Me being comfortable with my current agony was not enough , the universe had more in store for me .
My mother was throwing up in a suspicious pattern , my father cared about it more than usual , her stomach grew bigger and what could this mean ? , who would make such a unwise decision when their eldest is 18 years old ?. After a few weeks there was no unusual vomiting instead there were mysterious doctor's appointments . Once they returned from their 3rd doctor's appointment , I questioned them intently and they still refused to answer , the report file left at the table , one goes to change and the other to toilet , I open the report drawing silent breaths and swiftly pull out the report halfway from the file , it was indeed a baby ultrasound .
I was stunned but still cleared my tracks and left the file as it was on the table , I felt so mad and perplexed . I developed hate for my parents , the people I hated my most in the world were now my parents . what made me this mad ?, the fact that they hid it from us?. I hated the way they talked , their mannerisms and I especially hated my mothers overeating and weakness, always drowsy and sick and my father demands to make us siblings help and take care of our mother made me furious .
The current youngest was so problematic as a child , running away on a cycle , stealing money and hurting me and my older sister , he had pushed the boundaries and he was not disciplined either , he just grew out of it . my mother had frequent mood swings , she became unreasonably angry sometimes , her high pitched voice and senseless ramblings made me snap one day , I told her to shut up and also called her a bitch .
I am still the only one to know she was pregnant , the day I snapped at my mother all of us siblings were called to my parents bedroom . My father after a few seconds of silence starts speaking , " we have something serious to talk about , we might not be able to take care of you much longer due to some issues , we want to book you for boarding schools in the home country ", my sister says " at least tell us the reason " with no reply she snaps and shouts at my father " what is this sudden mystery , tell me !!!, why do you after everything is stable want to get rid of us !!" , my father angrily replies " you don't need to know anyways , its all my burden to take anyways, goddamn ingrates !" .
Then my mother , the tragic ideal mother of monstrous ingrates speaks , in a pretentious tear jerking fashion " I have done all I could , but you kids are not worth raising". All this happened and I still had not a spoken word , all of us siblings stood there for some time and left without being told while our parents kept looking down at the floor .Everything that happened tonight , was because of me but did I instigate this late night argument ? , no.
I went to my room, I didn't fear their the warning. They resorted to this because they couldn't physically discipline me anymore , I am still the only one to know why this argument even took place , my siblings discussed amongst each other and also with me , I played along with them and acted confused .
I still had hope that she would have a miscarriage , I was filled with malice ,more and more as the months went on, I started to exercising , I somehow developed a paranoia that my father would try to strangle me because I dreamt about it once , my fear grew and withered nothing happened of that sort .
my mother grew more immobile over time , she had difficulty walking yet she still tried to hide her immobility . it was winter now , vacations approaching and the end of mock exams , I felt like a free man . I went home and my mother was nowhere to be seen , my father called and said they went to the doctor for an appointment , 6 hours passed they didn't return .
I knew what was happening and I dearly wished that both my mother and that baby died during the delivery , what a vile and malicious thought this was yet I had no moral quandary about it , I didn't need to reflect on myself , this was what I truly wanted .
Last time I prayed to God was when I asked him to kill my mother and the baby .