A branch snapped.
A bird screamed.
The goddess shrieked as she slammed face-first into a glowing mushroom bush like a divine meteor of regret.
Finn cratered into the dirt nearby with all the grace of a flying ham hitting a Walmart parking lot.
"AUGHHH! MY ASS! MY SPINE! MY ASS! MY BEAUTIFUL ASS!"
He writhed, clutching his cheeks like they were national treasures. Leaves stuck to his hoodie, twigs poked out of places twigs shouldn't be, and his dignity had entered witness protection.
After a few wheezes and a very professional self-pat-down, he blinked in disbelief. "I… I'm alive! Holy crap, I made it!"
A grin broke across his face. "HAHA! I'M ALIVE, BABY!"
And then it hit him.
"…Wait. Where's Lady Thighsticles?"
As if summoned by disrespect alone, a shrill voice exploded through the forest:
"YOU ABSOLUTE HUMAN SHITSTAIN!"
She burst out of the mushroom bush like an angry fashion model mid-breakdown—golden hair frizzed, leaves in her crown, and divine fury radiating from her eyeballs.
"MY HAIR is ruined, my GRAPES are GONE, and I'm standing here BAREFOOT in a CIRCLE OF DISGUST!"
Finn scrambled upright, hands raised like a guy about to get tased.
"Whoa, whoa! Let's think this through—maybe talk it out like emotionally constipated adults—wait—actually, yes, please put your hands on me. Punish me, mommy."
The intrusive thought had won. And he wasn't even sorry.
She recoiled, full-body cringe. The divine glow around her hands fizzled out like a fart in church.
"…Nevermind."
Finn brushed himself off, glancing around at the ominous, slightly glowing trees. "Okay but seriously, where are we?"
The goddess immediately looked away and started whistling like an anime side character about to flee responsibility.
His eye twitched. "Where. Are. We."
She tapped her fingers together and mumbled, "…Skull Forest."
His soul flatlined.
"You were gonna drop me off in a place called Skull Forest?! That sounds like the budget version of Skull Island! What's next, 'Death Lake'? 'Murder Ravine'? 'Rape Swamp'?!!"
She placed her fingers on her head, tilted it with a fake-cute smile. "Oopsies! Silly me~."
Finn lunged, grabbing her by the surprisingly soft divine shoulders and shaking her like she owed him firstborns.
"FIRST I GET TRUCKED, THEN YOU OFFER ME SHELTER CARE POWERS, AND NOW YOU TRY TO DUMP ME IN 'SKULL FOREST'? YOU'RE NOT A GODDESS—YOU'RE A DAMN BITCH ON HEELS!"
Rustling came from one of the nearby bushes.
Finn and the goddess snapped their heads toward it like two raccoons caught shoplifting.
A tiny goblin waddled out in a brown tunic, smiling like he worked retail. "Hey there!" he said, waving enthusiastically like a tutorial NPC from a game you uninstall after five minutes.
Without hesitation, Finn launched himself forward and drop-kicked the goblin in the face.
The goblin flew backwards with a squeal, flopping into the dirt like a rejected Muppet.
The goddess's jaw hit the forest floor. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Finn looked back over his shoulder. "What? It's an ugly goblin. What else was I supposed to do?"
Her eyes blazed. "THAT GOBLIN WAS SUPPOSED TO GREET YOU!"
He glanced down at the groaning goblin, then back up at her. "Why would you send a goblin? I was expecting, like… a hot demi-human or something. With cat ears. Maybe jiggly bits."
The goddess clutched her temples. "You entitled little shit stain!"
"Me? You're the one walking around like divine royalty and whining about grapes!"
"Oh I'm so sorry that I care about my hair, hygiene, and basic standards of treatment!"
Finn crossed his arms. "Well, that wasn't a very welcoming first impression."
Suddenly, a weak voice chimed in:
"Well excuse me for trying my best."
They turned.
The goblin was on one knee, rubbing his head.
Finn squinted. "Ew. It talks?"
He barely finished the sentence before getting smacked in the back of the head by the goddess. "Shut up. He's supposed to direct us."
The goblin stood fully, brushing himself off. "My name is Larry," he said with a strained smile. Then he gestured politely. "And you two are—?"
The goddess stepped forward, brushing dirt off her glowing shoulder. "I am the goddess known as—
CHOMP.
Out of nowhere, a massive wolf lunged from the trees and swallowed Larry whole like a goblin-flavored Fruit Roll-Up.
"AAAAAAA!" the goddess screamed at the sight of the towering black wolf before her. "F-Finn?!"
To her horror, Finn was already gone—sprinting into the trees like a roach when the lights come on.
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" she shrieked, chasing after him in full panic-tears mode.
Finn glanced back mid-sprint. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STAY AWAY! I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!"
"FINN!" she sobbed, hands outstretched like a creepy uncle asking his niece for a hug at Thanksgiving.
Behind them, the monstrous wolf thundered forward, knocking over trees with each step like a drunken dad looking for his kids in the middle of a custody battle.
The goddess started lagging behind, her golden feet stumbling over roots. The wolf was gaining. Fast.
"FINN, PLEASE! I'M SORRY! YOU CAN'T LET A GODDESS DIE!" She cried like a Discord kitten who just got ghosted.
"WHY SHOU—" He glanced back—and immediately regretted his humanity.
Each step she took made her divine assets bounce like they were calling his name in slow motion.
'Fiiiiiinnn… do the right thing…'
Finn narrowed his eyes, inhaled deeply, and exhaled like a man accepting his perverted destiny.
"I know what I must do."
The wolf opened its slobbering jaws wide, saliva stringing between its fangs as it lunged for a holy snack.
CHOMP.
Bones snapped. Flesh tore.
But not hers.
Finn had dove in at the last second, grabbing her legs and yanking her out of death's jaws—though his ass just barely dodged getting turned into ground beef.
"AAAAA!" he screamed, clutching his rear. He slapped his cheek. Still there. He exhaled. "Phew."
The goddess clung to him, eyes glistening. "Th-thank you, Finn! I was wrong about you!"
She glanced down, noticing how easily he held her with one arm. "I didn't know you carried that kind of strength…"
Finn gave a confident smirk, flexing slightly. "Years of intense experience."
Deep down, he knew exactly how he'd gained that strength.
'Six hours of Gacha games… thirty minutes of existential dread… and forty-five minutes of wrist day.'
"Okay, that's real nice—but it's catching up to us!" she cried out.
Finn glanced back. "OH SHIT!"
The wolf was just centimeters behind them, its breath practically melting the trees. He mustered every ounce of strength he had and ran like his GPA depended on it.
They tore through trees, bushes, glowing mushrooms, and roots like a pair of deranged mall walkers. Up ahead—an edge. A cliff. A "Welcome to the void" level drop-off.
The goddess's eyes widened. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THAT LEADS OFF A DAMN CLIFF!" She smacked the back of his head.
"STOP HITTING ME, YOU WINCH! THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION WE GOT!"
As the treeline ended, Finn dug deep into his poor cardio reserves and took a flying leap of faith off the edge.
Air whooshed past them. Gravity slapped them like it had a vendetta.
Finn looked down—and immediately wished he hadn't.
His brown eyes went wide in horror. The goddess's expression mirrored his.
"OH MY GOD!" they screamed in perfect panic harmony.
And then they fell—spiraling, screaming, and plunging straight into the unknown.