On the way to find the reasons to be happy, responsible, & independent. Life seems meaningless. I am waking up daily bunking & missing the college lectures with some or the other excuses as I don't feel like studying. My parents are worried about what has happened to me. Is there something wrong? Has something bad occured in college? which makes me avoid it. The answer is 'No' .I just don't know what has happened to me. That I don't feel like being myself. I want to be with myself.Need a break from this schedule of mine. A time for myself.
I am going through a process of healing. After learning to speak up & being social . And getting its consequences which means losing all those people who were once my closed ones .Who knew most of me & my secrets . But now we are back to being strangers . Like we were When we first met .Life has given me one of the most important lessons : " NO ONE IS PERMANENT IN LIFE ". The close ones told me to find a replacement for them as they won't be there for me always.
The only thing they told me before going away was
" FORGET THE PAST AND MOVE ON,
EVEN THOUGH WE WONT TALK OR SEE EACH OTHER.
WHENEVER YOU NEED US CLOSE YOUR EYES,
AND SEE WE WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE BY YOUR SIDE.
WE KNOW YOU CAN FIND YOUR GLORY,
AND REMEMBER WE ARE ALWAYS HERE."
I understand what they said . But I am unable to move on .Currently everyone has high hopes .That I will study hard , be smart and most importantly become an independent working woman in future. While transforming that way. I got lost & now I am feeling hopeless about my own self.
I wake up, try to avoid going to college and sit peacefully in the garden. Where no one knows me. Listening to music , chillie breeze , a bench in between the trees where birds are chirping. Just me and my art supplies. Later on I would go to classes. Where I won't listen to what the faculty is teaching.I am busy with my own drawing and playing games on mobile. Going back home and sleeping. Nothing new occurs.
Daily staying 12 hrs outside home . I am already in a stituation of an adult who is doing an internship.Where I would get some time to go home but just to eat and sleep. When I don't have time for myself or to talk to my parents, I forget about any relatives or friends. When I am a ' ROBOT ' who is working and resting, nothing new happens.Now i don't have friends with whom i could share this which makes it even more worsen and sorrowful.
Even before going into the world of adults. I can feel the stress , pain and loneliness which comes. All the responsibilities and hopes of relatives give burden instead of motivation. Living like this feels like a zombie who doesn't feel anything but knows that it needs to survive . I am doing the same just surviving without enjoying the one and only life that I have. It gives the feeling of being lost. Where am I actually ???
Not sure what I want to do or achieve ? I am pursuing the career which my father told me to. It's not like he is forcing me to do this course . I am given the right to say and change to any course that I want but there's me who doesn't know what shebwants to do. After finishing this degree there is another mission waiting for me . Given by my coach . There are many missions / tasks which I need to achieve by the age 25 ( before marriage ) . but all this task may be from different fields yet the aim of them is the same :
"I SHOULD BECOME A WORKING LADY".
Which makes me feel blessed . I am extremely fortunate that everyone is there for me. My family,friends,and everyone who is part of my life has always shown me the path where I should go. And no one pressured me to do something specifically . Yet, I am lost.
They all support and have high hopes for me. Reminds me not to give up . and continue moving forward . Having no idea what to do in the past few days, I just feel like doing nothing. I don't feel like talking to anyone . I feel hungry but don't want to eat anything else other than sweets . I feel like being caught in a cage . even after having the freedom to do everything I want to do. I want to cry but I don't have someone to sob with. I want to share but my trust issues wont let me do that either. Which makes me want to write . my first and best option to share everything.
I am lost and miserable that I can't face my parents even after staying under the same roof with them. Where am I ? What do I really want to do ? What am I doing with myself ? I don't want my parents to worry about me.
The darkness I can feel in a situation like this scares me. No one's there to accompany me in this journy. I have to find my path myself with all the lessons which life,elders and friends have taught me. I am sure I will find a way out from here . There is still a little ray of sunlight in this forest of darkenss. To show me the path out of the maze I am stuck at. I will keep on searching for it till I am able to find my happiness.
I love to be alone , therefore I will for sure be able to find my ways of enjoying my own company and finding the way out . It is going to be difficult . but a new adventure is awaiting for me. I have no other option but to give it a try.