"We have a total of 36 rooms in the hotel. I know it's not much, but you have to start small!" Charlie struck a "power" pose: chin held high, index finger pointing, and eyes theatrically closed. Yes, our recent tiff with her father hadn't dampened her fighting spirit one bit. She was still desperately trying to "sell" her depressive dad on the idea of the Hotel, and she did it with such enthusiasm as if the fate of the entire universe depended on it.
Oh, how she acts, the little devil, and she acts so sincerely that I almost want to believe her myself. And all this, essentially, is to smooth over the awkward conflict that arose between us. The kid just doesn't understand that things like thousand-year-old hatred and contempt aren't so easily forgiven, even if you've suddenly become a little... different. That Adam hated this little duck-lover too much, despised him too much for everything he'd done. And that hatred, though weakened, had already taken root in me, especially when I realized what this world could have been if the little snake in the hat hadn't been such an infantile idiot…
As we walked through the hotel corridors, with Charlie and Vaggie chirping away about its "attractions" and "successes," I tried to sort out my own thoughts. Vaggie, by the way, was surprisingly quiet and even friendly towards Lucifer today. Apparently, one fallen angel really wants her beloved's father not to be against their relationship, so she was trying not to be rude, as she usually is. Well, or she was just in a good mood, which the sincere smile on her face quite clearly hinted at. Well, I don't mind, on the contrary, I'm all for it.
So, as we walked, I was mulling over this whole ambiguous situation. And it was, admittedly, not the most pleasant one: in the short time I had spent in the body of an archangel, my dislike for Lucifer had managed to become not just something inspired by Adam's memories, but my own personal feeling. Emotions and feelings are all well and good, but making important decisions based on those very emotions is not very smart. It's much better to calm down first, sleep on it, and then, after waking up and coming to your senses, soberly assess whether it's worth it.
Yes, I know, it's funny to hear such "wise" words from an idiot who, because of some fleeting thoughts and emotions in his past life, wiped out almost the entire population of the planet in an attempt at revenge. But, hey, if some hopeless drug addict tells you that drugs are the worst thing that can happen to a person and that they should be avoided at all costs, then you should probably listen to him, because he's experienced firsthand what kind of shit it is. Same with me.
The bullshit I pulled in my past life doesn't mean I have to do something similar now. On the contrary, after such "dark" periods, a period of hypercompensation usually follows. In my past life, this often happened with various minorities: for centuries they were despised and barely considered human, and then, suddenly "realizing" that they were also people, they started kissing their asses and apologizing on their knees… For things they themselves didn't do and weren't guilty of… I don't think I need to explain that I fucked both the first and the second group, right? Seriously, you started considering, for example, dark-skinned people as the same kind of people as you, you repented for the sins of your ancestors, you gave them the same rights as you—what's the problem with stopping there? No, you fucking have to take everything to the point of complete absurdity! It got to the point where these gentlemen started to just riot and set fires, rob stores and kiosks, and the police who tried to stop them were showered with so much shit on the internet that it scared me. Because the "OpPrEsSoRs," you see, are doing their job and trying to stop bloodthirsty idiots… I got a bit carried away, didn't I? Sorry, it's been building up.
"...And we found almost all of Angel's drug stashes... Almost," Vaggie finished telling one of the many stories about the "exploits" of their guests, just as our friendly company stepped out onto the balcony. Yes, I think I got a little lost in my own head again, immersed in self-reflection and the problems of a DEAD world that I will most likely never return to! Okay, I'm DEFINITELY going to a therapist… Someday… For sure.
"Well, now that that's settled, it should be easier from here on out," Charlie said with optimism in her voice, smiling. Oh, this kid looks so funny in contrast to her short father, literally two heads taller than him, if not three. But oh well, we're having a "serious conversation" here, why am I getting distracted by such nonsense?
"Well… It's definitely 'something'," Lucifer said with doubt in his voice, looking around his former home, now turned into a haven for outcasts. Oh yes, I know that tone all too well: it's when your girlfriend sends you her "hot" photos, and you, looking at them, realize with horror that you're definitely going to have nightmares tonight. But she's already written something like "well, how do I look, sweetie?", and you, desperately trying not to lie and at the same time not to offend her, force out something like: "oh, very cute" or "cool." As you can imagine, it looks fucking obvious, and oh how cringey it is when you write it yourself, mmmm…
"So… heh, what do you think?" Charlie nervously spread her arms, clearly worried about what her father was about to say. She glanced at Vaggie and me, and I gave her a reassuring wink, while her personal guardian angel just smiled warmly, which seemed to help a little, and Charlie filled with a bit more determination.
"About what?" Lucifer seemed genuinely confused, looking around with a slightly detached expression.
"About the hotel," Ugh, all our efforts were in vain, the princess of Hell looked nervous and insecure again.
"Right, yes…" It finally dawned on him, and now an awkward, forced smile appeared on his face too. "It's all looking a bit more respectable, isn't it?" he said with an awkward laugh. What an idiot. No, I mean, I understand he doesn't have much experience with children, but, hey, you're older than me! That Adam, compared to you, is Father of the Year! "The railing seems a bit shaky," Luci said, leaning against said railing, clearly not knowing how to avoid the awkward topic of redemption, which he himself, by his own admission, has long considered complete bullshit. "Push hard enough, and you'll go straight down," he leaned dangerously over the railing, holding on with only one hand, "bye-bye."
"What?" Charlie breathed out in surprise, looking at how… disheveled her father was. Let's call it that, so as not to offend the feelings of the faithful. "No-no-no, about the plan, Dad," she gestured actively, trying to bring his attention back to the topic of conversation. A dreary grimace immediately appeared on the King of Hell's face. It seemed he wasn't just clowning around, but really trying to change the subject. Unsuccessfully. "The plan to help sinners with the hotel!"
"Ugh…" Lucifer sighed wearily, gathering his thoughts. "Alright, listen up…" now his voice was composed and devoid of its feigned cheerfulness. "It's good that you want to see the good in people, but these sinners… they are the worst of the worst. I don't know what to really expect from them in Heaven…" Oh yes, you bastard, first you, with your beloved Lilith, open a path for the Darkness into our world, and then you whine about how fucking bad everything is, how everyone around is bad and cruel! What an asshole. "Heaven is not as carefree as it seems. Yes, they have rules, and quite a few of them. Don't expect them to be so open to your ideas…"
"They're our people, Dad, I… I have to try…"
"Charlie, our people are disgusting! They were given free will, and look where they ended up! It's all terrible!"
"Terrible?" I couldn't help but intervene in their "family conversation." "And aren't you, by any chance, to blame for this? Huh, Lucifer? Isn't this your handiwork?"
"Adam?" He looked at me in surprise. "I don't even understand what you're doing here. You should have fucked off to your Heavens already, you're just getting in the way."
Oh, he shouldn't have said that. He really shouldn't have. I was more than willing to beat the shit out of him right now, but… not in front of Charlie. And I'm not sure I can handle him one-on-one right now, which means… It's time to turn on the "songs and dances" mode!
(The Song Battle)
Suddenly, out of nowhere, on the balcony of the Hazbin Hotel, where the Lord of Hell, an Archangel of Heaven, the Princess of the Underworld, and a former exorcist were gathered, music began to play. There were no visible instruments to play it, no musicians, but the space around them filled with a melody—upbeat, rhythmic, with heavy guitar riffs and powerful drums.
Adam, the progenitor of humanity, who became an angel after death, began to sing with a brazen, defiant smirk, perfectly in time with the music… No, the music was adapting to him, like a snake dancing to the actions of its charmer.
(Adam)
Hey, look! Your king's in tears!
Still stuck in that pathetic role for all these years?
I just had to jump in — your speech was a bore.
Why the hell's the Devil here?
Haven't you lost this war?
Behind the archangel, as if out of thin air, dark gray holograms with a bright golden outline and inscriptions appeared: "THE ORIGINAL DICK!", "10/10 GOD APPROVES!", "BIGGEST DICK IN THE UNIVERSE!".
(Adam)
I'm the badass here, I'm the alpha male,
And you, Lucifer? Just a deranged fairy tale.
This whole damn Hell is your rotten design!
You opened the door to Darkness — now own that crime.
Looming over the seemingly small Lucifer, Adam grinned predatorily, but it was noticeable that in his words there was not only mockery, but also old, bitter anger and resentment. He still didn't understand the reason for Lucifer's long-ago act, didn't understand why he gave Eve that cursed apple, and, not understanding this, he felt only contempt for him.
Lucifer pushed Adam away with his cane, his whole demeanor hinting that Adam had no place in his kingdom.
(Lucifer)
The hell, you feathered clown?
Your holy coop's way outta town!
However, no matter how much he tried to play the role of an offended monarch, at that very moment it became completely obvious to everyone present what the fallen Seraph was actually feeling: despair, a deep, ingrained shame, and even contempt. And contempt, first and foremost, for himself.
He was desperately trying to justify his long-ago mistake, even though deep down he knew perfectly well that he himself was to blame for everything. Despite the fact that the proposal itself came from Lilith, it was he who agreed with it, despite his Father's warnings, and it was he who persuaded Adam's second wife to taste the Forbidden Fruit.
(Lucifer)
I just gave them a choice, a sliver of light,
Not my fault they all fell into Night!
Trying to escape from the harsh reality and change this unpleasant topic as quickly as possible, Lucifer decided to make counter-claims against the first man.
(Lucifer)
You waltz back into my throne,
Throwing shade like you've grown —
What, you think now that you're here…
You're immortal alone?
Hearing these threats, Adam just smirked, looking at his opponent, who was beginning to blaze with Darkness, with a wicked grin.
(Adam)
Oh, you're threatening me now? (Heh.)
Sorry, old man, not my style —
But I've changed quite a bit in the past few miles.
Leveled up, bulked out, got some new flair…
You want a fight with me?
Then say your last prayer!
Releasing a dazzling aura of the purest, concentrated Light around him and thereby challenging the King of Hell, Adam, on the last line of his song, materialized a guitar-axe of pure Light in his hand and theatrically swung it right in front of Lucifer's face.
(Lucifer)
You're just loud and vain,
You don't get the game!
All you're doing here is staining Heaven's name!
Looking at Adam's actions, who, it would seem, by his very nature should be like the Seraphim themselves, Lucifer, with just one phrase, tried to point out that such threats and aggression would be normal for a demon or a sinner, but not for a holy Archangel.
(Adam)
I'm a warrior of Light, Heaven's first damn blade!
You? Just a foolish mistake Heaven made.
You wrecked your own kin, your realm fell apart —
And damn, I'm so done with your emo-ass heart!
Adam brushed off all of Lucifer's claims, simply reminding him that he is, first and foremost, a Warrior, and only then—a Saint. After which he banally pointed out Lucifer's main mistakes, making him finally lose his temper.
But at that very moment, when their battle was about to begin, something happened that none of those present expected: a cannonball flew into the Hazbin Hotel with a deafening roar, and an improvised battering ram made of a huge wooden post was already insistently pounding on the main entrance…
Yeah, I completely forgot about that, the local "musical magic" really affects the mind too much. I got distracted by the songs and almost missed the most interesting part.
I see Monsieur Lucifer looking at me with a question, as if to say: "Well, shall we stop here for now?".
I nod back to him, then calmly walk with the others into the portal he immediately creates, which leads straight to the first floor of the hotel, to the main entrance.
"What's happening?" a worried Charlie, not waiting for the others, literally ran into the portal, looking anxiously at the broken front door, which some uninvited guests were already pounding on.
"Well… I might have a little problem with a shark loan-shark…" Mimzy began embarrassedly, making Charlie and Vaggie give her a very… hurt and judgmental look, which, well, was quite obvious. "I might have borrowed fifty grand from him…"
"COME ON OUT, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" a furious, hoarse cry came from the street. Apparently, from that very loan-shark, making our little puffball squeal in fear and immediately dart behind the nearest bar counter.
An excellent time for a little retreat and another one of my boring monologues about the world order!
So, in Hell, there are exactly two truly valuable currencies: Souls and Mammon-Dollars.
The first, as you can imagine, has been in use since time immemorial, but the second appeared some time after the end of that very War with Heaven and the official ban for the Deadly Sins (and all other high-ranking demons) to make deals for souls with sinners, as well as to buy or take them. Yes, yes, the "coolest" and most powerful inhabitants of Hell are, in fact, forced to use ordinary, fucking, dollars, while all sorts of little imps, like Blitzo, can perfectly well use souls as well. When he carries out murder orders, he doesn't always get money, but often a small part of his client's soul, thereby gradually strengthening himself… True, at the same time, he spends almost all his money on all sorts of crap, like buying eels, renting ponies, and other nonsense, which, however, doesn't stop him from being one of the strongest imps in history. Yes, yes, this little horned weirdo is actually very strong for his kind, but oh well, we'll talk about that some other time.
"And maybe I also stole his car…" Mimzy thoughtfully recalled all her possible transgressions, hiding behind the bar. "And crashed it… Into the shark's girlfriend… But that bitch had it coming!"
"Yeah, sure," I muttered to myself, remembering how that "had it coming" girl was just standing there calmly, not bothering anyone, until a car, out of the kindness of someone's heart, flew into her.
At that very moment, another cannonball crashed into the hotel wall, only this time it seemed to be smeared with some flammable crap, because after breaking the window, the projectile immediately started a small fire in the living room.
"MY WINDOWS!" a heart-rending scream came from Niffty, who was watching in complete shock and horror as what she had been cleaning so long and hard was now simply burning. Poor thing.
"We're under siege!" Sir Pentious appeared out of nowhere, who, apparently, was just carrying a plate of cookies somewhere at that moment. "To cover!" after which he, deftly dodging the burning debris falling from the ceiling, ran to the side.
"Watch out!" Vaggie immediately covered everyone with her body, literally knocking the flames off a burning curtain that was hanging very close to a bewildered Charlie with her angelic spear.
"What the fuck?!" Angel Dust, in turn, showed miracles of reaction and agility, grabbing a Niffty who was frozen in shock and lifting her into his arms at the very last moment, saving the little one from burns.
"See?" Lucifer said completely calmly, paying no attention to the panic that had begun and the sinners running back and forth, addressing his daughter. "This is exactly what I was telling you, Charlie," he lazily spread his arms, pointing at all this chaos. "You build something good, you invite them, you give them everything… And in return, they only bring you cruelty and chaos."
Husk, meanwhile, was trying to put out the growing fire, beating the flames on the carpet with some rag. Sir Pentious was running around the hall, trying to catch all his panicking egg-servants, who were so scared they couldn't even hear his voice. Angel once again saved Niffty from a falling piece of debris. And at that very moment, attracted by the noise, Alastor finally emerged from the depths of the hotel. He was the one I was waiting for. It's better if he deals with this little problem, fixes his reputation, so to speak. He needs it much more than I do right now.
I discreetly nod to him towards the broken entrance. He, noticing my gesture, grins predatorily and nods back. It seems we understood each other without words.
"They don't give a damn about your good intentions," Lucifer continued his "educational" lecture, apparently not even noticing that he was only pissing off his daughter even more. "They will disappoint you anyway."
"Niffty, be careful!" Sir Pentious, just a moment before a huge piece of the ceiling, which she was just collecting, cleaning up the glass shards, fell on the little maid's head, managed to pull her out from under the blow.
"Go to a safe place, I'll handle this," Vaggie said resolutely, already preparing to charge into battle. But then the radio demon's hand gently rested on her spear.
By the way, I didn't mention it, did I? We made a small exception for Vaggie and let her keep her angelic spear for self-defense.
"No, my dear, leave this to me," Alastor said with an anticipatory smirk, and in the next second, his body began to fill with visible Darkness. "It's time to remind everyone why I'm here…" His eyes became completely black, with small, bright red disc-irises in the center, and his voice acquired those creepy, distorted radio-interference notes.
"Ah, finally!" Mimzy emerged from behind the bar, with clear irritation in her voice. "Took you long enough!"
"A reminder to everyone not to mess with the radio demon!" Well, as expected, he assumed his true, demonic form, with huge black tentacles protruding from his back, long, branching horns, and he even increased his size fivefold, becoming literally a ten- or even twelve-meter deer-monster… With tentacles, yes, on which he immediately began to impale the hapless shark-gangsters with sadistic pleasure, emerging directly from the broken wall of the hotel. "I will eat every one of you alive!"
"See what I told you?" Lucifer said calmly, paying no attention to the slaughter unfolding on the street, again addressing Charlie. "Sinners are cruel psychos, obsessed with the desire to inflict as much pain and destruction as possible. The game is clearly not worth the candle…"
"Dad, stop," Charlie finally couldn't take it anymore, her voice trembling with hurt and anger. "He's protecting the hotel!" At that very moment, Alastor LITERALLY ate one of the sharks, stuffing him whole into his toothy maw. "Maybe he went a little overboard with the sadism, but he's doing it for me!" Oh, how I would love to argue with you right now, kiddo, but a canon event is unfolding before my eyes, which is supposed to reconcile you with your idiot father, so I'm not interfering. "Why does he believe in me, but my own father doesn't?" Tears appeared in Charlie's eyes, and Lucifer, it seems, finally realized that all this time he was just mocking his daughter's dream, not trying to help or warn her in any way.
"Ooh, what drama!" Yes, yes, while Alastor was dealing with the attackers outside, the other residents of the hotel, including me, had already managed to sit down at the nearest intact table and were watching the show with interest, eating popcorn… Angel, what the fuck? Where did you even get that?!
"Oh, it's been a while since I let off some steam!" Alastor said, returning to his usual form, having finished with the last of the attackers.
"Alastor, that was simply amazing, as always, bravo!" Mimzy came out of the hotel, approaching the not-so-pleased deer. "Thanks for saving an old friend, where would I be without you…" At that moment, a piece of debris from the hotel fell a meter away from her, almost crushing the fat puffball. "Oops, sorry for the mess. I think the bug-catcher will clean it up," she said with a brazen smirk as everyone approached.
"I think it's time for you to go, Mimzy. Leave." Yep, it seems Alastor didn't like at all that his new baby (whatever he might say about the hotel) was so unceremoniously destroyed.
"Oh, Alastor, you're such a joker!" The puffball tried to turn it into a joke. "Very funny!"
"I'm serious," Alastor continued, not looking at her. "You deliberately brought danger to the hotel just so I would clean up after you. I have no need for that."
"But you like taking care of me," she came closer. "You don't really give a shit about this rundown hotel, do you?" she pointed to that very "rundown hotel." "Come on, I know you," after which she brazenly poked the deer in the chest a couple of times. "You heartless son of a bitch."
"You'll always be welcome here if you really decide to try and redeem yourself," Alastor continued to answer seriously, tapping her on the nose. "But we both know that's not really your style." He walked away from her. "So leave."
"Fine," Mimzy stomped her foot indignantly. "Who needs you? Have fun with the princess in your little hotel!" giving him the finger as a farewell, she began to walk away. "I don't give a shit!"
"Totally awesome," Angel summed up, like everyone else, watching with a smirk as they finally got rid of Mimzy.
"Dad?" Meanwhile, a noticeably saddened Lucifer after all this performance went back into the hotel, and Charlie, seeing his upset face, immediately followed him… "Just… believe in me."
And then, as expected, that very scene from the canon began, with flights, moving into a world created of pure Light, and all that… Cute… Very cute.
"I'm sorry, sweetie, I should have believed you sooner. Charlie, I love you very, very much."
"I love you too, Dad…"
Oh, their hugs… It's a shame to interrupt them, of course, but… I have my own business to attend to.
"Ahem-ahem," I coughed deliberately loudly, approaching them and knocking my knuckles on the nearest wall. "This is all, of course, very great, touching, and generally—so sweet. But I have a very important conversation to have with this little shorty, so, you don't mind if I borrow him from you for a little while, Charlie?"
"Adam?" Charlie was surprised, pulling away from her father. Lucifer, of course, was also surprised, but prudently remained silent, only giving me a displeased look. "I… don't mind, but… promise you won't start… well… something like before, okay? Please?"
"Ugh, and how can I refuse you, kiddo?" I winked at her. "Okay-okay, I won't beat up your daddy today, I promise. We'll just have a little chat about life."
"Who would be beating up whom…" Lucifer grumbled under his breath.
"Dad…" Charlie gave him a stern, disapproving look.
"Ahem, I meant: 'no violence!', right? Of course!" He immediately put on his most innocent expression and looked at me pleadingly. Well, okay, I'll play along a little.
"Yeah, yeah, 'make love not war,' of course," I gave Charlie a thumbs-up.
"You two watch it!" the princess tried to put on an aristocratic-cold expression, but it came out so comically that I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
Going into the "negotiating room," which, by the way, was just Charlie's office, but it seemed to always be used for particularly difficult conversations, we sat down at the table opposite each other.
"Well then, shall we talk?" I look at Lucifer, waiting for what he'll say.
"Let's talk…"