As newly appointed Swamp Mayor (against my will), it was my duty to lead the goblin horde to glory.
Or at least to free snacks.
So when dawn broke, I gathered the troops.
Troops:
Mudnut the Idiot (still flexing)
Blib the Slimy (fell in a hole immediately)
Ma Grugga (armed with a wooden spoon)
And about twenty other goblins, half of whom were my offspring.
(I think. Swamp bloodlines get messy.)
Plop croaked ominously from my head.
"Listen up, degenerates!" I shouted.
"Today we raid the human garbage pile! There'll be moldy bread, half-eaten chicken bones, and probably one cursed sock!"
The goblins cheered.
System pinged.
[New Quest: Lead the Garbage Heist]
[Reward: 600 EXP + ??? Item]
Alright. Time to commit crime.
The Plan
We'd sneak through the swamp, cross the shallow river, and raid the dump behind the human village.
By "plan," I meant "run in screaming and hope for the best."
Mudnut punched a tree in excitement.
Got stuck.
We left him there.
The Heist
We reached the garbage pile.
It was glorious.
Rotten food. Broken weapons. A boot that may or may not have belonged to a knight.
I grabbed a half-melted cheese wheel.
Blib found a pair of tongs and declared himself "Garbage King."
Then it happened.
A giant raccoon.
The size of a goblin, with bloodshot eyes and rage in its soul.
It shrieked and charged.
The Fight
"TO BATTLE!" I yelled, immediately throwing Plop at it.
Plop hit the raccoon in the face.
They both tumbled into the trash.
I grabbed a broken frying pan and swung.
CLANG
The raccoon bit my arm.
I bit it back.
Goblin rules.
Ma Grugga smacked it with her spoon.
Mudnut arrived late, still stuck to half a tree.
System pinged.
[Skill Activated: Amphibious Intimidation Lv.2]
I croaked.
The raccoon hesitated.
BOOMTOAD CHARGE
A stray Boomtoad (from who knows where) exploded near it.
The raccoon fled into the night.
Victory.
The Loot
We raided the pile like champions.
I claimed:
A mostly intact dagger
A strange glowing egg
A dirty scarf that said "#1 Gob Dad"
I wore it immediately.
System pinged.
[Quest Complete: Lead the Garbage Heist]
[+600 EXP]
[EXP: 1730/2000]
[Item Obtained: Mysterious Glowing Egg]
[Notice: Pregnancy Progress – 9 Confirmed]
"OH COME ON, WHEN?!"
System: Garbage celebration party. Blame Blib's cousin."
I rubbed my temples.
That Night
Back in the swamp, the goblins celebrated.
I sat on my log throne, scarf around my neck, egg in hand.
Plop croaked softly.
"Plop," I said, "I think we're unstoppable now."
He blinked.
We both knew this was a terrible idea.