"Ahem…"
Alan awkwardly fastened his belt, looking at the four dumbfounded Robins. "A spider got in my pants," he explained with a straight face. "You have to believe me."
"Nanaue believes Master," Nanaue said, having already drawn a black circle around his eye socket to serve as his Robin mask. The reason Alan hadn't brought his "Comedy Troupe" along was the rain; their makeshift masks would have washed away.
"Good boy, my most loyal Shark Robin." Alan nodded with satisfaction at Nanaue. "I'll help you find a pink dolphin later."
"Yay! Nanaue likes pink dolphins!" Nanaue danced with joy.
The Joker, the Riddler, and the Penguin looked on with utter exasperation. The team was getting more ridiculous by the day, now with a fool in their midst.
"Back to the matter at hand."
Everyone gathered around the metal conference table. "Gotham is in deep trouble," Alan said grimly. "Batman's not-so-brilliant mind has fallen for the Meow-wl Court's trap again…"
"Shouldn't that be the Court of Owls?" Edward asked, confused.
"The Meow-wl Court sounds cuter. I'm verbally belittling them," Alan explained. "The Meow-wl Court has invited Count Dracula, which has, in turn, attracted the pure-bloods. After some initial communication, it's clear the two groups don't get along. I think we need to form an anti-vampire team."
"We've beaten vampires once before. Can't we handle them again?" Cobblepot scoffed. After the last vampire invasion, they had all become a bit overconfident.
"They can use magic, and they can fly," Alan added.
"I believe it is absolutely essential to establish a team of superhumans. I wholeheartedly endorse the Hilarious Bat's proposal," Cobblepot declared, his opinion changing in the blink of an eye. The half-bloods had been easy to deal with, but the mention of magic and flight sent a shiver down his spine. They were all mere mortals; facing a bunch of cheaters with special powers required a different approach.
"One Dracula is already giving me a headache. Add the pure-bloods and the Talon army, and even I think this is getting tricky," Alan admitted, for once not acting completely reckless. "I suspect Batman deliberately dumped this mess on me. And we're fighting this alone, with no outside help." Facing Dracula, he had sensed a genuine threat. He wasn't afraid of dying, but he couldn't guarantee the safety of the Joker, Riddler, and Penguin.
"Perhaps we can contact the Justice League or the Avengers," Edward suggested. "They wouldn't stand by and do nothing."
"I refuse," Alan said stubbornly. "I, the Hilarious Bat, am a figure of great renown. Asking for help would make me look useless."
"…" The others desperately wanted to point out that Alan's fame was nowhere near that of the Justice League, but since they weren't the ones on the front lines, they held their tongues.
"Unita," Alan called out.
"I am here." Unita's hologram appeared beside him.
"I need a list," Alan said after a moment of thought. "Non-humans only. No 'no-kill' rule like the superheroes. And they have to be as sane as I am."
"…" Unita paused, processing whether "as sane as Alan" meant sane or insane. A moment later, a holographic file appeared.
As Alan scrolled through the pages, he asked, "Unita, how do you have their files?" The individuals listed were no ordinary people.
"I have secretly linked to the networks of S.H.I.E.L.D., A.R.G.U.S., and other organizations, allowing me unrestricted access to information. I can even hack into Batman's computer," Unita said proudly.
Alan's eyebrow shot up. "Can you also remotely take over Iron Man's suit or infect Cyborg's data center with a virus?" he asked with a sinister grin.
"If the Commander requires it, Unita can do it," she said, puffing out her chest, the holographic projection rippling.
"Ahem… We are men of justice. I was just asking," Alan said quickly, then muttered to himself, "My dear child, so filial. Your father is very pleased." He quickly marked several names on the list.
"Now, for the first step. I will make arrangements to face the crisis of the Dark Multiverse." Alan tapped the table, and a virtual model popped up.
"Master, what is the Dark Multiverse crisis?" Nanaue asked, his finger in his mouth.
"It's a long story," Alan began. "A portal to the Dark Multiverse will open, and we'll have to face various versions of Batman. Imagine the entire Justice League, but they're all evil Batmen, led by the Bat-God himself."… He's insane. How could there be so many Batmen? The other three criminal Robins didn't believe a word of it.
"Don't worry. Everything is under my control," Alan declared. "Unita, I need to create an anti-Justice League armor. Analyze the data for me. And make it look cool."
"Of course, Commander."
"First target: the Vampire Progenitor, Drake. Location: Sahara Desert." The table displayed an image of an ancient vampire, a contemporary of Dracula and the first of the half-blood variants.
"One question," Edward interjected. "How do we get from America to Africa?"
Alan stared wide-eyed at Unita, who promptly displayed a holographic model of the Earth dotted with glowing points. "The Arkham Fortress is equipped with quantum teleportation technology," she explained, "with three hundred and sixty-five coordinates spread across the globe."
"That's awesome!" Alan zoomed in on the Sahara Desert. There was indeed a teleportation point, though it was several dozen kilometers from their target.
The table then split open, revealing a display of various vehicle models. "Commander," Unita said, "these are vehicles shrunk with Pym Particles. Please choose one." There were submarines, battleships, all-terrain combat vehicles, heavily armed helicopters, and even a fighter jet capable of short-term space flight. The seemingly ordinary fortress was a treasure trove of advanced technology.
In the Sahara Desert, an endless expanse of golden sand, the sun beat down, its light reflecting blindingly off the surface. With a shimmer of distorted space, five figures appeared.
"Ah! So bright! My eyes! My eyes are going blind!" Alan cried, shielding his eyes and fumbling for his sunglasses. The other four Robins had come prepared with their own. Nanaue, for whom no sunglasses could be found, had two pieces of tinted plastic film stuck over his eyes.
A helicopter model was placed on the ground. With the press of a button, it expanded to its full size.
"It's time to show you some real skill!" Alan declared, hopping into the pilot's seat and waving for the others to get in. They hesitated, wondering if he even knew how to fly. They reluctantly climbed aboard, watching as he curiously poked and prodded at the controls like a child with a new toy.
"How do you start this thing?" Alan asked the Joker, who was in the co-pilot's seat.
Arthur forced a smile that looked more like a grimace. "Boss, maybe I should fly. I have experience."
"I found the switch!" Alan jabbed a large red button.
WHOOSH!
A missile, suspended from the wing, launched into the distance, exploding against a sand dune. Edward and Cobblepot gripped their armrests, their bodies pressed tightly against their seats. Nanaue, remembering Alan's deep-sea transport piloting, fastened two seatbelts across his chest.
With Arthur's guidance, the helicopter lifted off, albeit shakily, feeling as if it would crash at any moment.
"Don't worry, I've already mastered the art of flying! Yee-haw!" Alan yanked the control stick, and the helicopter shot straight up. He was having the time of his life. His passengers, however, were on the verge of a heart attack.
"Yee-haw! I am the conqueror of the skies!" The helicopter plummeted, then shot back up, then performed a full 360-degree roll.
BLEGH!
Edward was the first to break, leaning out the cabin door and vomiting a rainbow. "Dude," he said, looking at Cobblepot with admiration, "you're amazing. You haven't even flinched."
"I… I peed myself."
They both looked at Nanaue, who seemed completely unfazed. "The son of a demigod is truly something else. He doesn't look bothered at all."
"Such a terrifying constitution. It's beyond comprehension."
Hearing their praise, Nanaue turned his head woodenly. "Huh?" he said, and a stream of undigested food poured from his mouth.
"Wasn't my technique awesome?" Alan asked Arthur, beaming with pride.
"Awesome, awesome, hehehehe…" Arthur couldn't control his laughter, tears streaming down his face. He wanted to cry, but his condition wouldn't let him.
"You're such an optimistic person," Alan said, looking at him with admiration. "Always a smile on your face."
Optimistic? I was designed to be a madman of despair and sorrow! Arthur was beginning to realize that the only way to cure his own mental illness was to stay by Alan's side. He felt so much more normal in comparison…. Less than an hour later, in the center of the desert, the ruins of an ancient structure came into view.
This was their destination: the prison of the Vampire Progenitor, Drake.
[Chapter Complete]
***
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