Kazuki Ren was not having a good morning.
He woke up to birds chirping, the sun shining through the window, and a very uncomfortable breeze brushing places that should not be breezy.
"...Huh?"
He sat up slowly.
Something felt off.
Something felt very off.
For one, once a respectable bedhead, his hair was now long, flowing, and pink.
Not just pink.
Like, "I fell into a cotton candy machine and came out with trauma," pink.
Second… his clothes were gone.
Correction: they had been replaced.
On his body now clung a frilly white and pastel dress, complete with puffed sleeves, ribbon laces, and a skirt so short it violated his eyes for a second.
His legs were smooth, his feet wore high-heeled boots with glittering stars on the soles, and a heart-shaped gem was embedded directly in his belly button.
He looked down at himself.
He blinked.
"...I've been kidnapped by a fetish"
Poof!
A tiny explosion of sparkles erupted in front of him.
A small, smoke-clouded creature stepped forward.
It was a cat.
A talking cat.
Wearing a tiny leather jacket.
With a cigarette.
"Morning, princess," it said, voice gravelly like someone who'd lost three singing competitions and all of their dreams.
"Name's Navi. I'm your familiar now!"
"Welcome to the gig, Magical Girl Starlight Bloom"
Kazuki blinked.
"What?"
"Magical. Girl. Starlight. Bloom," Navi repeated, as if talking to a particularly stupid toaster.
"You've been chosen by the Celestial Heart Prism of Eternal Virtue™ to protect the world from the Umbra. Grats. It's nonrefundable"
Kazuki's mouth moved, but no sound came out.
Navi handed him a pamphlet.
It was glittery.
It had bullet points.
WELCOME, MAGICAL GIRL!
Defend Earth!
Sparkle responsibly!
Transform with confidence!
Do NOT remove the gem. Trust me.
"This is a dream," Kazuki muttered.
"This is a dream. I must've fallen asleep watching magical girl anime again"
"That's it. No way am I wearing this. No way am I fighting monsters. No way am I using—"
Suddenly, the walls shook.
A thunderous roar echoed outside.
Kazuki ran to the window.
There, stomping down Main Street, was a giant cockroach with a top hat, wielding a cane made of sadness.
It slapped a streetlamp and yelled, "HOOMANS SHALL TASTE DESPAIR!"
Kazuki turned back to Navi.
"Okay, what the hell is that?"
"Umbra Type II: Ennui Roach," Navi said, flicking ash from his cigarette.
"It feeds on student procrastination and fear of group presentations. You're up"
"No"
"Too bad. You're the chosen one"
"No!"
"You already transformed in your sleep. The Prism read your aura. Said you had 'untapped feminine rage.' You're in!"
"I don't want to be in!"
"Tell it to the roach, sweetheart"
Before Kazuki could scream something very un-magical, his body moved on its own, sparkles spiraled around him as music swelled from nowhere.
He was lifted into the air.
"NOPE NOPE NOPE—"
A thousand glittery particles exploded from his chest.
"By moonlight's rage and sunrise's blush, I, Starlight Bloom, will make you hush!"
He landed in a pose so dramatic his knee cracked.
Hands raised in the air.
Eyes blazing with pink fire.
A literal sparkle pinged off one of his teeth.
"Oh my god, what did I just say—"
"You just cast your intro spell," Navi said, shrugging.
"Now use your primary attack"
"I have a—?!"
A heart-shaped staff poofed into his hands.
"Say the words," Navi urged.
Kazuki looked down at the staff.
The words just appeared in his head.
"'Love-Me-Lovely Heart Buster Deluxe Beam'?!"
"Yeah, that one"
"NO!!"
The roach hissed, raising its cane.
Navi sighed.
"Say it or you die, glitter boy"
Kazuki took a deep breath.
"...LOVE-ME-LOVELY HEART BUSTER DELUXE BEAM!!"
A massive rainbow beam of concentrated sparkles, musical notes, and shame exploded from the staff, vaporizing the cockroach in one blinding blast.
Silence fell.
A rainbow formed.
Somewhere in the distance, a choir of small children whispered, "Friendship!"
Kazuki collapsed to his knees.
"I want to die"
Navi landed beside him, tail twitching.
"Congrats. You just passed Magical Girl Tutorial Level 1"
Kazuki groaned.
"I hate everything"
"Get used to it," Navi grinned.
"You've got school in a few seconds"
Kazuki stared at the sky.
Then at his frilly dress.
Then at the cat.
"…I'm going to commit glittercide"
Kazuki did not have those mere seconds to mentally recover.
In fact, he barely got three.
Because after saving the city from a musical cockroach, the magical gem in his belly button blinked aggressively and blasted a holographic alarm into the sky that read:
CELESTIAL SCHOOL ATTENDANCE AT 92.8% — PENALTY IMMINENT
"Wait, what penalty?" he began.
POOF.
Suddenly, he was yanked into the air like a stuffed toy on a discount sale day.
The sky tore open like a poorly maintained bedsheet, and he rocketed through it, screaming like a banshee in a tutu.
SLAM.
He landed, face-first, in the middle of a sparkly hallway.
Polished marble, pastel lockers, floating chandeliers, and unicorn statues lined the corridor.
Everything smelled like cotton candy and unreasonable expectations.
Kazuki blinked.
Then blinked again.
"Where the hell am I now?" he muttered, picking glitter out of his teeth.
"Welcome to the Celestial Academy for the Magically Inclined and Occasionally Confused," Navi announced, floating next to him like this was perfectly normal.
"All magical girls are required to attend orientation, training, and advanced sparkle safety"
"Why is there a unicorn punching a soda machine?"
"Advanced electives"
Kazuki stood up, brushing glitter off his skirt for the 900th time in ten minutes.
"Okay, how do I get out of this? There has to be a loophole. A contract cancellation. A transformation undo button. Something!"
"You agreed by instinctual soul resonance," Navi replied, lighting another cigarette.
"It's airtight. Trust me, I once tried to fake my death to get out of this gig. They still made me teach Sparkle Math"
A trumpet blared overhead.
A voice echoed through the hall:
ATTENTION, STUDENTS! Today's schedule includes a surprise Combat Posing Test!
Please report to the Gymnasium of Justice and Leg Day immediately!
Kazuki's eyes twitched.
"Combat. Posing. Test?"
"You'll love it," Navi grinned.
"It's like dodgeball, except you strike poses, shout attack names, and don't get vaporized"
The ground shook.
The ceiling above the hallway opened like a garage door from a wealthy fever dream.
A giant hand made of roses and glittery muscle yanked Kazuki through it.
"WHY DOES EVERYTHING GRAB ME—?!"
Gymnasium of Justice and Leg Day
It was half battle arena, half sparkly nightmare.
Platforms floated in midair, confetti cannons fired at random intervals, and every single wall was covered in motivational posters with slogans like "POSE WITH PURPOSE!" and "FLEX THOSE FRIENDSHIP MUSCLES!"
Dozens of magical girls were mid-battle, some gracefully twirling ribbons of light, others screaming things like "FLUFFY BUNNY BLAST!" or "SUGAR SHURIKEN DELUGE!" with deadly accuracy.
Kazuki landed on the ground in a puff of sparkles and despair.
"Newbie!" barked a voice like a drill sergeant powered by glitter.
He turned to see a muscular woman in a ripped magical girl uniform, pink buzzcut, and combat heels the size of tanks.
Her name tag read: "Instructor Glimmer Doomfist"
"I—uh—" Kazuki began.
"POSE!"
"I don't—"
"POSE, DAMMIT!"
Kazuki panicked and struck the only pose he could remember from any magical girl show: arms wide, back arched, peace sign over one eye.
"Too much boob angle," Doomfist grunted.
"But passable. Get on the practice stage"
Kazuki was shoved onto a glowing platform.
A mechanical announcer's voice boomed:
MAGICAL GIRL COMBAT INITIATED. BEGINNER RANK. SUMMONING TRAINING FOE…
A poof of smoke.
A cardboard cutout of a giant sad hamster appeared, holding a sign that read "I'm full of self-doubt"
Kazuki stared.
"This is a test?"
The cutout squeaked, "No one believes in me"
Kazuki slowly raised his staff.
"Can I just…tap it?"
"Nope," Navi said, floating by in a golf cart he stole.
"You need to use a special attack. Minimum sparkle level: 600"
Kazuki groaned.
"Fine"
He concentrated, heart thumping.
The gem at his belly button glowed pink.
His body twirled against his will.
"Heart-Explosion Sparkle Nova of Mild Inconvenience!" he shouted.
A giant heart-shaped explosion of confetti and bubblegum-scented fire erupted from the staff and annihilated the hamster cutout.
What remained was one lonely ear and a trail of glittered regret.
SCORE: 610 SPARKLE POINTS. RANK: SPARKLE NOOBLET
The room applauded.
Confetti rained down.
A banner unfurled reading: "You Tried!"
Kazuki dropped the staff and lay flat on the ground.
"I hate magic. I hate glitter. And I hate you, Navi!"
Navi sipped from a tiny latte.
"Better get used to it, Starlight Bloom. You've got a uniform fitting in ten minutes"
Kazuki whimpered.
He was dragged, literally, by two sentient scarves down the hallway for his "mandatory magical attire customization session."
"Is this really necessary?" he asked, flailing.
"Absolutely," Navi said, driving the golf cart beside him, now wearing sunglasses and sipping from a pineapple-shaped drink.
"Nothing says justice like matching accessories!"
They arrived at a room with a sign reading:
Wardrobe of Wonders and Wardrobe Malfunctions
Warning: Mirrors May Judge You
Inside was a circular chamber with a spinning platform, rotating mirrors, and enough sequins to blind an army.
A very tall woman with four arms and a boa made of live, purring ferrets appeared in a puff of lavender smoke.
"Dahling!" she sang.
"I am Madam Seamseer, fashion sorceress extraordinaire! Who is this tragically unshapen creature before me?"
Kazuki raised his hand.
"Hi. Victim. Name's Kazuki. Against my will"
Madam Seamseer narrowed her glitter-smeared eyes.
"We'll fix that attitude and your silhouette. Now strip!"
"I—I—WHAT?!" he squeaked.
"Transformation attire only, darling. We must mold your heroic essence into visual poetry"
She snapped her fingers, and the magical girl outfit materialized on him again.
Skirt, ribbons, sparkling boots, the works.
Kazuki looked at himself in the mirror.
The reflection had a tiny twinkle animation over the wink.
He hated it.
"I look like a bootleg Sailor Moon knockoff who lost a fight with a sticker book"
"You flatter yourself!"
Seamseer said, already conjuring glowing fabric swatches.
"You're more like Sailor Room Temperature Tap Water. But we'll fix that"
She snapped again.
Boom.
Kazuki now wore a flame-themed outfit with six capes.
He turned, and a cape slapped him in the face.
"How many capes does a magical girl need?!"
"Seven," she whispered.
"One for each emotion"
"I hate all of this!"
"Marvelous. We'll put that in the brochure!"
Thirty outfit changes later, they settled on:
A sleeveless lavender dress with jagged comet-shaped frills
Knee-high armored boots that jingled when he walked (for "stealth via distraction," Seamseer claimed)
A sparkly tiara that occasionally buzzed like a microwave
And gloves that lit up when he lied, which turned out to be often
Finally, the magical mirror displayed his completed profile:
Name: Starlight Bloom
Sparkle Rating: 4.6/10
Fashion Threat Level: Irresponsibly Glittery
Quote: "Please stop looking at me!"
Kazuki sighed.
"At least I'm done now, right?"
As he walked back to the arena, the wall exploded.
Smoke and glitter rained down as a girl in a watermelon-themed outfit landed in a pose so dramatic it caused the soundtrack to change.
She pointed a popsicle staff at Kazuki.
"YOU! I've waited seven minutes for this moment!"
Kazuki blinked.
"Okay, I'm gonna regret asking, but—who are you?"
"I am your RIVAL! Melon Mist Majesty! Defender of Desert-Based Justice!"
"You're based on…melons?"
"Yes. And I will defeat you in single sparkly combat to prove my superiority! FOR FRUITY GLORY!"
Kazuki turned to Navi.
"Is this normal?"
Navi tossed him popcorn.
"Honestly, I expected this sooner"
Five Minutes Later
Kazuki stood frozen, still dressed like a galactic prom queen, while Melon Mist Majesty spun her staff dramatically and summoned an army of…tiny melon soldiers.
Each one was about a foot tall, shaped like a cantaloupe with stubby arms, angry eyes, and little green boots.
One of them tripped on its own rind and exploded into confetti.
Kazuki looked down at his staff, which was currently stuck to his glove with what felt like magical Velcro.
"Am I seriously about to fight someone dressed like a fruit salad?"
Melon Mist Majesty pointed a finger at him.
"Not just any fruit salad, the most hydrating one"
She snapped her fingers and shouted:
"WATERMELON WALL OF WOE!"
A giant pink barrier shot up between them.
It smelled vaguely like bubblegum and despair.
Kazuki stared, deadpan.
"Did she just summon a fruit-themed death wall?"
"Yes," Navi said, floating by on a hoverboard now.
"And she hasn't even used her ultimate yet. Watch out for Juice Tsunami. It's worse than it sounds"
Kazuki sighed, raising his staff like someone who had truly given up on ever being normal again.
"Fine," he muttered.
"Let's do this"
He channeled his magic, body glowing faintly pink again.
It began: the involuntary spin, the music swell, the sudden floating roses from nowhere.
His lips moved on their own.
"Cosmic Glitter Blaster of Minor Annoyance!"
A beam of sparkling energy launched from his staff and gently nudged Melon Mist Majesty backward about two feet.
She stumbled, frowned, then dramatically wiped a nonexistent scratch on her cheek.
"Not bad," she admitted.
"But prepare yourself!"
She leapt ten feet into the air and screamed:
"JUICE TSUNAMI!!"
An enormous tidal wave made of watermelon juice and pulp roared toward him like nature's smoothie from hell.
Kazuki panicked.
"NOPE!"
He flailed and shouted the only spell he could think of:
"Emergency Wardrobe Change: Cloak of Cowardice!"
A giant hoodie materialized around him, complete with bunny ears and the words "NOT TODAY, SATAN" stitched across the front.
The hood zipped itself shut and launched him sideways off the platform with the force of a T-shirt cannon.
BOOM.
He crashed through three posters of "Sparkle With Confidence!" and landed in a nearby fountain, upside down, legs twitching like a knocked-over Barbie.
Melon Mist Majesty landed with a satisfied flip.
"Rival vanquished. My hydration reigns supreme"
From inside the fountain, Kazuki's voice echoed, "I didn't lose. I tactically evacuated"
Navi rolled over, peering down at him.
"Congratulations, Starlight Bloom. You've survived your first Magical Rival Battle. You only cried a little bit"
"I didn't cry," Kazuki muttered.
"You leaked emotionally from your face. Semantics!"
Just then, a screen popped up in the sky showing Kazuki's magical girl report card.
Battle Grade: C+
Sparkle Form Rating: Needs Ironing
Public Approval Score: 3/10 (Voted "Surprisingly Flexible")
New Title Earned: Cowardly Comet of Confusion
Kazuki sat up, dripping, mascara somehow still perfect.
"This is my life now, isn't it?"
Navi lit another cigarette.
"Until the season finale, yeah!"
Kazuki dragged himself out of the fountain like a soggy towel.
His boots squelched with every step, and his tiara had rotated sideways, now resembling a confused crescent moon.
"I smell like summer," he muttered, wringing juice out of his gloves.
Navi hovered beside him.
"That's the scent of defeat. And watermelon pulp. Mostly pulp…"
Just then, a notification popped up in the air like a holographic slap.
BREAKING SPARKLE BULLETIN!
URGENT ALERT: MONSTER ATTACK DETECTED!
Location: Nearby Mall – Discount Spell Depot
Threat Level: Mildly Inconvenient to Catastrophically Annoying
Monster Type: Sentient Mascara Blob
Estimated Casualties: 3 shopping carts and one dignity
Kazuki stared.
"Mascara blob?"
Navi nodded solemnly.
"Yeah. A rogue beauty product spirit. Possessed a discount bin and formed a hive mind. It's trying to contour the entire mall into oblivion!"
Kazuki looked down at his staff.
"Why is this my life now?"
"Because you have potential," Navi said, patting his shoulder.
"And because your magical girl DNA profile is surprisingly compatible with glitter-based nonsense"
With zero ceremony, Navi shoved him into a teleportation bubble.
BOOM!
He arrived in the mall, mid-air, upside-down again.
He crashed into a kiosk, scattering "5 for 1 Potion Shampoo" bottles everywhere.
"NAILED IT," he announced from the wreckage, arm raised like he meant to do that.
The monster oozed around the corner.
It was ten feet tall, vaguely shaped like a foundation bottle, with long fake lashes and pouty lips.
It left a glitter trail and made slurping noises as it consumed a "SALE" sign.
"BEGONE," it screeched, "YOU WHO DARE INTERRUPT MY BEAUTY REGIME!!!"
Kazuki blinked.
"Did that bottle just talk to me in Sephora language?"
Navi's voice buzzed in his ear.
"Yep. It's emotionally unstable and overblended. Careful, it's powered by social media validation"
The mascara blob swung a giant eyeliner brush like a whip, crashing it into a hot dog stand.
Ketchup flew like blood.
Kazuki stood up.
"Alright, let's get this over with. Magical catchphrase, don't fail me now!"
He twirled his staff, pointed it at the sky, and shouted:
"By the Power of Excessive Accessories—STARDUST TWINKLE BARRAGE!!"
Nothing happened.
He blinked.
Then glanced at the staff.
A small note had appeared:
"Cooldown: 2 minutes. Try snacks while you wait!"
Kazuki panicked as the mascara blob charged.
He fumbled for anything in his inventory.
"Fine! Plan B!"
He whipped out a magical girl boomerang shaped like a giant eyelash curler and chucked it.
It curved gracefully through the air… and immediately smacked him in the forehead on the return.
"OW. Whose idea was this?!" he yelled.
"Yours," Navi said.
"It was called the 'Boomerang of Blinking Justice.' You were very proud"
The blob screeched, preparing its next attack: a spiraling whirlwind of setting powder.
Kazuki, dizzy but angry, rose to his feet and screamed the first thing that came to mind:
"SUDDEN SNEEZE OF SPARKLING DEFIANCE!"
A gust of sparkly wind exploded from his staff, completely unintended, and hit the blob square in the lips.
The creature paused.
It blinked.
And then slowly applied a flawless smoky eye to itself with one of its own tentacles.
"...okay," it whispered.
"Okay, I feel that. That's a look"
And then it exploded into a cloud of glitter and expired coupons.
Kazuki stood there, panting, confused, and covered in lip gloss.
"…Did I just win with a sneeze?"
"Yes," Navi said.
"You're a prodigy of unintentional victory"
He stumbled out of the glitter fog, wheezing, clutching his staff like a confused mall cop after eating himself into a coma.
Shoppers peeked out from behind overturned carts and perfume displays.
One old lady clapped slowly.
A teenager with neon hair shouted, "YO, THAT WAS LIT. WHO'S THE NEW GIRL?"
Kazuki blinked.
"I'm not a girl—"
Too late.
They were already chanting:
"Starlight Bloom! Starlight Bloom!"
A random confetti cannon exploded somewhere, unprompted.
A child tried to hand him a homemade friendship bracelet with the words 'SLAY QUEEN!'
Navi zoomed in, sipping a slushie she definitely didn't have earlier.
"Congratulations. You're officially trending in three dimensions"
"What?!"
She pulled up a magical screen.
#StarlightBloom
37k likes in under an hour. Trending under: 'Pretty Destruction,' 'Unplanned Hero,' and 'Hot But Confused!'
Kazuki grabbed the screen and yelled, "WHY AM I POSING IN THIS ONE? I WAS FALLING."
"You landed in the splits. Gracefully. Like a confused swan," Navi said.
"People felt seen"
He slumped onto a bench.
"I can't keep doing this. My legs hurt. I haven't eaten. I'm emotionally compromised"
"Too bad," Navi chirped.
"You've got a fan club now. With shirts. And stickers"
A tiny glittery gremlin zipped up, slapped a "Team Bloom" sticker on his cape, and vanished with a sparkle sound.
Kazuki twitched.
"I'm going to scream"
Just then, a deep voice boomed overhead from some unseen magical speaker system:
ATTENTION, STARDUST GUARDIAN. A NEW CHALLENGER APPROACHES
"Please no…"
The mall roof parted like a bad CGI effect, and a figure descended on… a pizza-shaped hoverboard.
The new arrival had bright orange twin drills for hair, a giant cape made of pizza boxes, and a staff shaped like a breadstick.
"I am… PIZZA PRINCESS PEPPERONI! Defender of grease! Champion of carbs! Toppings be praised!"
Kazuki looked at Navi.
"Why?"
"Magic works in mysterious and hunger-related ways," Navi replied solemnly.
Pizza Princess Pepperoni pointed dramatically at Kazuki.
"You've messed with the flavor balance of this city, Starlight Bloom. It's time to bring the heat"
Kazuki stood up, shaking off glitter like a haunted snow globe.
"Alright. I'm done playing!"
He raised his staff, glowing with a fierce determination.
"By the power of lactose intolerance, let's dance!"
The mall transformed instantly into a magical battlefield because, of course, it did.
The floor shimmered into an endless runway.
Storefronts morphed into glowing arcane towers.
A random Sephora exploded for dramatic effect.
Kazuki floated onto a platform of pink energy stars, staff in hand, wind in his (too-perfect) hair.
Across from him, Pizza Princess Pepperoni flipped her crusty cape, summoning a swarm of flaming mini-pizzas.
"COME AT ME, STARDUST BROOMHANDLE!"
Kazuki narrowed his eyes.
"It's Bloom. Starlight Bloom. And you just crusted your last—uh... crust…"
Navi whispered from his shoulder.
"That was awful. Never say that again"
BATTLE START!
Pizza Princess Pepperoni launched the first move:
"DEEP DISH DOOMSTORM!"
Massive pizza wheels spun through the air like chakrams of cholesterol, sizzling with mozzarella fury.
One slammed into a perfume rack and exploded in slow-motion tomato sauce.
Kazuki screamed and leapt sideways.
"ARE YOU EVEN FDA APPROVED?!"
He raised his staff.
"BUBBLEGUM HEART BLAST!"
A giant pink heart exploded from his wand, homing in on her like a sugary missile.
She slapped it aside with a greasy breadstick.
"HA. WEAK SAUCE!"
"You're weak sauce!" Kazuki retorted, then immediately regretted it.
Pepperoni spun, did a twirl worthy of a figure skater, and summoned her next attack:
"CHEESY RAIN OF WRATH!"
Molten cheese began pouring down like lava.
"OH COME ON," Kazuki yelled, shielding himself with a magically conjured parasol that read 'Cutie Defense Mode.'
"Think, Kazuki," Navi said.
"What's her weakness?"
He pointed.
"Besides dairy-free options?"
Navi's eyes lit up.
"YES. SHE'S WEAK TO VEGAN ENERGY"
Kazuki grinned like a madman.
"Then it's time to summon the forbidden magic…"
He closed his eyes, focused all his sparkly rage, and screamed:
"TOFU TEMPEST! VEGAN VENGEANCE EDITION!!"
A glowing tofu cube the size of a minivan dropped from the sky and crushed three of her pizza spirits instantly.
A wave of kale leaves erupted around him, accompanied by judgmental stares from invisible yoga moms.
Pepperoni staggered back, shrieking.
"IT'S FLAVORLESS! AND MORALLY SUPERIOR!"
Kazuki charged, leaping into the air with a war cry:
"FOR LOW CALORIES AND HIGH DAMAGE!"
He slammed into her with the full force of guilt-based dieting.
There was a magical boom, a blinding light, and then…
Silence.
When the glitter cleared, Kazuki stood victorious.
Pizza Princess was on the ground, twitching.
"Ugh… why… does tofu… taste like guilt...?"
He struck a dramatic pose, one heel popped up like he had practiced this for years.
"Starlight Bloom… has logged you out"
Cue magical girl victory jingle.
Navi floated in with sparkles trailing her.
"Wow. You didn't even die this time"
Kazuki collapsed.
"I think my pancreas did," he said as the arena disappeared and he was standing inside the mall once more.
A portal opened above the mall fountain, shaped like a heart, naturally, and a beam of rainbow light zapped Kazuki straight up into the sky.
"WAIT I'M STILL STICKY FROM THE CHEESE—"
ZOOOOOP.
In a flash, he landed back in his bedroom with all the grace of a dropped bowling ball, still in his frilly battle outfit.
He bounced off the bed, smacked into his closet door, and landed in a pile of laundry.
He groaned.
"I smell like guilt and mozzarella…"
DING!
A floating scoreboard materialized in front of his face.
BATTLE REPORT – STARDUST BLOOM VS. PIZZA PRINCESS PEPPERONI
Score: 93,240 Magical Points
Style Bonus: +10,000 (for "Midair Vegan Justice Slam")
Combo Bonus: +5,000
Sass Rating: 11/10
Property Damage Penalty: -100 (Navi bribed the mall janitor)
Kazuki blinked.
"Wait, what was my score for the melon girl fight?"
Navi popped into view, wearing sunglasses and sipping a glitter soda.
"Melon Mist Majesty? Please. That was like 42k tops. And half of that came from you crying"
"I WAS CORNERED," Kazuki protested.
"Sure, sure," she said, snapping her fingers.
"Anyway, here's your victory loot!"
POOF!
Half his room exploded into pizza boxes.
There were at least sixty.
Some were glowing.
One had wings.
Kazuki stared.
"Why? Why are they stacked in a heart shape?"
Navi beamed.
"Your reward was 'a lifetime supply of magical pizza.' It renews every Monday. You're now the official Magical Girl Pizza Ambassador of the Eastern Quadrant"
"…what quadrant?!"
"Don't worry about it"
He picked up a box labeled "My Heart Goes PIZZA PIZZA When I See You – Limited Edition Eternal Crust Deluxe!"
He opened it.
It blinked.
"Did this… wink at me?"
"Just close it. Don't make eye contact"
Kazuki collapsed onto his bed, arms spread wide, dress still sparkling faintly under the light.
"I hate everything"
Navi floated down and put a sticker on his forehead that read 'Certified Hero of Toppings!'
"Yup… I hate this!"