"It's okay. It's not your fault."
I told him. Still remember his preferences about turning the lights on. Just moved my eyes to take a look if the lights were on. Again, looked at him. Again, he was looking down.
I know I had no right to touch him, but I had no option. I held his chin and pulled it up to meet those eyes with hidden desires. He looked at me, I could read the guilts he was holding there. "It's okay. I am here. I can help you to sleep." I moved the small hairs from his forehead. I can still feel those emotions he felt just after hearing my line. Maybe I can not ask him, in that situation. Things were wise between us. Never allow us to ask anything. Still counting, hoping for the end.
"Close your eyes, it's okay," I said as he did. I slowly stroke his hair even after knowing he doesn't need it, as the strong movement took it away. Fine, at least, he needed a company. Maybe, someone to let him feel, someone can be an option instead of his pills. I was there, making myself for it. Still finding some ways to fit. Make him fit.
Luka Modric is a piece of shit. He is not only a footballer, but also a damn player. Chasing someone is easy cause it always comes from others. You don't have to pay. He was a slave, he was an odalisque. Why is he considered as third person, when he was ready to pay more? Judgments should always matter in the profession. Cause personally, he is horrible...
Suddenly, my mind was telling me those rumours. What is still flying at its low point? My ears heard those lines a few years ago. I know half of its full story. Maybe I don't care about his past or background. But I can clearly say, that most of the footballers hate him personally. I would never ask why. I didn't like him much either. But not personally.
I looked at him, while he was sleeping peacefully. His innocent face doesn't say all the things were true. But you can't judge a book by its cover. A human's beautiful face is covered when the heart is filled with thorns. Nobody knows any next movements.
Not just there was an innocent face. There were a few more things to matter. His movements, his hidden reactions, his unsaid lines, unseen pain. If I say from my point of view, I have indeed seen his pain enough. But it was not for not getting someone or achieving anything or chasing anything. It was for any other reason. I don't know. Deep down I feel. He is so broken. But the reason is killing him, still. When I witnessed the moment of his emotion, he even confirmed to me that it was not for my rudeness. It doesn't mean, yes, he took it all my behaviours. It meant something else.
Something was always there in him. I don't know. Only asking about those specific things wouldn't help to know the exact. People like him often remain masters of hiding pains and suffering alone. I know some types, as I consider myself a master of observing people. Like, I observed him a lot. And I made myself sure about certain things.
It was not all rumours. It was him, in a specific way, always as an option but not as a third person. He was maintaining his responsibility as a friend or more than a friend. He had no other intentions. He couldn't prove himself right for insufficient company or of course, for someone's out-of-limit community, I gave a name- Overrated in every way.
The last point is notable. Maybe I would ask only one. I smelled the scent he spread out unintentionally. He only wanted to consume it. But didn't work for me.
Otherwise, I do not have any suitable ideas about my next steps after asking questions. I know maybe I won't get much time to think about it, let alone taking steps. We have Euro on the way. Next month. But I won't let it go. I am somehow confused. It somehow fully depends on him.
Maybe I do not care about him much. But sometimes, I wonder what would I do, if he told me he would live his entire life with me. Or, he wanted the wedding?