Tiffany Haddish Presents: Kids Have Amnesty…SAY…What!?
Volume One Epic Closing Roast: "Kids vs. Judgment Day—The Contradiction Olympics"
Inspired by the fearless, unfiltered, and side-splitting comedy of Tiffany Haddish.
Scene: The Contradiction Olympics—Stadium of Judgment
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first annual Contradiction Olympics! Sponsored by "Do As I Say, Not As I Do," "Because I Said So, Inc.," and the International Society of Mixed Messages. Our contestants? Kids from every walk of life, ready to roast the grown-up world and its gold-medal hypocrisy, with a side of snack crumbs and a full cup of "Are You Serious Right Now?"
Opening Ceremony: The Parade of Parental Paradoxes
"Wave to the crowd, kids! But not too enthusiastically—you'll 'draw attention.' Unless you're in a school play, then act like you love it even if you're dressed as 'Tree #3.'"
"Remember, you're supposed to 'stand out' on your college application, but 'fit in' everywhere else. Good luck with that."
"Be yourself! Unless 'yourself' is loud, weird, or asks too many questions. Then be someone else. Quietly."
Event 1: The Judgmental Gymnastics
The Vault:
"Flip over your friend's new shoes. Are they cool or 'trying too hard'? Judges: the same kids who wore light-up sneakers last year."
The Balance Beam:
"Walk the line between 'confident' and 'conceited.' Fall off? You're either 'too shy' or 'too full of yourself.'"
The Floor Routine:
"Express yourself! But not like that. Or that. Or that. Actually, just do the routine from TikTok and pray nobody laughs."
Event 2: The Fear Factor Freestyle
"Afraid of the dark? 'Grow up.' Afraid of taxes? 'Welcome to adulthood.'"
"Don't talk to strangers! Unless they're your teacher, coach, or the guy in the Santa suit at the mall."
"Don't be scared to fail, but also don't mess up. Ever. Or you'll be reminded at every family gathering until you're 40."
Event 3: The Identity Decathlon
"Pick a sport, a hobby, a college, a career—by age 12. But don't specialize too soon! Be well-rounded. Like a pizza. Or a stress ball."
"You can be anything you want! Unless it's an artist, a YouTuber, or anything that doesn't come with health insurance."
"Don't label people. But also, what's your label? Are you a jock, nerd, theater kid, or 'other'?"
Event 4: The Social Media Sprint
"Don't spend too much time online. But post those honor roll pics, or Grandma will think you failed out of school."
"Be authentic! But use this filter. And this one. And maybe Facetune your dog, just in case."
"Don't compare yourself to others. But did you see what your cousin posted? Why can't you be more like them?"
Event 5: The Friendship Fencing Finals
"Choose your friends wisely! But don't be 'cliquey.' Include everyone, but also don't hang out with the 'wrong crowd.'"
"If your friend jumps off a bridge, would you? No. But if they get a phone, you better believe you're asking for one too."
"You're too young for drama. But here's a front-row seat to every adult argument, just in case you want to take notes."
Event 6: The Academic Agility Course
"School is your job! But don't stress too much. Unless you want to get into college. Then stress a lot."
"Get straight A's, but don't be a know-it-all. Ask questions, but not too many. We're on a schedule."
"If you fail, it's the end of the world. Unless it's math. Then it's 'genetic.'"
Event 7: The Family Feud Finals
"Family comes first! Unless there's a work call, a soccer game, or a sale at Target."
"Tell us everything! But not that. Or that. Actually, just tell us what we want to hear."
"We're a team. Unless you lose the remote. Then it's every man for himself."
Event 8: The Emotional Endurance Relay
"Don't bottle up your feelings! But don't be dramatic. Or sensitive. Or angry. Or sad. Or too happy. Just… be chill."
"Boys don't cry. Girls are too emotional. Everyone else? Figure it out."
"If you need help, ask. But don't be needy. Or weak. Or a 'burden.'"
Event 9: The Contradiction Closing Ceremonies
"Be honest! Unless honesty gets you in trouble, then maybe just… be quiet."
"Don't judge people. But here's a list of everyone we're judging at dinner."
"You're too young to understand. But old enough to have an opinion on every major world issue."
The Kids' Final Roast: Judgment Day, Snack Edition
"Adults say, 'Don't sweat the small stuff,' then lose their minds over spilled juice."
"They tell us to 'dream big,' but also to 'be realistic.' So, astronaut or accountant? Can I be both if I bring snacks?"
"If you're late, you're irresponsible. If they're late, it's 'traffic.'"
"They say, 'Don't talk back,' but then ask, 'Why are you so quiet?'"
"'Because I said so' is not an answer. It's just a way to end the conversation and start the confusion."
"If you can't handle us at our weirdest, you don't deserve us at our 'honor roll assembly' best."
The Kids' Contradiction Commandments
Thou shalt not judge a kid by their hoodie, playlist, or snack choice.
Remember that every 'weird' kid is just a future adult who will make the rules.
Honor thy own feelings, even if adults call them 'too much.'
Thou shalt roast hypocrisy wherever it hides—even if it's hiding behind a 'World's Best Parent' mug.
If you can't say something nice, at least make it funny.
Don't take life too seriously—nobody gets out alive, but everyone can get a laugh on the way.
Grand Finale: The Snack Drop
"In the end, we're all just trying to make it through the day without getting judged for our shoes, our grades, our friends, or our snack choices."
"So next time you want to throw shade, try throwing a snack instead. It's way more fun, and nobody gets hurt (unless it's a frozen waffle—then duck)."
"Life's too short for contradictions. If you're going to judge, at least bring snacks for the jury."
"And remember, the only label that really matters is 'awesome.' And maybe 'hungry.'"
Special thanks to Tiffany Haddish for teaching us to laugh at life's mess, roast the contradictions, and always keep it real—even if nobody else is ready.
She ready. Are you?