Alright, so it all began as per usual, over a girl. It's fucking so dummmbbbbb bro, I'm embarassed. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. But dude started trying to kill me using his edgy friends. I beat their asses at first. It was easy for the dumbest reason. I learned martial arts from mangas and practiced in my spare time. Nobody else in fucking town does cause they're lazy bitches with too many connections, I say. They always get someone else to do the shooting while I'm down in the dirt too many times to count.
Anyway, it escalates one day. I escalated it. A man got obsessed with me. He kept attacking me despite losing too much. One day I said it's time for the repeat fights to end. So I cut his ankle, told him he's a working man now.
Here's a story to give you a hint on why I did that. Achilles. Trojan War. Look it up, see if you're smart. It's intuitive based on what you know about fighting. Anyway, I like it more cause of the joke I make. Cause I fuck your ankle up, but guess what? Your arms still work, so go get a job! You're washed up! Hell, even I got a day job. It's bullshit, and part of how I integrated with society. They say young people need day jobs, something to do so we don't kill each other and build stupid empires like I did. Cause apparently the youth work and the elders rule. It's literally society's norms forcing this shit, I'm not making it up. They love me, but everyone likes the elders more cause it's normal to listen to the elders. It's fucking horse shit. Or because they're smarter cause they apparently know some bullshit. I swear sometimes it's a battle of memorization and they ban me from using google. I always win with google, fuck these bitches. But then they claim misinformation and they're a better psychologist than me, so I walk off and let them control humanity until they admit I was right about how dumb everything was.
Anyway, I ranted again, where was I? Yeah, right, the ankle cutting. Yeah, life fucking sucked after that. They said I went too far and made a man a worker that shouldn't have been a worker. He was loved too much as a criminal. He became a desk jockey accountant for a gang he could've ran. And he still managed to give me hell for it. I literally did some of this empire shit to make sure the Accountant couldn't pay a prick to stab me. Sometimes I bribe a big buff man with a light machine gun or some bullshit more money than the Accountant paid so I don't die. It's routine. They walk up to me and say "Hey, I've been bribed to kill you. What will you bribe me to not kill you, rich man?" Then I hand them more fucking money cause I'm rich as fuck.
But in the beginning, it was awful. I just had to fight day after day. I convinced myself it was a Martial Arts Journey. It became one because I just became too good at fighting. It was to the fight that I burnt myself into the sociology of this town as one of its best fighters. Sometimes I say "Wanna learn to fight?" And people mimic my guard as if they're gonna learn from mimicking me. It doesn't happen anymore cause I laughed too hard when I did it every time, but God was it funny.
This was a major problem. Why? Cause now I'm stuck in their heads when they swing their fist. And it's fucking bullshit. Did you know some of these fuckers copy me cause they memorized my fighting style? They say I'm in their head cause they know my fighting style. They learned it cause I'm the best and I told them that shit was simple. And it is.
Here's what I did that ruined the town when it came to fighting. I posted the fighting style I use and all my ideas for it on 4chan. It fucking went viral all over the town. It was insane and hilarious. The best part was because I knew the gimmicks that worked.
Like Blink. It's some shit from mangas, right? You strike when your opponent blinks. It's simple logic. Guess what? I evolved it with bullshit. I just said I'm gonna force you to blink. And usually I do it with a twofold strategy of bullshit. A left jab meant to blind you. Even if you don't blink, you're gonna focus on the jab. It's the second punch that matters. It's the one I follow you with, like a video game monster that has tracking. The first punch is easy, the second punch has tracking. It's that simple. And of course, I practice my combos so when I have the advantage, I just go ham on your ass. I also know a few things about the human body that I won't focus on cause I don't like killing people.
Anyway, enough about fighting. I'ma do it like the mangakas. I'm saving the cool stuff for when I tell you about a fight. Just know I can do enough to cause problems. Cause that's what I say to keep it barebones and to the minimum. Cause it's the truth, but I don't make guarantees. Cause fighting is simple enough anyone can know it. You can even learn it on the streets, dude. And on the streets, we follow the laws by choice. Not by necessity. One crazy move, and suddenly all hell breaks loose.
Like it always did at the start. Cause on my momma bro, too many of y'all are important. Especially when some of us could be entertainers. We can entertain with just small talk on a major level now, it's bad. I swear, I'm a gangster and I hate legit celebrities like a youtuber. Society bends over backwards for those fuckers, and I swear I have to be a modern Machivelli just to win an argument. Especially cause their fans fuck with you, and they're everywhere. My own nephew punched me in the mouth when I got in an argument with them when they tried to argue kids should be allowed to do shrooms. I hated it so much, I went to war with a youtuber right there.
New fucking arc dudes, fuck this arc. Cause it leads into it, and everything WENT TO SHIT! Bro, you think gangsters are bad, WRONG! They're just willing to kill you. Guess what? The big youtuber points a phone at you, waves money and says "WHO WANTS TO BE IN MY YOUTUBE VIDEO KICKING THIS GANGSTER'S ASS!?" Suddenly everyone is stomping your ass while money rains down. I fucking hate Mr.Grease. Rich youtubers are the worst, I swear he made it a surprise game to destroy my car. He just invented a fake Street Fighter commercial to destroy my car. I was mad as fuck. And stunned by the sheer stupidity and madness I saw because of this celebrity. Like bro, they know it was my car. Three of them told Mr.Grease I'm a gangster, and Mr.Grease still flipped me off and yelled "I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" And she told me he did to piss me off before dumping me.
Bro, it was fucked up. I'm still mad, especially cause that shit escalated into a gunfight even though I tried to leave like a sad bitch. I swear it was the most embarrassing shit, and Mr.Grease decided to try playing Gangster.
He fucking failed cause everyone went pussy when they saw I whipped out my gun and opened fire. They didn't hesitate to take the bullet for him, but then the town calmed me down. And then it got fucking weird cause Mr.Grease called me a celebrity cause the town loved me in a weird way. Even I thought it was weird, I shot a youtuber and I didn't go to jail. I just drove home while everyone told me to calm down and go home. And I did, and I never went to jail. Mr.Grease even made a video about it, and I just reported it as spam. They deleted the video for some reason.
I regret it. The town bitched at me and knew I did it. They fucking bitched and called me a pussy for weeks. I cried of embarrassment cause a girl at my job called me a pussy. Then people admitted they reported it as spam as well to cover for me cause they like me. It was fucking insane. Suddenly it turns out my badass arc of being a crazy nutcase had caused a celebrity vibe in the town, even though nobody apparently likes my stories. Fucking horseshit, I want to be a writer. I still do, I swear I'm writing a fantasy novel on the side. I just do rants here cause I like ranting. It's why they like me as a psychologist. I just rant in a funny way about how dumb everything is, including my own life. Then they say I'm wrong and say something insane instead.
Like bro, one time somebody told me people report my stories as spam to spite me sometimes. Like one time I made a bad joke, and apparently a guy just found one of my stories. Then he reported it as racist. I was mad as fuck. This is the shit people do man, and I just deal with it. People are petty, bro.
Anyway, I bet you're thinking something weird. I said the town, huh? Yeah, well. When you even get a whiff of the celebrity vibe, it's bad. They talk too much. Every fucking one. It's so annoying and maddening.
Anyway, so the criminal enterprise. How'd it really begin? I got a job at the sketchy company in town. It's a retirement job that shouldn't exist. It's a crime against society it exists. And it makes gun parts secretly. They only let the Germans near them cause the Germans own the company chain. It's horseshit, we ain't supposed to be involved beyond being workers cause of Nationalism. Fucking Germans don't want American blood running even a plant in the south. Fucking ridiculous. I know the Germans are lazy as we are, and just as cheap. They act like they're special, they ain't. No one's special, at best your culture is special. And even then, it's just the flavor everyone likes. See what happens when you ask Japan why we know how much water is in the human body. Suddenly nobody likes anime.
So how did everything start going right for me to where I made a strong place in society? For once, I dated the wrong girl. Bad move, criminal mastermind apparently. Fucking horseshit, one time I dated someone smart and interesting. Turns out they're a criminal mastermind, and I became one to make money.
Her gig was making a simp army. I hate it, I'm marked as one of her simps. We even still text sometimes. Hell, she bought guns from me for her simp bodyguards last week. And the worst part? It's how I started making money. The girl says she makes the men she likes into businessmen. Suddenly I'm an Arms Dealer. I like it honestly, she gave me a farm with targets and guns to shoot at. Only downside was I had to pay her back.
My life was like criminal Animal Crossing all of a sudden, and the damn landlord was my girlfriend. Who half-dumped me, she calls it. We're in a open relationship by force, and it's horseshit. I don't even want to share her, and I swear I haven't fucked her in years. She still calls me her boyfriend. And I still paid her back a million dollars for this damn farm.
Which admittedly is rad. And I own a tank. These bitches think I'm lying till I get mad and chill outside with the tanks. Then guess what? For once, the system works and SWAT shows up to tell me to put my tank up. I still keep the tank though, they just don't want anyone seeing it. It's fucking DUMB. But whatever, I own a tank. And it has unfortunately saved my ass before.
Like when Mr.Grease returned. Jesus Christ, he was mad. He decided to fuck with my town. Guess what? I'm a Game Designer, and I figured out his game. I had a lucky coincidence. I spotted him setting up in my town. Saw him get excited and shit about stuff. Didn't know what happened yet, but I started visiting that part of town a lot cause I knew Mr.Grease did a lot of stunts. And guess what? One day a scarecrow showed up with candy bars inside. I stole all of them and ate them like a pig.
But guess how dumb I was? I still feel stupid about it, even if I know Mr.Grease would've never given me the money. There were codes on the candy wrappers and I never noticed. I just ate the candy bars and threw them away. I was like a dumbass when I could've been Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's infuriating to this day, and I even was cool with my girlfriend. We could've scammed that fucker! Ugh, I'm still mad.
But he got pissed off. For another reason, not this one. Cause when this one failed, he still did a second stunt. This time he hid a piggy bank of money in the woods for some show he made. I stole the fucking money. He was dumb enough to leave a piggy bank of money out, and I stole it. All of it.
This time Mr.Grease tried way too hard to send me to jail. And my town kept doing bullshit to keep me out of jail. To the point they just ignored the law. And the government was mad cause two celebrities are arguing with each other, and society halted because we were too busy trying to kill each other.
I, at the hand, didn't care cause I wanted to slow down and write books anyway. So I took a break and started writing a book. Society got mad and told me to stop being distracted and make up with Mr.Grease. So even though I'm not a youtuber, I made an apology video to Mr.Grease for stealing the piggy bank money. And apologized for already spending the money.
They didn't like what I did. I bought stocks in my company. My company hated it, and made me sell it. Then I invested in my tank, society loved that. They thought I was badass for it. And now I have a tank.
Mr.Grease showed up with a mob. I had a tank. I tried to fire the tank. My hacker girlfriend screamed "SHUT UP!" and turned off my tank. I pouted like a child while Mr.Grease and his mob tried and failed to destroy my epic tank with his mob. They only had small arms and bats. No match for my tank. That was a fucking useless brick of steel that admittedly did protect me honey, but please let me fire the tank. Excuse me for talking to my hacker girlfriend in this, she's obsessed with my computer. I know she'll read this eventually, and lecture me in a vague way probably. Or maybe not, I dunno. She's anti-social, but still loves me enough to keep me around.
Eventually they left, and I just… kind of kept living my life. I even did a drug deal. Nothing went wrong. I just kept with the flow of life and it just worked.
Until it fucking didn't. The biggest celebrity of all got mad. The fucking President. I was mad. The Crump was in my house with SWAT. Lecturing me about how I shouldn't have bought a tank and spent Mr.Grease's money. I didn't go to jail, but he fucking messed with my money.
Money kept coming up missing. And guess what? I had some low level dudes I thought I was friends with, and we had a tight crew. I thought we were gonna be like a evil anime crew? Guess what happened? One day they said they like Crump more than me, and Grump says I owe him taxes. I'm like, "What the fuck do you mean I owe Crump taxes? I'm a Gangster. Fuck Crump." He didn't like that. The Gang all walked out on me, and let Crump arrest me.
It was a big song and dance. Everyone cheered for Ronald Crump arresting a famous serial killer using the C.I.A. I was mad as shit, that didn't even happen. My former best friend pulled a phone out and called the cops. He then said "This Guy don't respect Crump. Arrest him." And suddenly the cops swarmed my place. One of them even crashed into my house, screaming violently about traitors.
As per usual when society flips shit on me, I was stunned into silence. Like just imagine politics ruins your gang. Now I got to accept everyone in my gang likes Crump. It's fucking horseshit, we don't like the cops but we like Crump. What the hell is wrong with my gang? I swear, the draft will kill my gang. We're all fucked if we get a draft, all my soldiers going to serve Crump. Hell, I have two girlfriends who would join the military if there was a draft. If I don't go, I'll be living in a dry desert where it's me versus the world with a fat wallet and that's it. All my people gone.
So what happens next? As per usual, my town lets me free way too soon. Nobody acknowledges it. I'm told to go to my day job. I do it, and nobody questions why I'm not in jail. Until one day a girl breaks and asks what the hell is going on. I say "Dunno, celebrity bullshit." She says "Ronald Crump broke you, didn't he?" … And I sadly said yes. Then everyone at the smoking spot laughed at me.
Yeah, until he didn't. Cause they were mad I thought about being a politician to influence politics. They hated the idea. They say my opinions are annoying. They say I want society to be lazier. They say they hate basic income and the age of automation and one man money machines. I swear, if I wasn't a illegal salesman, I'd run a business. Any business, they all can be a one man money machine if you automate enough. But it's illegal! "Figuratively." Fucking horseshit, laziness is a crime. They just don't admit it besides calling you lazy.
Alright, so at this point, people are mad cause I'm not trying hard enough. So I try focusing on being a criminal. It's horseshit, my job dragged me back. It was dumb. All the hot chicks from my job showed up at my house. They tricked me, I thought they wanted to hang. No, they wanted me to have a job again. It was horseshit. I did it cause I missed them. Now I have two jobs, day job is nice. Night job is crime.
The night job pays the bills, and more. The day job doesn't cover shit, it's a cover. It's fucking dumb. I work the day job to look legit. And I live on a farm with a tank. That the government knows about, and we all just pretend doesn't exist. Cause I'm a celebrity.
So how did I make friends and get a gang? Well, life was handed to me on a silver platter. I just made the most of it. Figuratively and literally. The criminal does what the system lets. You want to know when to steal an important man's power? When everyone is mad at them cause they won't let them do what they want. Then swoop in with your liberal, anarchistic view of letting society do it. For a criminal, that's the key. And it's fucking rad. Everyone loves it. Sometimes I can even get them to riot on the spot. I chant stuff like "FREEDOM!" And make references to rebels like "STRAW HAT WOULDN'T TAKE THIS! HE'S A PIRATE! HE'D PUNCH HIM IN THE MOUTH!" And the weeb gangsters go wild, it's hilarious. I swear, the Gangsters these days are weebs, it's so funny. I once made a gangster cry cause I compared his relationship with his brother to Sadkay and Manruto. Funniest shit ever, almost got shot cause I giggled though. They knew I was laughing at him crying about the dumbest concept ever. It's a book, chill out.