Solomon, lounging on the couch in his new tower, looked like a typical single dad from a sitcom. From the outside, the tower was a wreck - sagging walls, moss on the rocks - but inside it was heaven: modern furniture, a huge TV, a refrigerator full of Coke, and, of course, a mountain of burgers. He sat in a stretched out T-shirt, with stubble on his chin and tired eyes, sipping Coke and flipping through the channels. The children - Hansel, Gretel and Alice - had been delighted with this "vacation" at first, but now they were clearly bored. They wandered around the tower, kicking each other's pillows and sighing, as if they were being forced to watch a documentary about taxes. Solomon, absorbed in another burger, tried to ignore their sad faces. But then Gretel, the bravest and, in her own opinion, the smartest, walked up to him resolutely, hands on her hips.
"Solomon, we're BORED!" she said, her voice full of childish indignation. "And anyway, we need a mother!"
Solomon choked on his burger, the cola sprayed out of his mouth, and he coughed as if he'd just been sentenced to life in prison.
"WHAT?!" he croaked, wiping his chin. "Gretel, don't joke like that, little one! At this rate, I'm really going to go get some bread and never come back!"
Gretel tilted her head to the side, her eyes full of genuine bewilderment.
"What's wrong? Isn't this normal?" she asked, blinking.
The demons in Solomon's head burst into laughter, their voices ringing like bells in hell.
"Oh, dad of the year!" Gremory choked. "Time to buy a family minivan!"
"Shut up, you bastards!" Solomon mentally barked, slapping his forehead so hard that the sound echoed around the room.
"It's a metaphor, Gretel," he muttered, exhaling heavily. "You better not get into that kind of stuff, little one, or I'll really run off for some cigs, and you'll know it!"
He leaned back on the couch, rubbing his temples.
"Listen, you might have moms somewhere," he said, raising his hands, rings glittering on them. "I'm, like, married to ten girls or whatever. But they're running around somewhere, I have no idea where."
Gretel narrowed her eyes.
"Then let's look for them!" she suggested, her eyes lighting up.
Solomon waved his hand lazily.
"Laziness, little thing. Burgers, cola, a couch" that's life. And chasing brides? Well, fuck it.
Gretel stamped her foot, about to protest, but their argument was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. Solomon tensed, his hand holding the burger.
"Are they really getting to me here too?!" he muttered, looking warily at the door. "If it's the ogre or the prince again, I'll put them in the burger!"
Alice, without waiting for permission, ran to the door and opened it. A petite girl in a red hood stood on the threshold, clutching a basket in her hands. She shifted from foot to foot in embarrassment, her big eyes darting nervously around the room.
"Uh… Hello," she squeaked, almost dropping the basket. "Are you… new neighbors?"
Solomon almost choked on his cola.
"What the hell, neighbors?!" he exclaimed, jumping up. - We're in the middle of nowhere, in England, in a bloody tower! Who the hell are you?!
The girl stepped back, her face flushed, and the basket shook in her hands. Gretel wasted no time in kicking Solomon in the shin.
"Ow!" he howled, rubbing his leg. " What the hell, little thing?!"
"You're scaring her!" Gretel snapped, sticking her tongue out at him. "Why are you so nervous and unfriendly? Be normal!"
Solomon muttered something about "I'm going to get some whitefish, you'll know" and turned to the girl, sighing heavily.
"Okay, sorry for getting angry," he said, trying to sound friendlier. "What's your name?"
The girl nodded, still embarrassed.
"I'm... Little Red Riding Hood," she muttered.
Solomon froze, his eyebrows rising.
"What do you mean, Red?" he asked. "Where's the name? I'm Solomon, this is Alice, Hansel, Gretel. And you're just Red?!"
She blushed even more.
"That's... my name, - she squeaked, looking at the floor.
Solomon slapped his forehead so hard that the sound echoed throughout the tower.
"Great, my parents' imaginations are running out," he muttered, but then stopped short, noticing how Little Red had shrunk even more. "Okay, let's move on. What did you want?"
She picked up the basket, smiling shyly.
"Granny and I live nearby... Well, neighbors, I guess. I just wanted to say hello. And... here, the pies" she pointed to the basket.
Solomon blinked, his brain trying to process the information.
"Wait, Granny? Neighbors?" he asked again. "We're in England, and you... aren't you supposed to be from Germany? What the hell?!
The demons in his head chuckled.
"Surprise, Solomon," Gremory drawled. "This tower is a magical hub. You're in England, and Germany, and maybe somewhere else. Magic outside of Hogwarts, bro!"
"Oh, that's great," Solomon muttered, rolling his eyes. He looked at the basket of pies and softened. "Okay, Red, pies are cool. Are you going to Granny's?"
She nodded, her face lighting up.
"Yeah, we should go. Nice to meet you!" She waved and ran off, humming something cheerful.
Solomon turned to the children, his eyes twinkling.
"So, little ones, ready for an adventure?" he asked, clapping his hands.
"YES!" Hansel, Gretel, and Alice yelled in unison, jumping up and down.
"Excellent," Solomon grinned. He snapped his fingers, casting an invisibility spell over them all. "Let's go get Little Red. I can smell there's going to be action!" They slipped out of the tower and followed Little Red Riding Hood, who was humming happily as she walked along the path. After a while, she stopped, spotting a huge gray wolf. His eyes sparkled with intelligence, and his grin was such that even Solomon tensed. The wolf licked his lips, looking at Little Red, and asked in a low, ingratiating voice:
"Where are you going, girl?"
Little Red, not suspecting anything, answered happily:
"To Grandma's! She lives over the hill there!" She pointed and smiled.
The wolf nodded, his eyes sparkling.
"Have a nice trip," he said, grinning, and disappeared into the bushes.
Solomon, still invisible, slapped his forehead so hard that the children nearby jumped.
"Seriously?" he hissed. "Did Little Red really just tell the wolf where her grandmother lives?! Is this a script for a cartoon?!"
Hansel asked in a whisper:
"What will he do?"
Gretel rolled her eyes.
"He'll run to Grandma, you fool! He'll eat her, and then he'll go after Little Red!"
Alice gasped, covering her mouth. Solomon, still muttering something about "damn fairy tales," narrowed his eyes at the path.
The wolf, hidden in the bushes, grinned evilly, muttering something under his breath about "delicious prey" and rubbing his paws like a real cartoon villain. His tongue licked his fangs every now and then, and his eyes blazed with anticipation. He leaned forward, his bushy tail wagging seductively from side to side, as if inviting fate to play Russian roulette with him.
Solomon, still under the invisibility spell, watched this with the children, and his eyebrows went up.
"Seriously, this wolf cub escaped from a Disney casting," he muttered, but then his gaze fell on that wagging tail. His eyes lit up like a maniac who saw a discount on burgers. - Oh, little brother, you asked for it...
The children, noticing the change in his mood, took a step back when Solomon suddenly copied the wolf's pose - bent down, rubbed his hands and made the same evil grin. Hansel whispered to Gretel:
"Is he going to eat him now?"
"No, he'll do worse, " giggled Gretel, covering her mouth.
Meanwhile, the wolf, anticipating the feast, suddenly froze. His fur stood on end, his instincts screamed: "RUN, IDIOT!" But it was too late. His body seemed to have turned to stone, and goosebumps the size of walnuts ran down his back. A voice came from the shadows behind him - low, rough, imbued with such a threat that even the trees around him shuddered.
"Hello, sweetie, - the voice whispered right next to the wolf's ear.
The wolf yelped, sweat pouring off him in buckets, and his eyes widened in horror. He slowly turned his head and saw... a shadow. A black figure in a mask, with a bandage on his forehead, on which the symbol of a burger was displayed. Solomon's eyes, the only thing visible from under the mask, were glowing with devilish amusement.
"You're obviously not from around here, my friend," Solomon continued, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "But never mind, the Shinobi of Hidden Burger will explain the local rules to you now. You feel it, right? Your ass is my hostage. What are you going to do?"
The wolf, tears streaming from his eyes, only squeaked. Solomon leaned even closer, his fingers forming the Tiger seal.
"The legendary Hidden Burger technique!" he proclaimed. "Millenium of Pain!" I don't care that I'm not Kakashi Hatake, the effect is the same!
And then a scream tore through the forest. So furious, so full of pain, longing and existential disappointment that the birds fell out of the trees. The wolf shot up into the sky like a meteor, leaving only a howl and a cloud of dust behind it. It disappeared over the horizon, its cries echoing in the forest for a long time.
Solomon, removing his improvised shinobi mask (which he swore had appeared by itself), burst out laughing and turned to the children. Hansel, Gretel, and Alice were clapping their hands, jumping up and down with delight.
"That was AWESOME!" Hansel yelled. "Teach us!"
"Yeah, yeah, do it again!" Alice chimed in.
Solomon scratched his head in embarrassment, but his chest was bursting with pride.
"Well, little ones, this isn't a game," he chuckled. "This is the highest level of burger magic!"
The demons in his head, munching on popcorn (72 pillars, each with their own bowl), clapped.
"Not a bad show," Gremory chuckled. "But, damn, you really went overboard with the pathos."
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!" Solomon yelled, clutching his head. "Are you eating popcorn in my brain?! Slurping like a herd of cows! Stop it, or I'll really exorcise you!"
The demons quieted down, but their giggles could still be heard from the depths of his mind. Solomon sighed and waved to the children:
"Okay, little ones, let's go to Little Red Riding Hood's granny. It's time to end this circus."
They moved toward the house, where Little Red Riding Hood was already hugging her grandmother, taking care of her with such care that Solomon couldn't help but feel a pang in his chest. Grandma, a cozy old woman in a cap, stroked Little Red Riding Hood's head, and she was cheerfully chirping something. The picture was so warm that Solomon, despite all his cynicism, was touched.
"Damn, it sounds like a Halloween card," he muttered, but his voice was softer than usual.
He approached with the children, and Granny gasped when she noticed the guests.
"Oh, who's here?" she exclaimed, adjusting her glasses. "New neighbors?"
"Well, sort of," Solomon chuckled, scratching the back of his head. "I'm Solomon, this is Hansel, Gretel, Alice. We were, um, passing by."
Red nodded happily, but Granny became wary when Solomon began to explain about the wolf.
"That Little Red Riding Hood of yours," he said, pointing at the girl, "told the wolf where you live. He was already rubbing his paws, can you imagine! Good, I, um, chased him away."
Granny frowned, her eyes narrowed.
"Little Red Riding Hood!" — she said sternly. " We'll talk to you! You can't trust everyone!"
Ring shrank, her cheeks turned red, and Hansel and Gretel immediately began to console her, whispering that everything would be okay. Solomon, looking at this scene, suddenly felt a pang of guilt. He cleared his throat, his voice became quieter.
"Look, little ones," he began, looking at Hansel, Gretel and Alice. "Sure, I'm the King of Wizards and all that, but as a father I'm... well, not very good. The Solomon from the legends was a real brick - he sat on the throne, picked up chicks, and his sons and students did nothing but scoop up his "wisdom." — He spat, grimacing. — Anyway, I think... it's time for you to go your own way.
The children froze, their eyes widened. Gretel was the first to break the silence, her voice shaking.
"Are you… are you abandoning us?!"
Hansel sniffed, and Alice clenched her fists and stamped her foot.
"We're a team!" she cried, her eyes filling with tears.
Solomon felt his heart clench. He hadn't expected his words to hurt them so much. He stepped forward, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.
"Hey, little ones, don't cry," he said, dropping to one knee. "I'm not abandoning you, it's just… you'll waste away with me. I'm a lazy, gluttonous, idiot, and," he lowered his voice, "a damn child myself! And here's the village, Little Red Riding Hood, Granny, normal society. You'll be better off than dragging yourself around crazy worlds with me.
Hansel and Gretel's tears, their tear-stained faces and trembling voices almost broke Solomon's resolve. He was beginning to doubt whether he was doing the right thing, but then Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother, with a warm, almost maternal smile, intervened.
"These children are so handsome and clever," she said, adjusting her cap. "I could take them in. We have a village here, a society, and pie every day. They will be happy."
To Solomon's complete shock, Hansel and Gretel were immediately fired by the idea. Their tears dried up in an instant, and they ran to their grandmother, embracing her and asking questions about the pie and the local games. Solomon stood there, stunned, his jaw almost hitting the floor.
"Seriously?" he muttered, looking at them. "Just whining that I shouldn't leave them, and now they're ready to run to grandma's for pies?"
The demons in his head burst into laughter, their voices ringing like bells in the wind.
"Ha, the little ones are smarter than you! - Gremory giggled. "And you thought they would run after your burgers forever?"
"Shut up, devils!" Solomon roared, clenching his fists. "I was the one who suggested that they go their own way! I'm the hero here, okay?!"
But then he noticed Alice. She was standing to the side, her head down, her shoulders shaking, and tears streaming from her eyes. A quiet sob escaped her chest, and she muttered:
"I have… no one… My sister disappeared a year ago, and I went after some rabbit… I'm alone…"
Her voice was so plaintive that Solomon's heart sank. He coughed awkwardly, walked up to her and dropped to one knee, trying to look comforting, although he was a complete layman in such matters.
"Hey, little one, don't cry," he said, awkwardly patting her shoulder. "You're not alone, I'm here."
Alice looked up at him, her eyes huge and shiny, like those of the cat from Shrek.
"You're a magician, right?" she sniffed. "Will you take me as an apprentice? Please…"
Solomon froze, his brain shutting down under that look. He wanted to say no, wanted to mutter something about burgers and laziness, but instead his mouth betrayed him:
"Er... well... okay, take it, schoolgirl!"
Alice squealed with joy and threw herself on his neck, almost knocking him off his feet. Solomon, stunned, stood like a pillar while she hugged him.
"Have I just been taken for a ride?!" he muttered, but the corners of his lips twitched in a smile."
Meanwhile, Hansel and Gretel surrounded Little Red Riding Hood, pestering her with questions about pies, the forest, and the local children. Red nodded sheepishly, blushing, and Grandma looked at them with such warmth that even Solomon, a cynic to the core, felt out of place. This vanilla atmosphere was too... sweet. He coughed, muttered something about "I don't like goodbyes," and grabbed Alice's hand, snapping his fingers. There was a flash, and they were teleported back to the tower.
Inside, the tower was modern and cozy: a sofa, a TV, a fridge with cola. Solomon plopped down on the sofa, looking at Alice, who was still beaming with delight.
"So, little one, do you want to learn magic?" he asked, grinning.
Alice nodded so vigorously that her pigtails danced.
"Yes! I want to be like you!" she exclaimed, her eyes shining.
Solomon chuckled, rubbing his chin.
"Magic is no joke, okay? First, we need to see if you can use it at all. Are you, um, made of clay? Or a monkey?"
Alice froze, her face a mixture of shock and indignation.
"WHAT?!" she squealed, stamping her foot. "I'm not a monkey or clay! I'M A HUMAN!"
She rushed at him, waving her fists, and Solomon, laughing, deftly parried her attacks.
"Come on, little one, what's wrong?" he dodged. "I'm from a monkey, then, apparently, from clay, and now I'm God knows who! Relax!"
Alice, puffing with anger, puffed out her cheeks.
"What do you mean?!" she barked. "Are you serious?!"
"Don't worry about it," Solomon chuckled, waving his hand. "We'll check what kind of fruit you are now."
He snapped his fingers, and sparks swirled around Alice. His eyes lit up with magical light while he "scanned" her. A second later, he grinned.
"Congratulations, little one! You're an ordinary monkey!" he announced solemnly.
Alice turned purple, her cheeks swelled like balloons, and she was ready to explode, but Solomon raised his palm.
"Easy, easy!" he laughed. "We'll make some magic for you now. The smart guys in my universe have thought of everything for us, so hold on!"
He drew a huge magic circle in the air, which lit up with golden runes. Alice, forgetting about her anger, looked at it with burning eyes, her jaw dropped. Solomon, humming something pompous, waved his hands, and the circle flared with a blinding light. They closed their eyes, and when they opened them, in front of Solomon stood… Caster Artoria.
Her long blonde hair, gathered in an elegant bun, shone like moonlight. The blue dress, decorated with golden patterns, flowed like water, and in her hands she held an elegant staff that emitted a soft glow. Her eyes, full of wisdom and strength, looked at Solomon with a slight mockery, and the aura around her was so powerful that even the air trembled.
Alice, now in the form of Caster Artoria, looked at herself in shock.
"I… Artoria?!" she exclaimed, her voice shaking with delight and disbelief.
Solomon, already wearing sunglasses (where they came from, no one knows), was munching on popcorn and clapping his hands.
"Bingo, little one!" he grinned. "Now I have my own Artoria waifu! Without Artoria, what's Fate, right? I'm a genius!"
Alice, still in shock, turned to him, her eyes shining. Solomon, without wasting a moment, stood in his signature pose – hands on hips, chest out, charisma for a thousand asses. As if on cue, the sun hit him in the back, enveloping him in a blinding radiance. Alice closed her eyes, and he thundered:
"Well, little one, are you ready to accept me as your Master?!"
Alice nodded, still stunned, but Solomon leaned closer.
"I can't hear you!" he barked, grinning.
"YES!" she screamed, jumping up and down with delight.
Solomon returned to normal, shook himself off, and chuckled.
"Well, that's settled. Time to move on, apprentice."
But Alice suddenly froze, her face becoming strange—a mixture of pity and glee. She looked at Solomon, ran her thumb across her throat, and said:
"I have a message. From Caster Artoria."
Solomon blinked, his eyebrows rising.
"What? What message?"
Alice leaned closer, her voice taking on an ominous, gleeful tone.
"Gudako already found the slave chains and collar," she whispered. "She's delirious about putting you on them and having you kneel in the sea of salt she's collected."
Solomon winced, his back instantly sweating, as if his million-ass charisma had turned into a million sweaty asses. He swallowed nervously, his eyes widening.
"Uh… maybe I can still apologize?" he muttered, but Alice's dead gaze told him everything.
"This is fucked," she confirmed quietly, her voice full of sympathy and a hint of mockery.
Solomon collapsed on the couch, clutching his head.
"Damn, Gudako…" he groaned. "I just wanted burgers and chill!"
The demons in his head, munching on popcorn, laughed.
"Welcome to the club, King Heel!" Gremory giggled.
Solomon just groaned, looking at Alice, who was already studying her new staff with delight.