Chapter 147: That Was Just a Puddle
Snape found Lockhart truly had a lot of annoying chatter, with a string of exasperating little phrases!
I'm not listening, I'm not listening!
He frantically chased after the traces left by the Patronus doe, so desperately seeking Lily's whereabouts.
From the present, he darted towards the past, sweeping past glimmers of light, searching for a figure that had left footprints but was nowhere to be seen.
Yet, Lockhart's words continued to pursue him.
"Hey, hey, Severus, hold on. Didn't you notice? In that glimmer just now, Lily's figure appeared!"
"Wow, another one. You two had quite a good relationship when you first started school, she cared about you a lot."
"Huh? On your way to school for orientation, Senior Potter was in the same compartment as you two? Severus, stop! This might be a chance; it could be their first meeting. You have to..."
"Enough!" Snape suddenly halted his rapidly flying figure, glaring furiously at Lockhart behind him. "Don't you understand? Lily never belonged to me. What does it have to do with Potter?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
The dark passage fell into a dead silence. Lockhart opened his mouth, then also fell silent.
Only Snape was in such pain that he seemed about to be completely engulfed by the darkness. "I know, of course I know. Potter didn't take Lily; Lily chose him. I know even more clearly that Lily never considered me between me and Potter..."
His voice was so low, full of gloom. "I only have this one Patronus left. It's all I have. What can I do? I shouldn't have been so greedy as to try to brew such a potion, greedy to salvage something. I was wrong; because of this, I've completely lost the last little bit I had."
Such painful enlightenment...You were once my everything...But every step I look back on the path I've walked...I walked so alone...
Young love was a fervent passion. In the damp, cold rain of youth, some fell ill, some had their enthusiasm quenched, while Snape utterly drowned in that downpour.
Perhaps this was what it meant to be a wizard, drawing immense power from emotions and the strength of the soul, yet also becoming trapped in them, unable to escape.
Lockhart wanted to pull him out, to drag him from the torrential flood, but he found it wasn't a flood; it was just a small puddle, and someone preferred to drown in it.
Snape cried out in pain like a lone wolf, making Lockhart's werewolf turn to look at him.
"That was war, Gilderoy!"
"Those who haven't experienced war can hardly imagine how terrifying it was. Everyone was striving for even a sliver of a chance at victory. Warriors who weren't firm in their chosen path had already died in that war."
"So many people died, not just Potter, not just Lily. Many of my comrades died too. They didn't think about kindness when they killed my comrades."
"Don't think that only Death Eaters use Unforgivable Curses. Anyone, when driven to kill, will use them. When comrades, family, loved ones are killed by the other side, everyone's heart fills with malice; everyone will use them."
"Why didn't I die in that war? Why didn't I die at their hands, making me feel like a sinner who has to atone for something now?"
"Was I wrong? I don't know. Voldemort failed, our war failed, it's that simple! So all Death Eaters were wrong; everything they did was wrong, even just gathering intelligence. I already betrayed my beliefs! I already humbly begged Voldemort to spare Lily!"
Snape's eyes were bloodshot, his entire being in such pain he seemed about to tear apart.
"I ultimately caused Lily's death, my dearest one."
"I ultimately caused Voldemort's downfall, the leader of our war."
"I messed everything up. I ultimately led to the complete failure of our war!"
"Can you feel that terrible powerlessness? Everyone was caught in the vortex of war—injury, torment, death—happening every day, each time so terrifying."
"Gilderoy, even now, I still believe this, even if it causes me more pain."
"Every side of the war was righteous, and every side of the war was also evil."
"Ha, righteousness? Evil? In the end, the victor is righteous, the loser is evil, it's that simple!"
"Of course, the victors can declare that the losers' methods were cruel at the time, but who in wartime wasn't cruel in their methods?"
"And I am a loser. And a traitor, becoming the most disgusting person in this war!"
"Dumbledore is just a victor, not some righteous person. From dealing with Grindelwald to later dealing with Voldemort, it was always the same; he was always the victor."
"But this victor always pulls back the wizarding world from moving forward. Every time, it's been like this. For over a hundred years, the wizarding world has struggled for over a hundred years, and every time, he suppressed all their struggles with his powerful magic."
"And then what? Ha, Gilderoy, you know the Muggle world, right? They're developing industry, technology: satellites, missiles, the internet, biotechnology... Muggles have entered an unprecedented period of rapid development in the last hundred years, while wizards? Nothing, no progress whatsoever."
"They've even regressed, sealing themselves off in a small circle, still holding the most ridiculous perceptions of Muggles. Go look at the Muggle Studies class at Hogwarts; you'll see how laughable wizards' perceptions of Muggles are."
"Doesn't Dumbledore know? He even knows about nuclear bombs, but he just watches, changing nothing."
"You have no idea how hopeless I, a war loser, feel living in such an environment."
"The changes we yearned to bring back then were completely erased, all traces vanished. The changes brought by our comrades who died one by one were completely wiped away, little by little."
"So, in the end, we changed nothing, leaving only the harm done to others. It's that cruel."
"I'm so despairing~~~~"
"What else can I do?"
"I can't do anything. I can only close my eyes, stop paying attention to this world, stop thinking about the future of wizards, and just cling to my broken feelings."
"I started to immerse myself in the pain of causing Lily's death. This is all the emotion I have left. Do you know how terrifying it is to lose faith?"
"Dumbledore knows. I now wish I could kill Voldemort, not for some bullshit righteousness, but purely for personal revenge!"
"Of course he trusts me, because this old, powerful wizard believes in the power of revenge."
"It's that simple!"
"I don't need to be saved. I just want to gain more power to kill Voldemort, to definitively end this war that has already failed."
"Voldemort's return? It's useless. He has already failed. The era no longer belongs to him. His return will only be the struggle of a loser. Besides bringing more slaughter and more war wounds to more people, he can't change anything. He can only completely descend into evil."
"There's no future, understand?"
"I shouldn't even be alive. Living only allows me to close my eyes and ignore this world, wallowing in my own emotions, which torments me. If I open my eyes and stop dwelling on my emotions to look at this world, it will only make me suffer more."
"I can't do anything. Even killing Voldemort, I know, is no different from merely cleaning up a battlefield in the end. It's meaningless, utterly meaningless!"
He was so furious, furious at himself, that he madly pulled out his wand and unleashed powerful spells one after another into the dark passage, creating loud rumbling noises.
But it was useless.
He couldn't do anything.
Finally, he knelt on the ground in despair, as silent as a statue.
This was the pain of a war loser.
He had lost his vast aspirations, confined to a small puddle, longing for something unobtainable, utterly tormented.
Lockhart sighed, momentarily at a loss for words.
He had never imagined that his good friend's pain extended far beyond "causing the death of the woman he loved most." Was pulling him out of Lily's emotional vortex truly good for him?
He didn't know.
He himself had never experienced war.
And so, the dark passage was quiet, save for the sound of the wind.
After a long, long time, Lockhart finally decided to say something.
"You still have the regret potion, Severus." He took a deep breath, walked over, and patted Snape's shoulder. "I've figured out how this regret potion actually works. In fact, you should understand it better than I do, you just haven't noticed."
Snape slowly raised his head, looking somewhat lost at the passage. In the distance, a faint glimmer was visible, and faint traces of the Patronus doe having passed by were there, but he didn't know where to find the doe anymore.
So, he looked at Lockhart with intense hope and nervousness.
"This potion will cause your mind to completely lose control, thereby leading you into the 'life unhinged' you perceived when brewing the potion. If you fear this loss of control, just drink the potion. It will return everything to its original starting point."
Snape's eyes lit up. "You mean, if I go back now and drink this potion, my Patronus will appear beside me again?"
Lockhart looked at him with some sadness but still nodded. "Yes, your mental state will return to the moment before we successfully brewed the potion, and your Patronus will naturally reappear in your mind."
Snape excitedly scrambled to his feet, muttering, "A regret potion! So this is what a regret potion is!"
He anxiously started to walk back but suddenly felt a strong hand firmly grasp his arm. It was Lockhart, his expression so serious. "Mate, it's never too late to drink it, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?" Snape forcefully pulled away from him, raising his wand. "Don't you dare pull any more stunts! I can't let anything else go wrong!"
"What I mean is..."
Lockhart smiled, gesturing in the direction they had come from. "If you can never catch up to a past you can't return to, why not go see the future? Right? You said it yourself, even if you end up with nothing, you're willing to embark on this adventure!"
"Just try it. The potion will always be there; you can drink it whenever you want."
"You haven't bravely embarked on an adventure yet. This is just the beginning. Are you truly afraid to try?"
Snape's mouth moved, but no words came out.
He wanted to say, No, screw your bullshit adventure. I want to go back now. I want to drink the regret potion now. I want my Patronus doe back. I'm done!
Just like his past weakness.
But he couldn't bring himself to say it.
He looked at his only good friend's hopeful expression. His friend had bravely accompanied him to this strange place. He just couldn't say it.
He stared directly into the distance of the dark passage, where a faint glimmer faintly appeared. It was as if a doe stood there, also watching him. But he had to admit, he was swayed. Perhaps he should try to take this step.
After all, there was still the regret potion.
Why not?
Could he really live like this his entire life?
"Alright!" He took a deep breath. "Let's go see the future!"
"That's more like it!" Lockhart burst out laughing, scrambling back onto Little Horse, pulling the Banshee's small hand to help her up, and calling out to the werewolf, "Let's go, let's see how terrifying the unhinged future is!"
He had been dying of curiosity!
He spurred the horse forward, riding at full gallop, "Giddy up!"
"You horse!" The werewolf seemed to realize something. Its previously gossipy expression, which had been watching the show, suddenly turned to terror. It felt a powerful force pulling at it, drawing it back into the gale.
But as it was tossed around, it suddenly gave a mighty shake of its broad back. Its thick muscles rippled, and a pair of enormous wings suddenly extended from its shoulder blades, unfurling with a thump.
"Ha, I can fly too?" It cried out in surprise.
"You always could. This is all just my understanding of the Flying Charm," Lockhart turned to look at it, laughing heartily. "Thank Severus's potion. This mind and time passage is full of tearing power, making it easier for us to change our own circumstances."
Behind them, Snape silently watched their retreating figures.
The magical wolf of dark power, the joyful horse of bright spirit, the vibrant female ghost—Lockhart's mind was so lively, never alone, making him incredibly envious.
I can too.
He thought, his figure spinning, his wide wizard's robes twisting, transforming into a black shadow that quickly flew forward.
The future...
It began to inspire hope.
The strong wind surged in the dark passage, pushing them towards the past. Choosing to go towards the future, they again felt the same difficulty as when they approached the potion in the office earlier.
But life, sometimes, is just like this, isn't it? Endure the hardship, keep moving forward. It doesn't require courage or perseverance, only that unquenchable desire surging within your heart.
Finally, after an unknown amount of time, time seemed to lose its meaning here.
They finally completed their long journey and arrived in the future.
The images of the future in the dark passage became erratic, constantly shifting rapidly.
But it didn't matter; keep moving forward!
Finally, they arrived five years later. The path ahead abruptly ceased. The terrifying gale grew stronger and stronger, but here it suddenly quieted down, becoming utterly silent, a deathly stillness.
At the very end, a faint silver veil hung in the sky, swaying with the wind.
"Five years later..." Snape stared blankly at the scene. "I'm dead?"
He didn't know how to describe the feeling in his heart. Was it despair? Collapse? No, he only felt an unspeakable lightness.
That lightness wasn't because of the arrival of death, but because—he could finally let go of Lily's hand, finally no longer endure such painful torment.
He...
He was finally free.
He dared not think deeper, to ponder what he truly felt in the deepest part of his heart. He cowardly wanted to escape that answer.
So he abruptly turned around and glared at Lockhart. "You shut up!"
Please, don't say any more annoying words.Please, leave me some final dignity.Please...
Lockhart rolled his eyes. "Severus, stop with the dramatics. Can't you see properly? Is this a veil of death?"
He clicked his tongue, looking up at the veil that seemed to hang from the sky. "This is absurd. I've never seen such an absurd Patronus."
"!!!" Snape froze for a moment, then abruptly turned back to stare intently at the veil before him. "This isn't the boundary of death?"
"Nonsense. No one understands the Patronus Charm and death better than I do." Lockhart's words were full of smugness. "A Patronus is the power of the soul, full of vitality. The Veil of Death is the curtain descending on life's stage; it's the power of the soul."
"Mind and soul, there's a big difference!"
Snape's heart stirred. He twisted his body, transforming into a black shadow that flew upwards, through the mist, through the source of the gale, through the clouds. He felt golden light piercing through the gloom, completely revealing the full form of the colossal object before him.
It was a giant Patronus. It was...
His own likeness!
"Every soul is great. This is the meaning of life, Severus. You can ponder it slowly. I also need to go and see my future."
Lockhart's voice rapidly faded into the distance. In the sky, only Snape remained, facing the immense silver figure that resembled him yet was incomparably magnificent.
"I..."
Snape's voice became hoarse. "Can I... also possess such a powerful soul?"
He turned to look, as if he could see a small deer timidly watching him. And so, with great difficulty, he turned back again, looking at the god-like figure of himself before him.
"Hahahahaha..."
Lockhart's voice came from far away. The slightly neurotic fellow was shouting in a language Snape didn't understand, but it was so joyful. "Awesome! This is absolutely amazing!"
"I choose this! I want this! You damned werewolf, don't fight me for it! I know what I want!"
Snape pursed his lips, looking up blankly at the massive Patronus before him. He, too, had found his answer.
....
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