Dad realized I didn't care about my phone like other teenagers a long time ago. All the phone did was increase my pain. Back then, when I'd get bad grades, he'd take it away but see me unbothered. Unbothered because at least I could go out and see Maya. So now he left me my phone and just banned me from leaving the house.
Because of that, I was able to text Logan and devise a plan to sneak out on Thursday for the party. It felt strange. I'd always been a good kid, despite everything. Never in trouble, never having bad grades, never disobeying orders. Until when we moved here permanently. My dad's job used to move him around a lot, until it settled him here. After that, things started to slip for me.
I'd never snuck out or done anything like that. Logan seemed slightly surprised by how bad I was at it. Yet he as undeterred. Didn't care about my innocence and was determined to be friends with me. I wondered if he planned to humiliate me at the party.
Didn't matter. My anxiety wouldn't put me in a prison this time, because my life was the shittiest it could be. Couldn't get any worse than this. No problem getting embarrassed once again. At least I had Logan on my side now.
Since my dad knew I wasn't the type to sneak out, there weren't any special detectors or locks on my window. Unlike James' window, which had a motion detector and, according to him, was rigged with a fireproof lock. I wondered how he knew it was fireproof, but chose not to question it.
I slipped out of my house through the window and tiptoed through the neighbourhood with a casual outfit which was the closest to what I'd seen people wear at high school parties. Maya and me had went to two parties while together, but both of us left less than five minutes after arriving at each one.
I spot Logan's car and get in the backseat. He's wearing a similar outfit to me, giving me slight relief that I at least have the dress code right. In the front seat next to him is James, while next to me in the backseats are Cameron and his new girlfriend, Lucy.
"Good to see you man. Weren't spotted by your dad I'm guessing?" Logan asks. I nod, glancing at the mirror and surprised by how relaxed I look. Like I'm not stressing about if my dad finds out I snuck out or if something happens at the party.
Then Logan does something that confuses me. He hands me a brownie.
"This is the special treat I was talking about." I was instantly suspicious. This wasn't a normal brownie. That much was clear. And yet, without thinking, I took it and shoved it into my mouth. Live now, think later. That's why I'm here. It tastes weird. Something is odd, but I can't put my finger on it.
Only after I've already swallowed it do I ask Logan," What was in that?"
"THC. It's an ingredient in weed." When he sees my expression, he only smirks. "Don't look so scared. It relaxes you. Better than alcohol and vapes."
I would argue with him. Get angry at him for tricking me into taking a drug. But I honestly don't care. He said it's relaxing. And all I need in this world is to relax. To forget about things. So I just smile.
We drive off to the party. Small talk is exchanged in the car. James, Cameron, and Cameron's girlfriend, Lucy, all seem to be cool with me. They've never even glanced in my direction before, yet it seems that since Logan likes me they do to.
When we arrive, we're welcomed by everyone and let in. The house isn't too big, filled with people from our school talking and drinking and flirting. By then the THC has kicked in, making me feel very relaxed and calm. For the first time in what feels like forever, my anxiety is completely gone and thoughts of Maya have been shoved to the back of my head.
It doesn't take long for me to be ushered by Logan and James into what seems to be a kitchen. Bottles of alcohol are all over the table, along with abandoned shot glasses they probably stole from the open cabinet on the wall. Logan picks one up and fills it, before extending it towards me.
"I've never drank alcohol," I confess.
"First time for everything," James says, taking a shot of his own before letting out a whistle. "This is good stuff. Strong, but still mild enough for a beginner."
"I don't know," I hesitate. Then I hear multiple people telling me its fine. To just do it and promising I'll love it.
"I told you man, let loose. Go crazy. Get drunk and shitfaced and forget your problems. Be a high schooler!" Logan practically shouts, clearly drunk already. A chant forms around me.
"Do it, do it, do it, do it," everyone pressures me. And without thinking I swipe the glass from his hand and down it, slamming the glass down on the table. It tastes harsh and bitter, burning every inch of my tongue and throat as it flows through me. I few seconds pass, and I faintly hear the cheering in the background. I feel lightheaded, by body unsure about the substance I just drank.
The addictive liquid that has ruined thousands of lives. It's crazy to think that one sip, one shot, one little mistake, can ruin your whole life. Set you on a downwards spiral towards depression and death. Luckily for me, the first one is already true.
In a few minutes, they've convinced me to take three more shots. Each one is easier than the last, going down with less of a burn and less argument from me as I get drunk.
I start feeling disconnected from reality. Everything clears in my head. I look at a painting that's just an abstract splash of colours and laugh. The colours are funny for some reason. I like the yellow. It looks pretty and cute. Like little duckilings. Duckilings. Is it duckilings or ducklings? I don't remember, which makes me laugh again. But then I feel angry.
How don't I remember grammar? Ducklung. Ducklang. Duckililililng. Duckllllllllinngnngng. Each thought makes me angrier.
Then someone's shirt catches my eye. It has a cat on it. I stumble forward, bumping into at least four people before grabbing the person's shirt. The cat is cute. It looks like... a cat. Or a giraffe. What's the difference? Both are animals. Both have... I don't know. Something in common.
Then the person pushes me off them. I glare at them, angry. Then I slowly stumble away, choosing not to pick a fight. I'm fine. Totally fine. I look back at them. They're looking at me funny. Why are they looking at me like that? What did I do to them?
I don't know what happens after, but I wake up on the couch a while later. Most people are gone and I'm mostly sober, barely remembering anything that happened. Logan is across from me, taking another shot.
He clearly hasn't stopped drinking the whole night. I glance at my phone, finding the time is 1:00 am. I'd been asleep for three hours.
"You... you is wake," Logan struggles to form the words. "Wakey-wawakey-wawawawawakey." He laughs like a little kid.
I see Louis is still here, since this is his house, along with James, Cameron, and Lucy. Cameron is the only one beginning to sober up. "It's late. You should all stop drinking," I say. Cameron nods groggily in agreement.
Logan ignores me and instead speaks. "You... you look like... like a... unicorn... with eight legs... legs... daddy has legs...."
Damn he's drunk. Each word is slurred and stretched out as he shakily stands up only to fall down on the couch, where he just sinks in.
"Daddy has legs," he continues his drunk talk. "Mom had legs too... she used them to run away from daddy when I was late... no, mate... gate... rate... fate...when I was eight...yes, eight... because he... bad man... she said. Always drunk and never serious. He used to beat her... he said that she deserved it for being bad... then she left." He suddenly seems really sad, but just like any drunk man, his emotion changes to happiness within a second.
With a huge smile plastered on his drowsy face, he says," But he let me do what me wants! No care about grades nor nothing. Give me drunks too. Drunks and smokes to forgets about things. He a brokey though. New job every days." He giggles like a child, unaware that he was just talking about a clearly messed up family. Everyone but me and Cameron laughs.
"But... then there's... the bastard Daniel," Logan now seems very angry. "He... steal my girl when I was in eighth grade. First time I drink when I see them two togethers." He's practically shouting now. "I wish I could kill him! He knew I liked her! But daddy told me to forgets about girls. Good idea. They all just break my heart."
I know that Daniel is currently single, but it seems he'd dated Logan's crush in eighth grade. And that was the start of this Logan I'm seeing now. The one that's a party animal, using it as a coping mechanism to forget about his family and Daniel. Is that where I'm headed?
When Logan collapses and falls asleep, Cameron takes me and Lucy out and helps me get a taxi back home. Thoughts of Logan plague all my thoughts the whole time. I think of him as a little kid, eight years old and watching his mom leave. Just like I had when I was six.
When my mother shouted at dad that she never wanted a child, especially not when he was working all the time and she was the one forced to spend all her time taking care of me. Deep down, I wondered if he blamed me for her leaving. There had been moments of love since, of him smiling to me. But they were gems in a desert of indifference.
Then my head strayed back to Logan. And the thought came up once again. Am I destined to end up like him?