Chapter 25: Akos the Influencer
It was a peaceful Thursday afternoon. I had finally managed to set up my tripod — freshly baptized and probably speaking in tongues by now.
I positioned my phone, hit "record," and began acting out a skit about "Ghanaian Moms and Their Soup Surveillance."
That's when I heard it:
"Action! Let me show you how it's done!"
I turned.
Auntie Akos.
Fully dressed in kaba and slit.
Head wrap coiled like a tower of wisdom.
Eyebrows drawn like calligraphy.
She stood in front of the camera and said:
"Good morning, followers of the internet. My name is Madam Akosua Badu. Today, we are learning how to chase spiritual laziness out of your kitchen."
Before I could stop her, she grabbed a wooden spatula and started beating an empty pot — live on camera.
"This is how you chase demons that delay jollof! Bam! Bam! Don't be gentle! Satan doesn't understand soft spoons!"
She then turned to the camera, wagged her finger and said:
"If your soup tastes like pipe water, it's not the Maggi's fault. It's your spirit. Renew it!"
I was speechless.
She wasn't done.
"Also, all of you young girls using ring light and saying you're influencers — you don't influence anything. Come and influence stew! Influence plantain! That's legacy!"
I collapsed in the corner, laughing so hard I nearly passed out.
Later, I uploaded the video as a joke.
24 hours later — 15,000 views.
Comments rolling in like:
"Who is this legendary woman?"
"She just healed my hunger with truth!"
"We need more Auntie Akos episodes!"
She saw the comments and smiled with full chest.
"Samuel, tell the internet I'm ready for episode two. I'll teach them how to pray over meat so it doesn't vanish from the pot overnight."
Ladies and gentlemen…
My aunt had become a viral star.
End of Chapter 25