Chapter 51: A Dragon's Inner Conflict
As I stood in front of the doorway of my own villa, I found myself hesitating. It was like there was a voice in the back of my head admonishing my every micromovement, scolding me for having the audacity to even show my face to the people waiting for me inside.
It wasn't a confusing feeling, on the contrary, it was one I understood perfectly well. One that had been quickly creeping through the crevices and weak spots of my mind like eroding rock ever since I had stepped into Rias's clubroom earlier.
No, it started before that, didn't it? It started when I lied to Serafall about my involvement with the Governor. Of course, I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing, that it was all for the sake of peace.
And honestly, I don't regret that decision. I truly do believe the Governor's striving towards that noble goal.
But that's not the problem. It's not just the lying itself that's bothering me, it's the process of justifying the lies in my mind that's really getting at me. Both the lies, and the refusal. My refusal to immediately act on my knowledge of Rias' inquiry, my refusal to tell Sona about what happened to her closest friend, and my refusal to tell anyone at all what's going on inside my head at this very moment.
It's weighing on me, and I'm gradually beginning to feel like I'm not equipped to handle that weight. That I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe.
"Of course you aren't, nor are you supposed to be."
I flinched, hearing a voice that I didn't even think was capable of speaking to me outside of our usual encounters.
My dragon.
"I'm a part of your mindscape, why wouldn't I be able to speak to you at my own discretion? Or did you believe that I was naught more than an obstacle for you to face every now and then?"
I mean, kinda. Can you blame me? The only time we've talked is during my trials.
"In that case, allow the words that I now speak to you to serve as immediate clarification. I'm not just a medium of your strength to challenge whenever you choose to, I am an ever-present part of you. You said it yourself, did you not? 'We are Alduin, Sallos, and Buné.'"
Yeah, I did say that didn't I? I sheepishly scratched my cheek. In any case, if you've been able to speak to me this whole time. Why are you only doing so now?
"Good grief, you can be frustratingly dense when you want to be. Your mind is in turmoil, and it's clear to me that you won't divulge its contents to anyone else. Frankly speaking, it's pretty pathetic to see the one who conquered both me and the fragment of the strongest Dragon King so downtrodden. Which is why I've decided to drown out the voice of self-deprecation you created with my own. You're welcome."
Hah, it is rather pathetic of me, isn't it? Hesitating when I know full well—
"Yes, yes. 'Hesitation is defeat.' I'm very much aware of the mantra you love repeating time and time again. However, that mantra only makes its worth known in a battle of fists. I'm afraid it won't do you any good in a battle of mentality like this, Alduin."
No, I suppose it won't. I breathed a dejected sigh. So, what is it exactly you'll have me do? Because as I'm sure you're aware, I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to do from this point onwards.
"It's simple. Admit your weakness. Come to terms with the fact that you can't endure all the weight you recklessly put on your back, and understand just how burdensome the path you've chosen is. Only then will you be able to experience true growth."
You make it sound so easy. I donned a weak smile.
"I'm insulted that you'd even suggest that I would ever say something so incomprehensibly idiotic. Nothing about you is easy. You've done a good job of ensuring that. Not the words you speak. Not the actions you take. Not the thoughts you think. All of it is so impossibly complicated to the point where even if you wanted to explain it to someone, you wouldn't have the words."
I clenched my teeth as I felt my face begin to twitch. Not because my dragon's words infuriated me or anything of the sort, but because his explanation was perfect.
Absolutely, unequivocally, perfect.
"Sebastian. Martha. Gilda. Thora. Ladora. Roygun. Serafall. Sirzechs. Rias. Sona. Gasper. Even the Governor! They all swirl around your mind, clashing with one another as if they were one supersized, decaying spiderweb. Eating at you like a slowly progressing cancer. And here you are, hesitating, because you don't know what to do with yourself! With all the baggage you foolishly took on!"
Then what would you have me do? Oh, wise and noble dragon, my inner voice took on a colder tone. Simply forget and move on? Is that it?
"Hah! If you were capable of that, you would've heeded my warning and avoided this path in the first place. The fact that we're having this conversation at all is proof that it'll never happen."
You really love using that word, don't you? 'Path.' Somehow, I get the feeling that our interpretations of the word are vastly different.
"Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter, that's not what I'm here to talk to you about at present."
I felt the urge to let out a deep groan. There's nothing I hate more than being talked to cryptically.
No? And what is it exactly you wish to talk to me about?
"To give you an answer. One that will hopefully offer you some peace of mind, or at the very least, give you something resembling a sense of direction."
I swear, if you're about to spew some riddle-esque nonsense at me, I'm going to jump into my mindscape and punch you with the force of a thousand suns.
"We are one in the same. Our dislike for riddles is mutual."
Good to know. My posture eased up in relief.
"There's a question that's been on your mind ever since Martha planted those seeds of doubt into your head, one that you keep asking yourself again and again, especially when you're in Thora's presence."
I felt my body freeze up. I knew exactly what question he was referring to, and despite one's expectations, I wasn't all that keen on hearing his response. Since there was a good chance the answer would frighten me.
"You wish to know if you really are the person you're aspiring to become, or if it's all just a self-constructed lie designed to mask the pool of evil and manipulative tendencies lurking beneath."
…Well? I almost hesitated to ask. I know I've had a similar conversation with Thora, where she told me that she didn't care whether or not that was who I truly am, and that she was just happy to be in her current position either way.
Did hearing that reassure me? Yes, of course it did. But it wasn't a complete answer to the question. All it told me was that I hadn't wronged Thora, which was naturally of immense importance to me, however, it didn't answer whether I, Alduin, was wrong.
"Indeed, you are capable of a great deal of evil."
My heart dropped. So it's as I thought—
"Idiot, do not jump to conclusions. I didn't say you were evil, I merely stated that you are capable of it. And for the record, I don't even believe in good or evil in the first place. I'm simply using your definition of the term."
I'm afraid I don't follow…
"You have an exceptional affinity for understanding the emotions of others, and I'm not just referring to reading people's auras through Senjutsu. You're quick to figure out what they want or don't want, what makes them tick and what keeps them calm, and what they do and don't perceive about you. These are all traits of a top-class manipulator, Martha wasn't wrong in saying that. I'll give her that credit."
Then doesn't that make—
"Let me finish," he sounded irritated. "What she failed to understand is the manner in which you choose to use those traits. A fact which you actually realized almost immediately."
…I did?
"Tell me, is Thora naught but a mere tool to you?"
NO! Absolutely not!
"And Roygun, do you plan on conveniently throwing her aside now that you've gotten her to postpone your wedding?"
Never! Never in a million years!
"Then shouldn't you see my point? These are two 'evils' that you could enact with little to no difficulty, both of which would make life a lot easier for you going forward. Yet, neither of them has come to fruition. You chose that path from the start, and you've stuck to it."
I fell into deep contemplation. I felt like I understood what it was he was trying to convey, but part of me couldn't seem to comprehend why he would convey such a thing.
Hold on, it almost sounds like you're telling me to just accept that I'm… manipulative.
"Must you continue to misunderstand me? I'm telling you to accept that you have the capacity for manipulation, not that it's the core of your character. Honestly, I feel like calling what you did to Thora and Roygun 'manipulation' is a bit of a stretch. It seems like plain persuasion to me. Manipulation itself suggests malice does it not? I've yet to feel that from you. The only thing you've kept from those two is your conflict which… I doubt they'd understand. At least for now."
With each word, I could feel my shoulders loosen up a little. But at the same time, my confusion started to grow.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this.
"You shouldn't be sure of anything. You're young. Your journey's only just begun, clarity is something even aged veterans struggle with, so there's no shame in experiencing confusion as you are now. Alduin, you need to stop trying to identify yourself in black and white. You aren't nearly as simple as plain good and evil, you're someone who can be both, neither, or one at a time. It all depends on what you choose to do with the person you are. Regardless of what you decide on, make sure you keep moving forward. Stagnation can be the downfall of even the greatest of warriors and most gifted of scholars. You're in the prime of your growth, so don't waste it wallowing in meaningless possibilities. Focus on you, be selfish if need be. As long as you keep moving, you'll eventually find all the answers you seek."
'So long as you keep moving'… huh? It sounds simple in theory, but so very complex in practice. Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little clearer-headed than before.
He's right after all, regardless of what I am, that alone can't decide what I become. Only what I choose to do with it.
Come to think of it, isn't that what I told Akeno in regards to her power? Hah, what kind of teacher would I be if I didn't practice what I preach? A pretty fucking lousy one, that's for sure.
Even if I am a little… evil, for lack of better words. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to allow that evil to hurt the people around me, because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's fighting. And if I have to fight my own shortcomings every now and then, then so be it, that's something everyone goes through, isn't it? Supernatural or not.
Besides, if I come across a rather troublesome opponent or encounter a situation that my fists alone can't solve… maybe a bit of manipulation here and there could serve me well. Not to mention that I just recently acquired an ability that lets me manipulate people's senses.
This is all assuming that I'm able to properly keep myself in check, of course.
Granted, I have a feeling Thora's perfectly capable of doing that job for me. If anyone can stop me from going astray, it'd be her. No matter what poison Martha tries to pour into my ear.
Thanks.
"I merely offered a few supporting words. Whether you're able to make use of them or not is up to you, child of the moon."
Are you ever going to tell me what that means?
"…"
I'll take that as a no, I sighed in resignation. He admitted his disdain for cryptic speaking, so I'll presume he has a good reason for keeping quiet about that.
I took a deep breath and snapped myself out of my exceptionally deep state of introspection, refusing to dawdle any longer as I stepped through the front door.
"Young Lord, you've returned." I was met with an immediate greeting from Thora, who was watching over Rias' sleeping figure situated on the coach.
"I trust my clone briefed you properly?" From her expression alone, I knew she wanted nothing more than to cut to the chase.
"It did," I noticed a glint of pity shimmer within her eyes as she observed Rias. "To think there's a third-party lurking here besides the Fallen Angels… and a far more troublesome one at that, talk about rotten luck."
"Tell me about it," I chuckled dryly. "I'm not sure how they did it, but they were able to erase any residual signs of their presence in her clubroom to the point where neither I nor Sylvie could pick up on anything. No energy, no scent, nothing."
Thora narrowed her eyes. "In the first place, why did they even target Lady Rias? Your clone said that she was threatened in some capacity… but didn't elaborate on what exactly it was she was threatened about."
Of course it didn't, I ordered it to keep everything about Martha's involvement a secret. However, that was only because honestly wasn't sure what I wanted to do with that information.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I know what that information means for me, I'm simply hesitant about confronting it.
I'm going to have to make a decision, a decision that'll be definitive in shaping the person I become from this point onward.
Whether or not I inform Lord Lucifer about what happened.
If I do, the result's obvious.
Martha's death warrant will be all but signed. There's a reason he has those 'siscon' allegations floating around him. Like Serafall, his younger sibling is precious to him to the point where it can't even be put into words. He wasn't as outward about it as her in my presence, but I know it's true nonetheless.
Martha's strong, terribly so, but from what I hear, Lord Lucifer's strength is at a level where any description one could muster, no matter how gifted with vocabulary they were, would be an understatement.
And honestly speaking, I don't doubt that. When I'm around Martha and Sebastian, I'm still able to perceive the behemothic gap between us, despite its size, my senses can comprehend the gap.
But when I met Lord Lucifer for the first time, even the mildest of probs into his strength graced me with a throbbing migraine. It was as if my mind couldn't even begin to fathom that he and I were a part of the same species, my eyes saw flesh and blood, but my senses saw a bottomless void of power that was indescribably beyond my understanding.
If they were to clash, I have no doubts whatsoever that the Super Devil would come out on top, and probably with little to no effort.
Responsibility or family.
That was the choice I had to make.
My duty, or the life of a family member I both loathed and… wished to protect for all the wrong reasons. I mean, the only time Martha ever showed me any goodwill was when she believed me to be a manipulative bastard for crying out loud… any sane person wouldn't care for someone like that.
She's a horrible, vindictive, apathetic woman. I know this for a fact, I know the sheer amount of venom that runs through her veins yet… I don't want to lose her. I could argue that I feel this way simply because I believe death is excessive, or that I held some lingering attachment towards her because of our shared blood… but deep down, I know that's all a lie.
Deep down, I know no matter what Martha did, no matter how repulsive or sickening her actions were…
I would still protect that woman.
And the same goes for Sebastian, I still want to protect him. Not because I pity him, even if I do to an extent, nor because I possess some noble code of forgiveness within me.
I'm… simply afraid.
Inside me, there's this overwhelming fear of being stripped of my family once more. Even the positively dreadful one I've been stuck with this life, one that I know will cause me immense pain, far more than my heart can withstand.
To make matters worse, I haven't even thought about them changing for the better. Somehow, I'm perfectly content with protecting them as they are, even if our relationship remains as twisted as it is from now until the end of time.
That is the conflict my dragon described to me.
The desire to protect people I know don't deserve protection. The desire to love people I know don't deserve love. The desire to keep people close to me that I know shouldn't be within a thousand kilometres of my heart.
My greatest flaw, my greatest shame.
"The one you fear you'll never be able to resolve or make sense of."
Couldn't have said it better myself.
I mean, regardless of what decision I make, it's not the only variable I'll have to take into account, is it? Chances are, Rias will inform Lord Lucifer about what happened herself. I know she doesn't like relying on him, but this definitely warrants an exception.
She has every right to tell him, and Lord Lucifer has every right to deliver punishment unto Martha for her actions.
And as much as it disgusts me, a colossal part of me doesn't want that to happen.
"Young Lord?" Thora called out to me again, noticing that I had been eerily silent.
"Sorry, it looks like I spaced out for a bit." I rubbed my forehead. "The workload seems to be piling up on me harder than I imagined."
"I've noticed," she replied with her usual knowing stare. "I understand that your responsibilities demand a great deal of your attention, but it's also important that you give yourself time to rest every now and then. An overworked mind won't do you or your students any good."
Believe me, I'd love nothing more than to get a good night's rest. But with everything that's going on at the moment, I doubt I'll be able to enjoy that privilege anytime soon. And that's assuming I make it through this all without doing something that puts me on Lord Lucifer or Serafall's hit list.
Good grief, I really am a mess, aren't I? My dragon couldn't be more right. I've bitten off way more than I can chew.
Here's to hoping he's also right about me eventually finding a light at the end of the tunnel.
"Don't worry, things will cool down eventually, and once that time comes, I'll make sure to get all the rest I need, and then some." I smiled at her, making use of my growing habit to mask my true thoughts.
As much as I desperately want to tell her everything, informing her about what Martha's done and my involvement with the Governor would only make her an unnecessary accomplice. Considering how high the chance of my future actions backfiring is, especially with the former, that's a risk I'm simply not willing to take. Knowing her, she'd be more than happy to shoulder that weight alongside me, but I just can't find it in me to take advantage of her kindness like that.
Hah, it's good to know there's at least something about me worth admiration.
"A dragon should never talk themself down like that, it's an insult to your pride."
Easier said than done, buddy. Easier said than done.
Thora didn't appear to be entirely convinced, but respectfully chose to keep her concerns to herself, though I imagine that'll only be temporarily. She's far too perceptive and caring to keep this to herself indefinitely.
"Come to think of it," I began, eager to distract myself from my current inner turmoil. "You haven't had a chance to properly test your Blood Manipulation since your reawakening, have you?"
She raised her brow. "Where's this coming from?"
I shrugged. "Call it a Young Lord's simple desire to see his trusty right hand at her best." I adorned a suggestive smile. "How about it? You up for a spar? After all those years of dormancy, I imagine that ability has accumulated quite a bit of rust, wouldn't you agree?"
With the possibility of Kokabiel's imminent attack on the horizon, I think it's important that I ensure Thora's able to protect herself to the best of her abilities. Even though I plan on doing absolutely everything and anything within my power to keep her safe, it'd be arrogant to presume there won't be a situation where I'm possibly incapable of coming to her aid.
"Indeed," she hummed her approval. "However, I'd highly advise against taking that ability lightly, rust or not. It'd be a shame if you were to be seriously injured at an inconvenient time such as this."
My eyes widened as a proud smirk crept up Thora's face.
Haha! I never thought I'd see the day when she flared her teeth like that! Or perhaps it'd be more apt to say her fangs? Whatever the case, I'm glad that she's finally toning down her humbleness.
Humility might not be a bad thing in and of itself, but it can wound one's self-esteem if overdone.
"Yeah, it would." I returned a smirk of my own, motioning for her to follow me out to our oversized backyard. As long as the greenhouse doesn't get damaged, I should be able to repair any damage we end up doing to the area no problemo'.
===
Let's hope I still know what I'm doing, Thora inhaled deeply. She calmed her mind and did her utmost to hone her concentration. Before the sealing of her vampiric side upon Alduin's birth, her Blood Manipulation had undergone extensive training with the help of Sebastian's guiding hand. And now, it was time for her to dig up all the experience, knowledge, and techniques she had given up for the better part of two decades.
The ability allowed her to freely manipulate the existing blood within her body, weaponizing it however she pleased.
Moreover, she hardly even needed to worry about how much blood she expelled during a battle.
For a human to fully replenish their blood, they'd need about 24 to 48 hours to regenerate the initial volume, and another 4 to 6 weeks for the blood red cells themselves to operate at full capacity once more.
A vampire, on the other hand? Even if they were to lose a limb or two, presuming they weren't afflicted by a hard counter like Holy Power, they'd only need up to a minute for their bodies to refill all the lost volume. And maybe up to an hour for their red blood cells to make a full recovery. Hence why their regenerative prowess was so renowned throughout the supernatural world.
And that was just an ordinary run-of-the-mill vampire, nobles were on a completely different level.
Of course, as a Dhampir, Thora's regeneration factor wasn't as strong as a pureblood.
At least not on its own.
Thanks to over a century of consuming Sebastian's blood in small doses, about once every few months or so, her vampiric factor had strengthened drastically. To the point where she was easily on par with most noble Patriarchs and Matriarchs, eclipsed only by the King and Queen of the two opposing factions. More so the latter than the former, thanks to her blood-giver's intervention some time ago.
"What's wrong? You're looking a little tense there!" Alduin called out, stood a few feet opposite her, clearly eager to see her powers in action.
He's hiding something. Thora wordlessly scrutinized the object of both her affection and loyalty. It's clearly related to Lady Rias' incident, but instead of addressing it, he neglected to answer and invited me to a spar instead. Surely he doesn't believe this is all it'll take to make me drop the subject? You know better than that, Alduin.
The fact that she couldn't read him as well as she normally did at the moment bothered her to no end. Sure, she had realized that something was wrong, but what good did that information alone do? Unless she could at least skim the surface of what that something was, she wouldn't make any progress.
"Your concern is unneeded. I was merely collecting myself." She held her palms a few centimetres from each other, manifesting five individual sanguine orbs. "I hope you're prepared as you believe yourself to be, Young Lord."
Normally, when he realizes I know something's awry, he's quick to speak up about it. But this time he's decided to keep silent despite that realization occurring, which means it's serious. And for him, that normally involves either the Lord, the Lady, or perhaps Lady Leviathan.
Alduin smiled, raising his arm and taunting her to bring it on with his hand.
Or maybe all three.
Convergence, she intoned mentally, slapping her palms together and squeezing the orbs of blood in between her skin. Simultaneously, they all began to compress and condense to their utmost limit at will.
But with how involved I am already with all this, the decision to keep quiet now, of all times, doesn't make sense.
"Heh, the feeling's mutual." His posture straightened, the looming pressure around him, which had been strengthened by his consumption of Tiamat's blood, making it clear that he was taking her seriously.
Piercing Blood!
Multiple arrow-shaped beams of blood exploded out of her hands, shooting towards him as if they had a thousand kilos of gunpowder behind them.
"Sheesh, coming out with something that intense right off the bat? How vicious!" He chuckled despite understanding precisely how much danger he'd be in if he let the scarlet streams hit him.
Two of them are going for either side of my ribcage, and one's aiming straight down the middle. Moments before the streams made contact, Alduin ducked low and coated his hands in a thick layer of Touki, making the awfully bold decision to reach out and grab onto the hardened blood beams in an attempt to wrangle them.
"I had a feeling you'd try that."
Thora made a motion with her hands, and to Alduin's horrific surprise, the arrow-shaped tips of the beams redirected themselves. Effortlessly performing a 180-degree turn and resuming their collision course towards him, while hardly losing any of their initial speed, no less.
As it would seem, Thora's Blood Manipulation had reached a level where inertia barely affected it.
"So much for the law of motion," Alduin sighed. Instantly letting go of the beams and backstepping before creating a wooden spear, primed and ready to sever the deadly tips of the bloody currents.
"I had a feeling you'd respond like that as well." She couldn't help but grin a little.
So far, Thora had only activated three of the five compressed blood orbs.
While her Young Lord's back was turned, she fired a fourth blood beam at him. Effectively creating a pincer attack from both sides.
"Good grief, if I didn't know better, I'd say these attacks of yours are carrying quite a bit of anger with them."
"Really now? I wonder what gave you that impression." She said with an overwhelming amount of sarcasm.
As the streams neared, Alduin decided to make use of a technique he had used against Kiba during his initial arrival to Kuoh Town and dug into the earth. Creating a pocket for him to hide in and sealing the top off with a sturdy, reinforced barrier of wood that even Thora's projectiles couldn't pierce through.
I knew you'd go for that too. At this point, she was wearing a full-blown toothy smile from ear to ear. Instead of turning her fifth and final orb into a stream of Piercing Blood, she tossed it towards the wooden blockage, allowing it to hover above it for a few seconds before making her move.
Supernova!
The orb exploded into a torrent of reinforced blood bullets in all directions, though lacking Piercing Blood's flexibility, they surpassed the technique by miles in terms of raw power. Allowing Thora to destroy the wooden seal covering Alduin in an instant.
"This is why I asked you if you were prepared—"
"Bold of you to assume I wasn't."
Thora froze. Somehow, someway, Alduin's voice had appeared right behind her. His presence was made clear by the shadow on the ground overlapping hers.
But that wasn't the only thing that caught her off guard. In the span of a blink, the terrain in front of her had changed. The hole that Alduin had created, and the bits of scattered, exploded wood that were supposed to be sprawled across the grass, had completely vanished.
As if they were never even there in the first place. Only the bullet holes her Supernova had created remained.
"An illusion!" Thora blurted out in disbelief, burdened with the realization that the entire exchange, from the start to finish, had been naught but a figment of her imagination. This whole time, all she had been doing was attacking empty air.
Damnit! Her face reddened a little in embarrassment.
"You should've known something was wrong the moment I decided to make physical contact with your blood, despite knowing that you're more likely than not capable of manipulating any blood that would've landed on my skin." There was no mocking or judgment in his voice, just pure suggestion. "Granted, this was a spar, and you were unaware that I could create illusions in the first place. So I shoulder part of the blame."
"…Since when?" She felt obligated to ask. The art of being an illusionist was an immensely complex specialty to pursue. A novice couldn't possibly use it as effectively as Alduin just had, yet not once had she seen her Young Lord use anything that even resembled an illusion throughout his life.
Could the Lady have taught him how to do it at some point? If anyone knows how, it'd be her.
"Since I ingested Tiamat's blood," he clarified. "I obtained a power from her, or more accurately, a remnant of her, I like to call Partial Hypnosis. It allows me to manipulate someone's senses directly, though at the moment I'm only capable of altering two at a time. Just now, I manipulated your vision to make you think you were fighting me, and your hearing so the sound of anything I said or did would originate from my false position." He looked at said position. "I also wanted to test how close I needed to be to someone to activate it, and seeing as I was standing about ten feet away from you before we started, I guess it's roughly a three-meter radius. Not terrible, I suppose, but not great either."
"That's… quite the terrifying power you've acquired, Young Lord." One didn't need to be a genius to understand just how frightening the ability to directly affect someone's senses, rather than casting a typical illusion through a barrier or contact was.
He nodded. "Indeed it is, but don't worry, I won't use it again for our spar. I've already learned what I wanted to. I do want you to have a genuine opportunity to hone your Blood Manipulation after all." He rolled his shoulders until they let out a satisfying pop. "Shall we continue?"
She swallowed a nervous gulp before recomposing herself.
"Yes, let's."
———
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