Three hours into their journey to the nearest town, Kael had learned several important things about traveling with academics:
First, they talked. A lot. About everything. Even things that didn't need talking about.
Second, they had very strong opinions about things that didn't matter.
Third, they apparently couldn't walk and think at the same time without tripping over their own feet.
"—which is why the fundamental principles of thaumic resonance clearly indicate that what you did should have been impossible," Al was saying as he stumbled over a perfectly visible rock for the third time. "The mathematical proofs alone—"
"Al," Kael interrupted.
"Magister Aldwin Threeweave of the—"
"Al," Kael said more firmly. "See that thing up ahead?"
Al squinted down the road. "What thing?"
"The big green thing with teeth."
"I don't see any—OH GODS WHAT IS THAT?"
The "that" in question was roughly the size of a small cottage, bright green, covered in what looked like moss but moved like hair, and was currently blocking the entire road while it munched on what used to be a merchant's wagon.
"Road monster," Kael said helpfully. "Pretty common."
"That's not a road monster!" Corny protested, frantically flipping through his notebook. "According to my extensive research on local fauna, there are no creatures matching that description in this region!"
"Well there's one right there," Kael pointed out.
"But it's impossible! The ecosystem couldn't support a creature of that size, and the magical energy requirements alone—"
The green thing noticed them and let out a roar that sounded like a landslide having an argument with a thunderstorm.
"Corny," Kael said patiently.
"Professor Cornelius Inkwell of the—"
"Corny. Is that thing gonna try to eat us?"
Corny looked at the creature, which was now lumbering toward them with obvious hostile intent. "Well, based on its apparent carnivorous adaptations and aggressive behavioral patterns, I would say yes."
"Good enough." Kael hefted Skullsplitter. "Al, this looks like a normal monster or a weird monster?"
"How should I know?" Al yelped, backing away rapidly.
"You're the magic expert."
"I study dimensional theory, not... not whatever that is!"
The green thing was getting closer. Beltran had wisely taken cover behind a tree.
"Right," Kael said. "Normal monster approach it is."
He walked directly toward the creature.
"That's not an approach!" Al screamed. "That's walking into the mouth of certain death!"
"Details," Kael called back.
The green thing opened what Kael generously assumed was its mouth, revealing approximately seventeen rows of teeth, each one the size of a dinner plate. It lunged forward to bite him in half.
Kael stepped sideways at the last second and punched it in the side of the head.
The creature stopped mid-lunge, blinked several dozen eyes that Kael hadn't noticed before, and slowly turned to look at him with what might have been confusion.
"Bad," Kael told it firmly, the same way he'd told the purple furry thing. "No eating people."
The green monster tilted its massive head and made a sound like a confused whale.
"People are friends," Kael continued, speaking slowly and clearly. "You eat trees and rocks and stuff. Not people."
The creature looked at him, looked at the remains of the wagon (which, Kael now noticed, had been carrying lumber), looked back at him, and made an apologetic rumbling sound.
"That's better," Kael said approvingly. "Now go find some nice trees to eat. Plenty of forest that way." He pointed away from the road.
The green thing gave what appeared to be a grateful nod and shambled off into the woods, making happy munching sounds as it discovered a grove of oak trees.
Kael dusted off his hands and walked back to the group.
"You just..." Al's voice cracked. "You just reasoned with a primordial forest entity."
"I told a confused animal to eat the right food," Kael corrected. "Probably escaped from somewhere and didn't know what it was supposed to eat."
"Forest entities don't escape from anywhere! They're manifestations of natural magical forces!"
"This one seemed pretty real to me," Kael said. "Solid punch, listened to instructions. Definitely a real animal."
Corny was scribbling frantically again. "Remarkable! He applied basic animal training techniques to what appears to be a magical construct! The implications for inter-species communication theory—"
"Can we please just get to town?" Beltran called from behind his tree. "I'd like to reach somewhere with walls before dark."
They resumed walking. After about ten minutes of blessed silence, Al cleared his throat.
"So... how exactly do you determine whether something is a 'normal monster' or a 'weird monster'?"
Kael considered this. "Normal monsters act like animals. They're hungry, or scared, or protecting something. You can usually reason with them or at least predict what they'll do."
"And weird monsters?"
"Weird monsters don't make sense. They just want to break stuff or eat everything or make annoying noises for no reason. Those ones need hitting."
"That's... actually a remarkably sophisticated taxonomical system," Corny admitted.
"It's completely unscientific!" Al protested.
"Works though," Beltran observed.
As they crested the next hill, the town of Millhaven came into view. Even from a distance, they could see something was wrong. The air above the town was shimmering like heat waves, and there were odd flashes of light coming from the center of town.
"Dimensional disturbance," Al said immediately. "Probably a Class Three reality fracture based on the visual distortion patterns."
"Big problem or little problem?" Kael asked.
"Could be either. We'll need to conduct a thorough magical analysis to determine—"
"Beltran," Kael interrupted. "How much do towns pay to fix their problems?"
"Depends on the size of the problem," Beltran said with a grin. "But a town that size? If they're desperate enough? Could be five hundred gold. Maybe more."
Kael shouldered his axe and started walking faster. "Then let's go see what needs fixing."
Behind him, he could hear Al muttering something about "proper magical protocols" and "safety procedures."
Kael ignored him. There was money to be made and things to hit.
This was turning out to be a pretty good day.