. Bobo, Luce, Ryosuke, and Amelia.
She's interesting. Thought she was Nadia at first… long story. It was a whole thing.
We just broke out Amelia and Ryosuke from Jöten.
It was insane. Fire, metal, screaming—like every story Bobo used to tell me about "the old days." Except this time it was me in it. And I broke my ribs. (Not fun, by the way.)
Well… I guess I'll stop here for tonight. Don't really know how to end one of these.
Goodnight.
May 30, 2244
Sorry for cutting you off like that, guys.
Bobo barged in yesterday, said he forgot something in Luce's pod.
Oh yeah—forgot to mention—I'm staying in Luce's pod. It's here in the HQ underground silo. Kind of… beautiful in its own way. Feels weird to say that about a place so hidden and dark, but it has life. There's light, people, noise. It feels like more than just survival.
Today I plan on still resting. My ribs are wrecked. This doctor came in (never got his name). He poked around for two seconds and then told me they were, in his words, "complete shit." So yeah. Not fun.
Didn't have a dream last night, which was a relief. Felt like I got real rest for the first time since… everything.
I've been staying here at Luce's pod. She's been feeding me. She's surprisingly kind. Strict sometimes, like she has to be—like she doesn't want anyone to see past the armor—but when it's just me and her, she lets it down a little. I don't think she does that often.
I haven't seen the other three lately. I think they're all busy patching themselves up. They were messed up bad too.
I keep touching Mom's necklace when I write. Helps me feel like you're both still here. Like you're reading this with me.
June 3, 2244
Sorry I haven't written in a while. Been busy. My ribs are keeping me down, but I still find ways to wander. (Luce says I shouldn't. But I do anyway.)
I walked through the markets on the lower levels. Apparently we're on Level 127 or something. (Told you guys this place is HUGEEEEE—but you already knew that, huh?)
I saw Bobo in the square plaza thing, and we chatted. He showed me around, introduced me to people.
(I suck at names. Always have.)
He told them I was your kid.
I can tell you guys had an impact here. People still remember you like shadows that haven't left. It's weird, walking in a place where your ghosts are louder than I am.
I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry.
I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry.
(That's all I could write for a while. Just those words. Over and over. Felt like they were spilling out of me, and if I stopped, I'd choke.)
June 6, 2244
It's 3 a.m. right now, I think. I woke up in the middle of the night.
Remember those dreams I told you about?
Well… they're back.
I had one of you, Mom.
That night I couldn't sleep because of the thunder. You walked me out of the apartment and took me to the roof.
I was six maybe.
And you held me in your arms and said: "Look, it can't hurt you."
It was a good dream. For once.
You were always so kind.
Then he appeared again.
Payne.
And he killed you. Then fire, and then—
Actually, I don't feel like writing that. Not right now.
I'm going to go for a walk. Luce is still sleeping.
I'm on the couch.
Hope she doesn't notice.
June 10, 2244
Hey! I'm back.
I'm currently about to eat dinner with Luce. She's looking at me. She's coming closer.
"Hey guys. Miss ya. Love ya."
That was Luce by the way, up there. She wanted to say hi.
Don't tell her this but her cooking is quite shit.
But food's food.
Today was… well, eventful.
A new package came in.
Linnium.
Bobo mentioned it back in the slums. Apparently it's this element that can be used for medicines. They have some skilled chemists here so they gave me some.
It's been working. My ribs hurt less. It's odd, like the pain doesn't belong to me anymore. But it does. I still feel it, just… softer.
Right after that Amelia dropped by. Didn't know I was here. Luce was out for the day (helping fix a docking port).
So it was just me and her for a couple minutes until Luce came back.
It was… well, awkward. She's still mad at me. Not sure why.
Well, I do know why. But I don't feel like addressing it. Not fully.
She blames me for what happened to you, Dad.
But she's not wrong. It is my fault. Luce tells me otherwise. She says there was nothing I could've done, that it wasn't on me.
We talk often. She gets me. She reminds me of you, Mom. Not in her face or her voice, but in the way she doesn't let me drown even when I want to.
June 13, 2244
Hey…
So I just saw something awful. Went out to get some more of that Linnium stuff from Doctor Whatever…
I came back to Luce's pod and saw her and Bobo…
You can see what I mean.
It was GROSS.
He's only got one arm still. Don't know how he was doing it. Some kind of circus act.
Then I saw his, what he called, "Mockingjay."
I almost threw up.
No man should be that hairy, or that muscular, or that old. It's like his body can't pick a lane.
Seeing Luce in that moment was too much.
She's… really beautiful.
But still—god, it was gross regardless.
Don't know why I shared that with you guys. I almost erased it, but thought, nah… they need to suffer with me too!!!
(Just joking. Love you guys.)
June 16, 2244
Luce sent me on a mission today. First real one. She finally got most of what she needed to fix Bobo and Ryosuke's arms.
I still barely see Ryosuke. He's… the most interesting, mysterious person I've ever met.
When we talk, he's nice. Stern. Kinda scary, but kind underneath it. He's very wise. Gives me advice without even realizing it.
I can tell he's gone through things. Heavy things. He has the same look in his eyes that I see in the mirror.
Anyway—mission. I had to go to the upper lower levels.
(Don't ask me how that makes sense. Level 90 or something. Numbers aren't my thing. Sorry, Mom. Never got better at that.)
I went to this guy named Ricky. Weird dude. Lanky and skinny, like he might snap in half if I sneezed near him. But he had what I needed.
I brought the parts back to Luce and she started working on Bobo's arm. She's really, really smart. Great with mechanical stuff. She makes it look easy.
Maybe she can fix H.E.L.P.
I miss the guy. Having him in my ear. His voice. His calm.
I'll fix him for you, Dad. I swear.
I know you made him just for me.
June 20, 2244
Today was heavy.
They have this thing here called the Ceremony of Loss.
They held it for all the Defectors who died in Jöten.
Elliot's family came. I met them.
His wife, Marlene, and his two kids. They were young.
The little girl… she was the same age I was when you passed, Mom.
I could see it in her eyes. That look. That hollow space people carry after something like that. She was like me.
I felt protective over her somehow.
I sat with her. Talked to her. Tried to comfort her.
Her name is Angelica.
Elliot's family decided to move back here. Marlene says she wants to fight again.
I don't blame her.
The Ceremony itself… was oddly sweet.
Everyone brings something that reminds them of the person they lost, and they burn it to ash. Then, one by one, they pour it over the edge of the silo. Into the sinkhole abyss.
After that, they sing songs and throw this party-like thing. Like a celebration. Of life. Of loss. Of moving forward.
I got asked by several people if I'd be okay with them throwing one for you, Dad.
I said I'd think about it.
But I'm not ready to let you go yet. Not like that.
I'll get there. Maybe.
I'm gonna hit the hay.
Goodnight.
Love you both.
June 23, 2244
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
It's 4 a.m. (I think). My chest feels like it's splitting open. My ribs ache, yeah, but it's not that. It's in my head.
I dreamed again.
You were there, Mom. You were smiling. I could smell the soap you used. The lavender one. You hugged me. I swear I felt it. I woke up and my arms were empty.
I hate it. I hate waking up.
Then Dad—you were there too. But Payne was behind you. Always him. Always him. He opens his mouth and all I hear is fire. Fire and screaming. Then I wake up gasping.
I don't want to sleep again. Ever.
I don't want to write either. But I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I'm drowning down here. Even surrounded by people, I feel like the walls are pressing in. Like I'll suffocate.
I'm sorry. I don't want you both to see me like this. But I don't know where else to put it.
June 24, 2244
I found a bottle today. Whiskey. Stole it. (Don't be mad, Dad.)
It burns like hell but it helps. A little. Not much.
Luce asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine. I lied. She looked at me like she knew. Like she wanted to press it, but didn't.
I don't want her to see me broken. I don't want anyone to see me broken.
So I write it here. To you. Only you.
I miss you. I miss you so much it makes me sick.
Sometimes I think if I just—if I just stopped fighting—if I just let go—I'd get to see you again.
But then I think of Luce. Of Angelica. Of Bobo and Ryosuke even Amelia. And I stop myself.
I hate myself for even thinking it.
June 27, 2244
My hands are shaking. Pen almost slipped.
I cut myself earlier on accident. Not deep. Just a scratch on my arm while messing with Luce's tools. But when I saw the blood, I froze.
Because for a second, I didn't want it to stop.
I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe so I don't do it again.
I'm scared of myself.
Luce is knocking on the door. Says dinner's ready. I'll go. I'll smile. I'll pretend.
But when I come back here, I'll still be me.
I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, Dad.
I love you.
June 25, 2244
It's been a month, Dad.
A month without your voice. Without your hand on my shoulder. Without you.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I'm sorry.
The days feel heavier now. I keep thinking if I don't write, you'll fade even faster. Like maybe this pen is the only thing keeping you alive for me.
I get these thoughts. Dark ones. Sharp ones. Sometimes I want to scream until my ribs split open. Sometimes I want to hit something, just to feel it. Sometimes I just sit and let the guilt eat me.
Luce and Bobo try to pull me out of it. They hang around, laugh with me, drag me to meals. I let them. I smile when they do. But when they're gone it's just me, and the silence, and you both missing from it.
That's when it gets bad.
I cry when I'm alone. Always when I'm alone. I hate myself for it. I try to be strong but I can't. Not yet.
And every night, the same face. Payne. Always Payne. I swear I can feel him in the room sometimes, like a shadow behind me. Watching. Mocking.
I hate him.
I hate him.
I'll kill him. I promise you both that. I'll put him in the ground for what he took. For what he burned. For what he made of me.
Maybe then the dreams will stop. Maybe then I'll stop being haunted.
I just want the dreams to stop.
That's all.
I'll try again tomorrow. I'll try to be stronger for you two.
Goodnight.
I love you, Mom. I love you, Dad.
So much.