I can't remember the last time I ate or drank water. Nor can I remember how long it's been since I left this bed.
This feeling I have these thoughts that race through my mind they won't go away.
'I don't deserve to eat.'
'I don't deserve to drink.'
'I don't deserve to leave this bed.'
'I don't deserve to live this life.'
My room is dark I think the light bill is past due I can't remember. But I don't need power I don't deserve power.
I hear my phone vibrate on the night stand next to my bed.
It's my mother.
I debate whether or not to pick it up but I don't want to worry her so I let it go to voice mail. Her calls used to be more frequent but now its every once in awhile.
It's for the best the more I slip from her mind the less she will worry.
A tinge of sadness welled up inside me with this notion but I immediately suppressed it. I don't deserve to show emotion.
I hear the battery operated clock tic above the head board of my bed. It's a very annoying sound it keeps me awake. But I deserve the exhaustion it comes with. So I learn to tolerate it.
I don't know why I hate myself so much I've never hurt anyone never even broken the law. Just one day I figured all the things my stepfather and bullies said about me were true. And I can't shake that no matter how hard I try. so I just learnt to accept it and I do what my stepfather always told me to do growing up.
"Get lost boy and never show yourself you pathetic freak. you don't deserve anything in life"
These words are what I hear every time when I finally have the resolve to move or do something. Then I lay back down.
My mother is still married to that man they are in love. So I figure she feels the same way about me. I could be wrong but that's not what my mind keeps repeating over and over.
'She hates you just like him' over and over.
I don't know what time or day it is anymore I just want it to end. So I close my eyes hoping they won't open ever again.
Tic Tok.
Tic Tok.
Tic Tok.
The clock echoes through the dark room. And then it stops. For a few seconds all I can hear is silence and it's bliss. The silence didn't last very long though at first it was faint but I could hear it.
Knock!
Knock!
Knock!
I pretend I cannot hear it. I assume it's the landlord reminding me about rent next week but I hope I'll be dead before then. So I ignore it all together.
Usually the knock stops after the third but it kept going and getting louder with time. I try to muster the strength to speak but I can't I'm to weak. I'm on the verge of death after all.
"Please open the door Kiyoshi" a soft but worrying sad voice echoed throughout the empty dark room.
Her voice the way she said my name I knew exactly who that was. It was my mother.
I wanted to run to the door and give her a hug but I couldn't. I was to weak and most of all I didn't deserve to be loved by her.
"Please Kiyoshi!" Her voice was now filled with sadness. I could tell she was crying I know what she sounds like when she cries.
Why this is not what I wanted. This is the opposite. She shouldn't be worried I didn't tell her how I felt.
I needed to reassure her I needed to let her know I was ok. Well convince her of that.
I used all my strength to sit up on my bed. Pain reverberated throughout my body. It was like I did a full body work out for 10 hours straight. It didn't matter though it was my punishment for making her cry. I had to let her know I was ok. Even if it was nothing but a lie.
Fighting through the excruciating pain I managed to stand up. Barely. I felt as if I was a walking skeleton.
I tried to speak to my mother to let her know I was coming but nothing came out. "…"
"Kiyoshi!!! Please!" Her voice became panicked along with horror and sadness.
I took a step forward from my bed I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to stop her from worrying.
My knees instantly buckled.
Thud!!!
Darkness surrounded me.
"No!!" "No!!!" "No!!!!"
I yelled as floated in nothingness I wanted to die but why now.
Tears welled in my eyes I could feel this urge to let it out. All the pain. All the suffering. So I did.
I let out a loud cry tears flowed down I could even feel them on my chest.
Everyone says crying makes it better but it didn't. In the moment maybe but afterwards your all alone in your thoughts yet again.