Alex's POV:
*Sigh*
"Okay! You got this! It's just talking to them! I am the royal supreme chef, so it should be fine! Nothing is wrong! Nothing is wrong! They won't go ape shit on me like last time!" I muttered to myself as I steeled myself from what I was about to do.
After hearing of what had become of my juniors, I rushed to think of a way out of this situation, and I came up with a somewhat possible plan. The Nishida Imperial family, specifically the ones pertaining to the emperor, his 1st wife and their children, can pardon almost any crime they want, with just a single word. If I can convince even just one of them that my juniors were wrongly accused, or framed, or whatever, and that there is more benefit in letting them live, then regardless of what that stick in the mud inquisitor does, they'll be off the hook, as long as they get out of the capital right after. Problem is, each and every one of these people are stuck up, spoiled, childish, self-righteous, ignorant, selfish, greedy, self-centered, entitled pricks, who won't listen to a single word you say if you as much as look at them wrong. It's the reason we had to go through the pain of kidnapping that stuck up princess in the first place, because my boss, being the arrogant asshole that he is, don't mix well with their kind. I have lost count of how many times I had to suffer because of a single bad word they heard about me, or any other representatives we have tried to send here in the past. If their opinion of our representative drops even just slightly in their eyes, any progress we made, if its not complete by that time, will be set straight back to square one, as they absolutely refuse to go along with any agreements made by someone they seem as suspicious, even if it turns out to be groundless slander in the end. Just thinking about it makes me angry.
After strengthening my resolve for what's to come I opened the door to greet the crown prince, and newly renamed Kiko the scourge, I mean, 1st princess Nishida Kiko. Only to get a surprising twist I probably should have expected but somehow, never saw coming. When I last saw the prince a couple of months ago, or rather, when I spotted the princess a couple of weeks ago, she had been as slim as they come. And yet, what stood before me was two human balls of fat with faces and hair on them. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes, and thought maybe someone was playing a prank on me by trying to disguise two boulders as the royal family, but no, I could clearly hear their labored breaths, so these two creatures were definitely not inanimate objects.
"…! Pft! Ngh!" I hurried to kneel, as I tried my best to not show the smirk on my face.
"Is this the one? The master chef who made all those delicacies!" The chubby prince asked, as a servant, his folds jiggling with every word.
In all my years of being alive, I have never wanted to laugh as much as I do right now, but if I do, its game over. I knew these foods were extremely high in calories, but its only been a couple of weeks, how did they get this fat so fast?
"Hm? Is something the matter? You seem a bit, unwell! You are not ill are you?" The crown prince asked me.
"Ngh! Noao! Ah I, ahm, jhust AH, little flustered at your MH-Mahjestic figure, your highness!" I stuttered out, trying my best to keep myself from laughing, as every moment I look at these two pains in my ass like this, I can feel another bout of laughter bubbling up.
"Hm? Well, no matter! We have called you here today to request that you prepare some for a banquet that shall be held in a month from now!"
"Pft! Your royahl ha-highness thehe crown pr-hi-ince and pri-hi-incess has heheld ha number of banquets ahs of late hahave y-you not?"
"Hm? Have we? I don't recall hosting any feasts in recent times! How about Kiko?"
"No, I have not! On pa-! On father's request, I have held back on arranging any such festivities for now!"
"Thehen whahat about yesterday's chocolate extravaganza?"
"Hm? Oh, yes! I did quite enjoy those! I praise your skill, for the heavens have not only blessed you as a chef, but as an artist! Masterfully done!"
"I concur! Especially the one sculpted after me and my darling! You captured our image so perfectly, twas as if you had dyed a moment of the future in chocolate! It all tasted marvelous as well! Perfect for ending our family dinner wouldn't you say father!"
Holy shit! Did these guys just eat all that by themselves. Every day this week, we had been putting ourselves through the ringer making enough desserts for a whole banquet, each and every day, but it was all eaten by just these two. I'm not sure whether to be horrified, disgusted, or impressed they survived eating enough calories to feed a small village on a daily basis, but at least I know how they got this obese so quickly.
*Thump*
*Thump*
*Thump*
Just as I had thought the worst was over, I heard, no I felt, the whole room shake with each footstep of whatever creature was walking past me. I hurried to lower my gaze to the ground. I can't look up, for what I am imagining right now has already put me on the edge. If, if it is really what I think, then just looking at it would mean my doom.
"Raise your head! *Burp*!" Said the person who just waltzed past me to take a seat.
"…"
"Hm? Did you not hear me *Fart*"
"*Inhale* … *inhale* … *inhale*!"
I kept inhaling as I tried to force something, but for some reason my words seemed to be stuck in my throat, so I just ended up taking in more and more air until my lungs just couldn't anymore.
"Hmph! Are you deaf, or just foolish! I said, raise your head, or are you defying your *burp* emperor?" He said, in an angry tone.
Oh, screw it. At this point I'm dead regardless. I raised my head.
I don't remember much from what happened next as I ended up collapsing from oxygen deprivation soon after, but apparently, my laughter was so loud, so legendary, that it shook the palace, and could be heard even from outside the capital.
I am honestly not sure whether to consider the fact that I can't recall what the emperor looked like as a blessing or a curse, as it's probably the funniest thing I will ever experience, but at the same time, a potential threat to my life as I might actually laugh myself to death should I remember it.