Chapter 60: A Funny Thing
Ron glanced down at his palm.
So she's a C-cup, huh?
I can handle that. Definitely handle that—wait, what the hell am I thinking?
He shook his head awkwardly. No matter what, he didn't want to hurt a kind and innocent girl like Collins.
Which brought up a real problem—how to keep her from falling for him too deeply. That made tonight's dinner all the more important. He had to strike a balance: warm enough not to seem cold, but not so warm that it led her on.
As he was stressing about where to eat, his phone rang. To his surprise, it was Sheldon.
That was rare.
Even though they were biological brothers, they didn't get along well enough to call each other often. In fact, the last time Sheldon had phoned him was during that ridiculous incident when he and Leonard got their pants yanked down by Penny's psycho ex.
Feeling mischievous, Ron answered the call:
"Oh, my dear foolish brother. Let me guess why you're calling me—
Got your pants pulled down again? Or did one of your long-suffering coworkers finally snap and stuff you in a supply closet?"
"No, nothing like that. Why would you even ask?" Sheldon replied, genuinely confused.
Ron sighed dramatically. "What a shame."
Sheldon paused a beat and then snapped, "Ron! I'm telling Mom about this!"
"Alright, alright, tattletale. What do you want?"
"I was wondering… would you maybe like to have dinner with us tonight?" Sheldon's tone shifted into something almost… polite. A rare occurrence, but Ron wasn't falling for it.
He checked his calendar. April Fool's Day was long gone. So what was Sheldon up to?
"Mind telling me why? You usually avoid inviting me to dinner at all costs."
"It's because of Howard," Sheldon replied, his voice tight with frustration. "That idiot actually left with that shameless woman Penny brought over! And now we're having Chinese food tonight, but without Howard… we can't order."
Ron nearly laughed out loud.
It wasn't about needing Howard to speak Chinese, of course. It was because of Sheldon's absurd, obsessive-compulsive need for structure.
For years, Sheldon had followed a tradition: Chinese food every Saturday night, same exact dishes, always ordered for four people. Ron was honestly curious how Sheldon would react when he showed up and saw five people at the table.
"Well then," Ron grinned, "invitation accepted. Send me the address. I'll be there by 7:30 sharp."
He was careful with his wording. He said I'll be there—he never said he'd be coming alone.
Besides, there was a silver lining: the more people at dinner, the harder it'd be for things to feel romantic between him and Collins. And if Mom asked about it later, he had the perfect excuse—he was introducing Collins to the family.
Perfect.
---
As he ended the call, Collins emerged from the gym, fresh from a post-practice shower. The subtle scent of shampoo clung to her, and she confidently looped her arm through his in full view of her many envious admirers.
"Who was that on the phone?" she asked, resting her head gently against his shoulder.
"My brother. Sheldon. You might remember him from my birthday party—he was the one who wore a full astronaut suit in the middle of summer, looked like a lunatic."
Collins giggled. "Oh, that guy."
"He just invited us to dinner. What do you think about Chinese food tonight?"
"I'm good with whatever you choose," she said sweetly, giving him an affectionate smile.
Her head rested a little more fully on his shoulder.
Well, Ron thought, let's just take it one step at a time. And if it really comes down to it... maybe being a bit of a scumbag isn't the worst thing in the world?
It normally took 30 minutes to drive from Collins' school to the Chinese restaurant Sheldon had picked. But thanks to Ron's, shall we say, enthusiastic driving, they arrived in just 20.
When Sheldon saw Ron pull up with Collins clinging closely to his side, his cheerful wave froze halfway in the air. His face fell instantly. Not that Ron cared—he had no intention of indulging his brother's usual tantrums.
"Waiter, one more chair, please!" Ron called out casually as he squeezed Rajesh out of his seat and gestured politely for Collins to sit. She couldn't help but stifle a laugh behind her hand.
The three nerds—Sheldon excluded—were completely stunned.
Where did Ron pick up a stunner like that? This guy's unbelievable!
"Hi, I'm Collins Towsie. Sorry for stealing your seat," Collins said with poise, reaching out to shake Raj's hand.
Poor Raj, bless his heart, opened his mouth a few times to speak, but only managed to produce a series of breathy "ah—ah—ah" sounds. Not a single word came out.
Collins blinked in surprise and turned helplessly to Ron.
"Don't worry," Ron said, patting Raj on the shoulder. "He's not mad—he just has selective mutism. Can't talk to women unless he's had a drink. Poor guy."
Then he tugged Collins gently to sit down beside him.
"Leonard Hofstadter," Leonard said with a sheepish smile, pushing up his glasses. "Experimental physicist. Nice to meet you."
Ron rolled his eyes and smacked Leonard's outstretched hand away.
"Maybe focus on locking down your Penny before trying your luck with someone else."
"Wha—? Penny was never mine to begin with," Leonard muttered awkwardly.
Ron shot him a sharp look.
"Wanna bet? Think if I crooked a finger, Penny wouldn't show up in my bed tonight?"
Leonard immediately wilted like a scolded rooster. He knew all too well that if Ron wanted, Penny would absolutely take him up on that invitation.
Collins heard everything—and yet didn't seem upset. On the contrary, a faint blush rose to her cheeks, and she felt a little flutter of joy.
He's teasing me… is he jealous?
Ah, the blissful foolishness of a woman in love.
Girl, open your eyes. The man's clearly a player, alright?
---
"Ron! I demand an explanation!"
Finally, Sheldon decided to assert himself, his voice sharp with indignation.
"Explanation? For what?" Ron replied innocently, glancing at his watch. "I wasn't even late."
"I mean the extra person! You brought someone!"
"So?" Ron shrugged. "Did I say I was coming alone?"
He grinned as Sheldon's expression twisted like he was passing a kidney stone. This—this—was what Ron had been waiting for.
Sheldon launched into a lecture, completely serious:
"Let me explain. We always order the same dishes: one starter of steamed dumplings, followed by General Tso's chicken, beef and broccoli, Dragon Boat fish, and vegetable lo mein. Now do you see the problem?"
Ron raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, you're the problem."
He gave Collins a knowing look as if to say, See? I told you he was a walking circus. Then he propped his elbow on the table and waited for the rest of Sheldon's meltdown.
"Our entire ordering system is based on four people," Sheldon insisted, gesturing stiffly toward Collins. "Four dumplings. Four dishes. Four people. Balanced."
And now there's a fifth.
Collins finally burst into laughter.
Ron had told her on the drive over how bizarre his brother was, but she thought he was exaggerating to make her laugh.
Surely no one is really like that?
And yet… here she was. Witnessing it firsthand.