(Author note: Put on some sad music folks, cause its gonna hit pretty different - at least I wrote this chap while listening to such.
Well, enjoy!)
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The Impala sat silent at the edge of the lake, its black metal gleaming in the afternoon sun.
Inside, neither Winchester spoke, the only sound the occasional creak of leather as Sam shifted his grip on the steering wheel.
Lucien stared out the passenger window, watching a hawk circle lazily above the tree line. His fingers absently tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, then untucked it, then tucked it again – a nervous habit he'd developed since letting his hair grow longer in his first life.
Sam's knuckles were white against the wheel, though the car wasn't moving.
He'd driven them to this isolated spot with purpose, but now that they'd arrived, words seemed to fail him.
The silence stretched between them, heavy with unspoken thoughts.
"I heard you," Sam finally said, his voice quiet but firm, eyes fixed on the lake beyond the windshield. "Yesterday. With Katherine."
Lucien turned slightly, his expression carefully neutral. "Heard what?"
"Don't." Sam's response was immediate, cutting through Lucien's attempt at casualness. "You didn't deny it, Lucien."
"Deny what?" Lucien asked, eyes darting away from Sam.
Sam finally turned, meeting his brother's gaze directly. "You know."
Lucien held the stare for a moment before sighing deeply. He put his face in his palm, looking at Sam through splayed fingers. "I don't know what you want me to say, Sam."
"How about you start with why?" Sam asked, his voice strained. "Why do you... feel that way?" The last words seemed difficult for him to form, as if they tasted bitter on his tongue.
Lucien gave a humorless chuckle, dropping his hand to his lap. "You don't want this, Sam. You don't want to start this." He gestured vaguely between them. "How about we just forget this thing ever began and go home?"
"No." Sam's response was immediate, his jaw set with determination. "I do want this. I want to know why my little brother feels that a fucking vampire cares more about him than his own family."
"I never said that!" Lucien snapped, straightening in his seat. "Don't put words in my mouth."
"I know what I heard," Sam countered, his voice calm voice - a stark contrast to Lucien's outburst. "And I heard no denial."
Frustration flashed across Lucien's face. He threw his hands up, "What the fuck do you want me to say, Sam? That it isn't true?" His voice rose with each word. "Do you think I'm blind? Have you forgotten I can sense your damn emotions? Do you think I don't know how-"
He cut himself off abruptly, taking a deep breath. His fingers curled into fists, then slowly relaxed as he forced himself to calm down.
'Damn Katherine,' he thought bitterly. 'She must have heard Sam's heartbeat outside the door. She knew he was listening when she brought this up. She's trying to force this confrontation, trying to prove that only she truly cares about me above all others.'
"Just please drop this," Lucien said, his voice quieter now. "It isn't like I doubt you all love me or something. Everyone of us is willing to die for one another. That's enough for me. There's no need to go further about this."
Sam shook his head, his expression resolute. "There is a need. You're my little brother, and I'll be damned before I let you think that some monster cares more about you than your family."
He paused, letting his words sink in. "Now, we can stay here all day, with Dean and Dad eventually coming looking for us, in which case this will be heard by them then as well, or you can just- just tell me the truth. What this is even about. Why you think this."
"Know," Lucien muttered, looking away.
"What?"
"KNOW," Lucien repeated, louder this time, turning back to face Sam. "I don't just think this. I KNOW this."
The emphasis hung in the air between them, transforming the atmosphere inside the car. Sam's shoulders sagged slightly, but his gaze remained steady.
"I feel your emotions," Lucien began, his voice low. "You can't hide what you feel toward me. Do you think I don't realize that deep down, there's a bit of fear and resentment toward me from you?"
"What? That's-" Sam started to protest.
"I know you want a normal life," Lucien interrupted, the words flowing now that the dam had broken.
"It isn't hard, with me being able to feel how you feel toward hunting. Not wanting this to be your life, not being able to actually live like a normal person, and pursue your own dreams and career, and create your own family."
His voice softened slightly. "Not wanting to die in some ditch somewhere because of a monster and bad luck."
Sam's hand moved to his hair, pushing it back, the same nervous habit.
"And how you now feel more doubt than ever about doing this," Lucien continued, "because since I've come around, the threats have just become... bigger."
He met Sam's eyes directly. "You're afraid if you do leave, and get out, one day on the news you'll hear about Dean's death, it being said to be an animal attack, or some mugging or whatever."
The color drained from Sam's face, his eyes widening slightly.
"And Sam, deep down, you resent me for that." Lucien's voice was gentle now, almost apologetic. "You may feel guilty for that - but don't you understand, that the mere fact that you feel guilty, and hate yourself when you feel this way, that makes me feel guilty too."
Lucien looked down at his hands. "You didn't ask for this. Didn't ask for some half-brother to show up and just turn your whole world upside down, mess up your life."
He looked back up at Sam, his expression resigned. "So, no, I don't blame you one bit that you love Dean and Dad more than me."
'I can't even think that your life would be worse without me- since this world isn't the show I know. I could be making things worse or better in the future, who knows...
All I know, is right now, I'm making things worse. And that hurts. Because- Because I truly love you all. You're my family...' Lucien thought to himself.
A heavy silence fell between them. Sam's breathing had become shallow, his eyes fixed on some invisible point beyond the windshield.
Lucien turned away, looking out at the lake again, giving his brother space to process.
"We should go home," Lucien finally said, breaking the silence.
"No," Sam's voice was rough. "Keep going. What about Dean? Dad? Everyone else?"
Lucien looked at Sam in confusion, then understanding dawned on his face. "Why do you want to hear any more of this?" he snapped, then after a moment his expression shifted to one of realization. "You're punishing yourself because you can't deny what I'm saying."
He gritted his teeth, shaking his head firmly. "No. I'm done. I won't help you in doing some sick, self-punishment."
"Either we finish this now, or we finish it with Dad and Dean," Sam said, his voice steady despite the pain clear in his eyes.
Frustration flashed across Lucien's face, but after a moment of internal struggle, he relented.
"Dean loves you more than anything in the world," he began, his tone matter-of-fact. "More than his own life, or anyone's life. Doesn't matter who he has to sacrifice if it came down between you and them. Dean raised you - it may not be said out loud, but I've heard enough to know that."
Sam's jaw tightened, but he didn't interrupt.
"Dean doesn't resent me for the danger I'm putting you all in, and I'm grateful for that." Lucien's fingers traced an invisible pattern on the door panel. "It is what it is, though. Dean would let the world burn for you."
He shifted in his seat, gathering his thoughts before continuing. "Dad is... different. Dad is who I've known longest of the three of you. Dad has, even before our lives were turned upside down, always felt guilty when he was visiting us. Guilty that he wasn't with you and Dean, keeping us separate from our siblings."
Lucien's voice grew quieter. "Guilty that he was enjoying a bit of a normal life after your Mom died, and her killer, the yellow-eyed demon, still hasn't been punished for it. Feeling like he was betraying her, betraying her and you by loving us."
Sam's expression softened slightly, a flicker of understanding crossing his face.
"And this did get somewhat better when finally everyone got together," Lucien continued, "but then the problem became fundamentally me."
He gestured to himself. "Again, I brought danger. How many times has everyone nearly died since I've come into this hunting world?"
He leaned back against the seat, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Before that, you and Dean were only on the most basic of hunts - ghosts and the like. And were only on other ones with strict supervision by Dad, who made sure nothing bad could happen."
Lucien's voice took on a bitter edge. "But since I've come around, even a normal ghost could end up a fucking apocalyptic threat if not dealt with, where everyone nearly died. Force-drain ghost ring a bell? Dad recently also nearly died, sacrificing all his life force to some cursed spear for power to protect his family, because I drew in Dracula."
He ran a hand through his hair, getting more frustrated. "Now we also have to deal with Katherine getting between our family - and it's just all circling back to me. Dad loves me, I have no doubt about it, but if it came down to it? Of course he would choose the rest of the family, me being at the literal bottom."
Lucien's voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "I'm even getting in the way of Dad finally getting peace by getting revenge against the yellow-eyed demon..."
A self-deprecating chuckle escaped him. "I couldn't even save Dad right, giving my life force to him, and it still got us Katherine for the trouble."
Sam remained silent for a long moment, his breathing uneven. When he finally spoke, his voice was choked. "Keep going."
Lucien looked at his brother - really looked at him - and saw the unshed tears, the guilt and sorrow etched into every line of Sam's face. He shook his head firmly. "I'm done. I'm tired."
"Lucien-" Sam began.
"Do you like torturing me?" Lucien asked suddenly, his voice cold with forced harshness. "Does opening fresh wounds make you feel better? Is that it?"
His words came faster now, more desperate. "Does making me hurt, making me CLAW my own heart out, make you feel better?"
He turned away, unable to maintain the harsh facade while looking at his brother. "Go ahead, tell Dean and Dad, but all you'll do is make my life more miserable, because then I can't ignore it. At least with the Force, I can make it so I stop sensing your emotions and not think about it."
Lucien's voice cracked slightly. "If you tell them, then it will be at the forefront. I'll see it on their faces too. Do you want to make my life a literal hell?"
The silence that followed was deafening.
Neither brother moved, the only sound their harsh breathing in the car.
Finally, Sam put his face in his hands, wiping away tears before they could fall. Without a word, he started the car, the familiar rumble of the Impala's engine filling the silence between them.
As they began to drive away from the lake, Sam softly said, "I'm sorry."
Lucien, looking out the passenger window at the receding shoreline, replied equally softly, "I'm sorry too."
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(Author note: Hello everyone! I hope you all liked the chapter.
So... Yeah. I don't want to make Lucien an emo or something.
He doesn't want this conversation. He loves his family. He accepts this as... natural. It is just the way it is, because of who he himself is.
And well... Katherine knows that. Damn woman wanted to drive it even harder home, that she compared to them would always put him first, that she will give her heart and love him enough to even give her life...
What do you think though, has she succeeded?
I'm interested in your thoughts. I hope to see you all later,
Bye!)