After showcasing every inch of my castle, I found myself in an awkward spot. Once there are no more doors to open or walls to gesture at dramatically, you're left standing there with nothing else to point to.
"Well," I said, rubbing the back of my neck, "that wraps up the tour. Feel free to shower me with praise, gifts, or any other offerings you might have. By the way, I'm craving baked potato chips... if you even know what those are."
"Potato? In my mind, that word is linked to camotli, but I have a feeling we're talking about two different things."
"...That's not the word I expected you to stumble over."
Cacophony placed her right hand on her hip, a big grin spreading across her face. "Now that the tour is over, let's move on to the more exciting part." Her tone was mild, but I could hear her growing enthusiasm. "Let us do that 'showering' you mentioned earlier!"
I knew she was excited, but this is more than I thought. Can't blame her — after centuries without a proper bath, who wouldn't be eager?
I smiled and nodded. "We're already in the bathroom, so go ahead and try. Once you take off your clothes and get in, turn on the water like you did with the faucet. That starts the tub water, but you'll need to pull out the small diverter to use the showerhead." I pointed to the white bar of soap in the tub and the cloth beside it. "Then, just use the soap and washcloth, after you soap yourself up, rinse your body off with the water. Nothing too complex."
Having explained everything in such thorough detail, I felt my self-satisfaction deepen greatly. "Take your time. I'll wait for you in the living room."
I then stepped toward the door. Just as I was about to go through, a hand grabbed my wrist. I looked back to see Cacophony holding me, her grin now even more enthusiastic.
"You must not have heard me. I distinctly used the term 'us' when I spoke."
I shifted uncomfortably.
"Us?" I repeated, my voice coming out about three octaves higher than intended. "As in... collectively? A thing one and thing two, team effort? A classic sword and shield combination?"
Cacophony's eyes gleamed with delight. Despite not understanding what I'd said, she was undeterred. "What I'm saying is that we should shower together. Is that not the custom in this age?"
I gently pried her hand from my wrist, removing one finger at a time until I was freed. I did my best to maintain the air of a dignified ruler explaining an important law to an ignorant subject. "Ah. I see the misunderstanding. You see, in modern times, showering is a more solo adventure. As in, totally private, not to be shared between two people. A ritual of self-refinement done in solitude. Two people doing it together? That's the kind of blasphemy they used to outlaw back when people still cared about modesty."
The corners of Cacophony's mouth curved as her grin grew mischievous. "So it's forbidden... Veri, why are your hands shaking so much?"
"Sh-Shaking? What could you possibly mean?" I quickly placed my hands behind my back.
I took a careful step back, suddenly becoming aware of Cacophony's outfit once again.
'Just a white dress shirt...'
For a heartbeat, she didn't move. Then she laughed—soft and melodic, but with a note of mischief that made my spine feel uncomfortably warm. "Very well, I'll respect your customs. I must say, it's good to know that bathing customs haven't changed much since my time."
Haven't changed much? Does that mean that even during her time, bathing was thought to be a private affair and not a public one? So then, why was she asking me to shower with her?
Cacophony reached down and twisted the knob for the tub. Water gushed downward. She spared me one final glance and winked. "Mixed into your thoughts, I think I see a hint of disappointment."
'How terrible. She was teasing me this whole time.'
"Like you could read the thoughts of a Dark King," I said, already halfway through the door. "Take your time. Hours, even. I'll be in the living room. The towel is right over there... Please be dressed when you get out."
Stepping out, I closed the door behind me. Her quiet laughter followed me as I retreated. Through the closed door, I could hear the rustling of cloth as she took off the white dress shirt and the faint taps as she stepped into the bathtub. Then the swift sounds of the shower curtain being drawn, the rain-like downpour as she pulled the diverter and turned on the showerhead.
As I listened through the door, I had to stop myself from letting my imagination wander. I slumped against the wall beside the bathroom, exhaling a long, tired breath. "Today was the first morning of the rest of my life."
That was how it felt at least, and I had no way of arguing with that assessment.
I, someone who has hardly ever had another human being in their home, was thrust into an unthinkable situation. I'm suddenly expected to house and feed a strange nonhuman woman I'd met only the day before.
In such a short span, she'd saved my life, guided me through madness, and even treated me with a kind of unearned respect. Without her, I'd likely be a corpse rotting beneath the ruins of that subspace. No, there wouldn't even be a corpse, my soul would've been eaten, and I'd have been one of the Vanished.
From what I could see, she was kind, considerate, soft-spoken, and thoughtful. Things would be great if I could leave it at this, but my positive impression was shattered when factoring in other pieces of information. The main one is her end goal, what she has been striving for since the moment she was freed from the black coffin.
She didn't hide her intentions; she spoke with clarity as she spoke of reclaiming her throne. Her very purpose for living was to retake her lands, her empire, and ultimately, her crown. She didn't say it directly, but I'd assessed her goal.
In short, she wished to conquer the entire world.
The sound of running water filled the air, steady and calm, but my thoughts weren't nearly so.
As I thought about her goal, every thought seemed worse than the last. The potential bloodshed of such a large-scale takeover was unimaginable. That was before you brought in the idea of vampires, ghosts, and whatever other supernatural phenomena that could be used in the battle.
And what did that make me? I've gone past the point of being an innocent bystander. If I house and shelter her as she grows more powerful, then all the terrible things that come after would be my fault. I wouldn't be a witness to the rebirth of a conqueror; I'd be her closest, most trusted accomplice. An indispensable, invaluable part of the equation.
I lay my head back against the wall, a surge of conflicting emotions pulsing in my chest. "Servant of the Vampire Empress..."
When Cacophony looked at me and declared me to be her servant, what was it that she saw anyway? I don't really get any of it.
The truth was, I wasn't a great judge of character. I never have been. My social life was limited to shopkeepers, passing neighbors, and my own imagination. Real people were layered, complex, and messy. For someone who had limited experience, trying to navigate it was impossible.
Understanding a centuries-old vampire was a monumental task for someone like me.
And yet, I couldn't deny it. I wanted to see more of the world I'd always believed was beyond reach, and of the woman who'd torn that veil open. The alternative, to put an end to all of this, left a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Everything that happens from now on is going to be my fault..."
I made an easy decision.
I wouldn't decide at all and allow myself to fall deeper into this life. I'd put off all serious action and continue dancing to the Empress's whims.
***
Around twenty minutes later, Cacophony walked out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. Steam drifted lazily out from behind her as the door opened, carrying with it the faint scent of soap and something sweet. Cacophony stepped into the hallway barefoot, strands of damp crimson hair clinging to her cheeks. She was dressed in the same white dress shirt that she'd gone in with. She would prefer to change into something else, but she hadn't prepared anything before entering.
'That would normally be a servant's duty.' She thought. It wasn't meant as a slight toward Veri; it was only a casual observation.
As she stepped forward, an unfamiliar scent met her nostrils.
"Oh? What's that aroma?"
Despite being unfamiliar, the scent was undoubtedly enticing.
Due to the layout of my house, Cacophony could see the source of the enticing smell from where she was standing.
In the kitchen, I stood over the stove with a spatula in hand, poking at a pan of scrambled eggs. This was my first meal with the Empress, so I did my best to make it something halfway decent. I'd thrown together my own blend of spices and vegetables to heighten the simple dish.
'Eggs, of course, seasoned with salt, black pepper, garlic powder, and onion powder. Along with the eggs, I've mixed in minced onions and dried dill weed to enhance the texture, crunch, and overall flavor. Both the eggs and onions were cooked in a pan over medium heat with golden unsalted butter. I'm not sure what the flavor profiles of her ancient civilization were, so in case she enjoys her food with some kick, I'll place my hot sauce on the table. I should have at least half a bottle left; I don't enjoy spicy food, after all.'
The soft hiss of butter meeting heat filled the room, joined by the rhythmic ding of my oven's alarm.
'Looks like that's done as well.'
I turned off the stove and grabbed the old oven mitt hanging from a hook by the counter. The fabric was frayed and thin enough that heat still seeped through as I pulled open the oven door. Inside sat a small tray lined with foil, where thin, unevenly cut slices of potato were browning along the edges.
"Behold," I said under my breath, "baked potato chips!"
The process was simple. I started by scrubbing two small potatoes under the sink, slicing them into thin, uneven rounds with my kitchen knife. Each slice was patted dry with a paper towel before I tossed them into a small bowl with a drizzle of oil and a pinch of salt. I didn't have fancy sea salt or olive oil, of course—just the cheapest canola oil I could find at the corner store and sea salt that I made myself by evaporating seawater. I should also note that the eggs were made with the same homemade salt. I spread the slices across a baking tray lined with aluminum foil, making sure they didn't overlap, and tossed them into the oven.
In only ten minutes, I got a tray full of baked goodies.
Cacophony's eyes followed the steam rising from the pan, the shimmering butter, the flecks of seasoning caught in the air. "The scent is divine," she murmured. "I have never encountered something quite like this."
I turned back, only now noticing her presence. Seeing her beautiful face, the corners of my mouth lifted upward.
"I must not have told you of my tales with the Butterina, the goddess of cookery and deliciousness. The two of us have something of a history. To her, you could say that I'm the one who got away."
Cacophony chuckled. "You'll have to let me hear those tales someday."
Walking over, she looked over my shoulder as I finished up the scrambled eggs.
"Are those cooked eggs? What kind are they? Duck or turkey?"
Faced with those two options, I had to shake my head. "Neither. They came from a not-so-magical flightless bird called the chicken. My kingly intuition is telling me that you haven't heard of them."
"I have not. For the aroma of its eggs to smell this delicious... I cannot discount the possibility that it is some kind of magical beast, even if you tell me otherwise." She tilted her head, intrigued. "And this other thing… the scent of roasted root?"
"The potatoes," I said, tapping the tray with my spatula. "A delicacy of the modern age. Technically, just sliced tubers seasoned and baked until crisp."
Her eyes sparkled with fascination, "They are very similar camotli, most likely they're related. But, I never would have thought to cook or eat them in this fashion."
The eggs were quickly finished, and I moved to turn the stove's burner off.
I plated the eggs and chips onto two ceramic plates, setting them on the small table wedged between the fridge and the window. I then went back and grabbed a pair of forks before placing them both on the table.
"Your meal, my lady," I said with mock ceremony, bowing slightly. "A dish of humble origins, crafted by your ever-loyal servant and aspiring chef."
Cacophony stepped forward, curiosity gleaming in her eyes. She sat down in a wooden chair across from me, and I did the same. She picked up her fork and looked down at it with a furrowed brow. Within five seconds, though, she found a position where it sat comfortably in her hand and became accustomed to its use.
She pressed her new utensil into the scrambled eggs and lifted a bite to her lips.
I waited, my heart a bit tense. "So, how is it?"
She ignored me, already moving on to the baked chips. She took one between her fingers, studying the golden surface before biting down. There was a loud crunch as she munched on it.
Finally, she put down her fork and looked up at me, a serious expression on her face.
"Veri... how is it that you haven't been made into some woman's husband? Is marriage off the table for you or—"
"Pffft—Ha—Ha!"
Cutting her statement short was my own laughter.
My laugh echoed through the cramped kitchen, spilling out before I could even stop it.
"I see. Then the women of this age are fools," she said, calm and sincere. "To cook such delicious dishes and yet be alone—it is a crime against common sense."
To someone who never had access to the amount of spices, ingredients, and cooking methods as we do in the modern day, I guess even eggs and chips are something extraordinary. I hadn't really considered that.
Stiffling my laughter, I tried to speak, "Well, ha-ha, maybe women are simply scared that I'll outshine them in the kitchen."
I guessed that in her time, there were more gendered roles for people, and I played into that idea.
In introspecton, cacophony put her hand to her chin. "That may be the case. A wife who is outdone by her husband in such matters may be looked down upon... Don't worry, as your Empress, I'll never feel such an emotion."
My smile grew, and I dug my fork into the eggs. Then, I took my first bite of breakfast.
I nodded to her statement. "Naturally."