Cartel Cats: A Real L if E Hero
Felicia's Song Circle—Lessons from the Cartel
Felicia gathers the young cats in a circle, her voice gentle but strong.
1. Soft Kitty, Cartel Kitty
To the tune of "Soft Kitty"
Soft kitty, cartel kitty,
Little ball of fur—
Sneaks across the border,
With a bag of... purr.
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,
Counting all that cash,
DEA comes knocking,
Kitty makes a dash.
Felicia says:
"Never apologize for surviving, little ones. Sometimes you have to run, sometimes you have to hide. It's not about being bad—it's about staying alive. Remember, everyone's just trying to make it through."
2. Cartel Cat Ballad
My cartel cat was prowling by the border wall,
Kept watch so long, poor kitty took a fall—
Bumped kitty… ohhh
Bumped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was hiding in a secret flat,
Waited so long, poor kitty got trapped—
Trapped kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was running from the DEA,
Ran so fast, poor kitty lost his way—
Lost kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat was counting all the cash,
Stacked so high, poor kitty made a dash—
Rich kitty… ohhh
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My neighbor saw my kitty with a bag of snow,
I said to my neighbor, "Let my kitty go!"
Free kitty…
Bumped, trapped, lost, rich, free kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat tried to hide in a sombrero,
But sneezed so loud, blew his cover, oh no!
Sneezy kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat took a nap on a pile of cash,
Dreamed of tuna, woke up with a stash—
Sleepy kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat tried to bribe the border guard,
Offered a fish, but got caught off guard—
Caught kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy, caught kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
My cartel cat escaped with a clever plan,
Rode a llama, now he's the man—
Llama kitty… ohhh
Sneezy, free, sleepy, caught, llama kitty…
Just a friendly little cat.
Felicia says:
"Sometimes you'll get bumped, trapped, or even caught. Sometimes you'll get lucky and escape. But through it all, don't take it personally. Most folks—cats and humans alike—are just trying to survive another day."
3. Alpha Beta Kappas (Sorority Cartel Parody)
Verse 1
OMG, like, the Gambino girls
Are mixing White Claws with pearls
Yakuza sisters in pink,
Bratva boys can't even think
Sinaloa sisters can't smuggle
A pizza past the house mom's juggle
Triads run a bake sale,
But launder the cookie dough, fail!
Chorus
We're the Alpha Beta Kappas,
Mobsters in mascara,
Cartel queens in Lilly prints,
Throwing shade and throwing hints
Gambino girls "whack" their GPA,
Bratva bros pull hammies every day
Yakuza boys' tattoos?
All temporary, nothing new!
Verse 2
Triad twins on TikTok,
Sinaloa snaps in the hall,
Cosa Nostra at the mixer,
But nobody remembers it all
Medellin's idea of a hit?
Dropping the aux at formal, that's it
Genovese girls run rackets,
But only for tennis brackets!
Roast Verse
Whose bright idea was it,
To stop putting drugs in the drugs?
Now our parties are just LaCroix,
And awkward shrugs and chugs
The only thing thugs really are?
They thug it out through way too many snugs,
Like, literally, they can't detach,
Squeezing tight in a cuddle match!
Pledge week's a trauma marathon,
Mixer disasters every week,
Daddy's money runs the show,
But can't buy cool or mystique
We fake philanthropy for clout,
Pretend to care, then ghost,
And every time we "study,"
It's just gossip and a toast.
So here's to Greek life legends,
With secrets, scandals, shrugs-
But next time, let's remember
To put the drugs in the drugs!
Bridge
The only "cartel" we run
Is group Uber rides for fun
"Making you an offer you can't refuse"-
Just a Venmo request for booze
Our "front" is the lemonade stand,
During philanthropy week, oh so bland
The "underboss" forgot his laundry,
Now he's just feeling all groggy!
Chorus
We're the Alpha Beta Kappas,
Mobsters in mascara,
Cartel queens in Lilly prints,
Throwing shade and throwing hints
Cosa Nostra can't keep a secret,
Unless it's the WiFi, don't leak it!
Medellin's big heist tonight?
Just sneaking snacks in the fridge light!
Outro
From Medellin to Genovese,
We're extra, wild, and loud,
Sorority girls and mafia names,
Forever basic and proud!
Felicia says:
"Sometimes, life's just a party with a lot of drama. People show off, throw shade, and chase clout. But remember, most of it's just for show. Don't take it to heart—everyone's just trying to fit in or get ahead."
4. "I Just Can't Wait to Be Kingpin"
(Parody of The Lion King's "I Just Can't Wait to Be King")
I'm gonna be a mighty boss,
So enemies beware!
But every time the badges flash,
We're halfway out the lair!
I'm brushing up on hustling,
I'm working on my rep—
But when the sirens start to wail,
We're tripping over each other to step!
No one saying, "Stand your ground!"
When the cops are rolling through—
No one daring, "Hold your turf!"
We're all like, "Yes, sir, right away, thank you!"
It's our cartel coronation,
But here's the funniest thing:
We talk a big, bad game—
But we bend over for every badge and bling!
Oh, I just can't wait to be Kingpin!
(But only if the coast is clear and there's not a badge in sight…)
Felicia says:
"Even the toughest cats talk big, but when the heat comes, everyone runs. That's not weakness—it's survival. Don't judge too harshly. We all do what we must."
5. "Cycle of Abuse"
(Parody of The Lion King's "Circle of Life")
From the moment we're hurt
And the pain goes unspoken,
We learn how to hide
Every scar, every token.
It's the fear, it's the shame,
It's the silence that binds us—
And the wounds that remain
Are the chains that confine us.
It's the cycle of abuse,
And it spins through the ages,
From the words and the blows
To the anger that rages.
Till we break, till we heal,
Till we find a solution—
We're all caught in the wheel
Of this sad revolution.
It's the cycle,
The cycle of abuse.
Felicia says:
"Sometimes, the hardest battles are the ones inside. Hurt people hurt people. Don't take it personally, and don't be afraid to ask for help. We all deserve a chance to heal."
Felicia looks at the young cats, her voice full of warmth and hope.
"Never apologize for surviving. Remember, everyone you meet is just trying to get by, sometimes making choices you don't understand. Don't take it to heart—just keep your own heart strong, and help others when you can. That's how you become a real life hero."
(End of Song Circle)