> "Being a king is easy.
Being a therapist to twelve overdramatic medieval warlords? That's the real Grail War."
— Artoria, regretting being born legendary
---
[Location: Camelot – Mid-Fate Timeline, Not the Murder Edition]
Artoria returned home expecting silence, dignity, and maybe a well-brewed cup of tea.
What she got was:
A heated argument about goat taxes,
A burning tapestry with her face badly drawn,
And Lancelot duel-challenging Gawain for "excessive shining."
Artoria (entering calmly):
> "What in Avalon's name is going on here?"
Gawain (furious):
> "He called me a solar-powered himbo!"
Lancelot (defensive):
> "I said blindingly holy meathead. It's different!"
Artoria:
> "I was gone for three days."
Tristan (playing a sad harp):
> "And yet it felt like a lifetime of dysfunction."
---
[Morning – Round Table Reunion: Cancelled for Drama]
She tried to hold a meeting.
Sir Kay suggested "rebranding Camelot as a theme park."
Sir Agravain threatened to tax puns.
Merlin showed up, stole half the scones, and vanished yelling "character development is for nerds!"
Artoria (rubbing temples):
> "Why do I lead these people?"
Morgan le Fay (passing by):
> "Because you refuse to run away. Pathetic. Noble. Gross."
---
[Afternoon – Tea Therapy with Artoria™]
She sat with Guinevere. Sipped. Reflected.
Guinevere:
> "You've changed."
Artoria:
> "Multiversal karaoke trauma will do that to a person."
Guinevere:
> "You smile more now. It's… suspicious."
Artoria (deadpan):
> "Blame the clown and the chimichanga."
They clinked cups in a royal ceasefire of pettiness.
---
[Chat Ping – Mid Scone Bite]
Artoria:
> "Situation stable. Camelot has not imploded. Yet."
Kazuma:
> "Send help. My frog cult wants me to officiate a wedding."
Deadpool:
> "I just accidentally bought a sentient chili pepper mafia."
Esdeath:
> "If you need a war started, I'm available."
MC:
> "Good to have you back, Saber."
She paused.
Then, quietly:
Artoria:
> "Good to be back. For now."
---
[Final Scene – Throne Room, Evening Light]
She stood before the stained glass.
Behind her: chaos.
Before her: duty.
Inside her: a tiny flicker of… peace?
> "Let them fight. Let the Round Table riot.
I've survived worse."
She turned, cape flowing, dignity restored.
Then tripped on a scone.
---
End of Chapter 34: Artoria Pendragon