From that day on, every afternoon after school, I would wait for Su Chi An to leave school to go together, but after that night, he returned to his original appearance. Out of respect for the time he helped me, I was too lazy to argue with him.
After entering ninth grade, I started to study hard, trying my best to surprise people. Even my parents occasionally confided in me, afraid that I was under too much pressure, and worried that I might be stimulated by something.
Even Su Chi An raised his eyebrows with interest and asked me if I had suddenly lost my way and came back.
This was my secret alone, I wanted to go to the same high school as Su Chi An.
After my desperate efforts and Su Chi An's tutoring, although time was tight, fortunately, I was finally able to dangerously squeeze into the best high school.
During the summer break of ninth grade, I went to practice with him, because after being beaten up in eighth grade, at first I was determined to study hard, but later it was just a temporary interest.
This was all because of Chu Chi An, my parents asked him to look after me, but he always let me go, later he even helped me skip school, everything was negotiable, easy to talk to to the point that I suspected he wanted to study well and then bully me.
When school started, I was very surprised that Chu Chi An was in the same class as me, in the last class.
This was unfair, he was first, he should be in the best class. This thought came so quickly, I didn't even have time to think about why I was so angry and dissatisfied.
But Chu Chi An didn't pay any attention, he even smiled and knocked my head, saying that this way he could continue to look after me.
My classmates before all said that Chu Chi An didn't like to laugh, I despised him. I felt that he really liked to laugh, he would laugh when he bullied people.
When I got to high school, Suo Chi An became even more dazzling in every way. Starting from middle school, there were already girls who liked him, but before it was a bit more discreet, now it was much more obvious.
When I saw someone confessing to him again, I finally slowly realized that I liked Suo Chi An. It wasn't out of envy, it wasn't out of jealousy, it was out of liking, it was out of unwillingness.
I had liked Suo Chi An for a long time, long before I even realized it.
Right when I got used to his existence, when I was beaten for protecting the book he gave me from being torn, when I saw him injured and cried, when I was staring at him in a daze...
I couldn't sleep all night, my mind was in chaos, but there was no surprise or surprise.
Perhaps I had long been unable to come to a conclusion that To An liking of So Chi An wasn't a coincidence, but rather an inevitable thing.
I calmly accepted this result, even finding joy in the pain thinking that fortunately this was a one-sided love that was destined to have no result, it was just my business.
The rebellious thing I did in my first ten years of life was probably liking So Chi An, I never wanted to give up, and I never thought that there would be any results.
Sometimes I would also think about what kind of person So Chi An would like in the future, they would fall in love, get married, have children, and then be happy for the rest of their lives.
And I, would always be his most beloved younger brother, staying in the safest corner watching him. This was very good, I told myself countless times.
In eleventh grade, Chi An transferred to first grade, without any warning.
Is he avoiding me, I thought as my hands and feet turned cold. Maybe he had discovered my thoughts, my skills were too poor, he had discovered them. He felt it was unbelievable, hard to accept, even felt disgusted, so he avoided me.
When So Chi An wanted to avoid me, I couldn't see him, even though we had been inseparable.
Every week, when the flag-raising ceremony came, I would stubbornly look towards his class. There were several times when I saw him slightly tilt his head, but he would not turn back, not once.
Only then did I see how So Chi An looked in other people's eyes, cold, indifferent, a thousand miles away from others. It turned out that they had never lied.
I was originally at the bottom of the list, and every day while I was lost in thought, I had fallen to the bottom.
When the midterm results were announced, I was number one in the countdown, but Chi An was still at the top of the list on the honor roll.
I looked at the extremely miserable test paper and laughed out loud. So Chi An was still the same So Chi An, no one had the ability to influence him. But I had no reason or position to feel wronged, who told me to like him.
My parents looked at my report card and were silent for a long time. They began to confide in me one after another, while I sat on the sofa with my head bowed and did not say a word.
I also couldn't tell them that their child had a one-sided love affair because of liking Chu Chi An, and his grades had plummeted. In a fit of anger, my father might break my legs, and my mother would sob all day long, and no one in the house would be at peace, and the atmosphere would be stifling. Seeing that I was always silent, my father frowned and sighed, helplessly waving his hand to tell me to go back to my room.
I sat in front of the desk, absent-minded, sometimes seeing my parents' tired faces, sometimes seeing So Chi An's face, silent, gentle, and cold. I was so lost in thought that I didn't even hear the door open.
When Chi An sat in front of me with a book in his hand, I thought I was dreaming, I stared at the person in front of me like an idiot. He wasn't like before, somehow making people feel dangerous, his calm eyes were deep, like an unfathomable pool of water. He just looked at me, and had no intention of speaking.
While looking at each other, I couldn't resist for a minute, looked away and pretended to be calm: "Why did you come here?"
"Your parents asked me to come here to advise you."
His calm tone and expression made me instantly angry and resentful, he knew, he clearly knew.
Yes, I had no intention of letting him respond to me, nor had I ever wanted an outcome. But he could so decisively hate me, ignoring me like someone watching through a paper window, what was that? Seeing me fall, seeing me suffer, seeing me confused and not knowing what to do, like a clown performing on his own.
I wanted to vent, wanting to scream out loud, but when I opened my mouth, I discovered that I couldn't even make a sound.
"To An."
It was rare for him to call me by my full name, I didn't know why I felt uneasy.
Sure enough, So Chi An put the textbook in his hand on the table and pushed it in front of me, his eyes filled with emotions I didn't understand, deep yet restrained.
He smiled at me, just like before, but the words he said were like a knife stabbing straight into my chest.
"There's a photo inside, it's the person I like."
It was a ninth grade textbook, it came out so early, I didn't know anything. For a moment, I lost the ability to think, I just mechanically picked up the book.
The moment I opened it, I even heard the sound of flesh tearing.
And the instigator pressed closer, step by step: "After we finish reading, we'll talk more."
Actually, he didn't need to do that, if he just flat out rejected me, he wouldn't be this miserable, could it be that he hated me that much?
When I took out the photo, So Chi An's mouth twitched, very strange, clearly the one who was about to be sentenced to death was me, but he was like someone who was being sentenced to life and death.
The photo was a graduation photo of a mature man, very well preserved, probably because the owner often fondled it, so the four corners were wrinkled. In the blink of an eye, I could clearly see my breath hit the ground, the photo fell to the ground.
The person on top was me.
I didn't even know when he got it.
I unconsciously bent down to pick up the photo and clipped it to the book in my hand, my hands were also shaking, my whole body was stiff like a piece of wood.
In an instant, along with the joy that came, confusion and fear rushed in, in a flash my head appeared the faces of my parents and So Chi An's parents.
My face was drained of blood, the only thought was to go out first, right now I had no way to face him.
Just as I was about to stand up and go out, Chu Zhi An moved, one of his hands was placed on my shoulder, not very strong, but made me unable to stand up, I raised my head in panic to face him, his pupils were very black, carrying a very deep sense of oppression, like a thick net trapping me inside, unable to escape.
He lowered his voice and called out to me: "An An…"
My breathing became rapid, interrupting his words instinctively, "I… So Chi An… not… your parents, my mother…" I spoke words that were out of order and chaotic.
But Chu Zhi An pressed down on my shoulder, it seemed like he realized what I wanted to say, he did not allow me to run away, nor did he allow me to retreat at all.
He stared at me, his eyes unusually serious: "I like you."
The world was silent.
I could only hear my heart that had stopped for a moment start to beat rapidly.
He was saying that he liked me.
Nervous, incredulous, dazed and scared, I stood there in a daze listening to him repeat again,
"An An, I like you, since a long time ago."
"You don't feel it at all?"
I suddenly remembered that one time during the summer vacation in ninth grade, I was lazy and didn't go to practice. After the training ended, I secretly squatted outside the gate waiting for Chi An to come out. I suddenly heard the coach regretting that he couldn't make a living by scolding me, then scolding So Chi An for covering up. It seemed like the coach was very angry, angrily asking him if I wanted to be lazy again and again, and later on I wouldn't have the strength to fight back.
At that moment, how would So Chi An answer? He resolutely said, "I will protect him."
The coach was so angry that he laughed, "He is a boy, can you protect him for the rest of his life?"
I heard Chu Zhi An stay silent for a moment, then his voice came out, "Maybe."
It's me who is always too slow to notice anything.
It was as if I was split into two people, one half was enjoying myself, the other half was struggling in pain.
Regarding the matter of me liking Su Zhi An, I had thought of many ways to handle it, each of them was basically the same, simply I could hide it for the rest of my life, no matter what my identity was, younger brother or best friend, as long as I could be near him, I would always silently bless him. Then when I died with this secret at the end of my life, I never thought of another possibility.
It would go against morality.
It would be the suffering of two families.
Su Zhi An's fingers caressed the corner of my eyes, interrupting my random thoughts, "An An, I'm not forcing you, I just want to let you know."
I didn't say anything, I understood him as well as he understood me, he said he wouldn't force me, but when he chose to avoid me, he was forcing me to make a choice.
I was confused and flustered because he was avoiding me, I couldn't help but want to get close to him, in the end I tore off all the symbols, and made a choice.
It turned out that he knew that I liked him so much, liked him so much that after knowing everything, I couldn't choose to pretend I didn't know anything.
When I was silent, So Chi An didn't say anything anymore, he gave me enough time to think, like a hunter full of patience, waiting for his prey to willingly come forward.
I still had no way to bear the unknown consequences, nor did I have any way to give up So Chi An liking me. After all, I was only seventeen years old this year, still carrying the innocence and weakness of youth, but also the frankness and enthusiasm of youth.
The faces of both sets of parents were mixed with concern and protection, and So Chi An alternately circulated in front of me like riding a horse to see flowers.
I don't know how long it took, I let out a sigh, and softly said to the person in front of me: "You won."
If there really is a god, please forgive my greed, I want Su Zhi An.
I compromised, willingly losing to him, stepping into the trap called love.
Su Zhi An's stiff body relaxed slightly, he smiled, his beautiful eyes shining brightly, almost making me who was looking at him not know what to do.
Seeing this, the corners of his lips curved even more, I watched this person get closer to me little by little, finally intimately touching my forehead.
I nervously grabbed the armrest, my whole body stiffened on the chair, my cheeks and ears were steaming hot, he suddenly laughed out loud, then slightly retreated, his eyes staring into mine: "An An, I have everything."
I slowly reached out, probing bit by bit, finally, I hugged him.
Hugging him like that night of tears, his chest was still thin and weak only for a teenager, but it made me feel like I had the whole world.
Starting from today, the name So Chi An has a different meaning to me.
Boyfriend.
It is a unique existence, it sounds very special.
From now on, So Chi An is my So Chi An, is mine.
Just imagining it in my heart, I already have the urge to curl up the corners of my mouth.