The Common Sense Condiment—Major Mustard, Chapter Sixteen:
"Holy Plot Holes, Batman! Religion, Remix, and the Great Afterlife Waiting Room"
Introduction
Welcome to the spiritual circus, where every church claims to have the "real truth," but the only thing they all agree on is that you're probably doing it wrong. It's a holy remix—one week, dancing is a sin; next week, it's fine as long as you Venmo the pastor. Meanwhile, the Bible says all sins are equal, so if you skipped Sunday brunch with your mom, congrats—you're in the same afterlife club as murderers. Hope you like your eternal roommate, Adolf!
The Great Bible Edit-Off
Let's talk about "authenticity." You really think only Jesus's inner circle wrote the Bible and no government ever tweaked it? Please. That book's had more edits than a Kardashian selfie. You think emperors and popes just let the peasants freestyle? Nah, they were slipping in rules like, "Obey authority," "Pay your taxes," and "Don't question the guy in the fancy hat." Divine inspiration? More like a medieval HR manual with a side of crowd control.
Hypocrisy: The House Special
The real comedy is how churches love to roast everyone else's flaws while ignoring their own. The choir lady can gossip all she wants, but if you show up with tattoos, suddenly you're the Antichrist. They preach "love thy neighbor," then split the church over the color of the carpet. If Jesus came back today and didn't fit their expectations—wrong look, wrong background, maybe missing a few parts—they'd probably kick him out for not having the right paperwork.
Denomination Olympics
Shoutout to all the denominations—Baptists, Catholics, Pentecostals, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and everyone in between. Y'all are proof that when it comes to religion, the only thing holier than thou… is the plot holes. #cat ho l ic ((k(#$) i am woah man hear me r+oar? meow lol
The Afterlife Waiting Room
Makes you wonder if heaven's waiting room is just a bunch of kids from SaFe Haven or Getin Hey vins who forgot to call their mother!
Imagine Saint Peter at the pearly gates, clipboard in hand:
"Did you tithe?"
"Did you gossip?"
"Did you text your mom back?"
Sorry, you're in purgatory until you apologize for skipping brunch and not RSVPing to the church potluck.
Closing Thought
So, tag your favorite churchgoers, pastors, and Sunday school teachers—let's see who's got a sense of humor and who's just practicing their "holier-than-thou" face. Because in the end, if heaven's waiting room is full of kids who forgot to call their moms, you better hope yours is still taking collect calls.
#HolyPlotHoles #MajorMustardRoast #DivineRemix #AfterlifeLOL #CallYourMother