The apocalypse had rules. Unspoken ones, sure, but Rafael had picked up on the rhythm over the past eighteen (or possibly one hundred and eighteen, he couldn't really remember) cycles. One of them: Never trust anything that arrives riding a fireball.
So when the sky screamed and a flaming shape tore through the atmosphere like an angry comet with a caffeine addiction, Rafael just sighed and tilted his umbrella. It wasn't that he was jaded.
It was more that after encountering sentient fog and a vending machine cult, his threshold for panic had evolved into something more selective.
"Heads up," Stanley said, gnawing on a caramelized rat kebab. He looked far too casual for a man wearing armor made from repurposed microwaves. "We've got an incoming."
"You think it's one of the good kinds of fiery doom, or the platypus kind?"
Stanley squinted at the blazing descent. "Smells like feathers and hot sauce. Platypus. Definitely."
The fireball crashed in the distance, shaking the ground and lighting up half of Spiral Sector Gamma. Rafael muttered a curse as a wave of heated air sent his coat fluttering. Car alarms (somehow still operational centuries into the collapse of civilization) shrieked a chorus of complaint.
[System Alert: Unregistered Mutant Entity Detected. Classification: Ludicrous Threat Level - Orange Marmalade.]
He rubbed his temples. "Why does my System sound like a brunch menu?"
"Mine doesn't. Yours just has issues," Stanley replied.
[New Quest: Investigate the Flaming Sky Platypus. Reward: Mystery Loot Box (Possibly Cursed).]
Rafael stared at the alert. "What the hell does 'possibly cursed' even mean?"
"Means if it hisses, throw it at someone else," Stanley said cheerfully.
They made their way toward the impact crater, stepping over scorched playground equipment and the remains of a deep-fried jungle gym.
Along the way, Rafael paused to rescue a half-melted plush frog that blinked at him before self-destructing in a puff of confetti. He was almost impressed.
Smoke clung to the air like burnt marshmallow, and the smell of ozone mixed with something aggressively citrusy. A lemonade stand had caught fire, and now the ashes tasted tangy. He'd remember that next time he thought about drinking anything not sealed in triple-insulated tungsten.
At the center of it all sat a creature that defied natural science. A massive platypus, wings aflame, with goggles strapped to its head and what looked like an engine welded to its back. It chirped with the gravitas of a Greek god and the subtle menace of a DMV clerk.
Rafael blinked. "Is it... making direct eye contact with me?"
"You've been chosen," Stanley whispered. "Probably for death. Or cuddles. Possibly cuddly death."
The platypus waddled forward, trailing embers and bits of burning grass. It exhaled a plume of steam and then spoke with the deep timbre of a creature who had seen too many sunrises and destroyed most of them.
"HE WHO WOKE THE MICROWAVE SHALL RIDE THE FLAME."
Rafael took a step back. "Nope. Absolutely not. I have a terrible history with flaming poultry."
[System Notification: Mount Unlocked – Volcanopteryx the Lesser. Warning: Cannot be un-unlocked.]
The creature flapped its wings once, setting a nearby billboard on fire. It read: "Eternal Buffet: All You Can Eat Souls!" before collapsing into ash.
Stanley took a selfie. The filter added devil horns.
Rafael looked at him. "You're enjoying this too much."
"Oh, immensely. I've already scheduled your funeral and printed limited edition T-shirts."
The platypus lowered itself expectantly.
Rafael sighed. "Fine. But if this thing explodes mid-flight, I want it on record that I was emotionally coerced."
He climbed onto the burning beast. Its back was surprisingly comfortable, like heated leather mixed with mild terror. As soon as he settled in, the platypus let out a triumphant quack-screech hybrid that echoed across the sector.
Then it launched into the sky, trailing sparks and the faint sound of 'Ride of the Valkyries' playing from an old cassette deck lodged in its ribs. Rafael's hair caught fire briefly, but the wind blew it out. Probably. A notification chimed.
[Achievement Unlocked: Idiot on Fire.]
They soared over the ruins of forgotten suburbs and twisted skyscrapers, past clouds shaped like regret and tumbleweeds made of discarded Wi-Fi routers. Up here, the apocalypse looked oddly peaceful. Distant, almost beautiful. Rafael even felt... daringly hopeful, which was obviously a mistake.
A passing sky-whale snorted at them and nearly clipped their wings.
"Was that a blimp?" Rafael yelled.
"Nope," the platypus responded telepathically, "just Jerry. He's moody."
They passed a floating billboard with the phrase "Have You Hugged Your AI Today?" and a holographic kitten that hissed at them. Rafael ducked instinctively, which only made the platypus barrel-roll for style points.
They did a full loop through a skybridge of jellyfish-lanterns tethered to a drifting stadium. Somewhere down below, someone was playing a saxophone solo so mournful it made three pigeons cry.
Back on the ground, Stanley waved lazily. "Good luck, buddy. Don't forget to flap."
He turned back to the ruins and unwrapped a second rat kebab, this one with extra glaze. He sat on an overturned vending machine and watched Rafael become a speck in the sky.
He sighed and leaned back, sipping irradiated cola through a straw fashioned from copper wiring. The sun (or what passed for it these days) glinted off a passing drone with sentience issues.
"Gotta love Tuesdays," he muttered.
A shadow passed overhead. Stanley looked up and saw a blimp-sized rubber duck drifting on the wind, its eyes glowing red. It honked in Morse code.
He sighed again. "Well. That's probably going to be a problem."
***