Thud!
"Noble Beauty Yang— No, mistress! I, Qiu'er, swear to follow you for the rest of my life, be it through seas of fire or mountains of blades! May the heavens bear witness to my fealty, or strike me with heavenly tribulation!"
"Qiu'er!" Zi Hua exclaimed. "Qiu'er, get up first. That must've hurt..."
Qiu'er shook her head determinedly. "Not unless you accept me, mistress. I know I have been... cautious around you. Distant, even. I wasn't worthy of your trust before, but I wish to be now. Please accept my pledge!"
Her resolve rendered Zi Hua speechless.
She had always been on the giving end of lifelong vows, rarely on the receiving end. But now, another person knelt before her, sincerely swearing to give her life, and she didn't know what to feel.
They barely knew each other.
This went beyond Qiu'er's obligation as a lady-in-waiting.
She hadn't granted any favour worth her life.
So why?
Why offer her loyalty, her life, and—
her soul?
It was a heavy responsibility, one Zi Hua hesitated to bear.
"Qiu'er, I recall you are twenty-four this year," she said.
"You are correct, mistress."
"Palace maids are released after they turn twenty-five. Don't you wish to be free?"
Again, against expectation, Qiu'er shook her head.
"Mistress, there is nothing awaiting me outside the imperial palace," she replied, devoid of sorrow or any emotion that should have accompanied such a hollow declaration. "I have been prepared to spend the rest of my days here ever since my sister died, and I would be honoured if you gave me a goal—a person, to dedicate myself to in this cold and unpredictable place."
Qiu'er bit her lip, mustering the strength to continue, "But... if there is something holding you back, I won't force you to accept this servant's selfish loyalty."
"I..."
The dejectedness in her voice made Zi Hua's breath hitch.
They were similar, in the sense of accepting life in the imperial palace as an unforgiving and endless path with no guiding beacon.
For a moment, she allowed herself to consider a companion on this path, someone whom she could entrust her back to, and who would serve as a north star when the darkness and the loneliness was too much to endure.
But the words of acceptance would not come.
It was strange. She wasn't a coward—at least she didn't think she was. Yet, she feared Qiu'er's oath.
'Why?'
'Why are you scared, Hua?'
A weak whimper sounded in the silence, drawing their attention to the one who emitted it.
Yue'er was frowning in her sleep. She must've somehow stretched her wounds.
Although she had been treated, dry blood caked the bandages on her exposed back. What hid beneath was involuntarily imprinted in Zi Hua's mind: long, garish lashes criss-crossing over her skin like a sadistic work of art, each one a brutal lesson; each one a cautionary tale that would forever echo in Zi Hua's ears.
'Ah,' she thought bitterly. 'So this is why I am scared.'
Memories flashed by, flickering faster than the candles. Outside, the storm was dying down; within her, another raged on.
"From now on, I'll be your new family."
"I'll protect you, Yue'er!"
"I'll follow you, miss!"
"Going home with you was the best decision I ever made, miss... Or rather, it was heaven's blessing that you found me that day!"
"Silly Yue'er, it's because of you holding on despite everything that I managed to find you."
Yes... It was because...
"I'm scared I can't protect you, too, Qiu'er."
Zi Hua sat on the floor so they were side by side, eye to eye. Qiu'er was shocked, but she spoke before her.
"If I couldn't even protect Yue'er, how can I protect anyone else?" she said. "I couldn't even convince the emperor to hear me out. How am I a good mistress? It's not you who is unworthy—it's me. I-I don't deserve your trust like this..."
By the end of it, she was blubbering again.
She seemed to be doing that a lot today—getting emotional over the smallest gestures and slightly pessimistic thoughts.
Firm hands helped her up, just as they had over and over again whenever she slipped or knelt or nearly giving in to despair.
"Mistress... Let me help you to bed. You'll catch a cold like this," Qiu'er said.
"I deserve it," she sniffed. "It's nothing compared to Yue'er's injuries."
"Still... Yue'er would be hurt if she knew you got sick because of her."
That got her to cooperate.
With a heavy body, she dragged herself to bed with Qiu'er's help, falling into a fretful sleep.
***
"Father? Brother? Where are you?"
"Come back, please!"
"I'm sorry... It's all my fault."
"Yue'er, I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I was useless..."
"Tian, trust me! Why won't you trust me?!"
"Tian, please! I l—"
"Tian!"
Zi Hua bolted upright, gasping for air, sweat on her back.
"...Zi Hua. You're awake."
In the dark, she saw him, half shrouded in shadow; half illuminated by faint moonlight. Like a deity and a demon combined.
She shook the abrupt fear aside and called his name.
"T-Tian?"
He laid her down and tucked in the blanket, so gently, as if she might break otherwise.
"Stay put. You have a fever."
"W-why are you here?" she muttered.
Her mouth tasted like cotton, and her ears felt like they were stuffed with them, too. Nothing made sense—the nightmare, the time, his presence...?
"You have been unconscious for a whole day," Li Zhen Tian answered. "Do you know how worried I was? Why didn't you come to me for help?"
Her mind was hazy, and the truth slipped out. She hadn't meant to—she swore. But—
"I didn't think you'd help."
She felt the shift in his emotions, the tightening of his soothing touch.
"Why not?" he gritted out.
"You didn't believe Yue'er and I," she said hoarsely. "You nearly killed her. Why would you save her after that?"
"I saved Yue'er," he claimed. "The empress would have given her a death sentence."
"And you didn't?!" she snapped, coughing immediately from the strain. "Fifty lashes you ordered, and you call yourself a saviour? Why did you do it? Why didn't you believe me?!"
"I did believe you."
"Then take it back."
"What?"
"Revoke Yue'er's punishment." She held his stare, trying to find the answer to his incomprehensible contradictions. "Let her stay with me."
But his response was swift and merciless.
"I cannot do that."
"Why? Why can't you take it back?!" she demanded.
"Because my word is the law!" he growled.
A hollow scoff escaped, her next retort instantaneous vemon.
"And we are your lowly subjects."
It stung.
"That was not what I meant," he bit out.
"Then you are more hypocritical than I thought."
That was the last straw.
Li Zhen Tian was the emperor. The monarch of this empire, the one who would make it great again.
Nobody challenged sovereignty.
Before him, all were equal...
Equally inferior.
"You are not in your right mind now," he said, shooting to his feet. "There is no point in continuing this conversation."
'If you want an apology, you're not getting it,' her feverish mind snorted.
"Goodbye, Your Majesty," she whispered, strength sapping away. "I won't see you off."
He didn't reply—just left like he was never here.
He left, like she left her family behind.
All for him.
Because of him.
It was quite a familiar scene. She curled into a ball and realised her cheeks were wet.
She was... sobbing.
She burrowed into the blanket so the people outside wouldn't overhear, but the sadness wasn't as easily muffled.
This wasn't what she wanted; this wasn't what he promised.
"Why is everything like this..."
And now, she wasn't sure what she wanted, either.