There are very few places in the Pokémon world that terrify me.
Victory Road? Please. I walk through that place like it's a scenic hiking trail.
Mount Coronet? Only scary if you're a low-level Zubat or allergic to dramatic music.
But the Battle Frontier?
That place? That place is a nightmare wrapped in an RNG burrito.
Because the Battle Frontier doesn't care who you are. Champion? Too bad. You'll get steamrolled by a Quick Claw Exploding Wobbuffet with a top hat and no mercy.
So obviously, I thought: Yeah, this is the perfect place to relax.
Because I'm smart like that.
Arrival: Please Do Not Panic (Yet)
We landed at the Battle Frontier — Hoenn version, complete with spinning sculptures, intimidating buildings, and NPCs who look like they haven't blinked since 2005.
Amber was already writing things on her clipboard, muttering "system instability potential: 85%."
Karen was excited. Tax Fraud was already pickpocketing vending machines. Midnight Daddy? Just brooding silently while looking at the Battle Tower like he was going to destroy it in a cutscene.
I, being the responsible self-insert, walked up to the main kiosk and was greeted by a cheerful Frontier receptionist.
"Hello! Welcome to the Battle Frontier!" she said brightly. "Would you like to register a battle team?"
"Sure," I said, opening my system menu.
And that's when the world glitched again.
Oops: All Facilities Activated
See, normally, you pick one building. Tower, Factory, Dome, Pike, etc.
What I did was scroll too fast and accidentally checked the box marked:
Enable All Simultaneous Frontier Facilities [Developer Test Mode]
Immediately, the receptionist's smile froze.
The screen flickered.
A siren I didn't know existed in the Pokémon world started blaring.
[ALERT: MULTI-FRONTIER BATTLE SIMULATION INITIATED][WARNING: THIS FEATURE IS NOT INTENDED FOR MORTAL USE]
Amber looked up and whispered, "You absolute madman."
Suddenly, we were surrounded.
Spencer from the Battle Palace rode in on a Pelipper like it was a war bird.
Noland of the Battle Factory dropped from a hovering Metagross with dual goggles and rage in his eyes.
Anabel floated down from the sky with her glowing Latios like she was Sailor Moon's older, meaner cousin.
Even Greta from the Battle Arena showed up. With a chair. She didn't even have a Pokémon. Just a folding chair.
The final boss music from every generation started playing at the same time.
"He's Cheating!" – Everyone, Probably
"I didn't mean to start this!" I yelled, holding up my hands.
"That's what all cheaters say!" Noland growled, pointing at my team. "I saw your Umbreon block a Hyper Beam with a smirk!"
"He always smirks!" I shouted back. "It's just his face!"
Midnight Daddy stood beside me, tail flicking like a predator waiting to be unleashed.
Karen was floating around Greta, trying to trade her a friendship bracelet in exchange for not being hit with the chair.
Tax Fraud was busy trying to reprogram the vending machine into a TM dispenser.
Chadlax… had disappeared.
Which was weird, because you'd think a 1,200-pound sentient food mountain would be hard to miss.
But that's when the announcement came:
[Battle Factory] — NEW BATTLE BRAIN DETECTED[Factory Override: Chadlax has been promoted to Facility Boss]
Cut to: Battle Factory
Noland burst through the doors of his own facility… only to find Chadlax sitting in his seat.
Asleep.
With his foot on a control panel. Somehow rerouting every rental Pokémon into shiny EV-trained monsters with illegal movesets like Explosion + Softboiled and Spore + U-turn.
"GET OUT OF MY FACTORY!" Noland screamed.
Chadlax didn't move.
Then he farted and changed the type of all rental Pokémon to "Snack."
Meanwhile, Back Outside
I tried diplomacy.
"Look," I said, hands raised. "I'm just a dude who fell into a save file with god-tier Pokémon. I'm not cheating—this is technically lore-compliant."
Anabel narrowed her eyes. "Then explain why your Umbreon has two signature moves, a Z-Move slot, a Mega Stone, and the ability 'No U'."
Midnight Daddy purred menacingly.
Amber added helpfully, "He broke the balance patch system by accident. He's not malicious, just dangerously unqualified."
Anabel blinked. "That's worse."
"Yeah, that tracks."
The Frontier Brain Battle Royale
Then the true chaos began.
All six Battle Brains activated their ace teams. Pokémon started teleporting in from thin air. The sky turned into a health bar. The ground began cracking under the weight of competitive tension.
Greta tried to hit Karen with a chair.
Karen responded by Mega Evolving, despite not being able to.
"She doesn't even have a Mega Stone!" someone shouted.
"She is the stone," Amber said, terrified and fascinated.
Brandon from the Battle Pyramid summoned a Regigigas, screaming, "LET HIM COOK!"
Midnight Daddy leapt forward to challenge it.
He didn't use a move.
He just looked at Regigigas.
And Regigigas… flinched.
Me? I Did Something Dumb Again
Trying to fix things, I opened my menu again.
Big mistake.
Instead of deactivating the battle, I clicked:
[Auto-Link All Battle Facilities: TRUE][Enable Wi-Fi Ghost Save Mode]
Amber gasped. "You just allowed an outside player to connect—"
Suddenly, the sky glitched.
A rift opened.
And another player avatar dropped into the middle of the Battle Frontier.
But it wasn't Red.
No red cap. No silent fury.
This player had a trench coat.
A shiny Charizard.
And a username hovering above their head:
"Player_Three.exe"
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