The air inside was thick, and I felt like I was walking through soup. It was that kind of atmosphere where you wonder if the world is messing with you on purpose. The whispers? They'd moved from "mildly irritating" to "definitely my ex trying to get my attention again," and the further I went in, the more I was convinced that this cave was just a really big metaphor for bad decisions.
At this point, I was just hoping for a bathroom break or maybe a nice snack machine. Maybe the cave was going to offer a free mystical snack to the Chosen One. (Spoiler: I'm not the Chosen One, but I do have a good track record with snack machines.)
Then it hit me: this place didn't feel like it was waiting for me to save anything. It felt like it was waiting for me to make another mistake, and I was so here for it.
"Alright, cave. Do your worst," I muttered, half-expecting a bat to swoop down and carry me away like some kind of weird fantasy kidnapping.
As I trudged forward, trying to make sense of the mossy surroundings, I stepped on something a little... slippier than I expected. My foot skidded out from under me like I'd just stepped onto a freshly waxed floor. And down I went, right into the welcoming embrace of a door.
I was half-sure the door would be the thing that killed me—why not? Everything else seemed to be trying to. But the moss under me cushioned the fall, and—after an awkward, graceless roll—I found myself standing again. Or, at least, sort of standing.
There was a door ahead. Not much of a choice here. I pushed it open.
If you're ever looking for a place to test your luck, might I suggest not this corridor? It had all the classic features: swinging axes, darting arrows, floor spikes, and flame vents that probably belonged in some overzealous architect's fever dream.
But before all that, there was a mural on the wall. A very important mural, which I decided to inspect closely.
"Huh, that guy's head is flying off weird," I muttered to myself, tilting my head.
And, because I'm clearly a genius, I leaned in just a little closer.
That's when my foot made contact with the pressure plate.
Cue everything at once. Every trap, every single one, was now activated. And me? I was in the middle of all of it.
First, I tripped over my own sword. Again. This was becoming a pattern.
Next, I landed face-first in front of a flame vent. It fired just as I fell... but miraculously, I managed to roll and avoid the brunt of it, only to land directly on the one spot of floor that didn't seem to be trying to kill me.
Then my monster whistle—yes, the one I'm not going to explain right now—bounced off the ground and triggered another pressure plate. Which summoned the tiniest, most vicious slime I had ever seen.
It didn't last long. One arrow whizzed by, skewering it like a miniature kebab.
All the traps were triggered early. The floor was a disaster. But me? I emerged from the chaos, covered in soot and slime, looking like I'd just had a one-sided fight with a tornado.
"Yeah, that went well," I muttered to no one in particular.
I staggered into the next room, which looked suspiciously like the setup for an ancient museum exhibit. A glowing pedestal sat in the center, framed by ancient relics and ominous, almost theatrical lighting.
On the pedestal? A black crystal orb, embedded in a twisted metal claw. It radiated cold energy, and I could feel the chills crawling up my spine just by looking at it.
Now, I had a brilliant plan. Really. I was going to sit down and catch my breath. I was tired, covered in goo, and starting to feel like I might've made a mistake somewhere.
I leaned on the pedestal to sit down, and that's when it happened.
The orb flared. And a system notification flashed before my eyes:
[
Artifact Bound: [Cursed Core of Whispers]
Title Gained: "Reluctant Depths Diver"
Skill Unlocked: "Unintentional Evasion"
Status Effect: "??? – Dormant"
]
"...What?"
I looked down at my hand. It wasn't glowing. That was probably good. The orb had stopped pulsing and was now just... floating there. Judging me. Quietly humming like it didn't know how to feel about the last five seconds.
"Well, that's unsettling."
Then came the tremor.
The entire chamber groaned as something clicked behind me. I turned—slowly—and watched as one of the larger suits of armor standing against the wall lit up from within. A deep, red glow filled its hollow helmet, and its joints creaked to life with the smooth menace of a nightmare stretching after a nap.
Its sword dropped into its hand like it had been waiting centuries just for this moment.
"Oh come on," I muttered. "I didn't even loot anything yet."
The thing took one heavy step forward. Its sword hit the ground with a CLANG that reverberated through my spleen. It raised its blade slowly, theatrically.
"Okay," I said, backing up, "no sudden movements. Maybe it's vision-based. Maybe if I act really uninteresting—"
It charged.
I screamed.
And that's when things got weirdly lucky.
I turned to run and tripped on my own sword, faceplanting just as the armor swung. The blade whooshed over me, cleaving empty air.
"UNINTENTIONAL EVASION ACTIVATED," the system chirped in my ear.
Gee, thanks.
I scrambled to my feet—mostly—and pulled out the first thing I could grab from my bag: Rocko, the googly-eyed rock of spiritual disappointment.
"I don't want to die like this!" I yelled, and flung it.
Rocko flew in a majestic arc, bounced off the armor's helmet, then clattered across the floor and hit the pedestal again.
That's when the orb reacted.
A pulse of shadowy energy exploded from the pedestal, surging through the room like an angry bass drop. The Living Armor staggered. Its glow flickered. It raised its sword again—
And exploded.
Not in fire or gore. Just... collapsed. All the magic binding it gone. Pieces of metal hit the floor like a dropped toolbox, and the helmet rolled to my feet.
I stared. "Did I win?"
SYSTEM UPDATE:
> Dungeon Cleared!
> Reward: Artifact Claimed
> Bonus: Style Points (0)
> Initiating Emergency Ejection Protocol...
The floor gave way.
I didn't even get to scream before I was sliding down a long, curved tunnel, bouncing off walls, occasionally hitting what might've been very surprised bats. My only comfort was that I didn't see any more goats.
After a long, rattling descent, I was launched out of a hidden cave entrance and landed with a splash in a shallow pond just outside the village. The artifact was still in my hand. The sword? Somehow wedged in my belt.
I emerged, gasping and muddy, just in time for three villagers and a returning adventuring party to witness my triumphant rise from the depths like a war god with allergies.
Someone whispered, "He's covered in demon ash..."
Another said, "He must've gone in through the front. That place was full of monsters!"
One wide-eyed little girl stared at me and gasped, "Is he glowing?!"
No. I was just slimy. But I said nothing. I just stood there, trying not to pass out.
The guild promoted me to Silver Rank that evening.