Kids Tell the Ugly Truth
Chapter One: "Why Can't I Sleep at Night?"
Preface
In a world where adults are always searching for answers—about love, work, money, and why their WiFi keeps going out—one group remains blissfully unfiltered: kids. They see the world as it is, not as it's supposed to be. And when it comes to life's "ugly truths," their answers are refreshingly honest, sometimes hilarious, and often surprisingly wise.
Welcome to a show where we throw out the grownup rulebook and let the kids take over. Inspired by the chaos of Cards Against Humanity, the moral dilemmas of What Would You Do?, and the classic charm of Kids Say the Darndest Things, this is where the truth comes out—loud, proud, and probably covered in cookie crumbs.
Show Introduction
[Upbeat, mischievous theme music. Studio lights up on a colorful set decorated with oversized question marks, a "Truth-O-Meter," and a giant spinning wheel labeled "Government, Humanity, Cartel, Karen/Kevin, John, Michael, Wildcard."]
Tiffany Haddish (stepping center stage, grinning):
"Hey, y'all! I'm Tiffany Haddish, and this is 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth'—the only show where grownup problems meet kid logic, and the results are always unpredictable. Here's how it works: I throw out a real-life adult scenario—something that keeps us up at night, or just makes us want to scream into a pillow. Our panel of pint-sized truth-tellers will break it down for us, choosing how they'd handle it: by the rules like the government, with heart like humanity, going rogue like the cartel, or just full-on Karen or Kevin. And if that's not enough, they can stand up like John, moonwalk out like Michael, or invent their own wild solution. Ready to hear the ugly truth? Let's roll!"
[Kids cheer, one dabs, another attempts a cartwheel.]
Scenario 1: Why Can't I Sleep at Night?
Tiffany:
"Alright, first up—a question every adult has asked themselves at least once a week: 'Why can't I sleep at night?' Is it stress? Too much caffeine? Or just existential dread? Kids, I want to know: What do adults say we're supposed to do? What do you actually see adults doing? And what would you do if you were in charge? Let's spin the wheel and see how you'd handle it!"
[Spins wheel, lands on "Government"]
Government (CAE) Responses
Kid 1:
"My mom says you're supposed to go to bed at the same time every night. No TV, no snacks, just brush your teeth and close your eyes. But she stays up watching TikToks anyway."
Kid 2:
"Adults make rules for us, but then they break them. Like, 'No phones in bed'—but my dad plays Candy Crush under the covers."
[Spins wheel, lands on "Humanity"]
Humanity (CAH) Responses
Kid 3:
"I think you should just hug your pet and talk about your feelings. Or maybe call your best friend and laugh until you fall asleep."
Kid 4:
"If you're sad, you should listen to happy music and dance around your room. That's what I do when I can't sleep."
[Spins wheel, lands on "Cartel"]
Cartel (CAR) Responses
Kid 5:
"I'd sneak into the kitchen, grab all the cookies, and eat them in bed. Then I'd probably sleep like a baby!"
Kid 6:
"If I couldn't sleep, I'd just stay up all night and build a fort. Who needs sleep when you have snacks and a flashlight?"
[Spins wheel, lands on "Karen/Kevin"]
Karen/Kevin Responses
Kid 7:
"I'd stomp around and tell everyone in the house, 'It's too noisy! I can't sleep!' Then maybe they'd all have to go to bed, too."
Kid 8:
"I'd write a note to the manager—except, I guess, that's my mom. So I'd just tell her, 'You're grounded for making too much noise.'"
[Spins wheel, lands on "John/Michael"]
John/Michael (Fight or Flight) Responses
Tiffany:
"Alright, now it's time for the big question: Are you going to 'grow a pair like John' and face your fears, or 'beat it like Michael' and get outta there?"
Kid 9:
"I'd be brave and tell my nightmares, 'Not tonight!' Like John Wick, but with a teddy bear."
Kid 10:
"I'd moonwalk right into my parents' room and sleep in their bed. Sorry, Mom!"
Wildcard Round
Tiffany:
"Wildcard! What's the weirdest thing you've ever done to fall asleep?"
Kid 11:
"I tried counting my freckles, but I kept losing track."
Kid 12:
"I made up a story about a pizza that saves the world. Then I got hungry and couldn't sleep anyway."
Tiffany's Take
Tiffany:
"See, this is why I love kids! Y'all are way more honest than any adult I know. Maybe the next time I can't sleep, I'll try building a snack fort or moonwalking to my neighbor's house. And remember, if you ever need to ground your mom, just write her a note!"
End-of-Episode Credit
Tiffany (on screen):
"Thanks for joining us for the first chapter of 'Kids Tell the Ugly Truth.' I'm Tiffany Haddish. For more laughs, life lessons, and wild solutions, visit tiffanyhaddish.com. Good night—and don't let the ugly truths bite!"