"This is the absolute pits... I seriously can't believe this... Why...? Why did it have to turn out like this? Why am I, a goddess, reduced to following around a mortal like some lost pet...? This is just… soooo harsshhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Her voice echoed off the surrounding trees, filled with enough anguish to make it sound like the world had ended. She stomped the ground for emphasis, arms flailing, her whole body vibrating with exaggerated despair.
"You're going to attract monsters if you keep shouting like that," I warned, not bothering to hide my irritation. "So please, for both our sakes—keep it down."
"Shut up! I hate you!"
That was… direct.
I rubbed my temples, trying to stave off the throb building behind my eyes. She was wearing my patience thin.
She was stunning, and there was no doubt about that.
Her beauty was divine. Literally.
The kind of flawless grace that made people fall to their knees in worship. If she had carried herself with even a fraction of the dignity she exuded when I first saw her in that pristine white space—the one where she dispensed blessings with celestial elegance—I might've actually felt honored to have her accompanying me.
But right now? She was nothing but a royal pain in the ass.
Every few steps, she groaned like she was dying. When she wasn't sighing dramatically, she was muttering passive-aggressive complaints under her breath or kicking rocks off the trail like a sulking child throwing a tantrum.
Honestly, it felt less like I was journeying with a deity and more like I'd been saddled with a petulant teenager I had to babysit.
Eventually, I stopped walking. The sun had dipped low enough for twilight to take over the sky, casting long shadows and bathing the woods in a dim, golden hue.
Nightfall wasn't far off.
It was time to make camp.
Without a word, I dropped my pack and got to work. She, of course, did nothing.
Instead, she slumped down against the trunk of a nearby tree and curled into herself like a sullen ball. With her arms wrapped around her knees and her head lowered, she looked like someone who'd just been told heroes weren't real.
And because of how massive her breasts were, they ended up pressing tightly against her thighs—squeezed up in a way that looked... well, honestly obscene.
Her body was something else.
Unreal curves, flawless skin, a face so beautiful it could stop hearts. She looked like the kind of woman people would start wars over.
Just the sight of her sitting like that—alone, quiet, framed by the soft evening light—could easily make any man with a sword between their legs salivate. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if some women did too.
And yet… strangely enough, not a single indecent thought crossed my mind.
Maybe it was because I already knew what she was like inside.
Or maybe it was just impossible to feel aroused by someone who was so overwhelmingly, blindingly annoying and stupid.
"I'm not stupid."
Ah. Right. She could read my thoughts.
"Is that so? Then… I apologize for calling you stupid," I said, not bothering to fake sincerity.
After setting up camp, I moved on to dinner prep. The first night of travel usually didn't require hunting, thanks to my parents stuffing my bag with enough food to last at least a couple of days.
Of course, it wasn't cooked.
Then again, that wasn't the real problem.
The real issue was that I was a mediocre cook at best.
Not terrible but not great either. Just floating somewhere in the middle of the culinary bell curve.
I was the kind of guy who'd sprinkle some salt on meat, skewer it, and roast it over an open flame without thinking twice. My idea of soup was just water, spices, salt, and heat. Done.
And I had no idea if that level of lazy cooking was enough to satisfy someone who literally came from the divine realm.
"Hey… Goddess. Do you know how to cook?" I asked, hoping against hope.
"I don't," she replied curtly.
"I see... well, I guess you'll just have to deal with mine, then," I muttered.
I pulled out the raw meat my father had packed—still neatly wrapped in cloth—and began to cook it over the flickering firelight. I added a bit of salt and listened to the satisfying sizzle as the heat kissed the surface of the meat, trying not to think too hard about how my cooking was going to be judged by an actual goddess.
As I tended to the fire, the soft crackle of flames was suddenly interrupted by a distinct, low grumble behind me.
A stomach, clearly protesting its emptiness.
I turned around.
She froze the moment our eyes met, her face flushing a deep shade of pink from sheer embarrassment. It was almost comical to see a goddess, who was so regal and proud, reduced to a blushing mess over something as human as hunger.
"Just wait a little longer," I told her, turning my attention back to the skewers. "I'm only just getting started with grilling them. Like I mentioned earlier, though, my cooking's nothing to write home about. It's pretty average at best."
I thought it was best to manage her expectations now, before she started dreaming of heavenly cuisine.
"Don't worry," she replied with a sniff. "It's not like I've tasted any food before, so I don't exactly have a frame of reference to judge whether your cooking sucks or not. But judging from how hilariously unremarkable you are in everything else, I highly doubt you have what it takes to satisfy a goddess like me anyway."
"Ouch. That's seriously harsh," I said. "If you've never eaten food before, then what do you usually eat?"
"A goddess like me doesn't need to eat," she said coolly, lifting her chin. "I possess the divine power to sustain myself endlessly. Consuming food has never been a necessity."
"Huh… and yet here you are, hungry," I pointed out with a half-smile.
"Shut up," she muttered, glaring at me like I'd just insulted her very existence. "It's because… when I arrived in this world, it felt like part of my power just… vanished."
"Vanished?" I repeated, raising an eyebrow. "Wait—don't tell me you're actually kind of useless right now?"
She glared at me again, and this time, a small fireball flickered to life in the palm of her hand. The glow lit up her face, casting dramatic shadows that danced over her delicate features.
"I am still very much capable and powerful, thank you very much," she said, the flame pulsing as if in sync with her indignation. "What I meant was that I feel human. The sensations… the instincts… everything about me besides my obviously flawless beauty feels dulled. Like I've lost the essence of what made me divine."
"I see…" I murmured. "So the blessing must've really packed a punch if it could weaken a goddess like you."
"I've never understood why a blessing like that even exists, let alone why it manifested now," she said. "It's completely unheard of."
"Has something like this ever happened before?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"To my knowledge, there has never been anything called a 'Goddess's Master Blessing,'" she admitted. "No mortal has ever unlocked such a thing. Which means, apparently, you—by punching me in the face, no less—somehow met the bizarre prerequisite to receive it."
"Huh… well, that's a hell of a way to earn a blessing."
I would've never guessed that smacking a goddess would end up unlocking some kind of blessing.
"This is all your fault, you know!" she cried out, her voice trembling now with rising panic. "What am I supposed to do?! Who's going to hand out blessings to mortals now?! Oh no… I'm going to be replaced, aren't I? I'm going to be fired! Fired from my job! And I only held it for—ugh—a hundred years!"
Her voice cracked slightly, and she looked like she was teetering on the edge of tears.
"Oh, right," I said, finally realizing the weight of the situation. "If you're stuck here with me, then who is giving out the blessings?"
I didn't know anything about the inner workings of the divine realm, but I figured that if she was out of commission, someone else had to take over.
"Probably another goddess," she sighed, curling into herself a little. "This is so humiliating… This is so the pits… I just know the elders are going to laugh their asses off at me for ending up like this…"
I wasn't sure if I should feel sorry for her… or just quietly appreciate the irony of a goddess reduced to such a mess.
Eventually, the meat was fully grilled, its scent filling the air with a smoky richness.
I grabbed one of the skewers, walked over to her, and held it out.
"Here," I said, offering it without fanfare.