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Chapter 7: Locker Room Lawsuits and Harem Conspiracies
Day 3 after Forceful Harem Incident.
6:47 AM
I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing like it was possessed by horny demons. I cracked one eye open, groaning like a dying cryptid.
BUZZ. BUZZ. BUZZ.
"Ugh... What now?" I muttered, snatching the phone like it owed me money.
MJ: "You're picking me up today. No excuses. Wear something tight."
Gwen: "We need to talk. And don't be late this time."
Felicia: [Single black cat emoji]
Unknown Number: "Your locker has been relocated for security reasons."
Security reasons?
I glanced at my closet mirror, shirtless, bruised, and looking like a rejected K-drama protagonist. My hair was in full anime disarray mode. A piece of toast was clenched between my teeth like I was starring in a cliché.
"I'm gonna die today," I muttered, dramatically flopping backward into bed.
7:15 AM
Carol knocked on my door.
"You better not be skipping breakfast!" she yelled.
"No! I'm just emotionally digesting my impending doom!"
"Great! I'll pour extra orange juice!"
God, I love her.
7:53 AM
The school gates loomed like the opening to Hell's fifth circle. Students were already gathered in clusters, whispering, giggling, pointing.
A familiar jock muttered, "Hey, it's the Harem King."
"Harem WHAT!?"
"Bro pulled a reverse love triangle in 24 hours," someone else laughed.
I caught my reflection in a locker window. I didn't look like a player. I looked like someone who got dragged behind a golf cart and barely survived.
And then, she arrived.
MJ.
She walked up like she owned the sidewalk, red hair flowing like she was the main character of her own CW series.
"Leon," she purred, slipping her arm into mine. "Walk me to class?"
Before I could answer, Gwen appeared. "You promised me first period."
Felicia ghosted in behind them. "Tsk. How quaint. Are we playing Pokémon now? Because I call dibs on evolving him first."
The hallway froze.
Someone took out a phone.
The moment was viral before it even finished happening.
"Am I dead yet?" I whispered to myself.
"No," Felicia said. "But you will be. Gym class is co-ed today."
Cut to: The locker room.
I stood frozen between rows of lockers, clutching my gym bag like it was a crucifix.
Co-ed gym class.
That phrase should be banned by the Geneva Convention.
"Why is this happening to me?" I muttered as I stared at the laminated class notice on the door.
Due to ongoing renovations in the east wing, PE periods will be shared between male and female students. Please behave appropriately.
"Appropriately," my ass.
I opened my locker and—
"LEON!"
I jumped so hard I nearly shed my soul like a snake skin.
Gwen Stacy stood in the doorway, dressed in gym shorts and a tank top so tight it looked like she lost a fight with a laundry dryer. She wasn't supposed to be in here.
"Gwen! This is the guy's locker room!" I hissed.
"Co-ed, remember?" she smirked, strolling in like it was her locker room and I was trespassing.
I turned around to hide the involuntary hormonal chaos happening south of my waistline.
"Oh, relax. I've seen worse in biology lab."
Then MJ walked in.
"Gwen? You're here too?" she said, looking from her to me and then raising one eyebrow. "Leon, are you blushing?"
"No! I'm overheating! Because trauma burns calories!"
"Oh, don't be shy," Felicia purred, appearing behind MJ like a panther in lip gloss and stretchy fabric. "Let's just call this team-building."
I backed into my locker like it would absorb me into the Shadow Realm.
Then came Xander and his roid squad, barging in like a bad subplot.
"Look at this! Loverboy's got his harem in the locker room now," he sneered. "What's next? A private jacuzzi in the principal's office?"
Before I could respond, Coach Rodriguez stormed in, whistle in mouth, clipboard in hand, and exactly the wrong idea in his head.
"What the hell is going on here?" he barked. "Girls! Out! Now! And Leon—Principal Merton wants to see you. Now."
I was escorted out like a criminal. Felicia blew me a kiss. Gwen mouthed 'good luck' with way too much sarcasm. MJ just grinned like she wanted the drama.
Cut to: Principal Merton's office.
"Mr. Leon Walter," she said slowly, pushing up her glasses. "Let's talk about the sexual harassment complaints. All... seven of them... Counting this is theThird time we're meeting based on this topic."
Cue cardiac arrest.
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(A few agonizing Minutes later)
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Setting: Cafeteria. Lunchtime. The calm before the hormonal hurricane.
I sat with my tray of depression nuggets and soggy fries, hoping to blend in with the furniture. My hoodie was up. My head was down. I was trying not to exist.
No such luck.
"Leon Walter to the VIP table. Leon Walter—your doom awaits."
The school intercom definitely wasn't supposed to be used that way. And yet.
Heads turned. Whispers spread like wildfire dipped in gasoline.
"That's the guy with the harem, right?"
"I heard he's dating Spider-Woman."
"No way, my cousin said he's Gwen's secret fiancé."
"I heard he has a contract marriage with Felicia Hardy. Mafia stuff."
"Bro, I swear I saw him French kiss MJ behind the vending machine while Liz Allan watched."
"Didn't he get Gwen pregnant in the nurse's office?"
"No, that was MJ. Or Felicia. Or Principal Kensington."
I was this close to crawling into the trash can and living there. Scratch that, I'd rather live in the jungle than spend another day in this hellhole.
Instead, I trudged over to the VIP table like a man walking toward a very beautiful, very sparkly firing squad.
MJ. Gwen. Felicia. Liz.
Sitting there like goddamn Avengers of Emotional Damage, sipping sodas and watching me approach with the intensity of predator drones.
MJ patted the seat beside her.
"You're late, babe," she said sweetly. "We've been discussing your... extracurricular activities."
"Excuse me?" I blinked.
Felicia leaned in, eyes glinting like knives in the moonlight. "We're calling this an emergency relationship summit."
"I didn't agree to be in a relationship!" I yelped.
"Well," Gwen said coolly, "Your lips clearly didn't get the memo. Because I remember them. Vividly."
Liz leaned on the table, watching me like she was trying to decide whether to date me or dissect me. "I'm mostly here for the tea."
"Wait, so… none of you are mad at each other?" I asked slowly.
They exchanged looks.
MJ shrugged. "We've... reached an understanding."
Oh no.
Oh NO.
"You've formed an alliance?" I asked, voice cracking.
Felicia grinned. "Let's just say... we don't believe in monogamy when it comes to you."
My brain bluescreened.
"You're all okay with this?!"
"No," Gwen said. "We're okay enough with this. But there will be rules."
Liz pulled out a pink folder labeled H.A.R.E.M. CHARTER in glittery Sharpie.
"Wait—what the hell does that even stand for?!"
Felicia read aloud, "Hot And Ravishing Entourage Manifesto. Duh."
As if sensing my confusion, Gwen commented almost immediately. "Well, even though it's nothing serious and just to the public, we said that we might as well keep you on leash to drive off horny single jocks or rich bozos, so rest assured, it's all pretence." Gwen commented as she stared at her phone, scrolling through recent post about me.
MJ passed me a pen.
"Sign at the bottom if you value your kneecaps."
I stared at the document. My hands were shaking.
"...What if I say no?"
Gwen smiled. "Then you'll end up in the nurse's office. Again. But this time it won't be from falling into MJ's cleavage."
MJ winked.
"You're a prisoner of your own bad decisions, Leon," Liz added brightly.
My soul left my body, but my hand signed anyway.
MJ leaned in and kissed my cheek.
"Welcome to the emotional Thunderdome, babe."
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Cut to: Across the cafeteria
Xander, watching everything with a scowl, slammed his fist into his tray.
"Why does he get a harem?!"
One of his goons muttered, "I think it's the hair."
"No, it's the hoodie. Girls love sad boy drip."
"Or maybe he's got that lonely boy energy—y'know, like... radioactive testosterone."
Xander snarled, "I'm gonna ruin him."
He didn't realize he was about to start a war.
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Up Next: Chapter 9... Cause, why not?