"If you choose to die, let it be beside me."
"Do you hear yourself?" I was dumbstruck.
Instinictively, I knew. This wasn't the person I loved, and I was deceived.
"Love or whatever, you've been enduring it well. I can do that too, so–" The sound of crunching leaves meant that he was taking a few steps further to reach me.
"Have you gone nuts?," I grimaced at the thought.
"..Yeah, being devoted to one person for 5 years..anyone could do it. Right." I recounted the days where I felt happy and miserable, and this man was always the center of it.
"I hate myself for enduring so much," I can't even tell what expression I have right now.
"You really do make me feel worthless."
–You don't even bother to think about me in your head—all you want is to make me stay, and I don't know why. Nor do I feel the need to know, just like you–to me.
"Is it a child that you ask for? I told you this again and again—" The frustration in his voice was as clear as day.
"–That we could always have another," I turned to him, with a face as pitiful as it gets.
"You are cruel," The tears started to form, and all that I could do was blink faster than the words that come out of my mouth, to control it.
There was silence and tension.
"I didn't even get to mourn my child" In the end, I couldn't stop the inevitable after all.
"And where were you..when I was miserable?" My face twists into a mockery of despair. I clutch my chest, letting out hiccuping sobs that echo.
My voice trembles in a way that's almost too perfect, dripping with sorrow that perfectly portrays my inner feelings.
"I'm..sorry." His voice trembled, the weight of regret pressing heavily into every unsteady word. There was a raw, aching quality to his tone, but even if he were to kneel, I will refuse his grovelling heart.
It was too late.
"Apparently, the disrespect was so loud the apology didn't even make a sound." I laughed—each word laced with a sneer that betrays the utter lack of genuine emotion.
"Siena, I—" My name, my real name. It was the first after we got married that I finally heard him utter it with those lips.
I was repulsed.
"You'll have to divorce me either way. As you said, I'm barren. I will never be able to give you an heir." I collected myself and patted my skirt to shoo away dirt.
I turned to face him and started approaching his path.
"I'm sure, your mother will be overjoyed once she hears it from you." I snicker.
Deep inside, I knew his mother wouldn't let me run free after a divorce‐she'd think that even a dime isnt worth sparing for me. At most, she won't allow a 'public' separation to happen—she'll probably stage something and cast me as the 'deranged wife' and send me to a monastery, from there she'll think of a hundred ways to get rid of me.
that's just how she is, in the name of the Lancaster's honor.
***
My husband didn't follow me, and I was relieved that he didn't.
My dialogue with him made it more clear that he had no intention to accept my divorce petition.
I had made up my mind then that I will do everything to get away from here—I was fine with anywhere but here.
I gazed outside the arched window, as I thought about a hundred things all at once.
I imagined my escape, my future, my life.
My train of thoughts were interrupted when I heard an animal's cries.
"..mreow.." oh, it was a cat.
'It seems that it's near..' I rose from my seat and opened the window. I took a gander and there it was, wounded right below my floor.
'goodness!' I hurriedly took a trip downstairs, it didn't take long to reach my destination as it was the annex.
"Oh dear, you're barely holding on.." I say, with a voice evident with pity.
The poor thing seemed like it was injured from running away, It's fur falling apart revealing bare skin with burns. It was definitely the doing of humans–they must've threw scalding water on this poor thing..how cruel.
I took it upon me, and tended to it's wounds.
It was in such a pitiful state that made my heartache. That cry I heard was probably it's last strength and attempt to live. I hadn't realized it when I picked it up—but this cat was pregnant! It was holding on for dear life, for its unborn kittens.
"Oh goodness!" The cleaning maid yelped, It was already past noon, I didn't even realize she was here. "Duchess, that's filthy. I just cleaned the room and," She says, rushing to my side.
"So? Isn't that what you do?" I slapped the hand that tried to reach for the animal.
"It's injured. Don't touch it carelessly. "
The maid was stunned. Without protest, she apologized and went about her duty.
"If you have nothing more to do here, you can leave." I say, observing the slumbering thing that was barely breathing.
"Right away duchess.."
In the deepest parts of my heart, I could see myself in this struggling being. It probably didn't have to walk on eggshells everyday–but the pain still remains the same. And today, beacuse of me, it will be able to keep its child—while I lost mine.
***
I opened the closet and was met with dresses of every kind, for every season, adorned with various decorations. Albeit flowers, jewels, feathers–all following a series of trends.
'I could sell these..' I thought to myself. I felt like I was betraying myself for resorting to this–I felt sorry for myself for being dependent to my husband until the end.
What would useless pride get me now? I had no choice. All these years, I've only thought about my husband, my husband, and my husband. I thought that I would always stay by his side forever.
I stuffed a small pouch with jewels–the very few that I owned. I knew that I wouldn't be able to take a few more things in such a small handcarry, so I planned on wearing the clothes on top of another when I finally decide to make a run for it. And, I knew very well that I can't take things all at once, or it would be noticeable. Especially when precious things go missing.
I was proud of what I had accomplished so gar—and spared no time for being depressed. However, just when I decided to hide the bag behind the gowns, I was startled by the sudden creak of the door. Someone is here.