It came as no surprise to Sirius to be awakened by a loud scream. Harry had nightmares every single night and Sirius suspected that the only reason he had not had one the first night was because his body was so fatigued due to the starvation that it had basically shut down. The nightmares were so severe that after the first few days he had installed a door connecting their two rooms so he could easily get to Harry whenever one started. So far all the dreams had centred on his treatment at the Dursleys and Sirius knew that whenever his godson woke from one of those dreams he needed him to be there to convince him that it wasn't real, that he was on Black Island and completely safe especially as Harry would never go back to sleep after one. Sirius was just thankful most occurred around four am and Harry was able to have naps during the day so it didn't impede his recovery.
The screams were filled with agony and terror which chilled him to the bone as he ran through the door to his godson's side. He saw immediately that this was no ordinary dream. Harry's scar was a burnished red and as he watched a single drop of blood slipped out and onto his closed eyelids. The teen's body was convulsing and he could see fresh, red marks on his face and arms where his nails had caught. Sirius saw immediately that Harry was in danger of hurting himself badly if the dream continued for much longer. He started calling his name, it always worked on ordinary nightmares but this time it had no effect. Sirius felt the worry kick up another notch as he saw his godson thrash harder, screams still being torn his throat. Harry was hurting himself and he had to stop it before it got much worse.
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Discover moreBooks & LiteratureBooksRegular storiesFictionPress integrationBook recommendationsMaking a decision he slid behind his godson and pulled Harry's torso up against his, using his arms to pin the teen in place and prevent his flailing arms from causing any more damage. Bloody scratches appeared on his arms as he fought to keep his godson from harming himself, albeit unknowingly, as he remained trapped in the dream. Suddenly Harry shot upwards, his eyes flying open, gasping for breath. Immediately Sirius tightened his grip, locking Harry in his arms, fearing that this was another stage in the dream but after the single movement his godson lay still. Trying to wake Harry once more he started calling his name.
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Harry blinked, disorientated, wondering why his scar hurt. He could clearly remember Voldemort killing the man, the caretaker if he remember correctly and now he realised something was holding him down, preventing him from moving. Fear surged through him. Had Voldemort managed to trap him somehow? It was dark and he could clearly hear another person breathing alongside him. Fear caused him to lock down his muscles and freeze. If it was Voldemort or Wormtail he was not going to make it easy for them to find him. "Harry, Harry," his godfather's soft voice broke into his thoughts and he relaxed before worry surged through him, increased tenfold. Sirius was here and it would be so easy for Voldemort or Peter to catch him and kill him and that was something he could not allow. Heedless of his own safety he shouted out a warning, "Sirius, Voldemort's here. It isn't safe."
The moment he shouted he felt the binding holding him release him slightly and a muttered "Lumos" lit the room. Belatedly he realised he was in his own bedroom and it was his godfather who was restraining him. A godfather whose grey eyes were fixed on his green ones, worry evident in their gaze. Harry let out the breath he had been holding and slumped back against his godfather, relaxing in the knowledge he was safe in his own home and trusting in the security Sirius's embrace gave him. The pain in his scar had subsided to a dull throbbing but it still hurt. "What happened?" the animagus demanded softly.
Discover moreWriting workshopsMobile app subscriptionApp download campaignsWriter communityMobile user analytics"It was Voldemort," he said finally, "And Pettigrew," he paused slightly before he said the name, knowing that his godfather still hated the rat with a passion. He felt the arms holding him tense slightly but otherwise his godfather remained silent, patiently waiting for him to continue. "They were in a manor somewhere, Voldemort had a snake with him and the caretaker overheard them. They were talking. They mentioned that they had killed a Bertha Jorkins and they mentioned there was a faithful servant at Hogwarts, and..." He trailed off, not wanting to reveal to Sirius that they had a plan that involved using him in some way. But the animagus had noticed the evasion,
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"And?" He prompted gently, running his fingers through his pup's messy black hair, feeling the teen's fear increase and hoping to sooth him. Harry looked down, avoiding Sirius's gaze. He didn't want his godfather to worry when there was nothing he could do. He had already caused the animagus a lot of trouble and didn't want to increase the load. Sirius however was having none of it. "I know you're hiding something Harry, just tell me." He commanded softly.
Keeping his eyes firmly diverted from his godfather he added, "The snake killed the caretaker and my scar hurt. It only does that around Voldemort." Sirius's fingers brushed his fringe away from his forehead and the animagus turned Harry's head slightly so he could inspect the scar. After a few moments he spoke again, "It certainly looks red, does it still hurt Harry?" He shook his head in the negative. There were still a few prickles of pain but it was nothing major and it was easy to deal with, he didn't need Sirius to make a fuss over it. He hoped that Sirius wouldn't continue to press him but he was out of luck, "What else Harry?" His godfather asked, refusing to be diverted.
Discover moreApp store marketingFan fiction booksCreative writing coursesMobile fanfiction appAuthor resourcesAs he still stubbornly refused to answer he heard Sirius sigh then strong fingers caught his chin and tilted his head up firmly but still gently so he had to meet his godfather's gaze. He expected to see anger and annoyance in the animagus's eyes but was extremely surprised when he saw nothing but love and understanding. "I know it will take you a long time to get used to the fact I'm here for you and that you don't have to deal with problems on your own anymore. Merlin, I was exactly the same. But I am here now Harry and I will protect you to the best of my ability, but I can't protect you if you don't talk to me."
He paused and looked at Harry expectantly, waiting for him to speak but as the silence stretched he spoke again. "I know it is bad if you are refusing to tell me," he commented kindly, "And I know you have only had a month to begin to understand what love is but I need you to understand a few things. I love you Harry and that means I will protect you with everything I have. If someone hurts you I want to know about it so I can comfort you, and then go and scare the hell out of them as Padfoot." He was rewarded by a slight smile as he continued, "I want you to tell me your problems so I can sort them out, or help you to do so and most importantly of all I want you to be able to trust me."
"I do trust you," he whispered. He felt Sirius pull him further into the embrace,
"Then don't keep things from me pup."
Harry felt an odd sense of shame well up inside him at these words. Sirius had done so much for him. He had rescued him from the Dursleys, cared for him, loved him and had never asked for anything but his trust and love in return and here he was refusing information just because he didn't want Sirius to know, when Sirius had actually asked for it. It wasn't fair to his godfather, especially after everything he had done for Harry, for him not to tell him something small, that he couldn't do anything about. He tried to look away but Sirius's grip was firm on his chin and he couldn't move his face. His godfather's eyes bored into him, so much worse because they still only showed love and understanding when he felt like he deserved far worse. Finally he came to a decision.
"There was some plan surrounding Hogwarts and Voldemort insisted that I was the perfect person to use in the plan and he would use nobody else." He felt Sirius exhale slowly and he buried his face in his godfather's chest, unwilling to see the reaction the words had caused and seeking proof that Sirius still cared for him, despite the knowledge he had withheld. In response he felt his godfather pull him closer, giving him the comfort he desired but also felt he did not deserve. "It's alright Harry, you're safe, I won't let him hurt you." Sirius murmured.
"It wasn't really Voldemort I was worried about," Harry admitted, "It would be the fourth time I'd faced him anyway and I can't do anything about him. I was more concerned about your reaction and what you would do." He felt Sirius grow unnaturally still at the words and felt the arms holding him tense. For several minutes the silence stretched and Harry got the impression Sirius was trying desperately to calm himself before he said or did anything rash. Finally he spoke but when he did his voice was clipped and controlled, "Why doesn't Voldemort worry you Harry?"
Discover moreMoviesCrossover storiesFiction writing guidesFan fiction communityFan fiction platformHis godfather's grip eased so he could move backwards and actually meet his godfather's gaze. Harry stared downwards trying to isolate the reason he wasn't worried about Voldemort. Yes he was scared but he was more worried about Sirius and the question was why. Searching his mind he looked for the thoughts that had driven him to take that position. He knew he was worthless and a freak, he had been told that so many times if couldn't help but be true. And even though Sirius cared for him he was only his godfather after all not his real father and it was almost inevitable that one day he would get tired of Harry. His life didn't mean anything, yes Ron, Hermione, Sirius and hopefully Remus would be upset if he died but they'd get over it eventually so it didn't matter if he died. The worst that Voldemort could do to him would be to kill him and as he thought about it he realised that wouldn't be a bad thing. He would be able to hurt people or be hurt by them and he would finally meet his parents. He wasn't worried for his own life but he knew he wouldn't be able to stand it if Voldemort killed somebody he cared about and that was why he was worried about Sirius. Having come to that conclusion he was finally able to answer his godfather's question.
"The worst Voldemort can do to me is kill me," he started to explain, "I'm worthless and it doesn't matter if I die. In fact it's much better that I die instead of somebody like Ron who has a family who would miss him and if I died I'd see my parents again so it isn't really a big deal. There isn't really anything he could do to me that would hurt me. I'm much more worried about him hurting you or Ron or Hermione."
Sirius had a hard time holding back his tears. Hearing his precious godson talk about his own death in such flat and uncaring ways shattered his heart. And what made it worse was that he could clearly hear from the teen's voice that he genuinely believed what he was saying to be the complete truth. His sense of self-worth had been completely destroyed, shown clearly by the way he decried his own position and the inflection that nobody would miss him if he died and the fact he was more concerned about his friends being hurt than his own death.
Sirius knew that he used to have a similarly low sense of self worth, a product of his upbringing and he also knew it had taken a lot for his friends to finally persuade him that he was actually worth anything. In fact it hadn't been until he had run away and gone to the Potter's that he had actually begun to realise that he was actually valued and worth something. However the realisation of his own self worth hadn't fully come until after Harry had been born. His godson had stared up at him and smiled, and he had known in that moment he meant something. Harry had healed him and he was determined to do the same now for Harry although he felt his guilt rocket up another notch. He had never wanted Harry to have a childhood that was similar to his own.
He tried to smile although it came out as a grimace. The coming conversation was going to be extremely unpleasant but he knew he needed to have it. He had to begin to convince Harry of his self worth because he knew in his current state his godson would happily sacrifice himself and that was something he would not, could not allow to happen. But he knew it would be difficult. And he also knew he had to do it now before it got any worse. The longer Harry thought that way the more he would believe it and the harder it would be to convince him otherwise.
Sirius glanced over at the clock, it read 5:43. That meant he had just over five hours before Remus arrived. Hopefully that would be enough time to cover everything he needed to. Releasing his godson completely he sat up properly and patted the patch of bed next to him. Immediately Harry scooted over to the area he had indicated, pulling his knees up to his chest as he regarded his godfather steadily. Running his hand through his head distractedly he wondered how to begin, eventually he had it.
"Harry do you think I'm worthless?" He asked gently. Instantly Harry's denials flooded the room as he tried to convince his godfather he wasn't worthless. Sirius smiled warmly at him, amazed that despite everything Harry had been through that he still had so much love in him. "I know I'm not now pup, but I used to believe I was completely worthless, not unlike you."
"You'll never be worthless," his godson said fiercely, "You're my godfather and I love you so you will never be worthless." His eyes burnt with so much fire and he spoke with such conviction that Sirius couldn't help but lean forward and pull him into a hug, one which was eagerly returned. After a moment Sirius released him and sat back once more.
"Even so I used to think I was worthless." At Harry's frown he continued, "Do you know anything about my family pup?" Harry shook his head but his face betrayed his puzzlement at the apparent change in subject. Sirius sighed but his eyes remained fixed on Harry's as he started to explain. "My family were like the Malfoy's. Pureblood fanatics, Slytherins for uncounted generations, darker than our name. Merlin, Bellatrix Lestrange and Narcissa Malfoy are my cousins and they were by no means exceptions, most, including my dearMother and Father thought Voldemort had the right idea and you as can imagine I fit in extremely well." He snorted before he continued.
"Sorted into Gryffindor, friends with a Potter, a werewolf and a halfblood, resolutely against the pureblood supremacy crap and I was never going to be a Death Eater, as you can imagine I was rather a disappointment to my lovely parents." He drew in a deep breath, reminding himself severely why he was doing this and then continued, "And they didn't hesitate to show their displeasure and to try and 'reform' me into my 'proper' role."
He paused, his gaze sweeping his godson but he could see the pure shock in Harry's face and he could see his godson was giving him his full attention. "They first beat me the day I returned for the summer holidays. They stopped giving me any attention apart from punishments when I failed to meet their standards whilst they lavished attention on my younger brother. They hadn't exactly been proud of me when I was growing up, but they had always thought I would end up in Slytherin and learn my true place as a pureblood and as such I had escaped such drastic punishment. Gryffindor got rid of that idea so they became worse very quickly. I was their own little 'blood traitor' and they were determined to bring me back to my 'proper' place as the elder son. Every summer it got worse until..." He trailed off, unwilling to go into the events that had finally resulted in his flight.
He was startled therefore when he felt a hand touch his shoulder and he blinked as his gaze met his godson's. Compassion was etched in every feature of his godson's face, "Until?" he prompted gently. Idly Sirius wondered how the conversation had come to the point where Harry was comforting him.
"It was the summer of my fifth year, I was sixteen and by that point I felt completely worthless. When I got home they wanted me to take the mark. I refused. My father used the cruciatus on me. I couldn't take any more. I ran away that night and went to your Dad's. But that incident cemented my idea I was worthless. I had to be, there was no other reason a father would use that curse on their son. It took a very long time before I stopped believing that."
Suddenly he found his arms full of Harry. As his story wound to a close the teen had launched himself at his godfather and wrapped his arms around the older wizard, pouring all the love he had for his godfather into the single gesture. Sirius blinked back tears, overcome with emotion at his godson's gesture as he held Harry close, returning the embrace. For a moment they sat there in silence before Harry pulled back slightly to look him in the eye, "But why are you telling me this Sirius?"
"Because of what you said pup. You believe you are worthless and I am determined to change that." He tightened the hug, "There are a lot of parallels between our childhoods. Yes the Dursleys didn't hurt you with magic but they abused you and neglected you and it comes to the same thing even if they used different methods." Harry was shaking his head before he had finished but Sirius caught his face in his fingers and titled it upwards so Harry was facing him. "At the beginning of this conversation you told me I was worth something because of your love, why then Harry couldn't the opposite be true? I love you pup and as such you are worth more than you could ever imagine."
Harry just lay in Sirius's embrace, trembling. He had never imagined that his godfather had gone through so much, he had been abused and then spent twelve years in Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit but what really shook him was the confession that Sirius had once believed that he was worthless. His godfather had seemed so strong, he had cared for Harry, survived hell on earth and it had never occurred to him that Sirius could also be vulnerable. He would have thought it was impossible that his godfather could have even believed he was worthless and the only reason he knew it was the truth was because Sirius himself had told him.
And then the comparison between their lives. He had always thought that he deserved what the Dursleys did to him, after all he was responsible for the death of his parents but hearing Sirius place it against his own experiences that were clearly abuse he began to wonder if what they had done to him was abuse. Dudley had always been favoured and his relatives had never paid attention to him except to command him and punish him and as he thought about it he realised it was eerily similar to what Sirius had described. The beatings were definitely the same. As that thought settled into his mind he began to wonder if his godfather's last words had been true. Sirius was worth so, so much because he loved and cared for him and Harry loved him return, was it possible that he could be worth something because Sirius loved him?
There was just one more thing he had to know, "What finally convinced you?" He murmured, his words muffled by the fabric of Sirius's shirt. The animagus smiled warmly down at him. "You did." At Harry's incredulous look he elaborated, "I finally knew beyond a doubt that I was worth something just after you were born. You were tiny and James handed you to me. You lay there in my arms and then you smiled at me and I knew then that I was worth something, especially when James made me your godfather. And every time I'd come over and you smiled at me or called me Unca Pa-foo I knew that I mattered and that you were the most important thing in my world." Sirius tightened his grip, holding the boy close. Harry burrowed deeper into his hold unable to speak but somehow Sirius knew what he was thinking.
"I know it will take time for you to believe you are worth something, Merlin knows it took me ages but I will be here for you and I hope that one day I will be able to prove your worth to you. In the meantime I want you to promise me something."
Harry raised his head and met Sirius's gaze, and trusting his godfather would never try to hurt him he nodded his head. "I want you to promise that you will never sacrifice yourself because you believe that you won't be missed." Sirius's grip was almost uncomfortably tight, "You were all I lived for in Azkaban and if I lost you it would destroy me. Never think you wouldn't be missed pup."
Seeing the depth of the love and sincerity in his godfather's face it was easy for Harry to murmur three words, "I promise Sirius." The relief coming off his godfather was tangible and Harry felt a warm feeling rise in his chest, Sirius really worried about him that much. Sirius leant down and pressed a light kiss into his hair and murmured a heartfelt "Thank you." Harry relaxed, relishing in the feelings of safety and love surrounding him. He still didn't fully believe he was worth anything but he was beginning to, and maybe eventually he would be able to actually believe it was completely true.
The morning passed by quickly. Harry had nearly finished all his homework and was regaining control of his magic. The first few days after they had returned from Gringotts had seen a lot of accidental magic occurring whenever Harry became upset and the first time he had attempted the Impedimenta jink he had managed to overpower it and throw the dummy all the way across the room. It had taken several days until he was able to cast without knocking the dummy across the room, although all the spells were a lot stronger than a normal wizard's would be. Unanimously both him and Remus had decided that they would not change the defensive spells, as far as they were concerned the stronger his shields and patronus were the better.
Harry was occupied with his lessons with Remus when Sirius excused himself and headed out. The dream Harry had bothered him immensely. It didn't feel like a normal nightmare, he was sure one of those would involve Voldemort hurting someone Harry cared about. Harry's account of it seemed too real for his liking but it was the mention of Bertha Jorkins that had first caused him concern. Bertha had been a few years below the Marauders and he knew she worked at the Ministry and it was a name Harry was unlikely to have come across. Combined with the fact Harry's scar hurt and it always hurt around Voldemort, the picture was worrisome to say the least. He needed more information and he knew where he could get it. He only hoped Kingsley still had the same lunch schedule.
He was in luck. Kingsley had just entered an inconspicuous cafe in Muggle London when Sirius arrived and nodding quickly to the waitress he headed over to Kingsley's table. The man's eyebrows rose, "How did you know where to find me?" He asked curiously. Sirius let out a bark like laugh.
"You were an Auror when James and I joined the force. You always came to this cafe for your lunch break, we met you here several times. I just hoped you still went to the same place." A wry smile touched Kingsley's lips,
"What can I do for you then Sirius? You must have a reason to seek me out after all." Sirius's eyes darkened,
"Yes. Is anything wrong with Bertha Jorkins?" Kingsley frowned slightly before nodding once.
"She went missing a few months ago. Bagman insists she'll turn up, it isn't the first time she's vanished but the rest of us aren't so sure. There is a bit of an investigation going on. Why do you ask?" Sirius's expression was grave, his fears confirmed. The dream Harry had was a vision and that meant the threat at Hogwarts was real and so was the threat against his pup. Suddenly he was extremely glad he had accepted the DADA post, it would allow him to watch over Harry and hopefully keep him safe, despite the farce of a tournament that was coming to Hogwarts. He wasn't pleased with much that Dumbledore had been doing but he was extremely pleased with the age line, at least Harry wouldn't be able to enter.
"A vision suggested she might be in danger. I can't tell you everything because I don't understand it myself but," He paused then said, "I doubt you'll find her alive, if you even find her."
Kingsley sat up ramrod straight at that revelation, "You're saying..." Sirius nodded,
"I'm saying she has been murdered. I don't know why or how but I'm almost certain she's dead. I wasn't sure before, but as she is confirmed missing..." He left the sentence hanging. Kingsley surveyed him once, his eyes searching for any sign of deceit, when he found none he nodded his head sharply, once. "You were a good Auror Black. Thanks for the heads up."
Sirius smiled faintly and returned the platitude but inwardly his mind was seething. Voldemort obviously had some sort of connection with Harry, caused by the failed killing curse likely as not and that had resulted in the visions. He needed to start teaching Harry occlumency as soon as possible because if Harry had visions of Voldemort it could work the other way and that would endanger Harry so he had to be able to close his mind. He would also increase the defensive training he thought. Harry had all but finished his homework so there were an extra two hours he could use. One he could use to teach Harry occulmacy and the other could be used to start to teach him about his standing in the Wizarding World and his accounts. He had been rather shocked at Gringotts when Harry had appeared to lack basic knowledge of the wizarding world, yes he had been brought up by that filth but someone should have explained it to him on his eleventh birthday although he was beginning to think somebody, potentially Dumbledore was trying to keep Harry's heritage secret.