While sharing our daily "routines" I was getting attached with this guy. Damn do I fall in love quickly or something? Or I'm just being stupid to get attached easily? "Oh well, whatever" I said in my head. I was already used to being ghosted after liking someone or at least a flinch for them so I thought "though he seems nice and might even reject me politely or accept me since we're quite similar to each other.. maybe he even likes me back, maybe I'm just being delusional, maybe he doesn't wanna take that step, maybe he's also like me too" I had thought a lot in my head while just being attached to him. He basically has my time, replies me fast and speak calmly to me to gently help me with whatever it is that is troubling me whatsoever.
One thing.. he corrects the hell outta someone hahahahaha and sometimes it's annoying, sometimes it's embarrassing.. most times it's embarrassing because I thought I was "perfect" in my English and the way I use my words but then, I realized after I met him, my "perfectness" is so shabby and tattered and not so perfect at all.. not even close to half of he's. So I became cautious of how I use my words when I'm talking to him, I became very careful and cautious not to make any mistake while talking to him..
I fell for him, he fell for me, but he often pushed me away so as not to fall deeper than I had already. He was somewhat cold and harsh towards me at that time because I guess he didn't want to get attached to me. So, I took the initiative to ask him one day, why he was pushing me away and he said he wasn't that he's just like that because people he loved and cared about left him and I asked him to elaborate more on that, which he did. He said he loved a lady for years I think.. (I had forgotten due to my forgetfulness) they promised to be with each other and take care of each other but I the end she eloped with a guy. She broke her promise with him and didn't stand by her word. She travelled to another country and got married there without informing him or anything. Which really hurt him deeply because he had dream about her and him together the day before.. but before he knew about this, he had lost contact with her for 2 years and he had sent letters to her but she didn't reply him not even once. But then, last year.. they met and now she was carrying a baby in her belly. She had a bump (he told me) and he was crying and hurting so bad and was even disgusted with himself that she didn't do this with him but instead went away with another guy to build a family with him.
He said all this while crying and emotionally damaged and me.. all I could do was reassure him that a better person will be there for him and that he deserved better than he expected.. but he told me he didn't deserve anything or anyone that he's just living like a dead person and that no one notices his pain and suffering.. meanwhile me, being a cheerful confused girl as I used to be still tried my best in consolidating him and falling helplessly for him more and more. I even begged him several times not to do the unthinkable to himself, that other people cares about him and that he should just live his best life and move on, but he told me he told me he couldn't move on..
Damn! There's nothing I could do at this point, I've tried my best as a lazy girl to console and sympathize with him and encourage him to move on.. but he was stubborn but also in my mind "I want to make this guy the happiest person and make him understand and feel what love meant" I didn't have any idea on how to do that.