"Heh heh, you old fart!"
"If you're so eager to pour it all out, then go ahead—pour till you're satisfied!"
In a flash, a glowing green spiritual orb surged into Danzo's body. He immediately lost his balance and collapsed forward—landing with a thud right on top of Hiruzen Sarutobi, who had been reviewing paperwork.
Muamuamuamuamua~~
Taking full advantage of the fall, Danzo's wrinkled hands moved with lightning speed to restrain Hiruzen's arms, and then he puckered his withered, flaming-red lips and began smothering Hiruzen's age-spotted, wrinkle-covered face with kisses.
With a loud crack, the chair beneath them gave way under their combined weight. Splintered wood tore through their clothes. Two elders in their sixties or seventies, disregarding all worldly conventions, began what could only be described as a passionate twilight romance—right there on the floor.
"Ugh! I'm gonna throw up!"
Uchiha Kirin cried out in horror. He covered his eyes immediately, spawned a clone, tossed his camera to it, and dove into the lake to frantically scrub his eyes clean.
...
The Next Day
Scandalous photos of the Hokage and Danzo spread like wildfire throughout Konoha.
Colorful postcards littered the streets, lewd posters were openly sold, and even multi-angle, multi-camera tapes were screened in public squares!
At first, no one dared to even glance at them. Some ninja, deeply indoctrinated by the Will of Fire, vowed to destroy these abominations.
But once a few bold—or perhaps just curious—ninjas mustered the courage to watch, everything exploded. Once you'd seen it, how could you not show your friends something so wildly subversive to the Shinobi Way?
The more people watched, the more normalized it became. The awe once surrounding the names of the Hokage and Danzo began to fade.
Some eager collectors even started gathering the scattered photos, vowing to create a complete archive of every "artwork" featuring the Hokage and Danzo.
A few rare cards and posters—especially unique or one-of-a-kind editions—were auctioned off for sky-high prices by mid-morning.
Sensing an opportunity, a few shinobi started secretly using ninjutsu to mass-produce pirated versions, selling them at slightly lower prices… only to be swiftly discovered and brutally beaten.
In response, some collectors began destroying duplicate copies of the scandalous images to increase the value of their own collections.
Uchiha Kirin, observing all this, smirked—and released another two or three batches into the market.
That day, both Danzo and Hiruzen overslept.
By the time they awoke in the Hokage's office and finished cleaning themselves up, the situation had already spiraled out of control.
Hiruzen was livid. He immediately ordered his personal ANBU to confiscate every last copy of the material.
But it was too late. Even members of the ANBU under his direct command had privately started collecting the photo albums.
Danzo, on the other hand, remained surprisingly composed—and even a little pleased.
For years, no matter how hard he tried—whether it was taking medicine, dressing up, or learning to be gentle and caring—he could never win Hiruzen's heart.
Though they were old classmates, longtime rivals, and shared the same bed in name, their dreams never aligned...
But all of that changed last night.
And thanks to the mysterious benefactor behind today's events, their fates were sealed.
Hiruzen might still resist emotionally, but Danzo had already possessed his body once.
And if there's a first time… there can be a second, a third, countless more.
And once something happens enough times—what difference is there from true love?
With that thought in mind, Danzo issued a command to his ANBU under Root: spread the news that he and the Third Hokage would be getting married.
...
"This is utter madness! The negative influence on young shinobi is incalculable!"
Hiruzen slammed his fist on the desk as he reviewed the intel brought by the ANBU.
Tracing everything back—the rumors, the postcards, the scandal—it all originated from Root!
And then, as if summoned by fate, Danzo entered the Hokage's office, dressed in a snow-white wedding gown, a flower crown atop his head, and a bashful expression as he minced in with dainty steps.
He signaled the Root shinobi beside him to seal off the room and block the ANBU at the door, all while placing a tray of freshly washed fruit on the table.
"Danzo! What are you doing?! I'm the Hokage!"
"Relax~ Sarutobi. I told you before, I'm going to be the Hokage's man. Just stop resisting~"
Danzo pushed Hiruzen down into the chair, gently picked up a fruit, used Wind Release to peel it with elegance, sliced off a piece, and held it to Hiruzen's lips with a delicately raised finger.
In all his years, Hiruzen had never witnessed such a scene. His heart raced, but his body froze like stone.
"What? You won't eat? Then Little Danzo will just have to feed it to you with his mouth~"
"AAAAAHHHH!!!"
No one knows exactly what transpired in the Hokage's office that day.
All the village knew was that after consuming three entire crates of fruit, Hiruzen sat there like a lifeless doll, completely at Danzo's mercy.
Their wedding date was officially set and publicly announced to every villager.
...
With this shocking revelation, intelligence, missions, even the Shinobi themselves—all took a backseat.
Konoha was swept into a bizarre wave of celebration, while spies from other villages hiding in Konoha were stunned.
They were convinced this had to be a trap—a grand stage play sacrificing the village leadership's reputation to lure the elites of other villages into one place… only to eliminate them all in one fell swoop!
But before any of these spies could report back to their own villages, invitations from Konoha had already landed on the desks of major powers.
As absurd as it all sounded, many still accepted the invitation, each with their own motives.
...
About half a month later—
A grand wedding was held in the village.
Freshly recovered, Uchiha Itachi acted as the bridesmaid, standing with a bouquet of flowers and a dazed expression, as if he'd woken up in the afterlife.
Wasn't he supposed to be preparing for the Uchiha Massacre?
Wasn't he supposed to be checking the seals Root had placed, then coordinating with the masked man—one handling the police force, the other infiltrating the clan's depths to assassinate elders and eliminate the women and children?
Then why… why was he suddenly in a wedding?
And what's with the Uchiha children playing so freely around the village?
Suddenly, one Uchiha child turned toward him—and revealed a pair of Sharingan far more powerful than his own.
Thud! Uchiha Itachi's brain blue-screened. He collapsed on the spot.
"Uchiha Itachi, your composure seems… lacking."
In a haze, he felt someone dragging his body.
"Then again, someone with kidney issues wouldn't have much stamina."
"Oh? You still have a childhood sweetheart, right? Don't tell me… you're impotent? I think I finally understand the real reason you massacred the clan."
A few ghostly figures walked ahead of him, discussing him aloud.
"Hehehe! So tiny~ Your stamina's so tiny~"
"That's why you wiped out the whole clan—to stop the word from getting out and preserve Uchiha pride, to save face!"
And as Itachi barely regained consciousness, he found himself once again trapped in the very Genjutsu he prided himself on—one in which he would now live through the most unforgettable dream of his life…