It all started with a hoodie.
Specifically, a soft-pink hoodie with "Bark Once For Inner Peace" embroidered on the back and a cartoon version of Buttermilk meditating on a lotus leaf.
Travis posted a photo of it on Instagram with the caption:
> "Coming soon. Get your bark on."
Within ten minutes, the post had 93,000 likes, 7,000 comments, and a DM from a man named "Guru Steve" offering to open a retreat center in Buttermilk's honor.
Carlton read the message and squinted. "Do you think... do you think she's becoming a spiritual figure?"
Travis paused. Then looked at Buttermilk, who was licking spilled hummus off the floor while wearing a flower crown.
"...Yeah," he said. "Yeah, that tracks."
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The Merch Explosion
They launched the official "Buttermilk Lifestyle" line on Shopify:
Hoodies: "Bark Once For Wisdom"
Water bottles: "Hydrate & Wag"
Yoga mats: "Downward Dog Is Sacred"
Dog collars that whispered affirmations like "You are a good girl" every 30 minutes
Sales exploded.
Travis fainted after seeing their first-day numbers. Carlton slapped him awake with a dog toy shaped like a golden bone.
"Do you understand what this means?" Carlton shouted. "We're not just influencers anymore. We're... a movement!"
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The Followers (aka: The Barka)
Suddenly, people were showing up at their door. Literal strangers. Wearing robes. Holding squeaky toys like sacred relics.
"Hello," said one woman. "I'm Crystal. I left my job in accounting to follow the One Who Wags."
"You what now?" Carlton blinked.
Another man appeared, barefoot and blissful. "I have renounced the leash of capitalism. All I need is Buttermilk."
Even Meatloaf looked concerned.
By Day 5, a crowd of 200 people gathered outside their apartment, humming low and rhythmic "awooo" chants.
Travis pulled Carlton aside. "We've accidentally started a cult."
Carlton nodded, dead serious. "But like... a cute one."
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Buttermilk: The Reluctant Prophet
Buttermilk, for her part, had no idea she was now the spiritual leader of the "Fur-lightenment Movement."
She spent her days:
Napping on a plush throne made of ethically-sourced cotton
Accepting chew toy offerings
Occasionally farting, which was interpreted by her followers as "sacred wind blessings"
Guru Steve printed The Book of Bark, a 312-page collection of Buttermilk quotes like:
> "Arf."
"Woof."
"snore" (Chapter 7: The Nap Prophecies)
Carlton considered legal action, but Travis had already ordered three signed copies.
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Trouble Brews
Things took a turn when one of the followers declared:
> "I sold my house and now live inside a giant dog crate! Freedom is obedience!"
Carlton screamed, "OKAY, that's ENOUGH. We need to shut this down before someone renounces their humanity for a tennis ball."
But Travis was hesitant. "But... the merch sales…"
"Travis, there's a man outside wearing nothing but a leash and a smile!"
Travis dropped his oat milk.
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The Official Statement
They filmed a special video titled "Buttermilk Is Not Your Deity (Please Stop Barking at the Moon)".
Travis, visibly stressed, spoke into the camera:
> "We love that you love her. But she's just a dog. She has no divine powers. The closest thing to magic she's done is figuring out how to open the fridge."
Carlton added, "Please stop mailing us bones. Our mailbox smells like jerky."
Buttermilk sneezed. A follower in the background fainted.
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A Peaceful Disbanding
Eventually, the Barka disbanded — not because they stopped believing, but because Buttermilk started aggressively chasing squirrels on livestream. It ruined the "zen goddess" vibe.
Crystal went back to accounting.
Guru Steve opened a pug-themed smoothie bar.
The merch store remained... but was now rebranded:
"Buttermilk Co. — Fluffy, Not Holy."
Travis breathed a sigh of relief. Carlton lit a sage stick and accidentally set the rug on fire. Meatloaf put it out using a tactical roll-and-smother technique.
Buttermilk farted on the couch, unaware she'd just ended a religion.
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