Kael Arvendon awoke to something tickling his nose.
Not the gentle brush of morning sunlight, nor the pleasant aroma of breakfast from downstairs. No, this was the distinct sensation of *tiny fox paws* pressing into his nostrils
"Wake up, idiot," a voice grumbled in his head.
Kael opened one eye to find his Moon Fox sitting directly on his face, silver tail flicking impatiently.
"Guh—*off*!" He swatted at the creature, only for his hand to pass straight through it. The fox's illusion dissolved with a snicker as the real one perched on his bedside table, looking far too smug for this early in the morning.
Kael groaned and sat up—then froze.
His reflection in the window showed his normally dark brown hair now *neon pink* and *glittering*.
"What. Did. You. Do."
The fox licked its paw, entirely unrepentant. "You snore. This was mercy."
Kael scrambled to the washbasin, scrubbing furiously. The pink didn't fade—instead, it *shifted*, pulsing through the rainbow like some kind of demented festival lantern.
"Make it stop!"
"Not my problem," the fox said, leaping onto his shoulder. "Now feed me. I'm a growing E-rank menace."
### **The Guild's Breakfast Club**
The Drunk Griffin's common room fell silent as Kael slunk in, his technicolor hair now drawing every eye.
A spoon clattered to the floor. Someone whispered, *"Is that...supposed to happen?"*
Lia—the fiery mage from yesterday—took one look at him and promptly set his toast on fire. *Again.*
"Morning, *Rat General*," she said sweetly.
Kael scowled and swatted at the flames. "That wasn't even my fault!"
"Uh-huh." She leaned in, her grin sharp. "Just like how the *mayor* of Mudhole is now a hat-wearing fox illusion?"
Across the room, the guild's resident bard strummed a jaunty tune: *"Oh, the tamer's hair is bright~"*
Kael buried his face in his hands.
---
### **The "Easy" Mission**
Guild Master Borin stormed over, his beard quivering with barely restrained fury. "You." He jabbed a finger at Kael. "Out. Now. Before you *infect* the rest of us with whatever curse you've got."
"But—"
"*No.* The *only* reason you're not shoveling wyvern dung right now is because Merchant Durnly needs an escort to Oakroot." Borin shoved a scroll into Kael's chest. "No swamps. No bandits. *Literally just walk.*"
Kael unrolled the parchment. "This says 'guard against highwaymen'—"
"IT SAYS *DON'T SCREW THIS UP*." Spittle flew. "Fail, and you're cleaning the guild's toilets. *With your tongue.*"
Behind them, the Moon Fox had gathered a small crowd of guild pets—a tabby cat, a three-legged raven, and a very fat ferret—and was taking *bets* in jerky strips.
Kael groaned.
---
### **The Pickle Thief**
The merchant's cart creaked along the forest road, piled high with crates. Merchant Durnly—a sweaty man with a perpetual frown—kept shooting nervous glances at Kael's hair.
"So," Kael tried, "what's in the—"
*Crunch.*
A rustling came from the cart. Then another *crunch*.
Durnly paled. "My pickles!" He yanked back the tarp—
—to reveal a *chubby black-and-white panda* lounging atop a shattered barrel, its paws full of glowing green pickles.
Kael's tamer senses *tingled*.
The panda blinked at them, cheeks bulging. Then it *burped*, releasing a cloud of sparkling bubbles that popped into *tiny dancing pickle illusions*.
Durnly screamed. "THOSE WERE FOR THE DUKE'S WEDDING!"
The panda swallowed, then reached for the merchant's *belt buckle*.
*CHOMP.*
"STOP EATING MY CLOTHES!"
Kael grabbed the creature's scruff. "Okay. *Okay.* You're S-rank, aren't you?"
The panda licked its chops and *nodded*.
Of course.
---
### **Bandit Ambush (But Make It Fashion)**
The bandits chose *that exact moment* to attack.
"Yer money or yer life!" their leader bellowed, leaping onto the road.
The panda perked up—then *inhaled* the word "or" right out of his sentence.
Bandit Leader: *"...Yer money yer life?"* [Pauses, confused]
Kael sighed. "Fox, *illusions*. Panda, just...do *something*."
The Moon Fox yawned—and suddenly, every bandit saw their comrades as *giant, juicy steaks*.
Chaos erupted.
- One bandit *licked* his own arm.
- Another tried to *ketchup himself*.
- The leader *dropped to one knee* and proposed to a tree.
Meanwhile, the panda:
1. Used a bandit as a *napkin*.
2. Turned a sword into a *baguette* (still sharp somehow).
3. Fell asleep *mid-battle*, using a bandit's stomach as a pillow.
Kael facepalmed.
### **Guild Fallout (Now with More Holes)**
Durnly burst into the guild, *screaming*. "THAT *MENACE* ATE MY CARGO, MY CLOTHES, AND MY MARRIAGE PROSPECTS!"
Borin slowly, *deliberately*, put his head *through the wall*. (The guild now had a Borin-shaped hole. This was *not* the first.)
Lia whistled. "Impressive. Usually it takes *weeks* to make him do that."
The panda chose that moment to *vomit up the Duke's wedding rings* (now slightly digested).
Kael raised his hands. "In my defense—"
"*NO.*" Borin's voice was muffled by plaster. "Just. *Take the Capital Games invitation and LEAVE.*"
A royal messenger—who had *clearly* heard the rumors—tossed the scroll from a *safe distance* and *ran*.
M
oon Fox: *"We're doomed."*
Panda: *[Happy crunching as it ate the floorboards]*
Kael: *[Googling "how to fake your own death" in medieval]*